Young Writers Society

Hello there! 'Tis me as you requested! Well here are my thoughts and suggestions for this wonderful piece of literature of yours! (In italic blue, because blue's somewhat refreshing )

BeautifulDoom wrote:Chapter One


I ran quickly into the tiny tenement building that housed my family along with six others Good start, but a little chunky - try "...housed my family and six others.". My heart was racing wildly, - replace comma with a semi-colon, reads more fluently. Lovely description though -- particularly the word "wildly" I thought it would burst from my chest. Love it. My legs ached from the effort, and my eyes darted wildly(as much as I love the word "wildly" don't repeat it as this is slightly annoying for the reader. Replace it with "...darted around like an animal for..." -- only a suggestion though) around for any evidence that the rumors were true. I'm a sucker for mystery and you have it here, so I'm captivated -- brilliant! There was no sign of them, the horrible men in the tan uniforms that I measured with about fifty percent hate and fifty percent fear I like the kind of character development you've formed here by narrating your character formally, but be careful of sudden character change. My heart relaxed slightly as I ran into my family's room and encountered a strangely peaceful scene despite the awful conditions of this filthy ghetto. I love this, especially the vagueness of the setting! Mystery, oh glorious mystery!
My small family were was alone in our room, although it housed six other families -- okay this isn't needed, because you've already told us, be careful and look out for these repetitions. They were gathered around a small loaf of bread, giving thanks. Love the forming of this family atmosphere. My heart swelled with love at the sight of the three people I loved most in the world (I feel getting rid of the "with love" makes this sentence read just as well but you avoid any off-putting repetitions). I saw my mother's strikingly pretty face, prematurely lined with worry and despair that the Nazis had brought upon us - fabulously well-written sentence. I saw my father's squared jaw, which made him look like he was constantly looking for a fight, even though although (just a suggestion) he was peace-loving by nature. Lastly, I saw my little brother's boyish, rounded face that almost always had a smile on it Love these types of characters, they truly spice up your narrative character's development by including her thoughts of her family. A The same (just a suggestion) smile immediately leapt to my face as I saw my family. Very good and intriguing start!
"Lisbet, hurry up and be seated. We need to finish giving thanks and then eat this wonderful meal. It's not every day your mother finds an entire loaf of bread!" -- okay, this is the difficult part of writing prose for a lot of people: the dialogue. As much as this sounds okay, I think you need to make it more natural or less wooden? I know this isn't very helpful but all I can really advise is that you read over this aloud a few times and keep thinking of ways you can make it more 'natural'. Remember, speech isn't always "grammatically correct" so don't try to make it so. my father said, with a loving smile to my mother Nice. She blushed, still completely in love with him after all these years Good this shows and implicit background to the two of them. I took my place next to Gabe, and finally remembered what I had to tell them. Good way to bring it back and continue plot development - I like it, mostly because you've kept it subtle.
"Mother, Father...I have heard horrible rumors that the German soldiers are going to take us away to a death camp. You've heard about them! No one comes out alive there. of there alive! (I hope you can see the positive difference in flow) We have to hide!"
My father's eyes narrowed with scrutiny. "And that's all you have heard, Lissy. Rumors. There is absolutely no proof to these so called "facts". I will not hide like some kind of animal. We are all human beings, despite what the Germans say. This is a piece of well-structured dialogue and sounds natural! Well done!" My father finished with another flinty-eyed look. "Now eat." Good character development! He said harshly, making me regret that I had even said anything. I obediently bit off a piece of bread and chewed, anything to keep me from shooting shouting back instantly without thinking, as I was prone to do -- again, good character development and a jump-start structure of your narrative's personality. We finished our dinner in silence. Good, atmosphere here is vivid and explicit which blends well with your implied atmosphere at the beginning.
By the time we finished our dinner, about half of our roomates returned. tThe Stein family and the Freeman family. It wads our turn to use the bed, but I stared at my reflection in the small mirror hanging on the wall. I like this line because it begins to reflect the mental battles your character could be fighting. This is because you've used a form of situation most readers can relate to. My favourite bit is how you've structured it. Ending a paragraph like this keeps the reader gripped because they're intrigued about your characters emotions. This is good writing - so well done!
I have always known that I am beautiful. This is lovely and an interesting sense of appearance as well as personality. It is not arrogance or vanity (Just a suggestion, I like phrases with multiple engaging vocabulary, so it'll read like: It is not arrogance or vanity, it is..." ), it is just something I have dealt with for my whole life 'dealt with'? I'm not sure you've picked the right language here, because 'beauty' isn't really domething you 'deal with' because it's positive. I think you should replace it with "known" but it's just my personal opinion. Before we were transported here to Krakow, I would run to do errands for my mother, and even respectable businessmen turned their heads to gape at me This is good. It's like we're being lead through the memories so you can show us pre-chapter events and this is an excellent way of writing that avoids any horrible and off-putting info-dumps. I had an exquisite face, with a proportionate button nose, full lips, and enormous blue eyes that were very rare on a Jewish girl. Interesting self-description but try not to get to carried away with description of appearance especially during a first person narrative. This is well-written though. I had black hair that hung to my shoulders, and despite this filthy ghetto -- repetition fits okay here my complexion has stayed clear. Also, after seventeen years of growing, my figure had developed quite nicely. I like this. I had hourglass curves and long legs that any model would kill for. My breasts have grown fuller, and they were [proportionate] - find another word. to the rest of my body. I have always hated my beauty until now. Beautifully well written and narrated to keep that hotness of chracter riding on. It doesn't lose interest, so you've managed to get away with such heavy description but you'll have to be careful -- it doesn't always suit 1st person narratives. It had always caused me unwanted attention. I was always the type of girl who wanted to blend into the backround, but I could never achieve it -- I found this line funny, it was kind of innocent but arrogant at the same time, well-written but I laughed . My mother often said, "Your beauty is your only weapon in this harsh, Jew-hating world." Beautiful. Makes the reader think as well as it being easy to relate to.
My thoughts were interrupted by heavy footsteps coming up the stairs to our room. Good change in atmosphere, a little sudden though. I'd insert a small paragraph between the Mum's saying and this line that talks about how your character begins to fade away in thought becoming gradually oblivious to the outside world or something? Just a suggestion, but I feel a change in atmosphere always needs that extra helping of spice, no? By the sound of it, there was more than one pair of feet. Love it, mysterious and gripping! Fear seized my heart, and I locked eyes with my mother from across the room. Before I could speak, the door was kicked open and three men in the dreaded tan uniform were suddenly in the room with us Lovely introduction of the character and good thoughts as well as the involvement of the mother to keep the setting clear and strong, well done. With fierce expressions on their faces,(remove comma and it feels more natural to read) they began hollering at us in German. Start a new paragraph as this increases tension and improves dialogue structure."GET OUTSIDE. Do not bring anything with you, and do not try to hide. Anyone who tries to resist will be shot on the spot [[in the back of the head.]] - needed?" Sheer terror gripped me, for the man said the last sentence with a cold, chilling finality that I knew he was not lying. Fabulous, cliff-hanger based ending. I like these as I mentioned -- I'm a real sucker for mystery -- so this is my type of ending! Lovely!

So, so...

What can I say? There is strong plot and character development. Your chosen vocabulary and language is very well chosen indeed, but just watch out for those minor repetitions that don't really work. A few grammar errors and miss-types but these are easily sorted with a good thorough revision of your work!

The story? BRILLIANT. I love historical fiction and I'm very keen on history during Nazi Germany and the reign of the USSR, so this worked very well for me. I think you've kept it historically accurate so far, just be careful not to go too far astray with lifestyle in the ghettos.

Overall:
Superb and Keep up the fabulous writing.

Thoroughly enjoyed this work and I hope my review helped
Ben.

The Story of A Beautiful Jew