Young Writers Society

I really like Matthias - not to mention Matthias is one of my favorite names ever.

You conveyed the relations between Matthias and Luke very well and made it tense without it being corny. You also carried Luke's personality through very well - I could imagine him in every bit of dialogue. Very good job here, Sam.

There were a few spots where I felt your sentences rambled on, and ended up being a little long-winded, but if you read those parts aloud, I'm sure you will find them.

And this may just be my personal opinion, but I felt like the information about Matthias fighting against Henry was a little too soon. We are just getting to know Matthias, and I felt the information was a little much for the reader to swallow so early.

This was very good, Sam! I can't wait to read more Hourglass (and more about Matthias.) PM me if you ever need anything

Ooh, thanks, WD! A double-critique!

That's a good point about Henry...reading through it again, it seems like foreshadowing, even though it's not- or, at least, I haven't plotted such a thing in yet. It's such a clichèd historical plot-line, so it's somewhat second nature to foreshadow brother vs. brother.

Sweet! I shall go through this again and slaughter some adjectives...and then on to more Flames.

Sam--

You certainly are talented for your age, and I think I will never get over that. However, your age shines through in the writing. While it is certainly not a bad thing, as a person's writing is a reflection of themselves, it is a bit difficult to read a story about an adult written by someone who doesn't know a thing about the adult world (or so I assume.)

For instance: "If he didn’t finish them, he was bankrupt." I think the proper terminology would be, he would go bankrupt. But at any rate, I think that's a bit overdramatic anyway. He might lose his job, but lose all possessions? Eh...

Also, your sentences are extremely long, and run-on like. I can understand that it's partially your style, Sam, but some of them run beyond comprehension. Check out the length of this one sentence:

Luke could still feel the heightened pulse in in his veins as he played with the frayed edge of his sleeve and attempted to find a way to say something nice, without looking like a ninny- and without acknowledging that his father looked like he had been run over by a carriage, with the ghoulish blue circles beneath his eyes and bloody fingers where he had gnawed the cuticles clean off.

I mean. It's a great block of ideas, but you can barely understand what it means without breaking it up for yourself. Something like this would read much more smoothly:

Luke could still feel the heightened pulse in in his veins as he played with the frayed edge of his sleeve. He attempted to find a way to say something nice, without looking like a ninny -- and without acknowledging that his father looked like he had been run over by a carriage. Luke imagined it: his father, with ghoulish blue circles beneath his eyes and bloody fingers where he had gnawed the cuticles clean off.

Other than that, your characterization is great, the ideas are original, the writing is fluid (almost too fluid.) Oh, but the chapter could have stood to be longer ... but that'll come with time. I know when I was younger I could barely write a chapter past two pages typed -- I just wasn't at the level where I could write and edit long ideas.

In short, it is obvious that you have raw talent. Now all it needs is fine tuning -- and educating -- and you'll be putting out some astounding pieces by the time you're my age. And that makes me so jealous.

--Lyndsey

Ah, such is the life of...er, me, Shriekness. That is, trying to make certain scenes- especially the ones that are supposed to be a lot more frank and sober- not cute. I don't think I write "cute", but I certainly write naïvely.

And teehee, the longer-than-two-paragraphs story is a new development- NaNoWriMo is hellish when your ideas can be summed up in a few pages.

71 words in one sentence...oy, that is long. I'll most likely steal your suggestion, if that's fine by you.

Thank you, Shriekness! Definitely a few things to look at and really analyze- and of course, practicing the writing. I can't hide behind by teenaged characters with odd personalities forever- unfortunately, there are more types of people in the world than that.

By the way- nice Sufjan Stevens quote. The Predatory Wasp of the Palisades is Out To Get Us, right? Ha, I'm such a nerd.

what Shriek said. O_O

but really, the shortness did bother me. you didn't seem to put as much into it as you did the first chapter.
however, your descriptions are still marvelous. I commend you.

Thanks for both of your critiques, Wysteria!

Any suggestions for elongation? I tend to elongate all of the wrong places- i.e., the boring bits. I will go back and lengthen it, though...that seems to be its main problem.

A major overhauling seems to be in place- it's time to bring out the almighty red pen.

'ello, sambo.
I know I promised to do this absolutely ages ago...but erm...I forgot. Heh.

Chocolate Cheesecake:
INGREDIENTS
1 1/2 cups chocolate cookie crumbs
2 tablespoons white sugar
1/4 cup butter, melted
1/4 cup semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
3 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, softened
1 cup white sugar
1/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder
3 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
1/4 cup heavy whipping cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
DIRECTIONS
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F ( 175 degrees C). Lightly grease a 9 inch springform pan.
In a small bowl, mix together 1 1/2 cups chocolate wafer crumbs, 2 tablespoons sugar, and melted butter. Press onto the bottom and 1 1/2 inch up the sides of the prepared 9 inch springform pan. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 10 minutes. Allow to cool. Reduce oven temperature to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C).
To Make Filling: In a small saucepan, heat 1/4 cup whipping cream and 1/4 cup chocolate chips, stirring constantly, until chips are melted. Remove from heat.
In a large mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and 1 cup of sugar until smooth. Add cocoa and beat well. Add eggs and beat on low until just blended. Stir in 1 teaspoon vanilla and reserved chocolate mixture until blended. Pour over crust. Bake at 325 degrees F (165 degrees C) for 45 to 50 minutes or until center is almost set.
To Make Topping: In a small saucepan, heat 1/4 cup whipping cream and 1 teaspoon vanilla until just before boiling. Stir constantly and be careful not to boil over. Have 1 1/2 cups chocolate chips ready in a small bowl. Pour in the hot cream and stir with a spoon until smooth. Spread over baked cheesecake and refrigerate overnight.



That being said, I thought that Luke overreacted a bit to his father's legitimate concern and wouldn't it be more logical for him to just have his dad go and speak to Mr. Verplank rather than go on being, erm, expelled?

Also there was one dragging paragraph that was deceptively like something I read out of Lolita...in other words so long-winded I found myself scanning it. Ah, here it is:

Luke could still feel the heightened pulse in in his veins as he played with the frayed edge of his sleeve and attempted to find a way to say something nice, without looking like a ninny- and without acknowledging that his father looked like he had been run over by a carriage, with the ghoulish blue circles beneath his eyes and bloody fingers where he had gnawed the cuticles clean off. “May I go see Landon, then?”

Landon was the Verplancks’ personal library caretaker, whose title was an alliteration- Landon the Laughing Librarian- and whose position, like the fact that his name was an alliteration, was utterly and completely useless. The Verplancks never read anything, save for the dollar amount on checks.

....

actually those two paragraphs are quite good...I wonder why I scanned them, now.

that being said, I have no idea what the Ouran High Host Club is but I enjoyed your "This is Screaming Photo Op" icon which absolutely oozes of Panic at the Disco! (clearly).

and that all being said, I hope that the cake recipes and pointless observations detract from a basically useless post. I liked this. There was no grammar to complain of and you're setting up your readers nicely. Keep going.




It's BBCode here, not HTML. ~ Snoink

Why yes, I don't remember anything from one, though I did read it....

Mattias kneaded his forehead with his hands

*gasp* typo!

I didn't like how you used the word 'summoned' it seemed really odd.

That was good. But I don't entirely know what to say since I'm basically missing the beginning, and yes I'm too lazy just to reread it :-p You do write very well though, and your characters seem realistic. I like the humor you give to the family.

Sam! Finally found the scanner.



Ta,
Cal.