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Imagine. Chapter 1



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Wed Dec 28, 2011 4:06 pm
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AquaMarine says...



Spoiler! :
'Imagine' will probably not be the final name of this novel, but I'm terrible with titles so stick with it for the moment!

Also, Chapter 1 is short because it's more of an 'in between' chapter than anything else. Again, stick with it!


Chapter 1 -- The Cat.

Tell us about the boy.

I first saw the boy nine summers ago. I was slinking around the corner of The House after a rat. I could smell the meaty flesh around its rump and was already imagining my teeth breaking through the coarse skin and sinking into the soft tissue beneath. I was near to it. Slinking, close to the ground.

The first thing I saw of the boy was his feet. White shoes, laces undone. I remember wanting to paw at the laces, to play with them. Laces weren’t common around The House. The only feet I really knew of were rodent’s paws scrabbling in the undergrowth and my own ones padding the empty path between the gate and the house. He looked down and I looked up. Our eyes met. You would call that cliché, but I call it common courtesy. For a second, blue-grey studied flecked brown and then I whisked away.

The next time I saw the boy I was more prepared. I had been sitting in The Garden, when I smelt something that wasn’t rodent or flower or wood. It didn’t smell normal. I walked around to the front of the house and there He was. He was sitting outside of his house and this time, to be polite, I ignored the faint scent of vole coming from under his front porch and walked up to the top step where he was sitting.

“Hullo, cat.”

His first words to me were not riveting, but they were the first words anybody had ever spoken to me. At the time, I wasn’t sure what he was saying. His manner seemed friendly but he wasn’t squeaking or chittering like the animals around me were wont to do, and the sounds came from outside me rather than inside me like The Voice. His sounds were entirely alien.

After the dull beginning, things began to pick up. I purred and nuzzled into his leg; he fumbled in his pocket and brought what looked like a half-chewed block of mud, except it smelt sickly sweet. Still, it seemed like a gesture of goodwill.
Absentmindedly, his hand had begun to stroke from the crown of my head to the tip of my tail in long, smooth strokes. It was as though I was already his.

We sat out there for hours; staring at the street together. He seemed puzzled as he looked at it, as though he was searching for something else, something other. At that time, for me, there was nothing but The House, The Garden, The Voice and now The Boy. Unlike him, back then I didn’t know that beyond a gate there should be a street, with cars and people and dogs and other things crossing paths and entwining destinies. For me, there was The Gate, and that was where my existence ended.

I remember, that afternoon on the porch, suddenly finding that this person had become important to me. Our companionship, though silent, already seemed strong. His hand curled protectively around my middle and sometimes I’d give a contented rumble in the back of my throat.

Ah, I was young – I had had no experience beyond The Garden, no interaction apart from gently toying with my prey before devouring it. A lonely life? It was all I knew, yet in one afternoon The Boy managed to shatter it, managed to change me. Though I had a House, I’d never had a home. Now the Boy was Home and
Home was in The Boy.

But, of course, The Boy left. It scared me, when he finally got to his feet. In my life, everything was permanent. I woke up, caught my breakfast, lay in the sun (or the shade if it was too hot) and then caught something else. Routine. The Boy had changed my routine, and now he was going to change it again with just two words.

“Bye, cat!”

A hello and a goodbye was all I got that day.

After that, I waited for the boy. I sat on the porch where he sat. I stared at the spot where I’d seen his trainers. For months, nothing. I slowly began to move back into my old routine. Yet it seemed as though it was not only me waiting, but The House too. It sagged, grew dull. Like me, His presence had warmed it for the briefest of moments, and now everything seemed a little bit chillier. Even The Voice was silenced for a short while; it existed only in the whispers of the grass blades and the creaks of the porch steps as I passed them.

Then, one day, He returned. I only knew it because The Garden suddenly seemed to be blooming – the pinks were pinker, the roses more rosy. I looked at the house and then I was sure. Where the paint had been peeling it gleamed. Where there had been dust on the windows there was now only a faint sparkle. He was here.

Our afternoon was much like the first. He was silent. I sat next to him until he stood up again. This time, instead of saying goodbye he turned around with a “See you soon, cat!” and brushed the top of my head.

That was when I became His, when the House became His and when He began to visit regularly.

--

Reviews are extremely welcomed. Thank you in advance!
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

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Thu Dec 29, 2011 12:59 pm
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Twit says...



Yo Aqua! Thanks for requesting. ^_^

I first saw the boy nine summers ago. I was slinking around the corner of The House after a rat. I could smell the meaty flesh around its rump and was already imagining my teeth breaking through the coarse skin and sinking into the soft tissue beneath. I was near to it. Slinking, close to the ground.


Good strong opening paragraph. The very first line and the use of “summers” hints that there is something different about the narrator, and the follow-up is good as well. ^_^


I had been sitting in The Garden, when I smelt something that wasn’t rodent or flower or wood.


This doesn’t feel right. Maybe have it, “I was sitting in the garden”?


We sat out there for hours; staring at the street together.


Semi-colon should be a comma.


---

I really liked this! Animal narrators are always interesting, and this was very well handled, especially details like the capitalisation of The Gate and The House. The cat also has a sense of character, which is important because people sometimes forget when writing animals that they’re not all the same. We have four cats and they’re all completely different characters. ^_^

Perhaps to improve this, you could add in more sensory detail. I mean, cats’ senses are so heightened and they use them constantly, so using those senses and adding in more detail accordingly would help to make this more vivid and really give a sense of the cat’s world, especially when the cat notices things that a human wouldn’t.

PM or Wall me when you post more of this!

-twit

EDIT: Oh yes, we don't have Walls yet. >_<
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Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:53 am
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Lavvie says...



Amy! Hi! Sorry this took so long to get to. I read it last night but it was early, early morning and wasn't going to review to save you from something terrible. And now here I am :D

I liked this. It's an intriguing story so far, though I'm not so sure about where it's going or what's going to happen, but what intrigues me is the use of your narration by animal. You've created more of a personable animal conscience with still a trace of creature. It's fun to read and interesting, unlike similar animal narrations where it's kind of silly/childish. So, well done on that. (Though I must agree with Twit that perhaps you could include more sensory details. Cat and all.)

As for nitpicks and the like:

The only feet I really knew of were rodent’s paws scrabbling


rodents'

and the sounds came from outside me rather than inside me like The Voice.


Here, it's not entirely clear. I know what you mean, but it took me a few seconds longer than it should have. You must be precise in what you're writing. So, here, are you intending to mean The Voice comes from inside or is it outside? (I think you mean outside, but it's kind of blurry in this fact.) Rephrasing'll do it.

His first words to me were not riveting, but they were the first words anybody had ever spoken to me.


This sentence makes me wonder. First, obviously "Hullo, cat" wouldn't be a riveting two words. That's given. And second, these are the first words anybody had ever spoken to this cat? I'm confused now. I had the idea that the cat was a house/domestic cat and if that's true, then wouldn't somebody at least have talked to him once before the Boy? Maybe I missed something, I don't know.

Anyway. This is interesting and inspires my curiosity. Tell me when there's more! (And thanks for the review on mine<3)

Yours,
Lavvie


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Fri Dec 30, 2011 7:49 pm
Carina says...



Hey there! I was peeking around recognized you from my I'm-new-here thread. Thought I'd drop by and give a shot at a review. :D

the beginning:
- I loved the hook. It actually made me cringe!
- I liked your use of imagery.
- After the first two paragraphs, I suspected that we were talking about a cat here, so it's good that you wrote it so the reader could catch up so easily. (After all, a normal human being wouldn't talk about rats and shoes like it was their favorite thing in the world.) However, I agree with the people above me; you could still use a lot more words that described what the cat's thinking or feeling. Remember the five senses: sight, smell, taste, sound, and feel. Smell is especially important. Just saying, "I could smell the meaty flesh around its rump and was already imagining my teeth breaking through the coarse skin and sinking into the soft tissue beneath," can really spin the reader's imagination.

notes:
- The flow and transitions were good.
- Good use in narrating. Everything's to the point, and midway through the story, I compared the cat through my cat. (I have to say, it was an interesting thought.)
- I liked how you capitalized the words like "The Boy," "The Garden," and "The Gate." It ebbed my curiosity, and I knew that the cat must had thought that those places were a sacred haven to him.
- I liked this spacing, intentional or not:
Though I had a House, I’d never had a home. Now the Boy was Home and
Home was in The Boy.

- I really liked this paragraph:
Then, one day, He returned. I only knew it because The Garden suddenly seemed to be blooming – the pinks were pinker, the roses more rosy. I looked at the house and then I was sure. Where the paint had been peeling it gleamed. Where there had been dust on the windows there was now only a faint sparkle. He was here.


slips:
At the time, I wasn’t sure what he was saying. His manner seemed friendly but he wasn’t squeaking or chittering like the animals around me were wont to do...
Did you mean "would want to do"?

We sat out there for hours; staring at the street together.
I know Twit already pointed this out, but I just wanted to tell you that if the sentence after the semi-colon can't stand alone, then it is incorrect. "Staring at the street together," is a fragment, therefore the semi-colon should be a comma.

I woke up, caught my breakfast, lay in the sun (or the shade if it was too hot) and then caught something else.
Since the story is in past tense, it should be "laid." Don't worry, people go back and forth on tenses all the time without even noticing--even me.

The Boy had changed my routine, and now he was going to change it again with just two words.

“Bye, cat!”
I'm pretty sure that period should be a colon.

A hello and a goodbye was all I got that day.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence; I'm just a little confused by it. He got the greeting and goodbye on the same day? I thought it lasted over days, if not weeks or months that he came in the cat's routine--but this sentence says his appearance only lasted for a day.
I don't know, just a little confusing.

in general:
I liked the story; it's different and interesting to read. I mean, when's the last time you read a book with a cat narrating it?
I'd definitely continue reading this. :3 (See what I did there? I just made a cat face.)
Keep writing!
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Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
— Jules de Gaultier