Young Writers Society

First Dawn




Many years ago, my family has believed that an angel fell from the sky. Looking for someone that was going to listen to her story; even though she was beaten she still searched. This angel has run from many of the people of this world, for no one believes her. Now this angel is running, from the church.

The angel panted heavily, as she ran through the forest. she didn’t dare to look back; she looked for a way to escape from the forest.This might be the end for me, she thought to herself. She stopped to catch her breath and hid for a while, then when she heard men yelling she knew that she had to move. The young injured angel ran once more, until she came to a cliff.

What am I to do? she thought.

The yells of the men became clearer; it was to jump of to die by the tip of the sword. The young angel did not know what to do, “I saw her running towards here!!” one of the men yelled out. She inhaled and sat down she wept and waited for them to come and get her. the animals of the night came close to her; a pack of wolves came to her aid. The leader nudge her with his nuzzle, “It’s alright its not going to be the first village that has beaten me.” dogs began to bark and the men’s yells became more louder, she covered her ears.

“There’s thy witch!” one of the men yelled out.

The young angel looked at them and glared at them, “I’m not a witch! i am the messenger of god! my name is Adonia, and god is my father!” the villagers yelled at her and held onto the leash of there dogs. The wolves stood there ground and barked at the people back from her. “Lying witch how dare you use the name of our holy father in vain?!” Everyone shouted in agreement. a priest emerged from the crowd dressed in white and red robes. Adonia said nothing she knew it was pointless to continue on fighting. The wolves growled even more furious when the priest came close to her. Adonia looked deeper into the priest’s soul and noticed that he was marked with evil. “Sinner . . .” she said softly. The priest looked at her and rose his hand and then slapped her, then she turned her face to her other cheek.

“I will not fight ye, I will just turn my other cheek.” she said again softly.

The young wolf bit the priest’s leg then pushed Adonia off the cliff; the wolves looked down and ran into the forest. The villagers gasped and looked over the cliff, Adonia looked up at them scared. “Do not worry for my father will save me!!”

i love this but is this the start because if it is i would just like to see more of what the character looks like. but i like how theres hope still left in the end of this.

This is really great so far! I love it how you started it. With the whole mystery behind the angel and her story, it just made the girl seem interesting. Some of it seems a little repetitive. For example, in the second paragraph, you had mentioned the forest a lot. There's nothing wrong with wanting people to know that she's in a forest, but I don't think you needed to have put it twice. There are a lot of commas, but I think most of them are alright where they are. Maybe just check a few of them out and make sure they're in the right place? There are some spelling mistakes, but that's alright. Nobody is perfect at all. Overall, I must say that it was quite interesting and it made me want to read more of it. I hope you keep writing!

~Sincerely,
Wolfe

This is really nice. It is very interesting and it makes me want to read more. I would like to see more detail of the character so I can picture it in my head but I'm sure that is coming in the following chapters but you've caught my attention with the story so great job. =)

This is a good start, you are having some issues though. For one thing, you tense is fluctuating wildly. I think this is mostly caused by you starting as if your telling a story about the past, from first person, and then switching into a close third person present about the angel. I decide which one to use and fix this accordingly. Also, you need to be careful to start a new paragraph for each line of dialogue.