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Supreme Team; Rise of Pyro Flame Chapter 3



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Sat Nov 05, 2011 8:49 am
stevensmith05 says...



Chapter 3 Scorching Pain

We were nearly half way across the gigantic reservoir; seemed like a bad idea now. My arms were beginning to tire; we were swimming against a strong current. Then all of sudden Cory disappeared under the water with a massive crash! This caused panic among the group I remember specifically Dan shouting “holy shit we need to save him!” but before he even finished his sentence. I saw people sucked down one y on Joe, David, Scott; they were all disappearing like they had been knocked out stone cold. I felt a pounding in my stomach like Muhammad Ali was constantly hooking me. I went to scream out in pain but before I could I was sucked under water. It felt like I was falling into a never-ending pit; my head ached because of an intense buzzing sound, which were unreal, unbearable, I blanked out.

Time had passed; still to this day don’t know how long it was. When I came around had little or no idea where I was. Pain was throbbing through my veins. My vision was damaged and everything appeared blurred. I could hear the waves crashing the shore; what had happened? I thought it was odd you don’t usually get waves in a reservoir; what happened? Man questions rocked my mind. I gripped the ground to try and drag myself to my feet with little strength I had left. I managed to get up… then fell down again as my knees give way. I would describe it as erm; think of your worst hangover and liaises it by one hundred. The heat was unbearable it felt like my skin had been set alight. I heard screams of pain “ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” I did not know who it was. I heard various screams; who was it in pain, I needed to help them yet I couldn’t due to the unbearable pain. I rolled over and buried my head into the ground trying to rid myself of this pain. I felt like I was dying; like I was being dragged to hell then back again.

I then heard another devilish cry but I could identify who it was this time; my dear friend Scott. He screamed “what the hell”… moaning again probably for a fair enough reason this time. I heard Cory squeal; what was happening? Was acid burning us alive? No I could feel it on the inside. I heard an unknown voice scream “Oh my go what happened here” in a intense, worrying tone; I found out later it was a local fisherman who always used this off limits part of the reservoir for its great amount of Trout which lived there/ the reason most thought for the warning signs saying keep out were there. We were unfortunately mistaken. The sound of sirens was coming from the distance getting louder and louder. Then though I saw through my blurred vision Cory scramble to his feet but when he fell it came with a dramatic effect. His legs like mine could not take the weight but the new power put upon him caused a more significant damage.

Cory had been blessed with super strength which kind of matched his personality but his inability to control meant as he went to put his hands out a great deal of his strength was transferred from himself to the ground. This caused a massive tremor of an extended magnitude; the ground shook violently and the sound of surrounding trees crashing to the floor filled my ears. I was still in an extravagant amount of pain. I rolled over and all I could feel was the ground still trembling/ the sun shone brightly into my eyes. I needed to get up; I needed to begin to figure out what was going on or in other words what had went down.

I then felt the screams of Scott batter my eardrum” Jamie, Jamie please get up I need help! There was a great sense of worry in his voice. The pain was beginning to retreat and I felt a great deal of power which I had never before felt. A tingling flowing through my veins, it was wonderful. I however looked around to see the destruction, which had occurred while I had lain. The earthquake decimated the once beautiful tranquil forest. How would Cory of cause it though? I was finally at my feet I saw Lewis and Dan mangled on the floor like a dead corpses however they were still alive as I could hear their bereaving increase dramatically as mine did when the pain was at full strength. David was up but he looked confused; he had lost his glasses but Cory was rushing to his aid although he was not in the best condition stumbling like he had a gammy leg; funny when you look back on it. At this stage he had not realized that it was in deed him who had caused the tremendous large quake, which actually caused two or three fatalities in the area you will have to check, the article attacked later. And the rest of us didn’t really have a clue either.

However when I saw Martin sitting under a tree I knew there was something not right; he looked as if he had gone mad with his eyes set straight ahead and white like a ghost. He looked blank and empty; like the Martin I knew was gone forever more. Where was Joe? Where was Tom? What was going on? I tried to talk to him “ Martin what’s up” I repeated this a couple of Lewis and got no reply I was getting tense, what was wrong with my friend he was acting like a complete weirdo. Then his head tilted slowly and he looked me right in the eye but it felt as if he was not human. He spoke but his voice had changed, it lacked feeling was simple monotone. “Chemicals have penetrated our strands of DNA and changed all of out cellular structure; we will never be the ordinary people again”.
  





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Sat Nov 05, 2011 4:15 pm
Leahweird says...



I have a couple nitpicks. There are a couple typos (a Y in many, a D is god) and you seem to repeat the phrase "a grat deal of power" a little too often. Also, you need to start a new paradraph with each line of dialogue. In fact, I would recommend using for new paragraphs in general. I tend to make my paragrpahs too short though, so that could just be me.

I really like how this scene emphasizes that getting superpwers is not a fun expierience. You a highlighted a real danger with Cory. You might want to pay attention to "secondary superpowers" (ex. to use your superstrength, you need to have some measure of nvulnerabilty or you're going to destroy your own body. Things like that). I just thought I'd mention that, becuase you seem to be using realism as much as possible, and this work seems to focus on how having powers could suck.
  








You are going to love some of your characters because they are you, or some facet of you, and you are going to hate some characters for the same reason.
— Anne Lamott