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Pathway - Prologue



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Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:35 am
Jitterbug says...



Prologue



Ichabad descended the dark, humid stairway, the bat infested ceiling of the tunnel rising several hundred feet above him. He traversed the subterranean stairs without way of illumination, but this presented no problem for him. His eyes were well adjusted to the darkness.
Better than a cat’s.
As he descended, the tunnel became increasingly hot. He had grown accustomed to such a sultry environment over the years, but his master’s quarters were the worst. They never ceased to scorch his lungs and steal his breath.
Ichabad hopped down from one stone-carved step to the next, each gigantic step several yards in height.
When he reached the bottom of the deep stairway, he paused before a bend that lead to his master’s chamber. He closed his eyes and willed his heart to stop galloping. He revered his master, yet he was deathly afraid of him. He’d been summoned here on only a few other occasions, and each time had left him shaken.
He attempted to hold back his heavy breathing and stood a fair distance from the bend, so that Master couldn’t detect the light cast by his glowing eyes. He seemed frozen in place, unsure if he could manage his next step.
“Come in, Ichabad,” Master’s voice rumbled.
Startled, Ichabad flinched. Master always heard him approaching, even despite his exceptionally stealthy movements.
Cautiously, Ichabad rounded the corner, into the cavern Master called home. To an eye unaccustomed to the dark, Master’s giant frame would have blended in with the stalagmites in the shadows. But Ichabad could see him clearly, resting in the center of the immense cave with his eyes shut in meditation.
When his eyes opened, Ichabad’s legs grew weak. Master’s radiant eyes were piercing. Convicting.
“My Master,” Ichabad bowed respectfully.
“Welcome back, Ichabad,” Master’s scratchy voice croaked. “I trust you came as soon as you were able.”
Ichabad swallowed. “Of course, my lord. As soon as I heard you’d summoned me, I came without delay.”
“Came without delay, did you? I’ve waited half a day for your arrival. Half a day!” He spewed angrily. “Is this the urgency with which you regard me?”
Ichabad tried, without success, to hide his trembling. “Forgive me, Master. Forgive me. It will not happen again. I will do anything to amend my failure. Anything. I will –”
“Quiet, Ichabad. Just remember, you can become expendable any time I so choose. Never forget that.”
Ichabad repeatedly wrapped and unwrapped his long, whip-like tail from around his legs, a common nervous gesture he was often unaware of. “Yes, Master.”
“You must always remember your place in my kingdom.”
“Yes, Master.”
“Very good. I trust we will never have this conversation again.”
“Never, Master, never. I would rather feed myself to your legions than disgrace myself again.”
“Good. Now enough of your gravelling. Do you realize why you’re here?”
Ichabad fiddled with his hands. “No, my lord. To what do I owe the honor of having this audience with you?”
Master grinned. “Many great things are happening, Ichabad. The goals which we’ve strived for so long to accomplish will soon reach their fulfillment. Yeshmuel’s time is short.”
Ichabad relaxed. It was unlike Master to be this optimistic. Something good must indeed be happening. Although this rhetoric about the enemy’s time being short was nothing new.
“Please elaborate,” Ichabad said, “I’m anxious to hear more.”
Master let the moment linger. Then said, “I’ve opened a gateway.”
Ichabad straightened.
A gateway?
Could it be?
“A gateway,” Ichabad whispered in astonishment. “You don’t mean to a…?”
“Yes, Ichabad, a gateway that connects to a world far beyond our own. And the peoples that inhabit it are perfect. They are full of envy, craftiness, and lust for power. All the qualities they will need to fulfill their purpose. Yeshmuel’s hands will be so full with them, he will never in a million centuries see his own death approaching.”
Ichabad chewed on his claws, excited. Over a span of centuries, Master had been honing his level of concentration, his mind touching the distant stars in search of another civilization. But it was to no avail. The heavens were silent, with no hope of yielding success.
But even if Master were successful in discovering another world, another civilization, a problem presented itself. Crossing over to this world would be impossible, for only the enemy’s ancestry had been able to build gateways.
Until now.
“This news pleases me, my lord. But can this people be more powerful than you? How can they help us?”
“They are sentient beings with a loving, compassionate side as well. If we were to bring some here, as I plan to do, they would not escape Yeshmuel’s sympathies.”
Here came the question eating away at Ichabad’s mind, the one he could not contain any longer. “But, lord, why have you called a puny, inconsequential servant such as myself to hear this news?”
And indeed, he was puny. With his three-foot tall stature, he was considered inferior among his brethren, virtually shunned and regarded with little esteem.
An uncomfortable pause ensued. Then: “Because, my little Ichabad, I’m sending you to this far away land.”
Ichabad wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly. “Me?!”
“Yes, you have been chosen you for this assignment. Do not act so surprised.”
“But surely, Master, I am ill equipped for the task. There is much stronger you can choose from.”
Not that the idea wasn’t appealing. He relished the thought of proving his worth to the rest. Especially to Master.
“You may be small, but your difference will serve its purpose well. I and the rest would stand out far too much. You are indeed best suited for the task.”
“But how will I know which of these creatures to bring back?”
“I’ll entrust you with that decision. Just be sure to select ones that are full of shrewdness and hatred. Ones that are unruly in spirit. It should not be difficult. Most of them are alike. In more ways than they know. Only, they release those inner equalities in a variety of ways.”
Ichabad’s body shivered with excitement. “How many, I ask, should I return with?”
“Only a few are required. So you must resist becoming…overzealous with your predatory urges, as I know you will be tempted to.”
“Understood, understood,” Ichabad paced back and forth, warming to this plan that would surely earn him respect and dignity. “I will not disappoint. When will you send me?”
Master’s long, curved claws hooked onto a nearby stalagmite as he lifted himself up, his head almost touching the cave’s lofty ceiling. His cold, calculating eyes peered down at Ichabad. “I can open and close the gateway at will. For the next few days, I will teach you to do the same. I will enable you to cross over on your own.”
Finally, their freedom from this inhospitable oven of a place might soon be at hand.
Ichabad’s serpent-like teeth revealed themselves in a wide grin. “Excellent. When do we begin?”
  





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Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:28 pm
StellaThomas says...



Hey Jitterbug, it's Stella back, here for your prologue. I love getting feedback on my reviews possibly more than most people love getting feedback on their work, so cheers for the PM :) I'd be more than happy to read through this as well! Good plan posting Chapter One first, btw. I'm always a little iffy about prologues although I have written one for my own current story. I think they should only be used when whatever you're trying to say simply cannot be a first chapter. But anyway! Rambling here!

I. NITPICKS

He traversed the subterranean stairs without way of illumination, but this presented no problem for him.


for some reason the phrase "subterranean stairs" bugs me... possibly because you've made clear in the first line that they are subterranean stairs? :P

“Came without delay, did you? I’ve waited half a day for your arrival. Half a day!” He spewed angrily. “Is this the urgency with which you regard me?”


If you're confused about dialogue punctuation, this article written by our very own Demeter is an extremely good explanation of how things roll.

“Good. Now enough of your gravelling. Do you realize why you’re here?”


grovelling, maybe? ;)

II. PROLOGUES

Now, in relation to Chapter One, this fits rather nicely- we see what connection Ichabad has to the whole plan. As prologues go, this is pretty good, and I like how it's from a different perspective so well done on that.

I would have a slight problem with the fact that it takes quite a while to get to the point. Part of this may be illusion on my part because I had to go take a several hour gap halfway through reading this (sorry!) But as with Chapter One, you need more of a hook. If you went straight into the conversation with 'the Master' it might be a whole lot stronger.

III. OVERALL

I liked this. I would have one more point to question- why Ichabad? If he is so puny and useless, then surely that in itself is worthy of note. As far as I can see he is just a typical specimen, just on the smaller side. So that makes me wonder why on earth the Master would choose him over any others. I think this needs clarification- as Ichabad himself will surely be asking, well, out of all the possibilities and others who may not draw attention, why me? But then, he may be the honestly most puny and small, so ignore me if that's the case.

Otherwise, I liked this, and it's a much stronger opening than Chapter One, so it makes a lot more sense to me :)

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010
  








i don't need to search the stars to know myself
— soundofmind