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Young Writers Society


The Arms Dealer, Part One of MANY



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Tue Apr 08, 2008 1:12 am
zoeybird13024 says...



I pretty much wrote this on a whim, so it may not be exactly word-for-word historically correct. My friend critiqued it, but that was literally pages ago--these are pages one through three of over forty pages!






I’ve always been terrible at telling people how I feel. I’m a shy, often times peculiar, young man. I’ve been told by my father that I’ll never marry. He tells me that my mother would say the same thing if she were alive, but she died of influenza when I was but a toddler.

I’ve been told by countless young women that I’m attractive but once I start stuttering, they turn away. Thus, here I am in Missouri, literally in the middle of the war.

Union from here on up, Confederate from here on down. Me? I’m a Yankee, as the Rebs would say. Fighting against slavery and everything the South has built up, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I’m not in the war myself, though. Another odd thing about me: for most of my childhood, I was a frail and sickly boy…yet another reason why I’ll apparently never marry. I’m a talented lawyer, but I suppose that doesn’t count. Graduating from Harvard is nothing if you can’t talk like some Southern hick, dazzling Southern Belles. I think I’m the only Yankee boy not swooning over the young, widowed Southern girls.

I rolled my eyes at the thought. Me? Swooning over some girl? Ha! I barely noticed attractive women! I was too busy with my clients, I suppose.

“You lost, young man?”

I turned suddenly, seeing a tall, older man staring right at me. He reminded me of my father; gray hair, green eyes—he would actually speak to me, though.

“Yes, a little lost, sir. I’m from New York, you see. I’m not familiar with everything here yet…”

”Ah, just moved? Joining the army?”

I laughed, but the old man didn’t see the joke.

“I’m not very strong. I’d barely qualify as a drummer boy, sir, but thank you,”

“You look decent enough,” The man argued.

I shrugged.

“Thank you. Um, sir,”

”Yes, my boy?”

“What’re all those people crowding around?”

I pointed to a little shop not too far away with a line of people out of the door. Everyone was crowding around it…but what was it? I squinted, but I still couldn’t see anything.

The old man chuckled.

“Ah, that’s the Arms Dealer,”

“Arms Dealer?” I inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“He can sell arms right there in that little shop to all those people? Legally?”

The man exploded into peels of laughter. I didn’t get it—was selling arms in a shop like that to the public during a civil war legal in Missouri?

“He doesn’t sell guns, boy! He sells weapons in the form of words,”

”Excuse me?” I laughed, utterly confused.

“Songs, poems; you name it, he’ll write it for you. He’s especially popular with the ladies. He writes poems and songs for their lovers. You tell him about the girl you like, and he’ll write wonderful things for you,”

I nodded my head in understanding. Oh, he was an author!

“Say, you have a girl back east in New York?”

I laughed. Again, he was confused.

“I stutter and I have problems confessing how I feel. They’d run to a Reb before they ran to me,” I laughed.

The man chuckled.

“What’s your name, boy?” he asked.

“Ishmael Goldman, sir. I’m a lawyer. Yourself?”

I held out my hand and the old man and I shook hands. I supposed that he was measuring how strong my handshake was, based on the expression on his face. He seemed pleased to my surprise.

“Nathan Hawk. I’m a doctor. You need a place to stay?”

My face lit up. I nodded and took out a pen and a piece of paper.

“Yes, sir, I do! But I think I want to talk to that Arms Dealer first. Can you write down the address and I’ll come later?”

Mr. Hawk nodded and wrote down the address. I shoved the paper into my breast pocket and ran over to the little shop.

“You new in town?” The last man in line asked.

I nodded.

“Ah, where you from?”

”New York. I have a law firm up there,”

”Oh, that’s nice! You must be smart,”

I laughed, nodding.

“Yes, and a good liar,” I admitted.

The man laughed, patting me on the back.

“Good for you, then, huh? You know, this Arms Dealer…he’s quite a funny man,”

“Funny? Wouldn’t he have to be fairly serious to write love songs?”

The man shrugged.

“Well, he’s pretty sarcastic. He has charisma, though. He’s mysterious, too. No one knows his name!”

”Really?” I inquired.

“Yeah, it’s true! And no one recognizes him. They say he lives out of town, and he has to for no one here to know his name or face. If you ask, he just smiles.”

Hmm…there was more to this Arms Dealer than met the eye. Well…I didn’t know what the man looked like yet, but there was more to him than people knew. Hadn’t anyone thought about those facts? If no one knew his name or face, couldn’t he be potentially dangerous? After all, he referred to himself as an “Arms Dealer”…

“It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. I bought her a ring and I’m going to give her one of his poems,”

The man blushed, putting his hands in his pocket.

I nodded, smiling.

“That sounds nice! Are you coming to pick it up?”

The man nodded.

“Yes! You give him the information a week or so in advance and he’ll have it for you.”

“Like a florist?”

The man nodded again.

Pretty soon, the line dwindled and we were inside instead of standing outdoors. Quite a few people let me go on ahead, seeing that I was new in town and curious about this Arms Dealer. Just talking to people in the line, I discovered quite a bit about this young man.

They said he looked like an angel; his skin was fair, his eyes a pale blue and his hair a pale blonde. He was very polite and talked as though he was very educated; some thought he might’ve been French or Danish, but he had no accent to prove it. I couldn’t see or hear him myself—there were people in front of me blocking my view and it was so loud I could barely hear the person in front of me.

Finally, it was my turn. They were right about his hair and skin color; his hair was a very pale honey blonde and his skin was fair.

“Your name?”

I didn’t know he’d spoken to me until I heard the two young women behind me giggling.

He was seated on an oak bench with an oak desk, scrawling in a black leather memoir book. When I didn’t say anything, too stunned to move, he looked up at me. His eyes were pale blue and he wore gold-rimmed glasses that were slipping off his nose.

”Hello? Cat got your tongue?” he hissed, sliding his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose.

His voice was…I hated to admit it, but his voice was lovely. It sounded as though his words were made of silk.

“Ishmael Goldman,” I stuttered, embarrassed.

“A Jew?” he inquired, raising his eyes to look at me.

I nodded. Didn’t he see the dark, curly hair, green eyes, and olive skin? Well, I suppose that was a stereotype; my sister was just as blonde and fair as him!

“Yes, sir. Something similar between us?”

The edge of his mouth raised slightly in a smile.

“No…I can only wish,”

I didn’t understand what he meant. How could he wish to be a Jew? My family had fled Germany because of all the terrible laws against us. Did he want to be persecuted?

“So, what do you need?”

”I’m new in town, and everyone seemed to like you, so…”

”Ah, they directed you to me. My personal executioners,” he laughed.

“Yes, they did. I’ve heard rumors…”

”Hmm. Tell me,” he purred, his blue eyes challenging me with a flicker of annoyance.

He didn’t seem too interested, but I decided to babble on, anyway.
“Well, I’ve heard that you’re European, live out of town, are well educated, you have charisma, and no one knows your name,”

“I’m not European, I live here, I’m well educated, I do have charisma, and people do know my name,”

He looked up at me and barely smiled once more.

“Anything else?”

“I...er…well…”

”Time is money!” he chuckled, winking.

“Oh, sorry! I was thinking! Well, it was nice to meet you,”

He nodded and we shook hands. I noticed a scar on his wrist as we shook hands—I hadn’t noticed it before because his sleeve was covering it. As soon as he saw me looking at it, he snatched his hand back and slid it into his pocket.

“Have a nice day, Ishmael.”

“See you around town!” I called.

He snickered under his breath and murmured,
“Good luck with that,”

I turned to look back at him, but it was too late; someone was at the table in front of him and to the side of him. I couldn’t see him and he couldn’t see me.
  





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Tue Apr 08, 2008 2:27 am
Azila says...



Hello! You new to the YWS? I haven't seen you around... I'm Azila--or Zills, or Zilly. :D

Onto the critique...


-Nitpicks-
“Yes, a little lost, sir. I’m from New York, you see. I’m not familiar with everything here yet…”
But Harvard is in Massachusetts, and that's where you said he was coming from. :?

“You look decent enough,” The man argued.
"The" should be lowercase.

“Arms Dealer?” I inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“He can sell arms right there in that little shop to all those people? Legally?”
These should be on the same line... it's a nitpick, I know, but I thought I'd point it out anyway.

I didn’t get it—was selling arms in a shop like that to the public during a civil war legal in Missouri?
This is awkward... maybe try saying "I didn’t get it—was selling arms to the public legal in Missouri during a civil war?"

He seemed pleased to my surprise.
There should be a comma or dash after "pleased"

I shoved the paper into my breast pocket and ran over to the little shop.
Without saying thank you? Tsk tsk.

“You new in town?” The last man in line asked.
"The" should be lowercase.

Hmm…there was more to this Arms Dealer than met the eye. Well…I didn’t know what the man looked like yet, but there was more to him than people knew.
These two sentences are a bit repetitive. I suggest you delete the first one. :wink:

The man blushed, putting his hands in his pocket.
"Pockets," no? :P

Well, I suppose that was a stereotype; my sister was just as blonde and fair as him!
The exclamation point here should be deleted, in my opinion. It isn't needed and thus takes away from the sentence's strength.

“I’m not European, I live here, I’m well educated, I do have charisma, and people do know my name,”
They do? *confused*

He nodded and we shook hands. I noticed a scar on his wrist as we shook hands—I hadn’t noticed it before because his sleeve was covering it.
I don't like the repetition here. :?
-------------------

-Overall-

One little flaw is that you say that he is both from Harvard and New York. Harvard is in Cambridge, Massachusetts, not New York. ^_~

Also, I would like to see more showing and less telling. The whole first four paragraphs are telling us about his characters--why not show us about him? Show us that he's shy, awkward, and has a stutter? This goes for a lot of the other characters as well, which brings me to another point I would like to make...

Character personalities! It seems to me that you're making a very common mistake: you have the main characters' personalities planned out well, but the little, unimportant characters are just people who are there on the sidelines to give information. Take the old man, and the man in line: they both seem like they have the same personality! They're both overly-friendly and helpful. I guess that's how people are in Missouri (I was only there for a week, and people aren't that warm here in New England) but would they really tap a stranger on the shoulder, and offer him a place to stay for the night?

Also...
I think I’m the only Yankee boy not swooning over the young, widowed Southern girls.

I rolled my eyes at the thought. Me? Swooning over some girl? Ha! I barely noticed attractive women! I was too busy with my clients, I suppose.
This is a tense-change. The first part is in present, and the second is in past. I understand that maybe you were doing it intentionally, but I think it would be better without it. :wink:

Also, I would like to see some more description because I don't know anything about the square, the weather, the Arms Dealer's shop... you don't have to overdo it, but I would like to know more about the smells, feels, and sounds--and the sights, of course. :lol:

I am very intrigued by the Arms Dealer! I love how you use words like "hiss" and "purr" that show us that he's catlike--that's some effective showing rather than telling, for you! :D

Tell me when you post more! :wink:

I hope this helps. If I was unclear about anything, or you have questions/comments, feel free to PM me!
~Azila~
  





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Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:18 pm
zoeybird13024 says...



No, no, you were actually very clear! Thank you! I'm not surprised (or upset) that I received so much criticism for this particular part of The Arms Dealer, just because of the simple fact that I wrote the part you just read in five minutes. It's 40 pages long at the moment, and I haven't had enough time to read through it, but when I get home I will take your advice and change all of these things.

Yes, I was considering writing even more in the very beginning of the story. I worried when I first wrote this story that I wouldn't put my heart and soul into Johann and Ishmael like I had my characters in my other story. But, thanks to you, I know exactly how to change them. I see now that Ishmael wasn't nearly as prominent a character as I wished, so I'll have to work on him.

Haha, actually, we're pretty rude here in Missouri. Well, in most of the parts of Missouri I've been in. I guess I DID rush when it came to Dr. Hawk--I was worrying about where Ishmael would stay when I actually thought it through, created Dr. Hawk, and went on my merry way. But now I'll have to change that. And I suppose that I should change that man in line to a character that actually appears frequently in the story, like Percival, instead of having a useless character that only appears once. Would that be better?

Yes, I'll definately post more of The Arms Dealer! You'll be the first person to know! I'll make sure I save what you wrote about this first part on my computer so that I can change what I need to! Thank you again!
  





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Fri Apr 11, 2008 11:24 pm
Sam says...



Hey, zoey!

I've been wanting to sit down and read this for ages. ^_^ Ishmael seems like a really cute character; I'm excited to see where you go with him.

There are a few things to discuss, however...let's get started, shall we?

HOLY PACING, BATMAN!

The problem with having super-awesome characters is that you'll want to rush to introduce them. You can see them on the horizon, so you just run a little faster so that we get to meet them. Though this might make for a happy writer, it probably won't make for a happy reader. Why? We haven't quite acclimated to the first character you introduced, and it all feels very rushed.

This is the way I felt about the Arms Dealer. He was an object of mystery--a conflict, actually--for all of about five seconds, and then we met him. Fabulous though he is, it was too soon. I barely got to meet Ishmael before I was thrust in the wake of a new person to keep track of.

There are a few ways you can keep your pacing for a solving-a-human-enigma kind of plot:


- Put conflict in the way of their first meeting. What obstacles must Ishmael overcome?

- Make the rumors run wild. A "She said WHAT?" would be apropos for this particular character--when Ishmael finally meets him, and learns he isn't a fire-breathing monster, the contrast will be interesting.

- Make their intentions unknown. If we don't know everything about this guy, that's more than all right. In fact, it's preferred.

THE EXTRAS

As Azila mentioned, it's important to make sure that every character in your cast shines, even those with walk-on roles. Why? They add a certain depth to your story that most people don't bother to put in. When you have that depth, it makes your main characters--and the world you've set up for them--even more interesting.

You don't have to know everything about these guys, but at least know a few interesting quirks.

Speaking of quirks--one thing I noticed was that Ishmael said that he stutters, and yet he doesn't do that in dialogue at all. It's hard to do, but if you can manage to slip some of that into his speech, it would make his plight all the more realistic.

___

Thanks for the read, zoey! PM me if you have any questions or when you post more. ^_^
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Mon Apr 14, 2008 7:13 pm
zoeybird13024 says...



Thank you, both of you!!! And...

I revised it. Completely. Well, not ALL 40 pages of it, but just the first three you two read. Everyone that read it kept complaining about Ishmael not stuttering, so I made sure to change that. And I changed how he met Dr. Hawk...and how he first learned about the Arms Dealer in the first place. I think it'll make MUCH more sense to both of you once you read the entire thing.

Another friend mentioned the pacing--thank you for mentioning it again! I'd almost completely forgotten about it! I'm trying my best to space everything out. It'll take longer for Ishmael to actually find out who the Arms Dealer really is (next few pages--you guys aren't that far!). And (you also haven't gotten this far) Ishmael has a relationship later on in the story and that was much too rushed.

I'll post the revised first three pages on here as soon as I get it done!!! Thank you again, both of you!
  








When a good man is hurt, all who would be called good must suffer with him.
— Euripides