Young Writers Society

He looked down as the chopper lifted off the pad to see the word Goodbye spelled out in stones, "Goodbye Beej!" he said to himself, as he left what now remained of the 4077th. He couldn't help but feel an emptiness. His heart felt ill and he knew exactly why. He just couldn't let her go.

"So where you off to Captain?" asked the pilot.

"Kimpo... no, not Kimpo, I need to make a stop at the 8063rd M*A*S*H, there is something I need to take care of there." said a confident Ben "Hawkeye" Pierce.

I can't believe what I'm going to do, she 's the only woman in my life who has managed to take my heart from medicine. I couldn't love Carlye enough because I loved medicine more, but now I know I can give my heart away because she stole it away the first time I laid eyes on her. Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan managed to steal my heart. Oh god what if she says no, what am I going to do?

"Captain? Captain? "

"Yea?"

"We're here."

"Stay here I'll be back soon."

I've got to find her , hopefully I 'll run into a familiar face or someone who knows her,. he thought.

"Kellye! Oh thank god I found you, where's Major Houlihan?"

"She is settling in her new tent."

"Where is that?"

"Right over there" as she points to the tent to her left.

"Thanks."

I walked to the tent that had that oh to familiar sign on it "Major M. Houlihan, Knock Before Entering," so I knocked.

"Come in!"

"Margaret! Margaret! thank god I found you, I thought I 'd lost you forever."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm taking you with me back to Crabapple Cove."

"Oh, Hawkeye!" she knew exactly what he was doing, something she waited for for a long long time.

"I'm taking you with me to Maine, to Crabapple Cove! I love you Margaret and I can't bare another moment without you by my side, marry me and make me the happiest man alive! what do you say?"

"Yes, oh, Yes Hawkeye yes yes I will!"

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This is chapter one! Please be honest with your reviews and whatnot!

Well, the plot seems interesting. However, there is way too much dialogue and not nearly enough description. I know this is only the first chapter, but you need to let us know more about your characters. This is the 50s but those names are a little too unique to seem real.

booklover wrote:Well, the plot seems interesting. However, there is way too much dialogue and not nearly enough description. I know this is only the first chapter, but you need to let us know more about your characters. This is the 50s but those names are a little too unique to seem real.

Well, it's kinda intended for people who watched MASH in the 70s. It's AfterMASH. I think I should've put Benjamin first, as the name... I'll do that now!

Sorice007 wrote:I looked down as the chopper lifted off the pad to see the word Goodbye spelled out in stones, "Goodbye Beej!" I said to myself, as we were leaving what now remained of the 4077th, I couldn't help but feel an emptiness . My heart felt ill and I knew exactly why, I just couldn't let her go.

"So where you off to Captain?" asked the pilot.

"Kimpo... no, not Kimpo, I need to make a stop at the 8063rd M*A*S*H, there is something I need to take care of there." said a confident Hawkeye Pierce.

I can't believe what I'm going to do, she 's the only woman in my life who has managed to take my heart from medicine. I couldn't love Carlye enough because I loved medicine more, but now I know I can give my heart away because she stole it away the first time I laid eyes on her. Major Margaret "Hot Lips" Houlihan managed to steal my heart. Oh god what if she says no, what am I going to do?

"Captain? Captain? "

"Yea?"

"We're here."

"Stay here I'll be back soon."

"I've got to find her , hopefully I 'll run into a familiar face or someone who knows her,." he thought. (you dont need the quotes)

"Kellye! Oh thank god I found you, where's Major Houlihan?"

"She is settling in her new tent."

"Where is that?"

"Right over there" as she points to the tent to her left.

"Thanks."

I walked to the tent that had that oh to familiar sign on it "Major M. Houlihan, Knock Before Entering," so I knocked. (he knocked on a tent door??)

"Come in!"

"Margaret! Margaret! thank god I found you, I thought I 'd lost you forever."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm taking you with me back to Crabapple Cove."

"Oh, Hawkeye!" she knew exactly what he was doing (comma) something she waited for for a long long time.

"I'm taking you with me to Maine, to Crabapple Cove, I love you Margaret and I can't bare another moment without you by my side, marry me and make me the happiest man alive, what do you say?" (you may want some periods instead of commas there)

"Yes, oh, Yes Hawkeye yes yes I will!"

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This is chapter one! Please be honest with your reviews and whatnot!

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and you told me i had personal issues with my work to figure out. anyway, the begining needs a few more "i said" "he said" stuff. also, you need to add a bit more story at the beginging, such as the way there, or just add a break-line

Stuffs has been edited!