Young Writers Society

Nickolas sat in the desk chair with his knees hugged to his chest, quietly giggling to himself.
Drugs were duds. He thought to himself, and laughed aloud without meaning to. His hands spasmed slightly even though he had them clasped around his knees, and electricity sparked through the air, bouncing off his wire-rimmed glasses. His orange converse Vans seemed fluorescent underneath the classroom light, in stark contrast with his black Asking Alexandria tee shirt and dark purple skinny jeans. Occasionally he pulsed, spasming with electric currents. His movements elicited several whispers and laughs from his classmates, not that a loopy-feeling Nickolas-whose rocking became greater-noticed.
“Nickolas?” The teacher asked him. “Would you like a moment alone?”
Nickolas shook his head, still giggling. “No thanks. Mr. Wicked Witch of the West.” He laughed.
The teacher, Mr. Travis West, sighed. “Nickolas, we’ve discussed this. That’s not my name.”
Nickolas continued to giggle crazily. “Sorry, Travis.”
Mr. West sighed again and grabbed one of Nickolas’ spasming hands, pulling him into the hallway. “Nickolas, have you taken your medicine today?”
Nickolas nodded, trying to suppress a smile as he placed with his Star of David necklace. “Y-yes.” He giggled, hand spasming and hitting his thigh.
“Are you lying?” Mr. West asked him.
“Drugs were duds.” Nickolas laughed despite himself. “Drugs were duds!”
“Nickolas, follow me.” Mr. West grabbed his hand again and began to lead him downstairs.
Where to? The castle?” Nickolas asked, any hint of joking suddenly erased from his voice.
“To get your sacred chalice.” Mr. West replied, playing along as he led Nickolas down to the office.
“What about my medallion?” Nickolas asked him, standing still as Mr. West got the nurse.
“Take a seat, Nickolas.” The nurse. Ms. V, told him.
Nickolas obediently took his usual seat on the examination table, hugging his knees to his chest and rocking back and forth. He watched as she put a syringe full of medicine in a water bottle and pressed the bottle into his palm. “Here’s your chalice, Nickolas. Drink from it.”
He tentatively put it to his lips and began to slowly drink, sip by sip. He squeezed the bottle as he drank, giggling occasionally at the crunching sound the plastic made. Eventually, he had the bottle drained. His rocking ceased, and he sat there with his chin on his knees, brow furrowed as though deep in thought.
“Better now?” Mr. West asked him.
“Yes sir, Mr. West.” Nickolas replied, letting his feet dangle. He carefully hopped down, and the air sizzled with a small pop as his feet touched the tile. “Guess I gotta get back to class.” He let out a single, tiny giggle. “What period is it?” He was fiddling with his necklace again, thoughts drifting towards last year’s Hanukkah celebration.
“You’re in my class. I’ll walk you back.” Mr. West told him, and led him back upstairs again.
Once they were inside, Nickolas quietly took his seat, sitting cross legged in the chair and glancing around as Mr. West began his lecture again.
“Nickolas. Nickolas!” Nickolas’ head snapped toward the front, his thoughts going blank at Mr. West’s calling. “Nickolas, I need you to pay attention.”
Nickolas kept his eyes trained on Mr. West as Mr.West began to speak again. Despite his trying to pay attention, Nickolas’ thoughts drifted off again, and he absently played with his fingers as he smiled and giggled quietly at his thoughts.
“Nickolas!” Nickolas came rocketing back down to earth again, and he smiled sheepishly, forcing himself to pay attention until the bell rang.
Next class was Social Studies, one Nickolas hated with a strong passion.The teacher, Ms. Fachia, was mean and treated him like he was ignorant. He hated her, but loved the subject she taught. Therefore, he spent all of her class listening to music with his iPod and reading the textbook, and some extra books about Greek, Roman and Egyptian mythology.Even though he was an Orthodox Jew, he loved reading about mythology. It was the only thing besides writing that kept him still and focused most of the time.
He crossed his legs and put his iPod in his lap as he opened his worn, dog-eared mythology encyclopedia. Opening it, he began to silently read.

team yellow - review #5
Hello! I stumbled upon this thread and thought I would review. :)

My first impressions?

1) At first I thought, "Oh, man, is this whole story going to be centered out?" But then I realized it was only the prologue, and actually, I like it like that. It spiffs up the story.

2) Oh my goodness, the prologue was amazing!I thought this would be an iffy story, but after reading the prologue, my mind was blown. This sounds like a book I would actually spend hours reading.
The style? Awesome. Too good for words. Unique.
The hook? Succession. It worked. I intrigued after the first paragraph.
The voice? Strong. I loved it. I could actually hear the words in my head very clearly.
The pun? Oh, yeah. That shocked me.

Okay, enough first impressions. Now on to the real story.

To be honest, I was actually expecting a little more.
Maybe it was because the prologue was awesome, but the real chapter itself was kind of, I dunno, a disappointed awwww moment? I wouldn't say it was a let-down; I just expected different.
The voice and style was different. It didn't have the spark it had in the prologue. (Excuse me for the pun.) I could tell you rushed it.
One good way to include a lot of thought and feeling into fictional work is to make it first person. I've found that third person stories are sometimes (not always) dull. It may be because in first person, the character can go on after detail after detail about anything they want (to a certain extent, of course), but in the third person point of view, it's a bit harder to do that.
So consider using first person with Nick narrating. (You don't mind me calling him that, right?)

Anyways, enough of that.
And now it's time for the...nitpicks! That's right, don't you love them? Not.
However, I wrote it down, and I thought these little grammar slips could prove useful later in life:

Drugs were duds. He thought to himself ...

It should be: Drugs were duds, he thought to himself ...
"He thought to himself" is actually a fragment, so use the comma (even in thoughts) to join up the dialogue and the clause together.

His orange converse Vans seemed fluorescent underneath the classroom light, in stark contrast with his black Asking Alexandria tee shirt and dark purple skinny jeans.

The comma isn't needed.
Also, I thought I'd point out that you don't really need to say what people are wearing, but that depends totally on the style of the author. To me, it irks the back of my mind when authors use long descriptions of what people wear, and this isn't a big deal (it isn't long), but I thought I'd just let you know what I think.

“Nickolas?” The teacher asked him.

Should be: "Nickolas?" the teacher asked him.
"The teacher asked him" is a fragment, and it belongs with the dialogue anyway.

“No thanks. Mr. Wicked Witch of the West.”

Should be: "No thanks, Mr. Wicked Witch of the West." He's addressing the teacher. (Also, I like the humor. XD)

“Nickolas, we’ve discussed this. That’s not my name.”

I don't know, to me that's not really a teacher thing to say. Also, I don't think a teacher would easily leave the room with his other students unattended.

Nickolas nodded, trying to suppress a smile as he placed with his Star of David necklace.

Misspelled. Should be "played," I think.

Where to? The castle?”

You just forgot the other quotation mark here.

“To get your sacred chalice.” Mr. West replied, playing along as he led Nickolas down to the office.

Again, the sentence should be connected with the dialogue, so there should be a comma.

“Take a seat, Nickolas.” The nurse. Ms. V, told him.

More periods-should-be-commas thing.

“Yes sir, Mr. West.” Nickolas replied, letting his feet dangle.

In this case, "sir" and "Mr. West" would be the same person, so that's like telling your cat: "Yes, Whiskers, Cat." I don't know, it sounds a little odd. I'd just get rid of "Mr. West."

“You’re in my class. I’ll walk you back.” Mr. West told him, and led him back upstairs again.

Nickolas kept his eyes trained on Mr. West as Mr. West began to speak again.

You already addressed Mr. West, so just say "he."

Despite his trying to pay attention, Nickolas’ thoughts drifted off again ...

It should be "Nickolas's," even if there's an 's' as the ending.
Nickolas' = two or more people named Nickolas owning the same thing (and you know, you'll never use that)

Next class was Social Studies, one Nickolas hated with a strong passion.

It doesn't need to be capitalized.

Even though he was an Orthodox Jew, he loved reading about mythology.

I'm not sure how this is relevant. I'm a Christian, but I like to go to other churches sometimes. My friend is Buddhist, and she likes mythology, too. You get what I'm saying here? However, I don't know much about the Orthodox Jewish religion, so if they're really uptight as what you left me to infer, then I apologize, and I bet I'm looking pretty stupid right now, huh?

GOOD;

- ... and electricity sparked through the air, bouncing off his wire-rimmed glasses.

Occasionally he pulsed, spasming with electric currents. His movements elicited several whispers and laughs from his classmates, not that a loopy-feeling Nickolas-whose rocking became greater-noticed.

I'm not sure if "spasming" is a word. Also, the hyphens in red aren't necessary.

... and the air sizzled with a small pop as his feet touched the tile.

“Nickolas!” Nickolas came rocketing back down to earth again, and he smiled sheepishly, forcing himself to pay attention until the bell rang.

NOTES;
- Could do better with the teacher (too easy-going, paid too much attention to Nick. Where were the other kids?)
- I know it's probably intended, I feel like the word "giggled" is used way too many times.

I think that's about it.
This chapter pretty much just introduced me to the teacher, and Nick with his...problem. XD
I'll keep in touch, because I'll definitely keep reading.
So keep writing!

I was unsure whether to put it in first person or not, but if I would, I was thinking about switching from character to character in first person view.