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Young Writers Society


Ocean´s Jewel Part 1



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Tue Feb 26, 2008 3:59 am
Kathy_7_Kathy says...



This is my first post, I hope you like it :)

The streets of Paris were terrible, the sand flying arround entered me in the eyes and I couldn’t see very much. The angry wind was destroying everything, there were jackets, hats and even doors flying around, it was almost impossible to walk, I thought that was the last day of my life, the Armageddon.

I could realize that a terrible storm was about to come, and the persons were running away and hiding in their houses, scared, the women were shouting, the children were crying and running, looking for their moms.

The only one fighting against the evil wind was me. I was carrying a very heavy little box, with somethig inside, but I did'n know what.

I am not a very little person, so I could walk even though the wind was trying to push me to the floor.

I was going to Mr. Toppertt's mansion, were I work, and when I say work I mean serve. I am a servant. It's strange, I know, because I am a woman, a 16-year-old servant, but that´s my life, And I am very grateful, because Mr. Toppertt is very kind to us, he treated us very good, we have our own bedrooms, cloth, a many other things. *Us* is not me and my father, there is more people working to Mr. Toppertt, I am the youngest, that’s why I went to look for the box.

My father, John Hadcasstle was an English man, and in homeless situations he became a slave in Portugal, then in Spain, and lastly in France, with James Toppertt. He once told me that he didn’t wanted this life for me, and that I was not going to suffer like him, that he was going to do something, but he died four months ago, because he had a terrible illness. It was terrible, specially for me.

My Mother, Angela Petroll, abandoned me and my father when I was almost a baby, so I grew up without a mother. We find out she was dead, two years ago.

Anyway, that is not important by now, the wind was getting worst and the sky was getting dark, the persons were already in their homes, safe, while I was about to die, I never thought I was going to die so soon, and in such a terrible storm, I was thinking in my father, in the mother I never had, and in that promise, maybe he wanted to take me, to keep his word, at list, dead, I will not serve. But I didn't want to die, I wanted to be free, but alive, maybe I don't deserve it.

When I arrived to the mansion, it was very late and I was exhausted, so when I entered I left the box on the round little table near the door and I went to my room.
I took my dress off, then I put in on a chair and I went to bed, with my eyes closed, waiting for a dream to arrive and take me to the only word were freedom was not a silly and impossible dream.
......................................
When I woke up I stayed at bed, because I knew who was going to come to wake me up, and I wanted to see her as soon as possible.

After a few minutes I hear steps on the wood floor, “Yes!” I whispered with a big smile on my face.

When she was in front of my door the steps stopped for a little time, and I was worrying, but then she knocked at the door and then opened it, a big old woman –not too old- with white hair and a very large smile, entered. Her name was Julianne Shooks -she was french but she had an English surname- and she was the nicest person on earth, she is my *mother*, I simply could not live without her. And of course her husband Jacques Shooks was like her, but, of course, he was a man. I simply adore them.

She was laughing, because she knew my silly plan, and she told me “Wake up, wake up, I have wonderful news”
“What?, I said very curiously.
“Mr. Toppertt was invited to a party, and we are going with him!” she was almost jumping
“And why is it so important? sometimes we go to parties with him” I asked disappointed
“The party is in the Chambord Castle!” she said very happy
“Whose party is it?” I asked instantly
“I Think he is a seaman,"she said seriously "a very young one”.

please tell me any critics!!! thanks for reading it, bye :D
Last edited by Kathy_7_Kathy on Wed Feb 27, 2008 12:16 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:49 pm
Alainna says...



Hi, welcome to YWS.

The streets of Paris were terrible, the sand entered me in the eyes and I couldn’t see very much.

This is awkward and doesn't really make sense. Perhaps try: The streets of Paris were terrible, sand flying everywhere, blurring my vision. Or something like that.

The angry wind was destroing everything, there were jackets, hats and even doors flying around, it was almost impossible to walk, I thought that was the last day of my life, the amaggedon.

Get rid of 'there were' as it slows the sentence down. Try not to have a run on. Full stop after 'everything'. New sentence for 'Jackets'. Change the tense. Spelling of 'destroying'.

I could realize that a terrible storm was about to come, and the persons were runing away and hiding in their houses, scared, the women were shouting, the children were crying and running, looking for their moms.

Try breaking this sentence up to avoid another run on. Change 'could realise' to 'I realised'. 'Persons' to 'People'. Spelling of 'running'.

And I am very grateful, because Mr. Toppertt is very kind to us, he treated us very good, we have our own bedrooms, cloth, a many other things. *Us* is not me and my father, there is more people working to Mr. Toppertt, I am the youngest, that’s why I went to look for the box

Fix your tense, break up the run on and change 'cloth' to 'clothes'.

He once told me that he didn’t wanted this life for me, and that I was not going to suffer like him, that he was going to do something, but he died four months ago, because he had a terrible illness.

Whoa. Lots of info. Show don't tell. You're info-dumping here.

Anyway, that is not important by now, the wind was getting worst and the sky was getting dark, the persons were already in their homes, safe, while I was about to die,

'People' instead of 'Persons'. You're running on again.

After a few minutes I hear steps on the wood floor,

Fix tense.

“Wose party is it?”

*Whose

General stuff:
- Try not to let your sentences run on.
- Show don't tell.
- Imagery!! Literary devices.
- Check your tenses and spelling.

I can see this going somewhere. I'm intrigued by the box. More on that?

All the best,
Alainna
x
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

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Tue Feb 26, 2008 6:58 pm
Kathy_7_Kathy says...



Thanks very much, I will try to fix it.

It was very helpful...

I am a disaster writing in english, that's why I want to improve...

I'm glad you're intrigued by the box :)

Thanks...
  





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Wed Feb 27, 2008 1:29 am
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GryphonFledgling says...



Alainna caught the errors I was going to point out...

This read a littlw awkwardly, the way you jumped from storm to flashback/info-dump to storm. Perhaps if you got her through the storm first and into the mansion, where you could have someone call to her and order her about or something to show that she is a servant, rather than us just being told.

Take your time and tell the story as it is. Don't just tell us something, show us it. Take us through the normal routine with the characters actually acting it out. Don't just have them tell us about it.

I'm curious about where this is going... Good luck!

*applause*

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








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