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To Run with Wolves: Chapter 3



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Tue Dec 02, 2008 1:17 pm
denj says...



Hey everyone! I haven't posted for a little while, but I've still been around the forums. The previous two chapters of my story haven't gotten a whole lot of attention, and I was waiting until they were more popular to post another chapter. I decided to go ahead and post the third chapter, so here it is. If you'd like to read and review the whole story, visit my first post, which there should be a link to above (you know, the similar works link). Enjoy!

Later that day, Sven returned from his duties to attend to me. He was flanked by two wolves this time. One of them I hadn’t noticed before, but the white wolf I recognized. The second wolf’s pelt was dark gray, and he had bold eyes the color of honey. Sven seated himself on a wooden chest and let out a sigh. He seemed in no hurry to talk, but I was brimming with questions. I decided to start out with a lighter topic.
“I’m curious,” I asked, “Why is your ship called the Munin?” Sven laughed.
“Your home has been ransacked, you have near-fatal wounds, you’ve been captured by brutal raiders, and all you want to know about is the namesake of the ship you’re on? I don’t think you’re right in the mind, Aric.”
I realized that my question had been silly, but I didn’t want to appear foolish. “I know it’s a strange thing to ask under the given circumstances, but really, why?
“Well, if you truly want to know,” Sven began, “My people worship the great god Odin above all others. Odin is the leader of the Ǽsir, the gods of war. He watches the lives of mortal men through the eyes of his raven servants, Huginn and Munin. Being the god of war, the raven is Odin’s symbol, since ravens feed off the dead. The Huginn is another ship in our fleet, identical to ours. Magnus named his craft the Munin so that Odin would always watch over us and bring us good fortune in raids.”

“That’s…interesting,” I replied, thinking about what he had said. These people must truly be savage pagans if their chief god was the god of war. I was disgusted. Without thinking, I blurted out another question, one I’d been burning to ask.
“How do your people live with themselves? You plunder and kill to make a living, destroying and stealing, feeding off of others. You’re no better than common brigands!”
Sven’s face reddened with anger, but he restrained himself and was silent for a moment.
“You foolish prisoner! You know nothing of my people! Nothing! Thievery to us is absolutely abhorrent, one of the most heinous acts a man can possibly commit! To raid is not to steal, no more than to fight in war is to murder. No, a raid is a fair fight, and the winner takes the spoils. Is that not right and just?” Sven calmed toward the end of his rant, and his breathing slowed.
I was surprised by his response. Perhaps the Norsemen were not as barbaric as I had thought. They truly thought what they did was justified, a way to make an honest living.
“I… I’m sorry… I didn’t know…,” I began. “You must forgive me. My patience has been tested like never before today, and, as you can imagine, I’m very angry at what has happened to me. I just think it’s so unfair!” I cried, now on the edge of tears. I leaned back and looked away. Sven said nothing.
The white wolf I had met earlier today came over to me and lay down at my feet, gazing at me with her wide blue eyes. I felt the urge to reach down and pet her as Sven had, and I ran my fingers through her soft coat, marveling at her beauty. She set her head down on the deck and closed her eyes, letting me stroke her. Her fur was thick and warm, especially around her muscular neck.
“I’m sure you remember meeting Hati earlier today,” Sven said. Apparently he was willing to forgive me for what I had said, for the present, at least. “She’s very gentle, but be careful around Skoll.” He indicated the dark gray wolf at his side. “Skoll can be rather… protective, but he’s fiercely loyal and bold.”
These wolves made me curious. Why did Sven have them, and how had he befriended them, so to speak? These and other questions were still screaming to be asked inside my head, but I didn’t want to question Sven any further.
Still running my fingers through Hati’s fur, I gazed out over the ocean. The sun was a blazing red-orange ball of fire, its hue spilling over into the wispy clouds in the evening sky and reflecting dazzlingly in the waves. I’d seen my share of ocean sunsets, but they never ceased to take my breath away.
Activity on the ship began to quiet down as nightfall approached. Raiders tore into dried and salted fish and loaves of crusty bread for their dinner, causing my stomach to give a deep grumble. Sven noticed how I hungrily eyed the food and went to fetch some with a nod. Skoll stood up and followed him.
For the first time since my capture, I found myself able to relax. I leaned back against the side of the ship and let out a deep sigh. Hati, seeming to agree, gave a soft growl-purr noise and closed her eyes. Sven returned after a few minutes with several dried fish, loaves of bread, and goblets of water.
“There you go,” he said with a small smile as he handed me my share. “Can’t have our valuable captives starving now, can we?”
I mustered a weak smile and tore voraciously into my dinner. I’m sure the fish tasted disgusting compared to the elegant fare I was used to, but I was so ravenous I scarcely noticed. Sven thoughtfully chewed a roll as he watched me devour my rations. I slowed down as I moved onto the bread. It was so dry and crusty that it was impossible to eat quickly. I had to take sips of my water often to soften the bread in my mouth.
As mealtime drew to a close, the last beams of rich sunlight flickered on the water before the sun vanished beneath the waves. Raiders rolled out small, thin mats and a few had sacks of feathers for pillows. Luxuries were few aboard the Munin. Suddenly my eyelids felt as if they were made of lead, and I lie down upon a sack of provisions and fell into a deep slumber.


Chapter 4 coming soon! :shock:
-denj
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Wed Dec 03, 2008 7:26 pm
Twit says...



The second wolf’s pelt was dark gray, and he had bold eyes the color of honey.


How does Aric know that this wolf’s a male?



“Your home has been ransacked, you have near-fatal wounds, you’ve been captured by brutal raiders, and all you want to know about is the namesake of the ship you’re on? I don’t think you’re right in the mind, Aric.”


If he has near-fatal wounds, how come he’s talking fine? Near-fatal wounds usually mean that the wounded one is asleep, resting, and being very, very quiet.



I realized that my question had been silly, but I didn’t want to appear foolish.


The two parts of this sentence jar with each other. The question’s silly, but he doesn’t want to look silly? But if he knows that the question’s silly, then he would feel silly and therefore would appear silly.
… My head hurts.



“Well, if you truly want to know,” Sven began, “My people worship the great god Odin above all others.


I’d reword this to something like, “Well, if you truly want to know,” Sven said, “my people worship the great god Odin above all the others.”



He watches the lives of mortal men through the eyes of his raven servants, Huginn and Munin.


I’ve seen Huginn spelt as Hugin several times?



Without thinking, I blurted out another question, one I’d been burning to ask.


Take out the bolded bit, you don’t need it.





“How do your people live with themselves? You plunder and kill to make a living, destroying and stealing, feeding off of others. You’re no better than common brigands!”


This bit bugs me. I’m not quite sure why. I think it’s how it’s phrased. It starts off as a question and ends up as a rant. It comes across as being really preachy. Holier than thou, and all that.



Sven’s face reddened with anger, but he restrained himself and was silent for a moment.
“You foolish prisoner! You know nothing of my people! Nothing! Thievery to us is absolutely abhorrent, one of the most heinous acts a man can possibly commit! To raid is not to steal, no more than to fight in war is to murder. No, a raid is a fair fight, and the winner takes the spoils. Is that not right and just?” Sven calmed toward the end of his rant, and his breathing slowed.


So, he’s going to shout, then stops himself from shouting and then starts shouting? It doesn’t quite work. I’d take out his restraint and silence, because then his rant doesn’t come across as suddenly.


Perhaps the Norsemen were not as barbaric as I had thought. They truly thought what they did was justified, a way to make an honest living.


I’d take this out. It’s very show-y.



“I… I’m sorry… I didn’t know…,” I began. “You must forgive me. My patience has been tested like never before today, and, as you can imagine, I’m very angry at what has happened to me. I just think it’s so unfair!” I cried, now on the edge of tears.


Unrealistic dialogue, especially the bolded bits. It’s like he’s giving a lecture on how someone else is feeling. Reword this bit completely.



The white wolf I had met earlier today came over to me and lay down at my feet, gazing at me with her wide blue eyes.


Wolves do not have blue eyes.



I felt the urge to reach down and pet her as Sven had, and I ran my fingers through her soft coat, marveling at her beauty. She set her head down on the deck and closed her eyes, letting me stroke her. Her fur was thick and warm, especially around her muscular neck.


Likewise, wolves do not have soft fur. Don’t make wolves into soppy soft pets. Please?


Why did Sven have them, and how had he befriended them, so to speak?


This wolf thing is getting too anthropomorphic.



Raiders tore into dried and salted fish and loaves of crusty bread for their dinner, causing my stomach to give a deep grumble.


“The” raiders.


Raiders rolled out small, thin mats and a few had sacks of feathers for pillows.


Same here, “the” raiders.


Suddenly my eyelids felt as if they were made of lead, and I lie down upon a sack of provisions and fell into a deep slumber.


Lie = lay


---

Hi! First of all, it's kind of uncool to put the story in a quote. Just copy and paste it without the quote.

The story seems pretty good, from the little I've seen of it. Your style is fine, and the plot has many great possibilities and all. :) However, some of your dialogue needs work, and be original and make realistic wolves. How likely is it that some random chap has two around him like they're dogs?

Keep writing! PM me if you have any questions.
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."


#TNT
  





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Thu Dec 04, 2008 1:08 am
denj says...



Thank you for the comprehensive review, Wooster! I guess I have more changes to make than I thought! I can see how the wolves could come across, especially in the beginning, as being too pet-like. I'll be sure to change the eye colors and the bit about soft fur. However, I explain later on in the story how he "befriended" the wolves and why they follow him around. I can also see how the dialogue is unrealistic in many places. That will need some thorough editing, too. Oh, and about the lay-lie part, "lie" actually is the correct form. "Lay" is the passive form, as in laying something down on a table. "Lie" is the active form, as in lying down on a bed.

Anyway, thanks again! I'll definitely make the suggested modifications and (hopefully)(eventually) post an edited version. I really appreciate your time! :D
-denj
Take it easy.
  








Writing is like love: the real thing is a lot less romantic
— dragonfphoenix