Young Writers Society

It was midnight, June 11th, 1993. Anne Childs had been in labor for over eight hours and was nearing death. She had her twin sister Clara and her loving husband Christopher at her side. Anne’s screams echoed in the tiny cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains. It was a one room cabin that was barely enough for one person, let alone three.
Anne had refused to go to a hospital the day before. She knew if she did, they would find her child and slaughter them both. The unborn child was her fourth. Her other three were mysteriously killed in a massive fire the year before. The fire department discovered it wasn’t an accident, but it was on purpose. Anne dreads the day that brings the demons.
Anne knew if she didn’t give birth soon, both her and the child would perish. She managed one last push before her soul departed.
Clara took up the baby and took outside to be cleaned. The only ones left in the house were Christopher and his wife’s limp body.
“Oh my love finally we have another child!” Christopher exclaimed with a twinkle in his normally dull eyes. He waited for his wife to agree with the same enthusiasm, but her soulless body no longer could make sound. He waited several seconds but still, no answer. His mind went blank. Without Anne he would die. He went to the window near the bed and stared out. His mind will never be the same.
By now Clara had come back in with the child now pink and clean. The poor child was wailing at the top of her lungs wanting to be with Anne.
“Congratulations my dear sister, you….” She trailed off, noticing Christopher’s stillness. The tension in the room was worse than a taunt rope. She deduced that he was just nervous about the child.
She walked to the bed and held out the child.
“Come now my dear, it’s a beautiful baby girl”, she said sweetly. For she had not noticed Anne’s limp body. Yet she still placed the girl upon Anne’s chest.
“Get that thing off my wife”, Christopher said between clenched teeth. “This is her fault. That kid made my one true love depart earth.”
Clara barely had time to move the child before he ran full charge right towards her and the baby.

O'MiGoodness! I love this! I love, love, love the dramatic tension--sooo captivating! I like the simplicity in your writing that illuminated the characters actions and the tone of the story wonderfully, without being too direct. Like this for instance!

“Come now my dear, it’s a beautiful baby girl”, she said sweetly. For she had not noticed Anne’s limp body. Yet she still placed the girl upon Anne’s chest.

“Get that thing off my wife”, Christopher said between clenched teeth. “This is her fault. That kid made my one true love depart earth.”

Clara barely had time to move the child before Christopher he ran full charge right towards her and the baby.

As well as the beginning when Anne's giving birth I thought was really good.

One thing I felt was a little off was the inconsistancy of details. An example of what I mean is like in this paragraph:

I think a few things that are missing, though, are details, or a more consistancy of them. of would “Oh my love finally we have another child!” Christopher exclaimed with a twinkle in his normally dull eyes. It took him a minute to realize his wife didn’t respond, nor did she move. His mind went blank. Without Anne he would die. He went to the window near the bed and stared out. His mind will never be the same.

I think there was a wee disconnection here because he's experiencing an overwhelming emotion. Questions that came to me were, how did he walk over the to window? Did he stagger? Saunghter? Move slowly? Hurry over? And how when his mind went blank show on his face?

Adding those small desciptions can enhance your vision even farther. As the saying goes, "Show, don't tell.", it makes it more believeable. So, I think it's simply keeping a consistancy is what's needed. The moment I read Christopher's words at the end, I was in and ready for the action to begin! When are you going to continue the piece? I'm excited for the rest!

~Ceely

Hello,

This is midly confusing. I have no idea whatsoever as to what is going on. I did enjoy it though.

Farwell,
-A.