z

Young Writers Society


TITLE COMING SOON - Chapter 1 Part 2!



Random avatar


Gender: None specified
Points: 989
Reviews: 10
Sun Nov 06, 2011 11:01 am
inthebeginning says...



please read the spoiler before reading this part of chapter 1!

Spoiler! :
Okay so this is like a draft of the second part of chapter 1. As I've said with my other parts, please feel free to tear this to shreds! I'm sorry if the spelling/grammar is not that flash, i will go through soon and fix up all my mistakes. Anyway, I hope it's not too boring (: P.s if you have a piece you want me to review then please feel free to hit me up with a message!


“What you got first up?” My brother’s voice came from behind me as I walked to my locker.

243, 244 there it is – 245, I thought as I reached the locker that had been assigned to me. I groaned inwardly as I saw the girl standing next to it.

She was looking at herself in the full length mirror of her locker door, applying more make-up to her already caked face. Her blonde hair was pulled tightly back in a ponytail, and her shorts were so small they could only be classed as underwear.

“El?” Matt’s voice disrupted my thoughts as I realised that I was yet to answer his question.

“I have p.e, you?” I glanced back at the girl. She had obviously seen us coming in her mirror, and had shut her locker door.

“I’ve got modern history,” he replied as he caught up to me, discreetly eyeing the girl at the locker.

“Sounds enthralling,” I replied sarcastically, waiting for the girl to turn around and face us.

Almost as if on cue, she did, smiling brightly. “Hi, I’m Tara.” Her voice was high pitched and she kept her eyes on Matt the entire time.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard you have modern history. Would you like me to show you to class? I’m just in the room next door…” She looked at Matt, waiting for his response.

“No thanks, I’ll be fine.” I almost laughed out loud as I watched the girls’ calm exterior shatter, but instead I just sniggered. She turned to look at me as if she hadn’t noticed me before, her blue eyes shooting daggers at me.

“If I were you, I would be careful who I made enemies with.” Tara’s voice came out stronger as she stared at me, hoping to intimidate me.

I probably would have laughed again had I not be absolutely infuriated. I felt my fangs extend and my muscles tighten the way they always did when I lost control. I leaned my head towards her, daring her to say something else.

She must have got the idea from my expression that I was not in the mood for anyone’s shit and so she retreated to the other end of the corridor, as far away from my glare as possible.

“El relax, go to p.e” Matt’s voice sounded tense as he walked past me to his first class.

I growled in response, not taking my eyes off of Tara until she had turned the corner. No one had seemed to notice our small confrontation and I was grateful. I didn’t want to draw more attention than was necessary to myself already.

I turned in the opposite direction, hoping that the gym would be easy to find. I picked up my pace, not wanting to be late for the first lesson.

As I walked around the corner I was confronted by three girls in cheer leading outfits. The tallest of the three looked at me as I approached, seemingly disinterested in what she saw.

The girl on her left however, seemed obliged to smile at me as I walked past. I showed no pretence of being friendly whatsoever, but she wasn’t deterred. “Hi, you must be new. Need any help? This school is awfully big and confusing and takes a while to get used to and it’s easy to get lost in…”

Her mouth was working at a million miles an hour, producing way too many words in such a short space of time. She seemed to realise this and I could see a faint red appear in her cheeks as she avoided eye contact.

“Actually,” I said, regretting it almost immediately, “I was on my way to the gym, but I’m not quite sure where to find it? Any chance you could help me?”

She smiled at me, grateful that I had simply ignored her conversation starter. Her smile reached to either side of her face, amplifying the beauty of her dark brown eyes. It was contagious, and I caught myself trying to supress a smile in return.

I shook my head, irritated. I had not survived the last 570 years to throw it all away now. She turned back to the other two girls, telling them that she’d meet them at lunch in their usual spot, before turning back to me.

She motioned back down the hallway I had just come from, and I was glad that I had asked for her help after all. I had assumed the gym would be in the direction of the football oval, but it appeared I was wrong.

As we turned the corner the girl stopped suddenly and looked around her. She seemed to sense something, and she went rigid. She turned her head to look me, her eyes filled with fear.

It was in that moment that I realised she somehow knew what I was. I had seen the look in her eyes on thousands of other faces. It was the look people got in that final moment before I killed them; it was a look of realisation that everything they were taught and believed was a lie. It was a look of pure terror.

I had two options, and in a split second, without hesitation, I chose the one that had helped me survive for this long. I moved as fast as lightning, my body becoming a blur as I grabbed her and threw her against the nearest locker.

I lunged at her throat, sticking my fangs in, and the moment I did I knew something was wrong. Her blood was vile, and I felt myself gagging. That wasn’t the only thing that was wrong though: I couldn’t feel her emotions.

Every vampire is able to manipulate a person’s emotion when they begin drinking their blood. Some say it has to do with the direct contact to a person’s heart through their bloodstream. Others say that our powers are at their strongest when we are destroying human life – that the power is always in us; we just don’t know how to harness it. Either way, I didn't care. I just wanted to feel something.

As I pulled away from her neck, I looked up at her, furious. My face was twisted in a snarl, and it was then that I noticed her expression. She was smirking and in that instant I felt something that I had not felt for the last 570 years; fear.
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 973
Reviews: 2
Sun Nov 06, 2011 2:41 pm
Danielm1233 says...



Nice job. At first i didn't quite understand what was going on. But then i got to the middle of the story and i felt it. I felt the emotion that was given. Really nice job.

- Danielm1233
  





User avatar
50 Reviews



Gender: Other
Points: 9000
Reviews: 50
Sun Nov 06, 2011 7:38 pm
KingLucifer says...



This is great some fixes here and there and its good I like it. I normally don't read about vampires but this is fairly great. unlike twilight we have the pure power and emotion a vampire willing to kill a person, that's what I like to see in my vampires a blood thirsty killer. I say great job I love to see more of this more of a vampiric killing. all and all this story gets a 8 out 10 with me.

-MasterLHart
An angel, a knight, a man who will bring light to where there is only darkness, I am the Morning Star, the Bringer of Light, hail to me as I am King Lucifer!

Formerly: Avalon
  








Writing is the geometry of the soul.
— Plato