Young Writers Society

Prologue
It’s a misty cold night. Footsteps crackle on dry leaves. The footsteps raced through the thick fog in the forest. The cold air filled her lungs. A woman, brown skinned with long black wavy hair was running through the thick forest as fast as she could with her baby coiled in her arms. The baby stayed asleep unaware of the dangers around them. The woman was breathing fast as she ran. She was running for her life and the life of the child. She could have just flown away if she wanted, as a vampire she could do lots of things right now, however, her enemies beat and striped her of her powers. Now she’s useless and has no sure way of protecting herself. She was weak but determined to save herself and the child.

Her scars and wounds weren’t as painful as the thought of losing those she loved most. I have to hide, she thought to herself. She kept running until she found cave. She quickly ran towards the cave. Once inside she found a huge bolder and decided to hide the baby behind it. The cave was pitched black but she as able to see with her vampire vision.

She made a bed out of leaves and twigs and placed the baby on top. The baby remained sleeping. She looked at how beautiful her precious child was and tears began to flow down her cheek. She took off a silver wolf fang necklace and placed it around the baby. “This will protect you, little one.” She whispered to the baby. She said a quick prayer and with that she ran back out the cave and into the line of fire. Screams, barks, and violence filled the air until silence was all the baby heard followed by a loud distance howl.

This needs to be put into paragraphs in the worst way. Something like this on paper might work, but the internet maked things harder to read,and huge chunks of text like this are difficult to digest. Also this line "She was weak but determined to save her and the child." might sound better "herself and her child" but that's just my opinion.

Overall, I think the prolougue of the mother being chased and hiding her baby is a little formulaic, but this is fantasy. Things tend to be reused often. You make this unique with her being a vampire stripped of her powers. THAT is the aspect of the story that catches my interest. I want to see whare you go with this.

The first thing that hits me when I read through this is that you're changing tenses, not only within the story but within a single paragraph. You've start in the present, switch to the past, briefly flip to present again for "Now she's useless...", and then carry on in the past for the rest. This kind of thing really throws the reader - try to pick one tense and stick with it for the whole of a piece.

The other thing I'd like to mention is something that you will undoubtedly be very tired of hearing if you spend any length of time in online writing forums, and that is the "show don't tell" mantra. What I mean by that is, you have a really interesting scene going on, which raises lots of questions )Who is the woman? Who are the enemies? How did they strip her of her powers?), but you tell us a list of things that are happening, rather than showing us the scene.

For example...

She could have just flown away if she wanted, as a vampire she could do lots of things right now, however, her enemies beat and striped her of her powers. Now she’s useless and has no sure way of protecting herself. She was weak but determined to save herself and the child.

Here, you are telling us that she's a vampire, telling us what has happened, telling us that it makes her useless, and telling us that she's determined. To show this instead, try imagining the scene is a film. Most films don't have a voice telling the audience what the characters are thinking; they show it through what can be seen. Try describing the film scene. Perhaps something like...

"She gave a little jump in mid-stride, but landed heavily back on the earth - no use. Still no flight. They really meant it when they said they'd stripped her powers. And what use was a vampire without those? Stumbling, legs shaky, she tried another burst of speed, clutching the child to her chest."

(Of course, I'm not you - I can't tell what you were going for in this scene, so please consider this to be just and example of how to show the reader what's going on in a slightly more implicit manner.)

Overall, I think that the idea here is really interesting; I'm intrigued by the situation and interested to know what happens next. I think that in terms of execution it could use some revision and rewriting, but the story itself is starting well.

It’s a misty cold night. Footsteps crackle on dry leaves. Word choice should be edited, something more like "Cold feet dropped hard on the fallen leaves, they crackled and spurred with the roughness of the lunge... Idk... add more its just very limited to what is happening, and not enough imagery. The footsteps raced through the thick fog in the forest. The cold air filled her lungs. A woman, brown skinned with long black wavy hair was running through the thick forest as fast as she could with her baby coiled I love the use of the word coied in these sentacel in her arms. The baby stayed asleep unaware of the dangers around them. The woman was breathing fast as she ran ran is very over used, use another word, such as jolted, spinted, or galloped. She was running for her life and the life of the child Love the suspense this adds!. She could have just flown away if she wanted, as a vampire she could do lots of things right now, however, her enemies beat and striped her of her powers.this part was very forward, add a little mistery and take out exatlly saying vampire or powers. "She could have just flown away but at a time like this, that was impossable; when she had been stripped down of the onlything seperating her raise from mortals" Now she’s useless and has no sure way of protecting herself. She was weak but determined to save herself and the child.

Her scars and wounds weren’t as painful as the thought of losing those she loved most. I have to hide, Itelisize it so we know it is not part of the normal script. You are using first person there not third like the the reast of the storyshe thought to herself. She kept running until she found cave. She quickly ran towards the cave. Once inside she found a huge bolder and decided to hide the baby behind it. The cave was pitched black but she as able to see with her vampire vision.you are telling again, you need to show what is happening

She made a bed out of leaves and twigs and placed the baby on top. The baby remained sleeping. She looked at how beautiful her precious child was and tears began to flow down her cheek. She took off a silver wolf fang necklace and placed it around the baby. “This will protect you, little one.” She whispered to the baby. She said a quick prayer and with that she ran back out the cave and into the line of fire. Screams, barks, and violence filled the air until silence was all the baby heard followed by a loud distance howl.

This was a great way to start the story! I love the Prologue! The way you add so much suspense to what will happen next, it makes the reader what to flip the page and start the next chapter, that is the type of book you want, the one the reader never wants to put down.

I noticed you did a lot of telling. She did this, she did that ect. You need to show the reader. So for example, instead of saying.

She climbed a tree.

Say something like.

She knelt beside a large oak tree, it was like a beast compared to her. Her small fragile body clambered its way to the top. Hand after hand reaching for another rough branch. When she was at the top she stopped, and stared out at the horizon. Mountians gaily rolled over one another and the sun set projecting reds, pinks and oranges into the sky.

This way you are giving the reader more to picture and in the end, you fill up more pages which is obviously one of the harder things to do when writing a novel

I am not trying to be rude, I just want to help, and I hope this did help Happy writing and I am looking forward to the chapter to come

Thank you all for all your reviews and feedback =) I really appreciate it and I'm eternally grateful. I'm new to this whole writing stories so I need all the help i can get lol. I will work on all your advice and re- do it as well as use the tips on the up coming chapters. Again thank you all =)