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Sophia's Suitors-Chapter 7 Part 2



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Sun Sep 14, 2008 6:58 pm
Merry_Haven says...



~Well everyone, this is the end. I hope you guys enjoyed this story. Here it is...enjoy!~

Sophia stood there, bemused and bewildered. All she was thinking about was James and what he just told her. How can this be possible? I thought...
“Sophia. Sophia, are you alright?” His concerning voice had pulled her away from her running thoughts.
Trying to pull herself together, she placed on a cheery smile for him, “You just asked me that.”
Raising a dark brow, James felt perplexed, “Didn't you hear a word I just said?”
“I did, but I must be going. I don't want Helena to worry after me.”
Without taking a word from him, Sophia turned her back and left the way she came from. Rounding the same corner from before, she stopped in her tracks. I can't do this. Not now. Not when I'm going to be wed. Then all of a sudden, Sophia felt her eyes tear up again. Slowly tears started to flow down her pink cheeks. Why, am I crying? I don't understand this at all. Everything in the past week has gone too fast. And now, I'm going to be married. It's all because of my father. Sophia hiccuped, while trying to brush her tears away. Maybe I should just leave and go back home. Life at home would be so much easier.
“Sophia! Where are you?” Realizing it was the voice of Helena, she pushed back the tears and walked off.
After hitting another corner, she found Helena. “Sophia, where were you? Mama was going frantic.” Helena stopped and looked closely at her cousin. “Were you crying? I can see that your eyes are swollen from crying? What's wrong?”
“It's nothing. Just happy, wedding tears.” Sophia gave a smile that seemed too odd for Helena.
“Alright. If you say so. We might as well go back because a Mr. Kingsford is here for you.”
“A Mr. Kingsford?”
“Yes, he came after the wedding ended. Why? Who is he?”
“He's my father's lawyer. He probably wants to know if I married, yet.” Sophia almost shrugged. Then again, it wouldn't be lady like to do so.
“Oh.”
“Come on, Helena. We must get back to the wedding.” Catching up to Sophia, they walked in silence, till they got to the crowd.
When they got there, everyone was up, talking and enjoying the refreshments. Sophia, again, scanned the crowd for her family's lawyer.
“He's over there by the fountain.” Helena whispered enough for Sophia to hear her.
Sophia glanced towards the fountain and saw Mr. Kingsford. “I'll be back in a minute.” She told Helena as she lingered over to him.
The family lawyer was nibbling on some pastries when he noticed Sophia by his side, “Why, Sophia. I'm glad to see you again.” He popped the last dessert into his mouth, then gave a tender smile.
“And I you.” She nodded in respect for him. He was always caring toward my family.
“Well, you know why I came here?”
“Yes, you came here to see if I married, yet.”
“That's correct. The week has ended and have you guessed your suitors?” If only he knew that they told me instead, without me guessing.
Mr. Kingsford didn't wait for a reply, “I came here with your father's fortune.” He patted the black folder in arms, “So have you come to a conclusion?”
“I have. I'm planning to be married within the hour.”
In response, his eyes widen with shock, “That's wonderful.”
“Well, I must be off. See you at the wedding, Mr. Kingsford.” Sophia placed a smile of accomplishment and left the lawyer.
The guests were slowly dispersing but knew they had to be back for the next wedding. Sophia saw Helena and lingered over to her, “Helena, it's time.”
Helena crunched her dark eyebrows in confusion, “Time for what?”
A little hushed sigh escaped her lips, “It's time for me to change.”
“Oh. Let me get mama.” While Helena went to get her mother, Aunt Caroline, Sophia was thinking. I know what I must do. Yet I mustn't tell anyone of my little plan. A plan that could, no, will change my life. Being overjoyed with her little scheme, her relatives came over.
“Are you ready, dear?” Aunt Caroline asked.
Her pink lips curved up in a slight smile. They have no idea what will happen. “Yes.”
With that the three ladies left back to their house, getting Sophia ready for her wedding.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The rays of the bright, yellow sun caressed Sophia's soft skin. The warm sensation brushed over her body, sending a shiver down her spine.
The corset that was secured tightly had gave her a flawless posture, so the gown would show every curve of her slim body. The white, cream colored muslin and pale pink roses around the neck was giving her a lovely outlook. The muslin wasn't up to the neck, but low enough to show some of her bosom. Her golden, blond hair was pulled up to the top, with having some of her wavy curls in hanging wisps. Her bangs weren't curly but wavy like her hair and there were no ringlets around her face. She didn't want to be like those fashionable ladies from London, but herself. There was no sign of jewelry on her, knowing she didn't want to look like she was rich. She looked simple and beautiful for the way she was.
The highly decorated guests were back and ready for the next wedding. Everything from the previous engagement was still there, except with more refreshments.
The clergyman opened his bible and everyone waited for the next moment. He began speaking, while Sophia glanced at her fiancé.
Richard Covington, known as the Marquess of Ellsworth was secretly fumbling with his fingers. He looks bored, but he'll have to see.
He was wearing a dark blue waist coat with white breeches. His over coat and boots shined black from the radiating sun. His hair was the color of coal as it was brushed back. He looked like the average gentlemen from the ton in London.
Not noticing that the clergyman was speaking to her, Sophia's bright blue eyes raised in confusion. “What?” She murmured softly.
“Will you take Richard Covington as your beloved husband? Through sickness and health, in richer or poor as long as you live?”
Sophia glanced at Richard, who was giving her looks to hurry her up. Instead she knew what she had to do, “No.”
“No?” Richard's patience was no longer there as he was becoming very agitated.
“No.” She replied back. Then suddenly Sophia dropped her banksiae, pink roses and ran off through the crowd of gaping mouths into the garden.
Slowing her pace down, Sophia reached the part of the garden that was secret. Like a secret garden. Yet is wasn't secret as she found James there from before.
Sophia raised her hand to her chest, “James? What are you doing here?” She spoke through exasperated breaths from running.
His emerald eyes lit up as he went up to her, “Sophia, are you hurt? Alright? Why are you here and not at your wedding?”
Remembering what James told her about her fiancé, she forced herself to cry. I can do this. One by one, the salty tears ran down her pink cheeks. Perfect.
“I can't James. I can't go back there.” James pulled her in his arms as he brushed her tears away.
“You don't have to.” His warm breath lingered onto her face.
“Then what will I do?”
Raising his head up to the heavens he thought of a plan. A second later he looked back down at Sophia. “Stay here.”
Knowing that he would say that, she played the innocent, “What?”
He lightly let go of her and took a step back, “Stay here, I know what to do.”
“Please hurry.” With those words, James went up to her, took Sophia in his hands and gave her a rough kiss.
“I will be back.” With that he left.
Sophia, on the other hand, looked ever so happy. This is exactly how I planned this. I just hope this works. She wiped her tears away and walked back to the wedding.
Creeping behind a tall, green bush she waited for the moment to come out. Seeing James walking through the aisle, she came out. “Wait!”
Immediately everyone turned around at the sound of her loud voice. “Sophia, what are you doing?” James asked through a confused tone.
Ignoring James for the moment, she walked halfway up through the aisle for everyone to see her. “Richard Covington, how dare you lie to me.”
Richard, who was angry from before, raised his voice, “What are you talking about?”
“You know exactly what I'm talking about. You and your mistress from London.” From her sudden words, everyone started whispering. Sophia was not acting like a lady, yet she didn't care one bit.
Before Richard could even speak a word, Mr. Kingsford spoke, “Lord Covington, Marquess of Ellsworth, I will not let you be married to Miss Selwood. I have searched about you, young man. All you are is fortune hunter, seeking out helpless maidens. Known by the law of England , you can not marry another woman if you are previously married. You are to leave back to London, to your wife. You are no longer welcomed in Bath.” His angry voice towards Richard made everyone taken back. This was the first time Mr. Kingsford acted angry and it shocked Sophia.
“Humph!” The crowd turned back and saw Richard step out of the gazebo and left the wedding.
“Well, Sophia, what are you going to do now?” The family lawyer asked.
Then all of a sudden, a secret smile curved up into Sophia's face, “I know exactly what to do.”
With that she walked up to the gazebo and looked at the clergyman, “You may begin.”
“Where's your groom?” He asked politely.
Sophia glanced back at the crowd and saw James, “He's right there.” As she pointed at him.
A surprised smile rose upon his face as he joined Sophia at the gazebo. “You may begin.” James also said.
The clergyman glanced at the both of them and began speaking, “Miss Sophia Selwood will you take James Bentley as you're beloved husband? Through sickness and health and richer and poorer, as long as you live?”
“Yes. Yes, I will.” Sophia was so happy she almost started to cry real wedding tears.
“James Bentley, will you take Miss Selwood as you beloved wife? Through sickness and health and richer and poorer, as long as you live?”
“Yes.”
The clergyman closed is bible, “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss her.”
James took a step closer to Sophia and placed his hand on her cheek. “I love you.” He whispered as he lowered his head down and kissed her softly.
Everyone, including the twins, rose and starting clapping. James lifted his head from Sophia as they both looked at the overly happy crowd.
They glanced at each other, happily, and walked off the gazebo. The clapping died down as they approached Helena, who was of course with Simon.
“Sophia, I'm so happy for you.” Helena spoke through her wedding tears as she tried to wipe them away.
“Thank you.” Sophia said as she glanced up at James.
He looked down at his wife and spoke, “Please excuse us for a moment.”
“Sure.” Simon replied.
James gently took Sophia's hand and he led her to their secret garden.
When they got there, James took Sophia in his arms. “You've made me the happiest man alive.”
Changing the subject, Sophia smiled brightly, “You do look dashing with you collar points too low.” She murmured softly.
James leaned in closer and whispered in her ear, “You do look ravishing in white, Sophia.” He smiled wickedly.
Except Sophia didn't hear a word he said, because she was far too busy kissing him.
Mary had a little lamb. Little lamb. Little lamb!

Ugh!! I really hate my name. >.<
  





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Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:20 pm
Night Mistress says...



this was a good story. i love it.

but of course i love historical romance.


i look forward to reading more of your historical romance.
"I love you," she whispered in his ear, before taking his mouth with her own.

~Elizzabeth Grey of Addicting Posion
  





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Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:06 pm
jasmine12 says...



Okay. so earlier i was watching the history of alaska on the history channel and now its some cowboy movie..i havent been watching but it was really weird to turn it around and see someone with a fake mustache talking all cowboy like...odd anyway on i go....WAIT THIS iS THE END??? dam it! i like it to much for it to end...NOOOOooOOOOoooooOOoo haha




Sophia stood there, bemused and bewildered. All she was thinking about was James and what he just told her. How can this be possible? I thought...

Bemused and bewildered...be.be.be haha maybe try a different word so it doesnt sound kinda weird. also you said 'I thought' it should be 'she thought.'
~~~~~~~~~
“Were you crying? I can see that your eyes are swollen from crying? What's wrong?”

Okay, this line kind of made me giggle. even for the times, it seems to formal. Maybe something like 'Your eyes, they are swollen! What's wrong?' see? better flow-y like.
~~~~~~~~
“I will be back.” With that he left.

wah wah wah???? where did he goo??
~~~~~~~


AHHHHHH I KNEW IT I KNEW IT I KNEW IT!!!!!!!



This was perfect Merry!! absolutly perfect....!!!!!

gah im soo happy right now!!!!! GAH!
"Sometimes the worst bad guy makes the best good guy." Nigel--Untouched
  





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Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:45 pm
CastlesInTheSky says...



Sophia stood there, bemused and bewildered. All she was thinking about was James and what he just told her. How can this be possible? I thought...


Unintentional alliteration there - bemused and bewildered. Change it maybe? :wink:


Without taking a word from him, Sophia turned her back and left the way she came from. Rounding the same corner from before, she stopped in her tracks. I can't do this. Not now. Not when I'm going to be wed. Then all of a sudden, Sophia felt her eyes tear up again. Slowly tears started to flow down her pink cheeks. Why, am I crying? I don't understand this at all. Everything in the past week has gone too fast. And now, I'm going to be married. It's all because of my father. Sophia hiccuped, while trying to brush her tears away. Maybe I should just leave and go back home. Life at home would be so much easier.

This all has a very good flow and is a very good description of her emotions at the time.


After hitting another corner, she found Helena. “Sophia, where were you? Mama was going frantic.” Helena stopped and looked closely at her cousin. “Were you crying? I can see that your eyes are swollen from crying? What's wrong?”

this was a bit over done. Reword as, "Were you crying? Your eyes are all swollen. What's wrong?"


“It's nothing. Just happy, wedding tears.” Sophia gave a smile that seemed too odd for Helena.

No need for comma between happy and wedding.


“Alright. If you say so. We might as well go back because a Mr. Kingsford is here for you.”
“A Mr. Kingsford?”
“Yes, he came after the wedding ended. Why? Who is he?”
“He's my father's lawyer. He probably wants to know if I married, yet.” Sophia almost shrugged. Then again, it wouldn't be lady like to do so.
“Oh.”
“Come on, Helena. We must get back to the wedding.” Catching up to Sophia, they walked in silence, till they got to the crowd.
When they got there, everyone was up, talking and enjoying the refreshments. Sophia, again, scanned the crowd for her family's lawyer.
“He's over there by the fountain.” Helena whispered enough for Sophia to hear her.
Sophia glanced towards the fountain and saw Mr. Kingsford. “I'll be back in a minute.” She told Helena as she lingered over to him.



Sorry to quote so much but I just wanted to pinpoint this - your dialogue is rapidly improving and becoming more realistic, the quote is an example of your massive improvement in writing dialogue.

The family lawyer was nibbling on some pastries when he noticed Sophia by his side, “Why, Sophia. I'm glad to see you again.” He popped the last dessert into his mouth, then gave a tender smile.
“And I you.” She nodded in respect for him. He was always caring toward my family.
“Well, you know why I came here?”


Out of respect makes more sense that "in respect".


“Yes, you came here to see if I married, yet.”

No comma.


Helena crunched her dark eyebrows in confusion, “Time for what?”
A little hushed sigh escaped her lips, “It's time for me to change.”


Can you really crunch eyebrows? cool



The corset that was secured tightly had gave her a flawless posture, so the gown would show every curve of her slim body. The white, cream colored muslin and pale pink roses around the neck was giving her a lovely outlook. The muslin wasn't up to the neck, but low enough to show some of her bosom. Her golden, blond hair was pulled up to the top, with having some of her wavy curls in hanging wisps. Her bangs weren't curly but wavy like her hair and there were no ringlets around her face. She didn't want to be like those fashionable ladies from London, but herself. There was no sign of jewelry on her, knowing she didn't want to look like she was rich. She looked simple and beautiful for the way she was.


Merry Merry Merry! :D This was beautifully described. Beautifully, beautifully, beautifully described.


The highly decorated guests were back and ready for the next wedding. Everything from the previous engagement was still there, except with more refreshments.

I wouldnt describe guests as decorated :D


\ Except Sophia didn't hear a word he said, because she was far too busy kissing him.

Wow! yay!!!! I knew it, I knew it!
(Okay, I didn't know it.)
But still.

This was amazing,Merry :D
Had I the heavens embroider'd cloths,
I would spread the cloths under your feet.
But I being poor, have only my dreams,
So tread softly, for you tread on my life.
  





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Thu Sep 18, 2008 12:28 am
ashleylee says...



This is such a cute story but I’m sad that it’s over. I want to keep reading about James and Sophia! :wink:

Without taking a word from him, Sophia turned her back and left the way she came from.


The bold part here is kind of funny. I’m not quite sure what you are trying to say here. I would just reread it and to a rewrite on this.

Why, am I crying?


No need for the comma after “Why”

“What?” She murmured softly.


Small “s” on “she” here

Okay, now that the individuals are done, I’m just going to do a complete review of your story, characters and plot included.

First things first, the overall of your story:

When you first started writing, everything flowed so well and it was all so good. Then you got to chapter six and things felt rushed. You have to make that balance even on both sides.

1. My first piece of advise would be to, like I said previously, elaborate more. Add more insight.

2. Also, go into more detail. Right now, it is all just really small descriptions. Go ahead and expand! :D

3. Another thing would be your commas. They are kind of in odd spots. Me, being not good a grammar, I can’t really give you pointers on that. But I can tell from just looking at it that they look odd. Just ask around and others will help you with that.

4. Your dialogue is another thing you just have to watch out for. Most of it is very realistic. Like basically all of it. But sometimes, I felt that things were said that didn’t need to be or that didn’t make sense. Just read through it and you’ll see what I mean.

5. Emotions. This is the biggest thing that stood out to me. Most of your emotions were right, but they switched so fast, from happiness to sadness that it confused me. Try to slow it down. I guess this goes along with the pace thing as well.

Characters:

Sophia: MC, pretty rich girl but tries to be simple. I really can’t go into much detail with her because, and this goes along with the emotions thing, she just changed so quickly. I think this is part of how quickly your story went, you know? Just try to clean up some things with her, make it clearer.

Helena: MC’s best friend and cousin. In the beginning, she played a pretty big role. But towards the end, that role kind of diminishes into nothing. If you want to keep her big, my advise would to have more conversations between the two. If you want to keep it small, I would just try to go back and emphasize more her personality, to make her stand out at least a little bit from Sophia.

Lucy: The snotty rich girl. Hmm, I thought you did pretty good with her. I really have no complaints, except that I really don’t like her. She got Isaac…:(
Lord C: The Liar and Cheater. He was definitely on my number one on who was the meanest out of all your characters. I liked how you protrayed him as so nice and lovely and perfect and then changed him to the nasty person he was. My only thing with him is that you need to be careful at the end to not make him so cut-and-dry. I mean, I expected his mood to change there but it was too quick for me. Make it more smoother.

Simon: Helena’s sweetheart. He plays a small part so I really have nothing to say about him. I just want you to know that if you want to make him more standoutish or more unique, I would add more to his personlity. But otherwise, he’s fine as he is at the moment.

Isaac: The Hottie of the story. He’s Lucy’s husband. He was another small, but good part. I liked him. He just seemed like the sweet gentlemen. I have no complaints here.

James: Oh gosh, maybe I shouldn’t have done this…James is seriously like the man out of my dreams. I don’t know what it is about him but I just swoon as I read your story at the computer. :D I guess I’m happy for Sophia (even though I wanted him for myself). The only issue with him is to make him stand out more. He seemed like a really small part until BAM, chapter seven. I would make the transition a little smoother.

Mister Lawyer: He was another small part. He seemed pretty genuine and kind to Sophia so he’s another good guy :wink:

Plot:

All righty, the fun part. I liked your overall idea for this story, but as I mentioned before, there are things you can clean up. Like the wedding thing. I don’t know why that bugs me so much but I just got the impression that once people get engaged, they throw lavish parties and it like takes weeks to plan, maybe even months. So that’s why I think I had a problem with the one-day-engagement-marriage-situation. And that’s just me so you probably don’t even need to worry about that.

Otherwise, loved it loved it LOVED IT! :D

Keep on writing, Merry!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  








"I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
— Lewis Carroll