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Moonlight (Chapter 2)



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Sat Oct 22, 2011 7:31 am
irsyad23 says...



Chapter 2

Rufus walked hastily through the forest, alone. He’d dreamed about Tom’s where about. Based on his instinct, he was sure going to the right path.

“Stay away from here!” a loud menacing voice of a man heard. He was all blanked at first, but he gained more alarmed as he saw the figure himself. A man in black was sprinting towards him. He could not think of anything at that precise moment. His mind was frozen and his he was unable to make even a single move.

The Hunter stopped in front of him and turned back, observing in case the witch was already near. He looked very protective. The stubble on his chin made Rufus reminded the face of Tom.

“What happened?” he asked. He noticed his voice quiver.

“I want you to run away south! If the witch catches you, she will kill you for sure!” The Hunter continued, “I’ll lag the witch here!”

His panic voice clearly heard in the open area of the forest. Clearly, he got no time to explain anything.

It was dark that the only source of light was the moon. They were surrounded by tall trees bald ground.

Rufus seemed to be confused. He didn’t get what he meant. He knew exactly how dangerous a witch was because his mother had told him before. To his surprise, The Hunter reached another gun from his protective coat.

“Take this, child! Run away and protect yourself!” he handed the gun to him.

Rufus could feel the aura of the gun. It was black, heavy with two gold stripes on its grip, looking very luxury. His hand was shaking because it was his first time holding a gun. Moreover, it was not an ordinary gun but a Hunter gun.

There was no time left to stall. The witch figure emerged from the thick fog in front of them. She landed confidently in front both of them after a playful laugh heard.

The Hunter pushed Rufus to his back to signal him to run.

There’s no way to run.

The witch thought again. It became clearer every step she move closer to them. The Hunter lifted up his gun, pointing to the witch and he quickly trigged it. The witch was fast enough to dodge the bullet. She’d learnt that the bullet couldn’t be blocked.

Rufus turned back and sprinted into the mist, veiling him from the witch’s sight. She scowled as she ignored the Hunter, leaping towards Rufus. Yet another shot made, which force her to stop.

Corpus alica tincidunt!

The witch’s spell made the Hunter locked. Even a single muscle movement was heavy for him. He was a professional Hunter, yet the spell that was triggered on him was even more powerful.

“Not an ordinary witch!” he thought.

The witch rushed towards Rufus. The desire to take human for sacrificing tool raging inside of her. The witch never got the opportunity to attack human ever like this, solitarily. Before, human kept protecting each other. This time, for sure she would catch him.


Rufus slotted the gun in his trouser, running as fast as he could, panicked, as if he really did understood the situation by the time. His worn-out shoes stomped vigorously onto the forest’s floor, leaving obvious footprints. He didn’t expect the witch would came so fast, as he was taken aback to hear the dreadful witch’s sinister laugh.

The witch landed dramatically in front of him, locking him in his position, terrified.

“Do not run, mortal. You’ll be mine.” She proclaimed, staring solidly into his eyes.

The witch was a woman with graying hair, pale skin with green eyes. Rufus would acknowledge her as a normal woman if she was walking in the street, because she looked pretty normal. Witch was a good disguiser.

Da immortalitate animae tuae!
‘Give me immortality from your soul!’


Rufus didn’t notice the slightest movement of her mouth, yet the hissing sound could be heard clearly in that area. He observed the weird gesture she made; releasing some sparks which he had no idea of it.

His legs were still shaking, fear of that creature.

‘The greatest fear is the fear itself’ Rufus recalled her mother’s advice, the one she always said when he was afraid.

“I’m not scared, I’m not scared” he thought over and over to diminish his fear. He then reached for the gun, pointing it quickly to her while dashing to his left. The witch startled and groaned.

He fired the gun, for the first time, making him pushed backwards due to the opposing forces. The witch didn’t really expect him to really firing the gun. She fell to the ground in trial to evade the bullet.

The witch looked at him in terror, as if he was someone dangerous to her, as if she recognised him.

Rufus figure was dark because the moon was shimmering behind him, shadowing his face as he point the gun to the witch.

“Please, don’t hurt me, Marcus!” she pleaded. Sweats ran slowly on side of her head. She was startled.
Marcus was not even his name. Rufus’s frame reminded her of another man, supposedly dangerous. Her concentrations on the spell she triggered on The Hunter interrupted, making him free.

Hunter rushed all the way, at the same time wondering what strong power had made the witch weak. As he arrived at the scene, he caught a glimpse of Rufus with the moon behind him. At that precise moment, he knew it wasn’t a strong power. It was Rufus who created it.
Last edited by irsyad23 on Fri Nov 25, 2011 2:12 pm, edited 3 times in total.
If you can't fly, then run. If you can't run, then walk. If you can't walk then crawl. No matter how hard it is, just keep moving forward.
  





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Tue Oct 25, 2011 2:41 pm
bryan says...



First off this was intense i loved it. Especially this part:

He fired the gun, for the first time, making him pushed backwards due to the opposing forces. The witch didn’t really expect him to really firing the gun. She fell to the ground in trial to evade the bullet.

The witch looked at him in terror, as if he was someone dangerous to her, as if she recognised him.

Rufus figure was dark because the moon was shimmering behind him, shadowing his face as he point the gun to the witch.

“Please, don’t hurt me, Marcus!” she pleaded. Sweats ran slowly on side of her head. She was startled.

Marcus was not even his name. Rufus’s frame reminded her of another man, supposedly dangerous. Her concentrations on the spell she triggered on The Hunter interrupted, making him free.

Hunter rushed all the way, at the same time wondering what strong power had made the witch weak. As he arrived at the scene, he caught a glimpse of Rufus with the moon behind him. At that precise moment, he knew it wasn’t a strong power but only some mega coincident, seemed made by Rufus.

I liked the action and suspense. you kept me wondering what would happen next and thats great when your writing fantasy novels. dude youre awesome and already at fifteen! man inspiration you've got it. That it factor. Publish this work man you absolutely have to!
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Wed Nov 23, 2011 1:04 pm
Tenyo says...



Ello again.

I'm going to nitpick my way through this one.

"gun, pointing to the // witch and he quickly trigged it. " < I don't know what this is supposed to be, but you seem to have a line break where there looks like there should be more text.

"His mind was frozen and his leg was kind of locked" < Kind of? Like 'sort of' and 'around' or 'about,' these words make the meaning of your phrase more vague, which means less impact. They're just extra words that you don't really need, so it's best to get rid of them all together.

"...looked pretty normal. Witch was a good disguiser." < Should be 'the witch.'

"The witch didn’t really expect him to really firing the gun..." < 'Didn't really expect' is another one of those times when you can take out a word and it will still make sense, but the sentence will be stronger. Also, 'Firing' should be 'fire,' present tense.

"At that precise moment, he knew it wasn’t a strong power but only some mega coincident, seemed made by Rufus." < I stared at it, and again, but I can't figure out what this sentence is supposed to mean. Maybe you could rephrase it.

I found it hard to enjoy this part mainly because of the amount of errors in it. Most of them could probably be weeded out through a more careful editing process. Sure, you're not expected to be perfect, but there are some silly and obvious mistakes here that make your work seem quite carelessly written.

As for the plot progression, I kind of like the idea of Rufus disappearing in the beginning, because I was trying to figure out which of the other characters he would bump into. There's a lot of action in this, which is good, but don't forget to keep up that description.
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The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what Fiction means.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest