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~Michelangelo's Night and Day~Chapter Six



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Thu Jun 05, 2008 10:50 pm
ashleylee says...



Hello everyone! :D

Here I am, posting the next chapter. Now, this chapter has a lot going on so just bare with me.

Harsh critiques are needed, as usual, so go ahead and review away! :wink:

Enjoy!

_________________________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER SIX

The week seems to mock me with its speed, and the games approach at an alarming rate. I try to slow down the days by purposely making myself bored but it does nothing to cease time and before long, I awaken on the day of the games. I still know nothing of these so-called games. I’ve heard of them in Greece. They talk of gladiators and battles but I think of nothing more than a harmless exchange of swords. They also talked of lions and dogs but I never thought of it including bloodshed, as I heard others refer to it as.

Lyra helps me dress, as usual. Today, I wear more finery. An embroidered tunic of a pale violet with flower designs garnishing the hem. My sandals are bejeweled and painted silver. My belt is heavy and made of silver. Lyra pulls it tight; I feel my breath leave me. I plea for her to loosen the garment but she brushes my complaint away with a flick of her fingers before starting on my hair. “You must be excited, Miss Isadora,” she says, brushing my hair with gentle strokes. No longer does she need to use force where my hair is concerned.
“Not really,” I answer truthfully and I fear I have said the wrong thing by her expression.
“But you are to meet the most handsome bachelor in all of Rome as his special guest!” she exclaims, pulling my hair high on top of my head and curling wayward strands so they frame around my face.
“Are you talking of Caradoc?” I ask as she weaves silver wire into my hair, and colorful glass beads.
“Who else?”
“Well, I have never seen him, so how would I know?” I excuse.
“Oh, he is lovely,” she says boldly, breathless.
“He’s a senator,” I point out. “From what my father has told me, senators are nothing but ruthless and selfish drones of the emperor himself.”
“Your father knows nothing of power,” Lyra observes and I can’t help but agree.
“True, but do they have to be so smug about their power?”
“Caradoc is nothing like that.”
“And you know this personally or from the gossip you hear?” I wonder with a twisted smile. Lyra doesn’t bother to answer me and I smile. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to make my own opinion of him when I meet him tonight.” Lyra gazes at me longingly as I twirl a stand of hair around my finger and then un-twirling it, leaving a perfect ringlet. “I’ll try not to have too much fun.” I wink at her.
“Do tell all of what happens when you return!” she calls after me.
“Don’t worry. I will.” I promise before joining the Chandrenos family in their most magnificent litter.
It is adorned with golden walls and pillows. Evander and my father are knocking glasses filled with champagne in celebration to their good fortune. Delicia watches them fondly and then smiles upon my entrance. I see that I am appointed to sit beside Nicandro once again. I sit stiffly and he smirks at my cautious behavior. But he does nothing rash or audacious. I know his mind is on Celia, and as we exit the litter when we reach the entrance to the Colosseum, I fear he will unravel his tunic as he tugs anxiously at it. “Relax,” I hiss quietly at him. He scowls but shakes his shoulders as if to shake away his nerves.
I pay him no more mind as I gape at the immense building before us. It is a masterpiece in the architectural world. It’s a giant bowl in the pool of Rome with its stone seats and thousands of screaming fans. Nicandro smirks at my astonished expression but I ignore this as we make our way to the box Caradoc owns, along with all the other government members. I see that Octavio has already arrived as we weave our way amongst the crowded rows. People shout, hurting my eardrums until tears prick at my eyes at the clarity of noise.
Nicandro quickly spots Celia and greets her warmly, escaping from my side. He sits between her and Octavio, leaving me to sit at the end of the row with my father with an empty seat to my left. But, too much is happening to care of Nicandro’s abandonment.
I peer down from where I sit, into the giant bowl filled with sand. It glistens and sparkles in the sunlight like thousands of stars. I look to my right and gasp. The emperor’s box is only meters away. He is the highest up with guards on all sides. From far away, he appears grim and withdrawn from the excitement bubbling like lava around him. I peer out at the sand again and feel my own anxiety mount with each passing moment.
Then cheers ring in the arena as chariots enter with prancing stallions. The first, my father explains, is the sponsor of the day. The ones following are the gladiators. I see girls throw themselves at the walls and toss tokens of love out to these battle-scared men. I frown at their vulgar behavior and Father laughs. “You would understand if you were a Roman.” I shrug and he clips me affectionately under the chin as the sponsor begins his speech.
I loose interest quickly, and take to staring closely at the men ready to go into battle. The nearest to me seems to be the favorite, for his mass of fans seems to be the largest. And I can see why, for he is beyond anything human. His hair is a bright blonde like the sand below his sandal-covered feet and his body seems to be sculpted by Zeus himself. He wears hardly any armor, and a short sword is his only choice of weaponry. “I see Marino has caught your eye.” A deep, sultry voice floats to me on an invisible wind and I start. The voice chuckles throatily and I turn to see that the seat beside me has been filled with a man.
The first thing that I notice is that he is the most well groomed man I have ever seen. He is probably nearing twenty-five with lush, dark brown hair that is straight, short, and naturally ruffled to give it an air as though he had just ran his fingers through it. His eyes are the deepest and most shocking cerulean blue, so that I feel as though I have plunged into the very depths of an ocean and are fringed by chocolate-dipped lashes that flutter as he blinks. He is dressed in a gold-gilded toga, displaying his obvious wealth and success. His nose is straight and slightly pointed at the tip. His lips are curved over flagrant white teeth. I blush crimson when see that he is smiling pointedly at me and know I have been caught staring. I try to remember what he previously asked me but my mind is as clean as a slate and this makes my cheeks shine an even brighter red. I prepare myself for the insults and obvious disdain at my flaming face. At least, that is what experience has told me by Nicandro’s similar behavior. But he surprises me when he kindly repeats the question. “Marino, the gladiator?”
I look again to the muscled man flexing his muscles and my nerves spark at his actions before shaking my head. “No. Not me.”
“No?” He tilts his head curiously.
“No. He’s handsome, I suppose. But look how he flexes so flagrantly for those women, who swoon over him as though he is a god. So disgraceful.” Color rises in my cheeks when I realize how bold I have been. “Oh, I mean – “
“Don’t apologize,” he interrupts before I can excuse my manners. “It’s refreshing to listen to a young lady with opinions of her own.”
“It is?” I ask softly and he nods, his blue eyes blazing.
“And for one, many who are bold would never admit something so unreasonable,” he adds.
“Unreasonable?”
“Yes. Most women are proud to admit they have a gladiator to swoon over.”
“I guess I’m not most women, then?” I say with a coy smile.
“I guess not,” he murmurs, his eyes studying my face cursorily. “I haven’t seen you here before.”
“You wouldn’t. I am here with my father on business from Greece.”
“You are Greek?”
“Yes.”
“Well, that explains your ivory skin.” There is a complement imbedded in his words and I smile bashfully. “So, I’m guessing this would be your first activity involving blood-shed at the arena?”
I gasp when I hear the mockery in his voice. “What ever do you mean?”
“You do not know of what the arena’s purpose is?” He raises his eyebrows. I shake my head, dumb-founded. “Ah, well…I guess I shouldn’t be the one to ruin it for you then.”
“You wouldn’t ruin it, sir,” I promise him, eager to know the truth of the arena.
“Please, call me Caradoc,” he says and I feel my eyes widen in disbelief.
“Caradoc?” I stutter weakly.
His eyes flutter close briefly and he says. “Please, don’t go all flustering over me.”
My cheeks flame, but this time in anger. “Don’t worry, sir. I wasn’t going to.” And I turn away from him, fuming with the nerve of him.
He touches my elbow lightly. “I hadn’t meant to offend.”
“Well, you did,” I snap.
“It’s just that normally girls recognize me immediately, but…”
“So you’re saying you enjoyed my conversation because I was too naive to realize that you were the famous senator?” I scorn.
“Yes.” He nods honestly and I shake my head.
“All you Romans are alike.”
“Care to elaborate?” he presses with a heart-melting grin, which only makes me angrier.
“No,” I say icily.
“Not even a little?” he pleads.
I sigh and the corners of his mouth twitches at my expense. “You Roman men I should say.”
“So you are saying us Roman men are more suave than those of Greek gentlemen?” Caradoc says smoothly and I gape at him.
“Ah, actually, my opinion is the opposite of yours.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes! You Romans think you can be so audacious around woman, thinking they will swoon at your wit and charm.”
“And Greek men don’t do the same thing?” he challenges, his eyes sparkling with mischief.
“No. Greek men are sincere and win the heart of a girl through kindness and love.” I stress the word, throwing it into his face.
“I see. Well, how do you know all Roman men act as you say they do?”
“The proof is sitting beside me,” I say coolly and Caradoc laughs for the first time. It is husky and deep and I feel my blood rush at such a manly sound. I struggle to keep my emotions in check as he answers.
“You are definitely not like other girls…” He trails off, waiting for me to fill in the space with my name. At first, I wish to stay silent and leave him disappointed. But my heart pounds and I feel my defenses crack.
“Isadora,” I finally utter, feeling unbearable weak. Will I always be so softhearted when a handsome man is involved? I silently ask myself.
“Isadora. That’s beautiful,” he says and I look him straight in the eye. My limbs turn to jelly and I thank the gods that I’m not standing when he looks at me like that. It feels as though he’s gazing right into my soul. I stutter and look to my lap where I pick at my fingernails. I feel an awkward silence settling and wish to stop it when Father comes to my rescue. “Hello! Who are you?” My father points to Caradoc, his eyes noticing the closeness of his arm to mine.
Caradoc removes his elbow and answers politely. “Caradoc Laskaris, sir.” My father’s face pales. “And you must be Isadora’s father?”
“Yes,” Father utters, swallowing hard. “Amycus Chatzi at your service.” He offers Caradoc his hand and Caradoc takes it, shaking firmly.
“Sweet daughter you have here, sir,” Caradoc commends, winking at him before standing. “Well, I must be off. Have to visit with all the guests you know, however, I would much rather talk to you.” And Caradoc looks at me with those piercing blue eyes like ice. “It’s a pleasure to have met you, Isadora Chatzi.” And with the tip of his head, he’s off, weaving off to join Octavio and his family at the other end.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Father hisses and I break the spell Caradoc has cast.
“I’m sorry, Father. I hadn’t known who he was either, until the very end,” I tell him swiftly and this pacifies him as the crowd erupts.
The gladiators are exiting the arena.
The first few shows are displays of valor and strength. Men are chased by dogs and destroyed by foes. I meet my first bloodshed with horrified eyes; I can feel the blood drain from my face as a man is sliced in half right before my eyes. This sight is much more impacting than the village, I believe. The poor are one thing but murder is another.
My father squeezes my hand sympathetically and I see that I am the only one horrified, because of the calls for more from the Romans around us.
Finally, intermission rolls around, and I excuse myself for some fresh air and a good strong drink of wine. I discover a vender and go to slip him a few coins for a glass of wine, when my fingers brush fabric. I smile apologetically and search frantically for my money.
When I come up empty handed, the vender isn’t happy and swipes the wine from my hands. “I’ll pay,” a deep voice offers and the vender and I fluster when we both see it is Caradoc Laskaris. The vender fusses over him and apologizes over and over again to me as Caradoc swings a friendly arm across my shoulders. I go to shake him off but the vendor’s next words catch me unprepared. “I’m so, so sorry Senator Laskaris. I did not know you had a courter with you.” My face pales and then steams right up to a crimson red. Caradoc seems to be unaffected by this, however, and squeezes my shoulders affectionately.
“It’s all right. Just because Annamaria and I are no longer doesn’t mean I don’t have others.” He winks coyly at the vendor and flashes me a dazzling smile. “Isn’t that right?” His eyes are smoldering as they look at me, and I nod weakly. The vendor then passes over a glass of wine and Caradoc leads me away.
When we are out of sight, I shake off his arm and glower. “Who do you think you are?”
“You wanted this wine, didn’t you?” He shoves it into my hands.
“Yes. But I could have done it without your help.” I glare and take a sip. “I had it all under control.”
“I could see that.” Caradoc smirks and I heave an agitated sigh. I take another tentative sip. “So, do I get a thanks or are you going to remain unsociable?”
I flash him a pained smile and say. “Thank you Senator Laskaris, for your kindness. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
Caradoc frowns. “I suppose that will suffice.” Abruptly, he smiles again.

He accompanies me all the way to my seat before I sum up the courage to ask: “May I be so bold to ask you something?”
Caradoc studies me. “Why bother asking when I know you will question me anyway?”
I frown but press forward. “Who is Annamaria?” Caradoc face suddenly holds a very distressed expression, and I immediately regret asking. “Oh, you don’t have to tell me. It’s all right,” I quickly say.
“No.” He waves his hand. “She was my courter until a few weeks ago.”
“What happened?” I blurt out before I can stop myself. Instantly, I cover my hands with my mouth, my cheeks flaring. How stupid, stupid, STUPID! I think loudly, This man is obviously grieving. Look at his face… Compassion swims into my eyes as I look at his face, lips turned down in a frown and his cerulean orbs swimming with regret. I open my mouth to excuse my behavior but he surprises me.
Sighing deeply and running his fingers hastily through his lush hair, he answers me. “She left me,” he says simply but I see the anguish behind his clouded eyes, and know there is more to the story. But I don’t press further and just nod. “I’m sorry,” I say, and mean it.
He looks at me with surprise. “For what?”
I shrug. “No one should experience such a loss as you have.” And with that, I go to my seat, placing myself beside my father. I can feel Caradoc watching me and I wait until I see him out of the corner of my eye to peek over at him. He is seated on the other end of the row with Octavio and his eyes flicker over to me. I jolt but don’t look away. His mouth tips and I see the gracious thank you shinning from his lips. I nod my head politely before leaning back to finish watching the horrific games.
________________________________________________________________________________

*BE PROUD OF ME!! I worked really hard on my puncuation so hopefully it wasn't dreadful! :wink:*
Last edited by ashleylee on Sat Jun 07, 2008 1:06 am, edited 2 times in total.
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Fri Jun 06, 2008 6:27 pm
scasha says...



Hey ashleylee! Decided to give your piece a read through :-)
Anyway, here goes the review key:
Red = Comments
Bold = sentences/words/punctuation and stuff that I inserted.
Let's do this thing!
ashleylee wrote:Hello everyone! :D

Here I am, posting the next chapter. Now, this chapter has a lot going on so just bare with me.

Harsh critiques are needed, as usual, so go ahead and review away! :wink:

Enjoy!

_________________________________________________________________________________

CHAPTER SIX

The week seems to mock me with its speed, and the games approach at an alarming rate. I try to slow down the days [s]by purposely making myself bored[/s] I didn't really like that part but it does nothing to cease time and before long, I awaken that fateful morning with dread in my stomach [s]on the day of the games[/s]. I still know nothing of these so-called games. I’ve heard of them in Greece. They talk of gladiators and battles [s]but I think of nothing more than a harmless exchange of swords[/s] She seems nervous so I don't think you should put in all the things she thinks the day isn't. It's obviously something bad . They also talked of lions and dogs refering to bloody sport, but I refuse to think about it[s]but I never thought of it including bloodshed, as I heard others refer to it as [/s]. Since the games probably have bloods[hed in them and you say that other refer to it as bloody, shouldn't she think of it like that?

Lyra helps me dress, as usual. Today, I wear more finery. An embroidered tunic of a pale violet with flower designs garnishing the hem. My sandals are bejeweled and painted silver. My belt is heavy and made of silver Try not to repeat words. You said silver in the last sentence. Maybe say of expensive metal or something . Lyra pulls it tight; I feel my breath leave me. I plea for her to loosen the garment but she brushes my complaint away with a flick of her fingers before starting on my hair. Try not to tell us what's going on. Show us the dialogue, the pain that she feels from the corset or something “You must be excited, Miss Isadora,” she says, brushing my hair with gentle strokes. No longer does she need to use force where my hair is concerned.
“Not really,” I answer truthfully and [s]I fear I have said the wrong thing by her expression[/s] Again, try to avoid telling. Say instead and she furrowed her brow in surprise or something .
“But you are to meet the most handsome bachelor in all of Rome and attend the games as his special guest!” she exclaims, pulling my hair high on top of my head and curling wayward strands so they frame [s]around[/s] my face.
“Are you talking of Caradoc?” I ask as she weaves silver wire into my hair, and colorful glass beads.
“Who else?”
“Well, I have never seen him, so how would I know?” I excuse.
“Oh, he is lovely,” she says boldly, breathless.
“He’s a senator,” I point out. “From what my father has told me, senators are nothing but ruthless and selfish drones of the emperor himself.”
“Your father knows nothing of power,” Lyra observes and I can’t help but agree.
“True, but do they have to be so smug about their power?”
“Caradoc is nothing like that.”
“And you know this personally or from the gossip you hear?” I wonder with a twisted smile. Lyra doesn’t bother to answer me and I smile. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to form [s]make[/s] my own opinion of him when I meet him tonight.” Lyra gazes at me longingly as I twirl a stand of hair around my finger and then un-twirl[s]ing[/s] it, leaving a perfect ringlet. “I’ll try not to have too much fun.” I wink at her.
“Do tell all of what happens when you return!” she calls after me.
“Don’t worry. I will.” I promise before joining the Chandrenos family in their most magnificent litter.
It is adorned with golden walls and pillows. Evander and my father are knocking glasses filled with champagne in celebration to their good fortune. Delicia watches them fondly and then smiles upon my entrance. I see that I am appointed to sit beside Nicandro once again. I sit stiffly and he smirks at my cautious behavior. But he does nothing rash [s]or audacious[/s]. I know his mind is on Celia, and as we exit the litter when we reach the entrance to the Colosseum, I fear he will unravel his tunic as he tugs anxiously at it. This part felt a bit rushed. You took the time to describe the litter, so I suggest that you don't rush through their exit. This is also a run on sentence so be spit up your ideas. “Relax,” I hiss quietly at him. He scowls but shakes his shoulders [s]as if to [/s] trying to get rid of [s]shake away [/s]his nerves.
I pay him no more mind as I gape at the immense building before us. It is a masterpiece in the architectural world. It’s a giant bowl in the pool of Rome with its stone seats and thousands of screaming fans. Nicandro smirks at my astonished expression but I ignore this as we make our way to the box Caradoc owns, along with all the other government members. I see that Octavio has already arrived as we weave our way amongst the crowded rows. People shout, hurting my eardrums until tears prick at my eyes at the clarity of noise. Do people push her aside? Show us what's going on. you do a little too much telling
Nicandro quickly spots Celia and greets her warmly, escaping from my side. He sits between her and Octavio, leaving me to sit at the end of the row with my father with an empty seat to my left. But, too much is happening to care of Nicandro’s abandonment.
I peer down from where I sit, into the giant bowl filled with sand. It glistens and sparkles in the sunlight like thousands of stars. I look to my right and gasp. The emperor’s box is only meters away. He is the highest up with guards on all sides. From far away, he appears grim and withdrawn from the excitement bubbling like lava around him. I peer out at the sand again and feel my own anxiety mount with each passing moment.
Then cheers ring in the arena as chariots enter with prancing stallions. The first, my father explains, is the sponsor of the day. The ones following are the gladiators. I see girls throw themselves at the walls and toss tokens of love out to these battle-scared men. I frown at their vulgar behavior and Father laughs. “You would understand if you were a Roman.” I shrug and he clips me affectionately under the chin as the sponsor begins his speech.
I loose interest quickly, and take to staring closely at the men ready to go into battle. The nearest to me seems to be the favorite, for his mass of fans seems to be the largest. And I can see why, for he is beyond anything human. His hair is a bright blonde like the sand below his sandal-covered feet and his body seems to be sculpted by Zeus himself. He wears hardly any armor, and a short sword is his only choice of weaponry. “I see Marino has caught your eye.” A deep, sultry voice floats to me on an invisible wind and I start. The voice chuckles throatily and I turn to see that the seat beside me has been filled with a man.
The first thing that I notice is that he is the most well groomed man I have ever seen. He is [s]probably[/s] nearing twenty-five with lush, dark brown hair that is straight, short, and naturally ruffled [s]to give it an air as though he had just ran his fingers through it[/s]. His eyes are the deepest and most shocking cerulean blue, and [s]so that [/s] I feel as though I have plunged into the very depths of an ocean [s]and are fringed by chocolate-dipped lashes that flutter as he blinks[/s]. Watch out for your runons. He is dressed in a gold-gilded toga, displaying his obvious wealth and success. His nose is straight and slightly pointed at the tip. His lips are curved over flagrant white teeth. I blush crimson when see that he is smiling pointedly at me and know I have been caught staring. I try to remember what he previously asked me but my mind is as clean as a slate and this makes my cheeks shine an even brighter red. I prepare myself for the insults and obvious disdain at my flaming face. At least, that is what experience has told me by Nicandro’s similar behavior. But he surprises me when he kindly repeats the question. “Marino, the gladiator?”


Since it was a bit long, I skimmed through the rest. I don't have too much time right now sorry.
Overall Comments:

Plot: Love it! It moves along, it's amazing. I love historical fiction so I thought it was very good.

Character: We really need to see more of what her emotions are, what's going on in her mind. It's hard to see who she really is if you don't.

Format: At points, I thought this felt a bit rushed. You do a lot of telling and the runon sentences that you have at point emphasize this. Try to slow down. Show us her surroundings. Show us more of her interactions with other.

Other than that this seems to be a very beautifully written piece. I love how you're able to use the present tense. Few people can use it effectivley and this piece is a great example of how you can use it artfully without confusing your audience. Really, a very good job!
PM me if you have any questions :-)
  





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842 Reviews



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Points: 1075
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Fri Jun 06, 2008 6:32 pm
ashleylee says...



Scasha:

Thanks so MUCH! :D Yeah, I have always struggled with showing emotions. I will try harder with that. Also, I will make all the corrections you have suggested as soon as I can!

Thanks again! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 14170
Reviews: 571
Sat Jun 07, 2008 8:35 am
Esmé says...



Ashley - after some delay, but I’m here. T’would be impossible for me to stay away any longer, heh.


Quote:
Lyra helps me dress, as usual. Today, I wear more finery.

Perhaps consider: “today, I am to wear more finery”. “Kyra helps me dress” - and so Lyra is doing that now (just to explain my nitpickiness, heh).


Quote:
Today, I wear more finery. An embroidered tunic of a pale violet with flower designs garnishing the hem.

The second sentence cannot stand on its own. Consider making it lean on the one before?


Quote:
My sandals are bejeweled and painted silver. My belt is heavy and made of silver.

Repetition of “silver” does stand out, and can be remedied by gentle rephrasing.


Quote:
“Not really,” I answer truthfully and I fear I have said the wrong thing by her expression.

After “and” - awkward. Consider deleting “and” and putting “but” (the above is not exactly a contrast, but an “and” simply does not do it justice), and the continue with the rephrased version.


Quote:
“Are you talking of Caradoc?” I ask as she weaves silver wire into my hair,

A lot of “hair, hair, hair” - I like the description of what Lyra is doing with it, but consider using substitutes for that word.


Quote:
“Your father knows nothing of power,” Lyra observes and I can’t help but agree.

Lyra, a servant and/or slave, would know that? Should she? If yes, then more signs of that should be scattered throughout the previous installments, perhaps.


Quote:
“True, but do they have to be so smug about their power?

“their power, their power” - you are juggling with the term, but to me it means nothing. Advice as above.


Quote:
I wonder with a twisted smile. Lyra doesn’t bother to answer me and I smile.

?


Quote:
“Don’t worry. I will.” I promise

A comma before the ending quoted, yet then we’d have two “I” so close by each other… consider rephrasing that a bit?


Quote:
I fear he will unravel his tunic as he tugs anxiously at it.

“as” does not work too well.


Quote:
Nicandro smirks at my astonished expression but I ignore this as we make our way to the box Caradoc owns, along with all the other government members.

Comma before “but”?


Quote:
I see that Octavio has already arrived as we weave our way amongst the crowded rows

Switch places part-wise.


Quote:
He sits between her and Octavio, leaving me to sit at the end of the row with my father with an empty seat to my left.

“sit” again - that can be avoided. “with my father with an empty seat to my left.” - awkward.


Quote:
But, too much is happening to care of Nicandro’s abandonment.

That sentence just floats around in midair. Make it go down to earth.


Quote:
I peer out at the sand again and feel my own anxiety mount with each passing moment.

Make it more of a contrast to the emperor’s behavior - because a contrast it is, no?


Quote:
And I can see why, for he is beyond anything human.

“for, “for” - used in last sentence.


Quote:
I blush crimson when see that he is smiling pointedly at me and know I have been caught staring.

“I blush in crimson when see” - ? Also, consider deleting and a placing a semicolon there.


Quote:
I try to remember what he previously asked me but my mind is as clean as a slate and this makes my cheeks shine an even brighter red.

Comma before “but”, and before “and”


Quote:
I prepare myself for the insults and obvious disdain at my flaming face. At least, that is what experience has told me by Nicandro’s similar behavior.

Merge? (though yes, I sometimes get carried away with my long-ish sentences, heh)


Quote:
I look again to the muscled man flexing his muscles and my nerves spark at his actions before shaking my head.

Muscled man flexing his muscles?


Quote:
But look how he flexes so flagrantly for those women, who swoon over him as though he is a god.

“flexes” again, and “who swoon over him as though is were a god”


Quote:
I shake my head, dumb-founded.

I’d do it without the hyphen, but it’s preference, no?


Quote:
Greek men are sincere and win the heart of a girl through kindness and love.” I stress the word, throwing it into his face.

What word exactly? The last one? Or perhaps “kindness”, too?


Quote:
Will I always be so softhearted when a handsome man is involved? I silently ask myself.

I don’t like the asking part. If this were third person, then I’d recommend to turn it into italics. With first, it wouldn’t be so easy, though accomplishable. Still, I’d advice to just take out that part, and rephrase if you don’t like it without it.


Quote:
Hello! Who are you?” My father points to Caradoc

Unnatural, the dialogue. Really.


Quote:
Caradoc removes his elbow and answers politely. “Caradoc Laskaris, sir.”

Comma before quotes.


Quote:
Have to visit with all the guests you know, however, I would much rather talk to you.

Unclear sentence alert.


Quote:
And Caradoc looks at me with those piercing blue eyes like ice.

Why “and”?


Quote:
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Father hisses and I break the spell Caradoc has cast.

Isn’t it him breaking the spell, rather?


Quote:
My father squeezes my hand sympathetically and I see that I am the only one horrified, because of the calls for more from the Romans around us.

Awkward, consider rephrasing.


Quote:
The vender fusses over him and apologizes over and over again to me as Caradoc swings a friendly arm across my shoulders.

Awkward, because of “as”. Watch out for that.


Quote:
He accompanies me all the way to my seat before I sum up the courage to ask: “May I be so bold to ask you something?”

Comma instead of a colon would suffice, I think.


Quote:
Caradoc face suddenly holds a very distressed expression, and I immediately regret asking.

Caradoc’s


Quote:
“She left me,” he says simply but I see the anguish behind his clouded eyes, and know there is more to the story

Comma before “but”.


Quote:
But I don’t press further and just nod. “I’m sorry,” I say, and mean it.

“but” is already used in the sentence before.


Quote:
“You Roman men I should say.”

Comma.



Aws. That is the end? Evil you. Onward, then, to impressions.



CAREFUL, CAREFUL…

-> First paragraph. It was a bit of a disappointment, really - “the games” were repeated a lot, and that could have been avoided. Show us more of her tensions, a little excitement, but also give as reasons for that - it’s current form I just don’t like.

-> apostrophes. You really do need to watch out for those - if your going to say that something is someone’s, and a name is before, then add the apostrophe and an “s”. It’s, e.g. Anna’s cat, not Anna cat. Here (My father’s face pales) you have it right, and I’m just rambling about it because it was a big problem in previous installments.

-> Nicandro ripping at tunic. Why nervous? Make the MC speculate a bit, or something.

- Caradoc’s description - experiment. Don’t start everything with pronouns! I know the temptation is big, and that its the easiest route, but don’t you dare succumb when editing. Don’t you dare. I liked his description, it was very vivid etc., but the pronouns really did bother me. Experiment, try different ways of showing.

-> “So” beginning sentences. I don’t like those.

-> the lack of the Father character at times. I seriously thought, through some scenes, that he’s sitting next to her, only to fin out later that he isn’t (and good!). But that ought to be cleaned up. Also, some of his reactions… Perhaps cut him of later, but make hi more realistic. Hmm.

-> her thoughts, or rather, her “direct” thoughts. I did not like them. I just don’t know what to make of them. They’re just awkward, in my opinion, and unnecessary.

-> her reaction at the bloodshed. Make it stronger. That scene was a bit rushed, yet it could have (and will be!) a wonderful one, really. Show us the gore, etc., and her disgust. Make the reader feel it, too.

-> Setting. It’s an amphitheater, and you described it quite nicely, yes. The going-ons I’d like to see expanded, that was already talked of. But the setting itself. I’d like to feel the atmosphere, the excitement of the anonymous mass of Romans, etc.

-> you do talk of differences between the Greek and Roman, yet I feel that is not enough - I’d like to see more of this (this refers to everything in general). I mean, I don’t really think it lacks anything as such, but that it would be a good addition.



WONDERFUL:

-> Caradoc. Love him - very nice addition.

-> Yes, punctuation was much, much better, and so dialogues were easier and much more enjoyable to read. *is proud : )

-> Hair description at the very beginning was very much appreciated - I’d like to see more of such details.

-> Pff, everything that isn’t in the “Careful, Careful” section - I really liked this chapter.



CHARACTERS:

-> Caradoc. I’ll start with him, since he is the newest, and as such most of the reader’s attention goes to him. I absolutely adored his description (or shall, when the pronoun issue will be taken care of). I like the difference between him and Nicandro, yet feel that it should be even more emphasized (in behavior, manner of speaking).

I liked his dialogue, his question and replies, but I’d like to see more of his body reactions. Facial expression and generally body language should be added in tags.

-> Amycus. His character is starting to irritate me - I do not know what to make of him, and that is bad and not very positive. I really think he should be more defined… overprotective, or no? A tad bit scared for his daughter? It looks like he cared for her, etc., but those are just thoughts, not based on any proof. That should be taken care of. Isasora with Nicandro, Isadora with Caradoc - what does he think of that? He takes her explanations for granted, and I don’t like that. It just doesn’t seem to match it. All scenes with him are rushed, as if there were more important things to be told (and probably yes, there are, but this cannot be left out). Also, do not forget about his sickness - that I’d like see, as much as proper reactions, to both his daughter and e.g. the games? The reader does not see that, and he (she) should.


-> Delicia. She’s just… there. If she were cold to the MC, then somehow everything’d be fine, but since she’s not… define her more.

-> Isadora. As was said, I’d like to see more of her reactions concerning the concept of the “games”, both before and after she knows what they are - that, I feel, is important. Other than that, she was fine.

-> Nicandro’s role is minimal, which is fine. His nervousness, though - I’d like to see reasons, perhaps the MC’s speculations, thoughts on the subject.

-> the Emperor. Yes, yes, just spoken of once, yet… Perhaps not here is the place, I admit, but Isa’s thoughts concerning him? (Yes, yes, that later, but one or two lines would really do - speculations as to why he seems as he seems?)



Conclusions: Wonderful chapter, the ending really did come as a jolt, and I’m sorry it came so soon. However, as there was no mention whatsoever of Octavio, etc., I’m assuming the next chapter’s setting will also be the games? If not then I’ll rant in the next installment : )


Cheers,
Esme
  





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Sat Jun 07, 2008 5:08 pm
ashleylee says...



Esme:

Girl, you give such good reviews! :D

I'm so glad that you are so dedicated to these stories because I don't know what I would do without you reading them!

Thank you so much!

Umm, the next installment will be out soon and I'll PM you when I get it out!
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  





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Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:58 pm
Merry_Haven says...



Ashley-
I am proud of you. You're punctuation was done very well.
When I read about Caradoc, he seemed like a god, like Isadora mentioned.
Sorry, if I can't think of a helpful review besides amazing and wonderful!
off to chapter seven...
-Merry
  





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Sat Aug 23, 2008 1:24 am
ashleylee says...



Merry_Haven:

Thanks! I worked very hard on my puncation since I seem to struggle with it. I'm glad it paid off! :D

Yeah, Caradoc is kind of like a god. He's like this attractive, seemingly perfect person. I'm glad that came across in the writing because that's what I wanted people to see.

Thanks again and I'm glad you like it! :D
"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love—and to put his trust in life."
~ Joseph Conrad


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life."
~ Red Auerbach
  








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