Well, this is...long. I suppose I'd better sit back and relax . Here goes:
Refus was far too good of a friend to let go Hmm...I'm not too sure about the "of". If I were you, I'd scrap it.
There were times that Lhian wanted ask Refus about it, Typo typo. Hihi :3. By the way, you've already hooked me in. Great job .
Somehow he was entirely confident that he could trust Refus. It just doesn't sound right. I think it'd be better without the "that".
and therefore he felt that he didn't need to help Sorry, yes, I'm nitpicky. Since the previous phrase was in the negative, this one should be as well: therefore he didn't feel the need to help.
prevented Lhian from catching a good look at her face Should it be at or of? Check it out.
They were fervently, extraordinarily blue. Fabulous description .
"Do you think that I am helpless?" she implored Hmm...not implored. Try a more independent-expressing verb.
"I do not require your aid or your pretenses of politeness. I am quite capable of boarding this ship without you." The last word is a bit...out of place. Maybe "without any assistance whatsoever"?
"Captain Bruister's wantin' to see ye in his cabin!" Pirate language isn't modern. Sailors would be insulted if they knew you thought they spoke that way . Aside from the fact that I got the impression that this was a respectable ship, hence implying respectable sailors.
Lhian questioned suspiciously. glancing Typo.
but he'd never lost the groomed mannerisms his aunt had instilled in him. He had turned into a street urchin, but at least he was a charismatic street urchin. Just my type .
"It's my destiny then, is it?" Lhian asked softly. Oh please. This practically screams the word "cliché". Can you imagine saying that to a complete stranger? Maybe something like, "I never knew" and the captain replied briskly, "Well now you do..etc etc.."
you inherited their skills. Your bodyguard simply refined them You said before that Lhian wasn't born to fight, now you are contradicting the very statement. I would say "[...]" *slight pause where the captain puffs out smoke or something, "And so are you. Or so Refus or the aunt said."
He did peer Uh-uh. Try "peered".
She taught you to know them without knowing that you know them. "Without your knowing" would be better.
And with that, she was gone. Too cliché. Maybe, "On that positive note, she flounced out the room." Still cliché, but slightly more plausible I believe.
Well, you have a lot of explaining to do. I'm sorry if I'm going to sound too harsh in saying this, but you started off very well, and ended up sounding like something out of The Three Musketeers. I understand only too well the urge of imitating your favourite writers in your writing, but believe me, you were much better at following your own style. You could tell in which parts the real you was writing, and the parts where you wanted to enlist the safety of famous novelists. If you know where the story is going, who is going to turn out to be who etc, I suppose you'll fare quite well in your adventures. That said...IF you are original in your writing, you have a vast amount of potential you could put to use.
P.S. Sorry for being too cruel. It happens when I like a piece , Palip.
. Here goes: 
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