Young Writers Society

This is for the Some Kind of Character contest. I'm sure I'll end up doing something wrong with the entry, but I hope the story is satisfactory. I'm kind of worried about this part because I'm kind of setting things up here and I'm not so sure if it's character-related enough.

EDIT: I fixed up a lot of things and took Stella's suggestions. I personally think it's a bit better, but you can be the judge of that.
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Word 057: Leaf
Tilly- 1947

Tilly Parson was the girl that every boy in North Carolina wanted to have for his own. She was young and boundless in beauty with her glossy blonde curls, large plum-shaped lips dusted with a coating of bright crimson lipstick and her vivacious teal eyes. She was perfect.
She was at a local dance and she was the life of the party, as usual. “Would you like to dance, Tilly?” said one boy just as she walked in.
She gave him her wide, sparkling smile. “Of course, Robert!”
A few minutes through the song, most people had stopped dancing to watch the two do the Lindy Hop skillfully. Tilly’s cheeks were rosy with the exertion and her hearty laugh rang around the room and her feet moved rhythmically around the dance floor.
After several dancing with the young men lucky enough to get to her first, Tilly snuck out of the room. The smile slid instantly from her face as she jogged outside. It was chilly and she had left her coat inside. The cool air breathed on her flushed cheeks and as it blew past her, it carried all the cheeriness the dancing and fun had brought along with it.
Tilly seemed like the perfect girl.
But she wasn’t.
Tilly loved fire. She loved that heat that ricocheted off onto her skin and seeped into her bones. It made her feel warm when she felt so cold inside. It could dance far better than any boy. The fire understood her and did whatever it was told. It was her companion when things got unbearable.
Tilly felt frozen inside, and it wasn’t uncommon. She jogged until she was far enough away from people lingering outside and hidden in between trees. She made a small fire out of twigs and grabbed a few leaves from the branches clawing at her hair and dress. She held them over the playful flames and the black slowly eat away at the leaf. It gave her an odd sense of satisfaction watching this happen. Sometimes, the flames would lap her fingers and it hurt, but Tilly knew that the fire meant no harm to her.
The fire was her mother.

Hey Bittersweet! Stella here, and I'm in the contest too, so I probably shouldn't be helping you... But I am.

Okay so... Here we go.

I. NITPICKS

She was perfect in every way.

I know you're building up, but seriously, how much of a Mary-Sue can you get?

She helped at the nearby nursing home for no money

Darling? This is just a bit too perfect.

She loved that heat that ricocheted off onto her skin and seeped into her bones.

Nice description. Were you around for the fire contest a few months back?

It was her constant companion.

But fire isn't constant. Fire goes out.

it wouldn’t escape

What wouldn't escape? Sentence needs rephrasing.

The fire was her mother.

At first, I thought you meant she set her mother on fire. So where's her real mother?

Okay. Now, I only have two specifics.

II. SHOW AND TELL

The old YWS pet peeve. Show us how Tilly looks, don't tell us she's blonde and Aryan. Show us that people want her.

In truth, I think that the whole piece would be better as a moment because of this problem. You could show us an example of Tilly leaving a dance hall, or coming home, then sneaking out and setting things on fire. It's just a thought.

III. CHARACTERISATION

What? It's a character contest.

I know that you've admitted this needs work, which is good. So use it. Build on Tilly. Right now, I think that you're only introducing her to yourself. This is what I did with my character for the contest, as weird as it sounds. I made a table of her likes, dislikes, fears, abilities and wants. All the little specifics that make up a person. Does Tilly favour a certain perfume? Does she like to dress up for an evening out? Does she love to make people laugh? Make her a real person.

IV. OVERALL

Overall, I think you have a great idea, and a good character here. Fill them out. Your descriptions were lovely, keep them up. I liked it

Hope I've helped!

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella x

Hi! Well, I really enjoyed this. I agree with Stella that this could be beefed up with showing-not-telling, but you've got a strong foundation for your character, so that shouldn't be a problem.
As for the character herself... very intriguing. You give good descriptions, but the wording is a little awkward. Maybe you've got some grammar stuff going on in paragraph one? Anyway, Tilly's outer description is well-developed, but I'd like a little more of her mind and emotions. Is she smart? What are her motives for helping at the nursing home? Does she really enjoy it, or is it more of an obligation? Also, I'd like to know how she feels about the boys that are drooling over her. If she likes one of them, maybe bring that element in.
I loved the fire part. That's REALLY intriguing. And I totally understood when you said "the fire was her mother", like she looked to it for nurturing. I thought that was a very good line. Nobody really writes about pyromaniacs, at least not that I've seen.
Overall, great job. If you ever take this character further, PM me, and I'd be glad to read it.

Since the other two have basically covered everything, I'm just going to skip over the preliminaries and give you my overall opinion:

It was a good beginning. I thought it delved into the dance too suddenly, and that you should - I never say this - drag out the first paragraph a bit? Tell us more about the MC, the setting, everything. And take in stock what the others said, about the showing-not-telling. You do have a tendency to do that.

The ending was good, too. Intriguing, and makes the reader curious to know all the asnwers to the unspoken questions.

The piece is a little short for my taste, but I suppose I shouldn't be talking, since my writing is often short, too.

Keep up the good work,

KJ

This plot is thrilling. I can't wait for the next chapter! Your character description is very good, but[vivacious teal eyes] sounds a little odd. Most people will never see teal eyes. I have never even heard of teal eyes. Choose a color that is actually an eye color. The ending was thrilling, adding mystery.

This plot is thrilling. I can't wait for the next chapter! Your character description is very good, but[vivacious teal eyes] sounds a little odd. Most people will never see teal eyes. I have never even heard of teal eyes. Choose a color that is actually an eye color. The ending was thrilling, adding mystery