Young Writers Society

Inside a small farmhouse in the village of Shihong, to the North of China, sat a girl cross-legged on the floor. She was no more than sixteen, a book balanced between her slender hands as she turned each page with care. Her long, sleek dark hair cascaded down past her shoulders and brushed the pages she was hunched over; her brown eyes scanned the fine paper with interest and curiosity not daring to look away. She was small for her age, the youngest of the three daughters of the Hai family. Quiet and patient, she was often overshadowed unintentionally by her two older sisters. They were more confident than she, beautiful and more or less self-assured around other’s, yet always withholding the honour of the family. She, on the other hand, preferred the company of her books and the characters within them – it avoided the awkwardness of society.
Her family were fairly wealthy, her father, having once been a loyal member of Government to the Emperor himself, had now retired to a quiet country life in Shihong with his wife and daughters. It was a happy family life, she had never really wanted for anything, sometimes times had been hard but more often than not life was comfortable. The three girls had been care-free children, now they had grown older things had not much changed. But had they stayed that way there would be no story.
I guess the ball really started to roll with the marriage of Yusheng, the oldest Hai daughter. She had always been the favourite, beautiful, kind, lady-like, she possessed all the qualities a woman should have. Her life was simple, the match was easy to find – she was sought after by many, though had eyes for only one. However I shall not give away the story to you dearest reader - that is for you to find out for yourself.
Allow me to introduce myself, I am, well…how can I describe it? I am not the blue-eyed cherub you’d usually picture that’s for sure – yet neither am I the beautiful Goddess alternative! No, personally I like to alter my appearance with the changing fashions. I am a traveller by nature, my style depends greatly on where I am – I like to dress for the occasion. Despite my changing exterior, you see me everyday, everywhere you go. In fact one could argue you can’t get rid of me. Many grow sick of my twisted ways, yet others prosper from them. It is rare for a person to escape my presence in life, no matter what shape or form, and the Hai girls were no exception. Ah, yes, the Hai family – I remember them well, three daughters I seem to recall…not one escaped a confrontation with me, oh no. Similarly to others, I changed their lives forever; there was no turning back after we were acquainted. And now, my friends I shall acquaint you with them also.
The girl you see sat before you in your mind, the youngest one, that’s right, the one reading the book, that’s Meifeng. Mei to you and I. The two sisters I mentioned before: one of whom you know of already, Yusheng, and the other, Jiaying – well Jia for the likes of us. Now where to start on their long journey of life? At the beginning of course!

Inside a small farmhouse in the village of Shihong, to the North of China, sat a girl cross-legged on the floor. She was no more than sixteen, a book balanced between her slender hands as she turned each page with care. (Since her age has nothing to do with the way she holds the book, I would turn that last sentence into two sentences: maybe, She was no more than sixteen. A book was balanced between her slender hands, and she turned each page with care.)Her long, sleek dark hair cascaded down past her shoulders and brushed the pages she was hunched over; her brown eyes scanned the fine paper with interest and curiosity(,) not daring to look away. She was small for her age, the youngest of the three daughters of the Hai family. Quiet and patient, she was often overshadowed unintentionally by her two older sisters. They were more confident than she, beautiful and more or less self-assured around other’s(get rid of that apostrophe), yet always withholding the honour of the family. She, on the other hand, preferred the company of her books and the characters within them – it avoided the awkwardness of society.

Her family were fairly wealthy, her father, having once been a loyal member of Government to the Emperor himself, had now retired to a quiet country life in Shihong with his wife and daughters. (Turn this run-on sentence into two sentences.) It was a happy family life, she had never really wanted for anything, sometimes times had been hard but more often than not life was comfortable. (Another run-on sentence.) The three girls had been care-free children, (and) now they had grown older things had not much changed. (Maybe not changed much is more natural?) But had they stayed that way there would be no story.

I guess the ball really started to roll (This just rubs me the wrong way. It's a modern expression and doesn't seem to fit in a historical story.) with the marriage of Yusheng, the oldest Hai daughter. She had always been the favourite, beautiful, kind, lady-like, she possessed all the qualities a woman should have. (She had always been the favourite. Beautiful, kind, and lady-like, she possessed all the qualities a woman should have.) Her life was simple, (and) the match was easy to find – she was sought after by many, though had eyes for only one. However(,) I shall not give away the story to you (give the story away to you,) dearest reader - that is for you to find out for yourself.

Allow me to introduce myself, I am, well…how can I describe it? (The allow me to introduce myself bit seemed awkward and disruptive to the flow of the story. Maybe you could introduce the narrator in a more subtle way.) I am not the blue-eyed cherub you’d usually picture(,) that’s for sure – yet neither am I the beautiful Goddess alternative! No, personally I like to alter my appearance with the changing fashions. I am a traveller by nature,( ; ) my style depends greatly on where I am – I like to dress for the occasion. Despite my changing exterior, you see me everyday, everywhere you go. In fact(,) one could argue you can’t get rid of me. Many grow sick of my twisted ways, yet others prosper from them. (Intriguing detail.) It is rare for a person to escape my presence in life, no matter what shape or form, and the Hai girls were no exception. Ah, yes, the Hai family – I remember them well, three daughters I seem to recall…not one escaped a confrontation with me, oh no. (Your writing is inconsistent here. This narrator has just been describing the girls in some detail, so it seems odd for her to now be saying, three daughters, I seem to recall.) Similarly to others, I changed their lives forever(Ambiguous. Do you mean, similarly to the way the narrator changed other people's lives, or similarly to the way other forces changed the girls' lives?); there was no turning back after we were acquainted. And now, my friends(,) I shall acquaint you with them also.

The girl you see sat (sitting) before you in your mind, the youngest one, that’s right, the one reading the book, that’s Meifeng. Mei to you and I. The two sisters I mentioned before: one of whom you know of already, Yusheng, and the other, Jiaying – well Jia for the likes of us. (This is a fragment. Add a verb to fix it.) Now where to start on their long journey of life? At the beginning of course!

******

You have an interesting beginning here. I enjoyed reading it.

Try to watch your run-on sentences, and try to include punctuation where it would make the writing smoother. I added a lot of commas up there.

This piece was pretty short, so it's impossible to comment on your characterization or plot since there isn't any yet. Keep them coming if you want critiquing on those aspects of your writing.

I'm interested in your narrator, even though you haven't revealed much about her (it is a her?) yet. I also like the setting you've chosen for the story.

Hope this was helpful. Keep writing!

Thanks for the comment ScriboErgoSum! It was really helpful. I wasn't too sure about this introduction to the book so your critique has been useful towards helping me convey it better. The narrator is an extremely hard character to convey because he's looking back on the story from the modern day (all shall hopefully become clear later on who he is exactly), so any hints are worthwhile to me!

I think you may have a devoted reader when it comes to this story. I love Chinese history and the move Mulan, and reading this just made me remember it

I really had nothing to comment on. It really was all very good and attention-grabbing.

But I must say, when you started to describe the narrator, you sort of lost my interest Sorry, I don’t mean that harshly but I would have liked to continue reading about the Hai family. The narrator scene seemed kind of…I’m not sure the right word for it, but my suggestion would be to maybe make that shorter? That might help a bit.

Otherwise, please PM me when you write more!

Thanks ashleylee, will PM you when i submit more.

The narrator probably won't be appearing until further into the story so I kinda rushed everything to fit it all in

thanks for the story


it's nice but has some mistakes
in then


genarally,
its a nice work



i'm praise

cheers


"the truth can set you
free but
you must first set the
truth free wole
soyinla"

thanks

Thanks for the comment praisejoe!

oh i think i know who the narrator is, maybe fate or destiny or something?

hmm, good introduction, although maybe you should start with a scene where something actually happens, before you introduce us to the people in more detail. i find it helpful to know at least a little of what is happening before i get information about random people in the story thrown at me. (do you know what i mean? maybe that was not a very good explanation... hmm...)

This sounds nice so far, but you need much more information. Yes, it's a preface, but it needs more detail.

The first two paragraphs are told in third person, but then you introduce a goddess-type narrator. I was thinking, "What?!" You need to introduce the narrator at the start of the story, or else it is very confusing.

She was no more than sixteen, a book balanced between her slender hands as she turned each page with care.

This should be two sentences (as ScriboErgoSum said).

Actually, come to think of it, everyone else has already thought of everything I could say and more. But I do so love ancient Chinese stories. So make this a good one! I'm not so sure about the "power above" making comments and all, but it's your story. One thing that might lose some readers is the lack of anything actually, well, happening. Maybe she should come across something shocking on the page that comes in later in the story, just as the reader has forgotten about it...

Forget you read that. I'm going to run off and put it in one of my stories.

But good shot at some great historical fiction!