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Young Writers Society


Chapter One- yet to be named



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Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:14 pm
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briggsy1996 says...



She didn’t say it out loud, but I was nearly 100 percent sure that my mother was not happy with me. It was either that, or the waiter had put something unpleasant in her tea. It wasn’t hard to guess; my mother was an open book.
“How’s the tea?” I asked, just to be certain.
She cleared her throat before answering, “Its fine, Lorelei.”
I pursed my lips. Why on earth would she be angry with me? I wracked my brain for anything that I’d said or done over the past few days that could’ve unnerved her, but I drew a blank.
Outside the cafe, an array of opaque clouds blocked any chance of the sun shining through. I could feel a storm coming. Like we needed anymore rain.
“Lorelei, can you pass me the sugar?”
I handed the canister to her wordlessly. I was still thinking about what I could’ve possibly done to upset her. I had invited her out for lunch to tell her some life changing news; she didn’t have any right to be distressed yet. Unless her mother senses told her that something objectionable was on its way...
“Mom, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
She stirred her tea with an obviously fake smile. “Yes, dear?”
“Well, you know that I’m graduating this year...”
“Yes.” She said in an ominous tone. She knew where this was headed. We were both simply beading about the bush.
“I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do with my life lately. It’s so hard to find work this day in age, what with all the poverty and illness. I consider myself lucky.” I mused, my eyes gazing back to the dark clouds in the faraway sky.
“Yes, we are all lucky, Lorelei.” There was something in her voice that told me she didn’t mean what she’d said.
“I digress,” I sighed, “but the point I am getting at is that I want to make a difference. I could be a lawyer, like dad, or I could be a teacher, like you. Both of those jobs are equally contributing to our society in a positive way, but I really want to change life. I look out at the streets, and there are children living in alleyways, picking through garbage cans in order to stay alive. It’s sad. And it’s all because of the plagues, mom. These children are homeless because their parents have been obliterated by the plagues.”
I could feel her eyes stare into me. She was trying to understand where my thoughts were, exactly. I was having a hard time just coming out with it. It wasn’t something you say over tea and biscuits, but I wasn’t sure how else I could tell her.
“There are so many signs that society as we know it is falling apart.” I told her sternly, turning to look into her grey eyes. “You are a teacher, mom. I know for a fact that you are told not to teach such things to your students, but you have to realize that we don’t live in a perfect world. It’s been demolished by war, hundreds upon hundreds of years ago, and we’ve only just recently rose up-“
“Lorelei!” My mother said in a harsh voice. “Who has told you such nonsense.”
I lowered my face, and looked up at her through my eyelashes. “I found an old textbook in the school storage room. It dates back to the earlier 2000’s, and I knew it was wrong to read it, but it was so interesting, and I couldn’t help myself. You’d be so amazed, mom, of what happened back then.”
My mother’s eyes hardened. Her mouth turned down into a defining frown. She slammed her fist on the table. “Nonsense, Lorelei. I have never in my entire life heard such nonsense. You must forget all that you read in those foolish books and never speak of this to anybody.”
I stared at her incredulously. “Mother, you of all people should know that this is the truth. We have a right to know the truth about what happened-“
“No!” My mother stood from her chair. “It’s all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong! I don’t want to hear another word of it, Lorelei.”
I tried to calm her. “Sit back down, mom. I’m sorry for upsetting you. I promise never to bring it up again. What I was getting at is that I found a career that I want to pursue.”
She looked vaguely interesting in what I was saying. She brushed herself off, sat back down and waited patiently.
“You know how I liked to take in sick birds as a kid? Back before we learned that they were plague carriers?”
My mom nodded.
“And how I liked to try and figure out what was wrong with them?”
She seemed to recall, for she noted, “And you never cried when they died. You just buried them in the back yard and moved on.”
I nodded. “Exactly. You see, with my high science marks in school, it would be easy to get a job as a scientist. I could help find cures for the plagues. Help society get back on its feet again.”
Mom seemed encouraged by this. “Why, Lorelei! This is wonderful news! My daughter,” She mused to herself, “a scientist.”
From the corner of my eye, I noticed the door to the cafe swing wide open. I turned my head to see who it was, and instantly regretted it.
As if something so ironic would happen...
“Lorelei Vinson,” A voice, so deep and rich that it reminded me of a cup of freshly brewed coffee, spoke my name. I didn’t dare look up.
My mother tensed up. She cleared her throat cautiously. “Good afternoon, Conrad. How are you today?”
Conrad laughed lightly. “I’m well, Mrs. Vinson. Just come in to warm up. It’s horrible weather we’re having, isn’t it?”
My mother nodded absently. “Yes, it is. How are things at the lab?”
Conrad shrugged. “Alright. The number of deaths are increasing daily, unfortunately. But the scientists in the lab are progressing greatly, I assure you. I only examine the bodies, Mrs. Vinson. I’m not much help in the lab.”
She chuckled in what I knew to be disgust, hidden cleverly for Conrad’s sake. “Thanks for the update, dear. I see you’ve met my daughter, Lorelei.”
“Yes,” Conrad said. I looked up to see him looking at me with an expecting smile. “I met her yesterday at the interview. I must say how pleased I am to have her join the program. Such a smart daughter, you have. It’s a privilege to have her.”
Every ounce of colour drained from my mother’s face. Her eyes widened to the size of golf balls. She stood up so rapidly that her chair flew out from under her and skidded across the cafe’s floor. The waitress looked our way, opened her mouth to offer help, but saw my mother’s expression and shimmied back into the kitchen. Wise of her.
“Lorelei Vinson,” I my mother whispered. “I-I thought you said you were going to be a scientist.”
I swallowed back the lump in my throat. “It is science mother. It’s a very technical science, forensic analysis.”
My mother looked as though she might fall over. “Lorelei! There are plagues out there,” she pointed towards the window, “killing off half of the population, and you’ve decided you want to be a coroner?”
I was glad that the cafe was empty at this point. Aside from Conrad, that is, who was now staring down awkwardly at the restaurant’s textile.
“Mom, let me explain. It’s completely safe! There provide daily medical care to ensure that I don’t get sick, and I have full benefits after two years.”
“Two years!” She shrieked. “Lorelei, I cannot allow you to do this! You aren’t even eighteen yet! You have years to think about this! Your father and I will provide for you until you think of a reasonable career.” She paused and looked to Conrad. “With all do respects, son.”
He shook his head with what I guessed was an amused smile. I fought to look away- he was rather good looking. “Of course, Mrs. Vinson.”
“Mom,” I said angrily, “This is the career I’ve chosen. I start the program next week. I go after school until 11 and then fulltime on the weekends. It’ll be several months of training, but I get paid very well.”
My mother burst into hysterics. “You- you can’t! I won’t allow it. I won’t- I-“ She pushed past me towards the door and turned to look back at me. “You’d better find yourself new living arrangements young lady. I’ll have your things on the front porch by sundown.”
What sun? I thought dryly, but didn’t respond as I watched her leave and scurry towards her car.
“Well,” Conrad commented after a few minutes of uncomforting stillness, “I guess it’s just you and me, kid.”
I glared at him. His brown eyes bore into mine. I recalled staring into them at the interview, unable to look away as I answered his skill testing questions. He couldn’t have been much older than me- he’d moved into the region several months ago, and became the talk of the town easily. Nobody knew where he came from or what his story was. I was too afraid to ask.
Yet looking at him now, I realized he had very suddenly became the only person I had on my side. So instead of being sarcastic or snarky, like I would’ve been any other time, I simply nodded and looked out towards the dark clouds that kept rolling closer and closer. Thunder shook the cafe and a downpour started up outside. Lovely.
I should’ve taken the clouds as a sign.


Spoiler! :
This is the first chapter in it's roughest form. I've barely edited it, so any input would be appreciated. Also, I really want this to take place in the distant future, so any advice on how to make it seem more futuristic would be great too! Rip it apart- I am here to learn :)
but the sky is love and i am for you
just so long and long enough
-E.E. Cummings
  





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Fri Oct 21, 2011 11:48 pm
GeeLyria says...



Hi Briggsy! I'm Solly, and I'm here to review your piece. :)

First off, I should say that I love this. Your characters' seem real. The main character's name is lovely, and she has a beautiful and interesting personality. Your writing is catchy and very well written. The only thing I'd tell you is to check your punctuation twice. Other than that, it's great. Keep it up!

briggsy1996 wrote:She cleared her throat before answering, “It's fine, Lorelei.”

There should be an apostrophe in "It's".

briggsy1996 wrote:I had invited her out for lunch to tell her some life changing news; she didn’t have any right to be distressed yet. Unless her mother senses told her that something objectionable was on its way...

Hahah. Beautiful, I love this sentences. Though, I don't think the eclipses are necessary. ^_^

briggsy1996 wrote:“Yes.” She said in an ominous tone.

The red period should be a comma. :)

briggsy1996 wrote:“I digress,” I sighed, “but the point I am getting at is that I want to make a difference.

Unlike before, the red comma here should be a period. In dialogs you're supposed to use a comma only when you're going to say things like, "she said", "she yelled", "she whispered", "she explained", etc.


briggsy1996 wrote:“Lorelei!” My mother said in a harsh voice. “Who has told you such nonsense.

I think the red period should be a question mark.

~Solly<3
Noob is a state of being, not a length of time. ~Ego

"Serás del tamaño de tus pensamientos; no te permitas fracasar."
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 12:36 am
Stori says...



She didn’t say it out loud, but I was nearly 100 percent sure that my mother was not happy with me. It was either that, or the waiter had put something unpleasant in her tea. It wasn’t hard to guess; my mother was an open book.

“How’s the tea?” I asked, just to be certain.


Good introduction; it made me laugh.

Like we needed anymore rain.


I'm not sure, but maybe "any more" ought to be two words.

this day in age


In this day and age. No big deal.

“Yes.” She said in an ominous tone.


So what is it with this? Just a simple "Yes, she said" works quite well.
  





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Sat Oct 22, 2011 1:49 am
shloka19 says...



Hey!
I really like your piece- the characters seem real, and I love, love, love dystopian fiction.

briggsy1996 wrote: We were both simply beading about the bush.



I think you meant to say beating aroung the bush.

I really liked the references to the storm clouds throughout the chapter; they added an extra dimension to it.

briggsy1996 wrote:Such a smart daughter, you have.

I think the comma is misplaced. I think "Such a smart daughter you have" sounds just fine by itself.

Other than that, I think your writing is really good! I can't wait to see how you go forward with this.
“Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?’ Actually, who am I not to be?”--Marianne Williamson
  








Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green