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Elemental Lands: Intro



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Sun Jan 15, 2012 1:42 am
AllessandreP says...



Shafts of sunlight fell upon the rocks at the mouth of the cave, and a quiet dripping could be heard deep within the darkness. Stalactites hung like daggers guarding the entrance, and white quartz pebbles lay across the floor, scattered in a pattern less mess. Stepping into the mouth, Larii ran her hand through the air at the entrance, and the cave faded into the shadows of the forest. Stepping onto a larger quartz stone, she stared intently into the darkness at the end of the cave. Slowly the shadows began to writhe and squirm, and a young blonde girl appeared from the darkness. She looked remarkably like Larii, but Larii's black hair set them apart.
"Larii, my sister, why have you come here when you know you aren't welcome?" Larii brushed her long hair away from her bright green eyes before answering
"Jaycee, don't do this, you are a Shadow Caller, not an ally of the Light Demons, come with me, back home, it is where you belong" a sneer spread across Jaycee's face, and her dark eyes twinkled,
"You're a fool Larii, the Light Demons will show me their powers, soon I'll be stronger than you could ever be!" Larii frowned and a dark shadowy orb begin to grow from the palm of her left hand,
"Don't you see? The Light Demons are using you to learn the powers of a Shadow Caller, your kin will suffer if you do this, think of Salr!" Jaycee's eyes softened for a moment, but she hissed angrily and sent a beam of darkness shooting toward Larii. The shadow orb in Larii's hand absorbed the power, and she flung it at Jaycee, smashing her sister against the cave wall. Jaycee leaped to her feet and flung a dagger at Larii. Larii calmly stepped to the side, then flicked her wrist. A dagger sprouted from Jaycee's arm, and the blonde's eyes grew darker with rage.
"You aren't the only one who can bend shadows to her will!" Jaycee flicked her own rest, but the magic disappeared midair, and the shadows melted away from the weapon, revealing a long arrow barbed with silver prickles. Larii stepped to one side and caught the arrow, it disappeared from her hand and moments later it pinned Jaycee to the cave wall through the ripped sleeve of her long black dress. Suddenly Larii let out a pained gasp as another dagger embedded itself in her thigh. Jaycee let out a cold laugh
"The fine Element of distraction, used by every child of any tribe as they play their silly games! I never thought that you would fall for it." Larii winced as her leg buckled beneath her pain lancing up her spine.
"You may have one this time Jaycee, but I will stop your madness!" Larii pulled the shadows around herself like a cloak, and moved herself to her camp.
Last edited by AllessandreP on Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Allessandre P
I was on here as Allessandre, but I changed my email and forgot about this site for a while. By the time I came back, I'd forgtten my password. My old account
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Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:35 am
Dragongirl says...



Hey Alle,

I'm here to review your story. Let me just start by saying I really love your descriptions. You have a way of writing that simply draws a picture for the reader with your words.

This story sounds interesting. I would read the next chapter, but...(I know, I just had to put in that 'but' didn't I?) it isn't a super original idea. I'm guessing from the title that this story is going to be about people with element powers and I just want to point out that you are going to have make sure you put in lots of your own twists and ideas on this story, otherwise people will be like, 'oh I've read this story before' and become bored. I think that you have been doing a good job on that so far. I like the fact that the 'Light' demons are the bad ones an the 'Shadow' callers seem to be the good guys. That is different.

So a few nitpicks.

Larii ran a hand through the air at the enterance, in the case faded into the shadows of the forest.


I didn't really understand what you were saying here. You migh want to clarify.

sneer spread across Jaycee's face.


I think you meant 'A sneer'.

The shadow or in Larii' hand absorbed the power


Should be 'orb' I believe.

the blondes eyes grew darker


'blonde's'

Those are the only ones I noticed.

So this was good. I think that you have inclueded enough mystery in this first chapter to get the reader curious about what is going on with out throwing them into total confusion.

Thumbs up.

~DG
"Every writer I know has trouble writing." - Joseph Heller

~ A word to the wise ain't necessary, it's the stupid ones who need advice.~
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Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:36 pm
Blues says...



Hey there, Allesandre!
I'm here as requested. So, let's get started!

My First Impressions: Ooh. Interesting. My first impression is that this could turn out to be a large conflict between siblings that could have a lot larger stakes. You introduce things like 'Light Demons' etc. and it reminds me of two sides in a war, which if my impression is right, could turn out to seem *very* interesting.

The description at the beginning here was lovely! Normally I'm not always keen on description starting a book, but here it was great. I liked how the stalactites hung like daggers and how you described the cave in general. It was an interesting way of putting it.

So anyway, let me do a bit of nitpicking. Just a bit ;)

Nitpicks

My first nitpick is just something a little silly xD Is it possible to separate the paragraphs more? I know you have already, but on YWS the line spacing doesn't show and it clusters it all up. It's a pain. Well actually you could go to http://youngwriterssociety.com/submit.php now seeing as it works ... there... but yeah xD Just for easier readability on screens.

I've changed things in red:

"Larii, my sister, why have you come here when you know you aren't welcome?" Larii brushed her long hair away from her bright green eyes before answering.
"Jaycee, don't do this, you are a Shadow Caller, not an ally of the Light Demons, come with me, back home, it is where you belong" a sneer spread across Jaycee's face, and her dark eyes twinkled,.
"You're a fool Larii, the Light Demons will show me their powers, I think it'd be better of the sentence ended here, and started a new one at 'soon' soon I'll be stronger than you could ever be!" Larii frowned and a dark shadowy orb begin to grow from the palm of her left hand,.I notice that you've used a new line for speakers which is grammatically correct, however, that means that the sentence should end with the paragraph.
"Don't you see? The Light Demons are using you to learn the powers of a Shadow Caller, your kin will suffer if you do this, think of Salr!"


I notice that you carry on the sentence despite changing paragraphs a lot...

Anyway, moving on to general comments, one thing that bugs me slightly is that we're introduced to the Light demons and all these slightly confusing things. I understand that they're relevant to the story but here I got really *really* confused. Perhaps less references would help? I say this because as readers, we don't know the basic concept of the story and so everything seems a bit confusing and we can't work out anything for ourselves. But that for me was just the main issue. It was short, but for an intro, that's alright, I think.

So. That's it! I hope this review helped you out.

Keeeeeep writing!

-Mac
  








It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
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