Young Writers Society

9000 years ago the griffins whom were the Kings of the Skies ruled free in their own hidden kingdoms. Hidden safely from wandering eyes; the eyes of the humans. Our kind grew curious of the two-legged creatures that were slowly starting realize our existence. The humans were awed by us, transfixed by our power. They wanted to befriend us, so they offered us gifts and came to us with compliments. We, like fools accepted them took them as our friends, completely oblivious to the fact that the humans wanted to makes us their slaves. The humans were jealously creatures despising anything they couldn’t control anything that was stronger and better than them
Griffin’s as we were proud creatures refused to be turned into common slaves. We rebelled against them; we showed them we would not be ruled! Our kind attacked their livestock and hunted them and their children. The humans were angered by our murders; our attacks and so fought back. We hunted them and they hunted us; a continuous fight of who will be the predator and whom would be the prey.
After 80 long years of war it all ended. A lone human male under the name Occultus came forward to our leader; Ana. The feathers of a hippogriff and the claws of a griffin hung around his neck. Occultus spoke these words: “Griffins, Kings of the Skies, end this foolishness. You either surrender yourselves to us or suffer the ramifications!”
Our leader Ana laughed at his pitiful threat. She spread her wings and stood tall on her hind-quarters her talons raised menacingly. “Foolish man, what can weak boned humans do against the mighty griffins? Tell me how, after we have slaughtered your species so easily for over eight decades?”
Occultus gave Ana a ghastly look and spat at her. “Fine then confront your fate hybrid!”
Then they came. The hippogriffs; our offspring; half griffin and half wild filly. They dived upon us in attack. Forcing us back, forcing us to retreat all while Occultus laughed watching with amusement as we were being slaughtered. Young ones were yanked from their nests and thrown down to their deaths. Griffins and hippogriffs clashing together in bloody combat clawing at each other’s wings.
We were too distracted with our war with the hippogriffs to worry about the humans. Occultus ran back to his people and told them of our vulnerability. The humans took the chance to attack us while we were weak. We didn’t stand a chance against the power-hungry humans and the bloodthirsty hippogriffs. Having no other option we were forced to go into hiding once more. Hiding in unknown and unexplored places in hopes that the humans wouldn’t tried to find us again; try to control us.
Occultus the horrible man whom had shadows hiding in him searched for us endlessly. He would not rest; he wanted us to be his slaves. One day he finally gave up but not without leaving his mark behind.
His bloodline was named for him. Any child born would have a name that meant “secret” as his did. They were taught about our existence while the rest of the humans began to forget us. While the others came to think of us as mere stories and fairy tales; Occultus’ blood knew we were out there; hiding.
We all knew the day would come when we were found again. One day humans would come in contact with us. That day would mean we could finally live in piece together or once more war would break out. Leaving both sides dead.

Hey Riker!

So, your prologue was good, especially because it was being told from a griffin's point of view. There were a few things I would like to suggest to you, though:

9000 years ago the Kings of the Skies ruled free in their own hidden kingdoms. Hidden safely from wandering eyes; the eyes of the humans. Our kind; the griffins grew curious of the two-legged creatures that were slowly starting realize their existence.

I read this, and it was a good beginning. At least, when I read it I thought so. But I had a small doubt when I read this:

Occultus spoke these words: “Griffins, Kings of the Skies, end this foolishness. You either surrender yourselves to us or suffer the ramifications!”

Now, in the first paragraph when you tell us about the Kings of the Skies and the griffins, you make them sound different. Like the Kings of the Skies may be a different species. But then, in the next part which I quoted, Occultus calls the griffins the Kings of the Skies. This confused me. If the griffins are the Kings of the Skies, I suggest you add a word in the middle:

9000 years ago we, the Kings of the Skies ruled free in their our own hidden kingdoms. Hidden safely from wandering eyes; the eyes of the humans. Our kind; the griffins grew curious of the two-legged creatures that were slowly starting realize their existence.

Now, that last line up there also threw me for a loop. Were the humans realizing their own existence or were the griffins realizing the humans' existence? Just change that line according to whichever one it is, though I'm pretty sure it's the latter.

We like fools, accepted them, took them as our friends, completely oblivious to the fact that the humans wanted to makes us their slaves. The humans were jealously creatures, despising anything they couldn’t control, anything that was stronger and better than them.

You need to add a lot of punctuation there. Commas, to be exact.

Griffin’s as We were proud creatures and refused to be turned into common slaves.

we showed them we would not be ruled!

The feathers of a hippogriff

Hippogriff? Hm. I wonder why that sounds so familiar?

Young ones were yanked from their nests and thrown down to their deaths.

That's all. You might want to re-read it again, though. I liked your ending. It gave me a feeling of suspense and I wanted to know what happens next. Good work!

~HPR~

Hi there, RikerRayn!

First of all, I would strongly recommend proofreading before you post -- by doing that, you'd notice some of the silly mistakes writers are bound to make all the time.

As a prologue, this did seem rather interesting, but I have to say I felt more confused than intrigued. There were so many aspects introduced in such a short time, and everything happened at such a rapid speed. I barely had the time to grasp the previous concept when I was already facing the next one, and that made me feel quite out-of-breath.

To prevent this from happening, I think line breaks would make a big difference easily. If you copy/paste your text on the submitting box, YWS sometimes messes up the format a little, so I don't know whether you actually had the proper line breaks and they just disappeared when you posted this. Even so, please hit more space between the paragraphs, it'll make this so much easier on the eye.

Also, it would be good if you took more time explaining what the griffins are in this world, their relationship with the humans, and how these two species are different from each other. I know what humans are, and I sort of know what griffins are, but I don't know what they are in this particular story. I'd like to know what kind of power the griffins have and what makes humans want to take them as slaves, if they're so much more powerful than the humans. In short, I think I need more background.

What about Occultus's motives? All I know about him after reading this is his name, but I'm not sure what he wants and what makes him so special.

The ending is pretty nice, it does seem like just the ticket to make your readers read more. If only I hadn't been so confused...

So remember: proofread, background, and perhaps most importantly, relax! You have time to tell your story, you don't need to rush.

Hope this helped!


Demeter
x

Thank you both for pointing out my errors (I try not to depend on my spell check to much) ^^
I didn't think I would have noticed them if you didn't. Anyway i think I've fixed them all if there's anything else please let me know. Also thanks for reading my prologue I'll have chapter one up when I can.