Young Writers Society

Author's note: I know this isn't a lot, and I know it doesn't look like a fantasy story yet, but it will be.

Great. I was suspended again. This was the third time and there way no way I was getting off the hook with my parents this time. I was surprised the school hadn't kicked me out yet, to be honest.

"Awesome," I mumbled, shouldering my backpack. Three days off school, just what I needed. For somebody else, it would be the cherry on top of a sundae, but for me, those three days were going to be like pouring salt into a barely healed wound.

As I walked down the deserted halls of Madison High, I noticed that every other light was out, which was weird because our school tended to be a bit anal about things like that. The remaining lights started flickering and finally went off, leaving me surrounded in darkness, save for a few windows at the end of the hall where some light streamed in.

Using the wall was a guide, I continued down the hallway. They shouldn't have been closing the school already. School only got out an hour ago, for which the whole time I was being lectured by Mrs. Snowood, our principle. Did she pack up and leave already, along with everybody else?

I picked up the pace a little, afraid that they would lock the doors since they already turned out the lights. Thankfully, the doors were unlocked and I was squinting into the bright light of the sun.

Sighing, I turned sharply to go to my car and ran right into somebody.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I-"

When I looked into the stranger's face, there was something weird. Maybe it was the way his gorgeous deep blue eyes studied my face or the way his hand came out to steady me, wouldn%u2019t be able to tell ya. I could tell he was about my age, maybe a little older.

"You're fine," he said. "Totally my fault."

I blinked, feeling like I just woke up from a really weird dream. Recovering, I gave him a small smile and stepped around him.

"Hey, wait, he called." I stopped and turned around to face him. He put a hand over his eyes to shield from the sun. "I'm Blake."

"Sydney," I replied.

"Nice to meet you Sydney. See ya around." He grinned and turned to go into the school. As soon as he touched the door handle, the lights went back on.

Hey hi! Welcome to YWS! I'm GryphonFledgling, and I'll be your reviewer today.

First off, is your main character a boy or a girl? I honestly couldn't tell, because I'm not really given any gender indicators in the story itself, beyond one mention of the stranger boy's eyes that makes me think "girl", and "Sydney" is kind of gender-ambiguous when it comes to names. So yeah, guy or girl? Just a teensy bit more indication would be awesome, because I don't want to assume anything.

Three days off school, just what I needed.

Okay, at first, I wasn't quite sure if this was meant to be sarcastic or not. I mean, at first, I thought maybe this genuinely was just what your character needed. Sarcasm can be difficult to convey in text format because a lot of the tone of voice is lost, so yeah, I totally read it literally at first. The next line clarifies things a bit, but by then, I was confused because of the sudden shift in tone. This sounds really nitpicky, but it honestly threw me for a bit.

Maybe expand on it a little? Why would three days out of school be bad? Maybe something like "Three days off school. Just what I needed with my less than stellar grades." Just a little tweaking that makes it clear that the character is being sarcastic. We haven't gotten to know anything or anyone and so this is our first introduction to the tone of the story. It needs to be really clear or else the audience is going to be confused.

leaving me surrounded in darkness

How late is it? Are there windows? If it is only afternoon as "an hour after school lets out" leads me to believe, for it to be dark out is kinda weird. Is it pitch black or is there light filtering in from outside?

They shouldn't have been closing the school already.

And even when they do close schools for the night, they tend to leave the lights on inside at least the hallways and such as a security measure. So yeah, this is weird.

Also, your character seems to be responding to this whole thing very calmly. What is going through their head? Are they freaked out at all? Do they care? Is it just idle curiosity? I'd like to get in their head a little more, flesh them out as a character. As of right now, all we know is that they have been suspended and are maybe a touch sarcastic. How does this person feel about being suspended? I mean, obviously not happy, but why? Do they like school? What are they suspended for? Do they really care? Why? I just want to get to know this person a little better and instead, I'm kind of being zoomed along with the action.

I blinked, feeling like I just woke up from a really weird dream.

Again, zooming along with the action. I know you say that it is a vague feeling of something strange, but can you describe it a bit more? Like, compare it to what? How did it feel like it was a dream? Did things slow down? Did they go hazy? Did she just not remember things, as if they were sort of drifting by? I just want a little more detail here, a little more immersion.

"Hey, wait, he called."

Little typo bit here. "Hey, wait," he called. Yeah, otherwise we're confused as to when he stops talking. Also, why is he calling after her? I mean, why does he feel the need to introduce himself to her? I get that perhaps he is mysterious and we need to have a name to call him by or something, but this just seems out of the blue here. I mean, why call out to introduce yourself to someone you just ran into? Why not continue on with your life? Seems like a kind of weak excuse for an introduction.

He put a hand over his eyes to shield from the sun.

This, on the other hand, I love. Just this little detail for some reason makes me melt.

As soon as he touched the door handle, the lights went back on.

Dun dun duuunnnnn...

I'm intrigued. As you say, there isn't much fantasy yet, but I'm willing to sit around and see when it kicks in!

Yep, there's a review for you! If you have any questions or comments for me, by all means, drop me a PM or leave a note on my wall!

Looking forward to seeing you around the site!

~Gryph

Gryphon has done a decent line-by-line of this, so I'll go ahead and go for an overall review.

I actually have no problem with the whole lights turning off thing, or with the sarcasm in the voice. I think it adds character. Problem is, the character's voice is too soft. It's getting there, but it's not strong enough. It's only slightly distinctive - there's nothing completely noticeable about it yet. Your character doesn't sound compelling enough for me to wish to spend my time in her head for the entire novel.

Think about it. If you have to stay in someone's head for an entire novel, you'd definitely pick someone interesting, right? Exactly. So you're going to have to prove to me that Sydney sounds interesting, and she's different - someone worth staying with for the duration of the entire novel. I don't have to necessarily like her - I just have to find her compelling enough company to stay with for an entire novel.

Sure she's sarcastic, but this is a trait lots of other people have. Why should I stay with you, with her, for the novel? Why not someone else? Prove to me she's more than a little sarcastic and deviant, and you'll win the reader over. Winning the reader over thanks to voice will essentially assure you the reader will forgive a few other weaknesses in writing.

You've the start of a decent person - you seem to grasp it somewhat. There are thoughts scattered here and there, and there's no, 'I thought', which is good. However, like Gryphon pointed out, they're kind of lacking anyway. More would be nice. The more thoughts, the better a feel the reader has for your character. The better a feel the reader has for your character, the more the reader will empathize (or at least sympathize) with your MC. That's always a good thing.

Besides, thoughts make your character feel much more real, and your character will start feeling less like a character and more like a breathing person.

Next point I'll bring up also has something to do with your writing. It's kind of flat. It goes: this happened, then this happened, then this happened. The further I get, the more laundry-list like it becomes. In the beginning, you pulled the right strings - voice, check. Thoughts? Check. Emotions? Check. Then later on it kind of wavers and eventually disappears altogether towards the end. Read the beginning of your chapter. It's pretty strong. Now compare it to the prose at the end. The end will seem sort of lackluster because you just went: she did this, then this happened, and then this happened. No more thoughts, no more emotions. Just plain narration.

Work with the reader. Give the reader a sense of the world, and more emotions to hang on to. The reader's numb. You're going to have to warm him/her up by showing emotions and thoughts.

Your plot moves so fast it's kind of flat. It went downhill after she met the guy, really. You just got so engrossed in the story you forgot to pay attention to your main character. I'd like more thoughts, more reactions, more descriptions. Don't rely on just visuals - this paints a picture, not a world. As writers, we'd like to drag our readers into a world and make them believe it's real. Go outside and take a picture. Stay for a bit, soak in the world - listen to the sounds, feel the wind, breathe in the air - then go back inside. Then look at the picture.

Looking at the picture is a much weaker experience than actually being there, right?

Similarly, you want to engage all of your reader's senses so you'll have a complete world, not just a picture. Is it cold outside the building? Does she hear strange sounds while she's walking down the hall, or is it just her footsteps echoing down the hallway? Does she her heart thump against her chest? Or maybe it stills stinks of sweat when she passes by the locker rooms?

Little details and things like these, they make the setting come to life. Remember, little but unique bits go a long way. No need to launch into paragraphs of description - just give enough details here and there, and the reader's mind will fill in the rest on its own.


Also, I'd like to advise you on one last thing. Try not to idealize the guy so much. Or focus too much on eyes. It's a dead giveaway for the person being either a. the main love interest, or b. the big bad. This makes things predictable, and makes the reader think he/she knows what's going to happen. We don't want that, because the moment the reader thinks he/she knows what will happen (especially early on in the story), his/her motivation to read the book drops by a looot. ^^"

Anyway, interesting start! You've got a better grasp on first person than most people I've seen around, so kudos to that. Hope you find this review helpful~ PM me if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

Octave