Young Writers Society

Susan flung herself on the bed and sobbed as hard as she could. The fake, the fake woman! she cried mentally. She clenched her fists and swung them, hitting the bed as hard as she could. Tears poured down her sweet face and onto the plain brown covers. She cried harder as she thought about Eric and all the other children in her class, laughing at her, just because she had said, "John had had to go back to the bathroom." What was wrong with that? She just had said, "had" two times! Oh, the terror. Susan cried and sobbed her arms still flailing and crushing the bed.
The Mama had been so mean to her, just because she got a B. It was a simple B! My Mama wouldn't do such a thing. she thought sadly to herself, stopping to sit down on the bed and recline. Mama Mama Mama Mama. Everybody talked about Mama. Was she really that pretty, as pretty as her? Was she kind and grieved for Jacque? I wish I had a Papa. Susan cried, her hands covering the moist tears falling down.
Susan stopped, looking around and wondering why she had started crying in the first place. She stared at the white plastered room, with no ponies or rock singers. It was completely bare, except for one thing. Mama's love. she immediately thought, a smile coming to her lips. Mama. Susan leaped off the bed and landed quickly on the ground, cluttering to push her wooden drawer away to reveal a small scribbling in pink ink. She touched the words, feeling each curve, each line of cursive.

Susie, Susie, Susie. So that was her name. Susan stared at the scribbling silently, and hearing Mama's footsteps, she pushed back the drawer and flung back onto her bed. She yelped silently as the covers scratched her delicate face. Mama opened the door, smiling gallantly and holding out her arms. She was dressed in a big, flowery dress, with a background of dark blue. She wore a straw hat that covered her eyes and ears. She pulled back the hat, showing her lovely green eyes and straight, red hair.
"What's your name?" Susan asked suddenly, her voice becoming as pleading as yesterday.
The woman stopped, dropping her arms to her sides and replied, "My name is Elizabeth Gasterr, dear."
"Fine then, I will call you Elizabeth."
"Oh, fine. A little friend is waiting for you on the front porch. She's a peculiar one, she is." Elizabeth replied, her grin growing wider as Susan passed her.
Susan ran down the hallway, unlocked the door and pulled her hardest to heave the door open. She stood there, staring at her identical twin.

Hi there! Yes, I'm back! Your grammar was great, the control over the topic was fantastic, I have one grammar bone to pick with you --

katngo73 wrote:My Mama wouldn't do such a thing. she thought sadly to herself

That full stop should be a comma, then I'm happy!

katngo73 wrote:She's a peculiar one, she is." Elizabeth replied

Same thing here.
I liked it, but the ending was a bit bland -- try creative punctuation to draw it out, or describe the moment of their meeting in more detail to capture the moment.

Overall picture: can't wait for the next one!