Young Writers Society

ashleylee wrote:I'm sorry my descriptions irritated you. I just have a habit of OVER describing things.

Don't change it just because of me! Just the character descriptions - those weren't good. But the rest is your style, and some love that.

Whatever you want.

~JFW1415

JFW1415:

I know but others have told me before that I OVER do it sometimes. Which is correct. I do!

But I just love describing things! lol

I just want to let you know that I will be making the corrections as soon as I can!

Promise!

At last, I read it!
One word: wow.
To be honest, that was the only word which I could use to sum it up. I don't tend to remain interested with long chapters and sections, but this enthralled me and grabbed my attention from beginning to end. Your use of complicated (although sometimes unneeded) vocabulary really fits in with the style of the writing, and the reader can establish a few main themes in tyhe opening chapter: sculpture (linking with Micelangelo) and nature.
However, just a couple of small 'errors':

'I wonder how my father is fairing with Evander' ~ should be 'faring'.
And also, when describing the food, you use 'scrumptious' twice, which doesn't really fit with the rest of the formal vocab, maybe use 'decadent' or 'sumptuous' instead.
And one final thing, is that Nicandro is revealed as a mysterious character, and my only criticism would is that maybe we are exposed to him a little too much in an opening chapter? Maybe revealing his character more subtlely would make him more mysterious and thus more desireable.
Anyway, I'll take a look at the other chapters at a different time, as this took ages,
Keep it going, has the makings for a very interesting story.
~Sday

Sday1607:

Thank you so much for reviewing!

But at least I warned you before that it was long! Ha ha.

I know. Nicandro's character is so hard to keep consistant with. I will definetly work harder on him.

Well, I hope you like the other installments!

~ashley

I only got half-way through this, but I do agree separating chapters is so annoying, well anyways your imagery is amazing, and your figurative language is totally exceptional. The way you described some of the characters made me feel like I know what they look like. This is like the second historical fiction story I've read and I hope I can finish it.
Sometime this week I'll be back,
keep writing,
Angel

Angel:

I'm glad you like it!

I know it's SUPER long so I totally understand that you couldn't read all of it!

Thank you so much for the encouraging review!

*beams*

It makes me smile!

I finished chapter 1 and I loved it. You are an amazing writer, and if I said this before then I'm not sorry, because its soo true. Nicandro! I love him! His character is funny but yet there's just something about him that makes me want to know more. This will make a great book one day. I haven't read the other chapters but the way you wrote this chapter its as if we're back in ancient Rome. You held my attention beginning to end and that's what a brilliant story does.
I didn't see any grammatical errors
So all in all
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel

Angel:

Wow!!!

Thank you SO much!

That was really sweet of you!

I'm glad you liked it so much!

Hey, ashley!

Oh, dear. I kind of adore this story--the way you told it was really beautiful. It feels sensual, something that kind of befits talking about the Romans in all their excess. It was perfectly suited to the characters, too, even smart-alec Nicandro. ^_~

TALKING THE TALK

It's hard to write in first person with historical fiction, just because there are a lot of things to remember all at once. When you're describing things, you have to remember what your character's frame of reference is. If it's two thousand years ago, you have to connect objects with things that they would have known about at the time. There were a few odd references that I caught while reading through--the one that would stick out to most people was "amoeba", which the Romans had no concept of.

On the flip side, I thought it was cool how you denoted Latin as "harsh". Greek has a lot of clicky sounds in it, but also a lot of softer vowels at the end of words, so it would definitely have been a shock to ear Latin.

THIS IS SPARTA

I really liked how you portrayed the extravagance of the Romans--next time your mother tells you at the dinner table about the starving children in Africa, you can rebut with the Romans and their vomitoriums. However, besides the few flashbacks, we really don't know how Isadora's world compares with Rome. We hear that she thinks things are "too much", but we don't know why. You did well with the statues--the nudity creeps her out. What about the food, bedding, slaves, etc.? What does she think about everything else, and why?

__

I adore this story. ^_^ Please PM me if you have any questions--I'll try to get to the next few chapters as soon as I can.

Sam:

Thanks so much!

I have really strugged with the emotional aspect of the story, and your review really cleared things up for me!

Thank you again!

Ashley-
Sorry I've hadn't the time to read this, but I regret I hadn't read it sooner. Because this first chapter had definitely gotten me hooked by the first paragraph.
I noticed that this chapter one was long but I enjoyed it very much. The clothes descriptions of the togas and robes, buildings and the area of Rome was just amazing. I never knew you knew so much of Rome, or maybe it was from school books?
The way that you described the exotic fruits, characters, the household,etc. feels like your actually there. And I also loved the flower garden, and the different shapes and sizes. Colors, and designs, and varieties.
I have to ask...what's with Nicandro? Is there something wrong with him and his mother? It's like they have no emotion.
Knowing this is set in the past, I can take a guess and say it's in the ancient era. Or am I wrong?
So Ashley, this was very well written and I look forward to reading chapter 2.
-Merry
~off to chapter two...~

Merry_Haven:

Yes, it is ancient Rome.

hehe I laughed at your first part of review because I actually don't know that much about Rome...I kinda just made it up as I went. I know that sounds bad and I did do A LOT of research before and during writing, but I did to a lot of it by just my imagination. So hopefully it doesn't sound too...fake?

Well, thanks for reading and I'm glad you liked it so much!