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My Dark Angel- Chapter One



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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1216
Reviews: 26
Wed Oct 19, 2011 10:58 pm
youngwolf1105 says...



“Hey Regalia, are you okay?” My best friend, Carmen, asked. Her Latin features moved into a puppy-dog face. That day she had her waist-length, dark brown hair tied into a braid. Her make-up was done in soft brown tones and natural colors. She wore a red, v-necked shirt with skinny jeans and white high-tops. She sat on my couch and un-braided her hair. It fell into long waves down her back.
“No, my life sucks! The only good thing about it is you and Dex. But that’s it. I don’t have a boyfriend, not that I even want one, and my parents never pay any attention to me or Ashley, I basically have nothing to live for. I might as well kill myself! No one would notice.” I replied as I sat next to Carmen. I ran a brush through my long, black hair. My icy, blue eyes looked into Dex’s deep, brown eyes.
“Now come on! It’s only Monday. Wait awhile and see. It’ll get better, I promise.” My other best friend, Dex says. It didn’t.
At work the next day, it was super busy. I’d worked at a local pool. It was the last day that we were open, thank God! The weatherman said that there was to be no more warm or hot weather. Just cool weather from there on out. I was kind of glad, yet kind of not. I’d needed the activity to keep me busy. But hey, I could sleep in! Those were the only ups and downs I could think of.
This year I will be a senior. Then I’ll be off to college. I’ll probably like college, but my high school years have sucked! I was cheated on my freshman year and I lost the only man I’d ever loved. Then my sophomore year, my best friend and boyfriend died in a car accident. Then my junior year, when my parents earned all of their millions of dollars, they paid less and less attention to Ashley and I. Wonder what’ll happen to me this year?
Later, when I’d gotten home, I sat down on my couch and turned the TV on. The weather reporter walked on to the screen. Apparently the cold was coming in faster. Just to say, the weatherman’s prediction was very incorrect. We all found out the next day to wear a coat instead of a light jacket, as he had recommended. Boy was he an idiot! They fired him soon after that broadcast.
The morning the cold came, I awoke to see the thermostat reveal that it was 54 degrees in my room. I jumped out of bed, put on my house coat and make a mad dash for the thermostat. I bumped it up to 80 degrees. I slowly walked down the stairs to my living room as the grandfather clock in the hallway chimed seven times. I walk to the fireplace and light a fire. I laid down on the couch and to watch a movie on TV. But before long, the fire’s warmth lulled me to sleep.
I’m awaked by excessive pounding on my front door. I get up slowly and walk to the door. As I open the door, Carmen just about hits me in the face as she was about to continue the implacable knocking. Instead she grabs me around the waist and hugs me so tight that I couldn’t breathe. I slowly unwrap her arms, seeing as how I was much stronger then she, and tell her to breathe. She takes a few breaths before latching onto me again. Dex just looks plain uncomfortable. He smiles at me and turns around.
“What’s up, Carmen?”
“We thought something terrible had happened to you!” She explains, finally releasing me from her hug.
“Yeah, you weren’t answering any of our texts or calls!” Dex added, suddenly becoming very angry as he turned around to face me. I could see in his eyes that he was not only angry, but that he was relieved.
“We thought you were dead!” Carmen exclaims. Dex mumbled something like, more like you did.
“I’m fine, I was just sleeping. I fell asleep on the couch in the living room and my phones in my room.” I replied, trying to hide the smile and giggles threatening to blemish my cool exterior. “Why didn’t you just try the landline?”
“It must be disconnected or something, cause it won’t ring.” Dex says, quietly.
“I don’t know why it would be. Ma hasn’t said anything.”
“So, forgetting the past 30 minutes or so, you wanna hang out?” Carmen asked, biting her bottom lip as she does so often. She bites her lip whenever she’s embarrassed.
“Sure, just make ya’lls self at home. I’m going to go change real quick.” I sprint up the stairs to my room and shut the door behind me. I threw on a pair of black sweatpants, a dark blue V-neck tee, and a black pair of socks. I bushed my hair out and took off the rest of my make-up. Then I stopped to take a look at myself in the mirror. I looked normal. Yet, for some strange reason, I didn’t feel it. The cold must have brought some weird insecurity disease.
I went back to my friends and spent the rest of the day of the day with them. We went to the mall and the food court, and then we found our back-to-school outfits. Dex settled for a new pair of dark blue jeans, very colorful high-tops, a thin, yellow tee, and a brown leather jacket. Carmen went for a pair of skinny jeans, a purple, lacy blouse, black boots with faux fur around the top, and a black jacket. I decided on a pair of black, stiletto boots, a black leather and lace dress that came to my knees and a real cape with faux leather on the outside and faux fur on the inside.
Once the day had ended, I climbed in my car and headed for home. I drove a brand new, sleek, black Camaro. It was already dark outside. And I had a long way home. While Dex and Carmen lived in town, I on the other hand lived way out in the woods. I was very tired, my eyes already drooping.
My phone buzzed with a text. I grabbed my phone and read it. It was from Mark, a cousin of mine. He was texting me to pull over, turn off the car and its lights, lock all of the doors and lie down in the seat. I ignored it as a prank and dismissed it. But as my eyes return to the road, I saw something huge and swerve to miss it. Unfortunately, I was driving very fast, and on new gravel. Not to mention that it was raining. You could probably see what went wrong there. I lose control of the wheel and crash into a tree. I was knocked out.
In a dream, I was in a meadow. But I wasn’t alone. My long since dead sister, Morgan was there. She’s holding my head in her lap. Her long, black hair made an eerie pop against the red sky. I look around to see that the trees and flowers around us are charred black. It scared me to lay eyes upon. Then I had a scary thought, was I dead?
“Morgan, where am I?” I ask, looking at her. I notice that she has dark circles under her eyes, like she needed a lot of sleep.
“You’re in Morrow’s Valley, a place where those who are caught between Life and Death go. But it was once beautiful.”
“What do you mean by, once was?”
“I mean, that ever since Ezra and his dark angels took over, it has been destroyed. He didn’t like it. He wanted it to match the rest of the dimensions he’s took over and destroyed.”
“Who’s Ezra?”
“You’ll find out soon enough. But only two people can restore it back to normal, as with all the others.”
“Who are they?”
“Soon, my darling, soon.” And with that the dream fades away. And I’m in pain. Not only my body, but it seems my brain as well.
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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19 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1037
Reviews: 19
Wed Oct 19, 2011 11:27 pm
21WhiteRoses says...



This was really good! It kept my interest till the very end and that's a hard feat to accomplish with me and my short attention span!There are so minor grammar and some things seemed to be in the wrong tense but its the story itself that counts! I shouldn't be the one to talk because I make grammar mistakes like a panda makes cuteness. Anyway I would love to read more of this when you get it written! Bravo! :)
"But death and darkness in that instant closed the eyes of Argos, who had seen his master, Odysseus, after twenty years...."
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1216
Reviews: 26
Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:16 pm
youngwolf1105 says...



Thanks, and I often have trouble with tense. Thank you!
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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25 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 2180
Reviews: 25
Mon Oct 24, 2011 3:40 pm
bryan says...



Hey i really liked this material your awesome!!! You have alot of talent and your very literate. From what i read are you aspiring to become a novelist? Well i dont think im as patient or persistent as i should be but after reading your work maybe you could help me a bit. I dont have the work ethic you do judging from your precise descriptions and nearly immpeccable grammer, but i do have the passion for creating stories for people to enjoy. I think im a rank amateur next to you but my dream is to create stories that will go on to rival that of shakespeare. Well thats a goal that requires work and absolute dedication in which you seem to understand. Sorry, i know this is a review for your work and trust me its great, i just cant help but seek out an opportunity to connect with a fellow writer. Otherwise, keep up the good work and i'll be buying one of your future novels in no time!

Sincerly,

Bryan
*Imperfection Perfects the Heart*
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1216
Reviews: 26
Mon Oct 24, 2011 7:38 pm
youngwolf1105 says...



Thanks Bryan! I really appreciate all the complements! I've been writing since I could remember. And I'm always reading long and drawn-out books, so I think that helps a little. If you have any questions at all, just PM me or post it on my page or one of my club pages! Thanks again!
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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Gender: None specified
Points: 989
Reviews: 10
Thu Oct 27, 2011 6:18 am
inthebeginning says...



Okay so to be totally honest with you I think this story needs a lot of work to make sure it fulfils its potential. First things first, if I were you I'd go back through and check all of your spelling and grammar. I found at least five mistakes through there and it makes you seem as though you are rushing.

The next big thing that I found was your all too often change of tense. You need to choose one tense and stick to it for the whole story. It doesn't flow properly because I can't tell which part was happening when.

Also, you seem to just state what people are doing. It's almost as if you're too excited about what you're going to write next to think about what you're writing now. For example:

I slowly walked down the stairs to my living room as the grandfather clock in the hallway chimed seven times. I walk to the fireplace and light a fire. I laid down on the couch and to watch a movie on TV. But before long, the fire’s warmth lulled me to sleep.


That there is an example of what I mean by you have so many actions in such a short space of time. Try to portray to the readers what the MC is thinking, how she is feeling etc. Is she upset that she's awake so early? Is she looking forward to the day etc.? Also that is another example of you "tense-jumping". In the first sentence you used walked, but in the next sentence you are walking? You need to try to get your sentences to flow easier, and try alternating between pronouns.

Also, I was a bit confused as to what this sentence means? Does it mean that it was colder than usual?

We all found out the next day to wear a coat instead of a light jacket, as he had recommended. Boy was he an idiot! They fired him soon after that broadcast.


This is another example of what I mean about you simply stating facts. You have to remember that "you're audience is the character". You have to make them believe everything you say. The best novels are the ones where people have everything pictured in their mind. They know exactly what 'their' house looks like, what 'their' friends are like, what they think about the world.

Okay so onto my next point. To be honset, nothin about your story truly drew me in until I read the last paragraph or so where you got onto what the story is going to be about, or what I assume it's going to be about. I would suggest alternating this, like perhaps starting off with the car crash? Have that as a 'prologue' and then flash back to a day or so before it had happened? That way your reader is automatically intrigued.

Also, sentences like this:

My phone buzzed with a text. I grabbed my phone and read it.


It doesn't flow easy. You said phone twice within about eight words. Try rewording it so that it is easier to read. For example, try writing something like: I reached down for my phone as it buzzed with a text. yes, that was a bad example but you catch my drift.

Despite all my criticisms I am actually intrigued to see where you're going with this story. It has potential, and although this theme is overdone, I like the way this is headed. I would love to read more, so feel free to message me when you write the next chapter!
  





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26 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1216
Reviews: 26
Thu Oct 27, 2011 3:07 pm
youngwolf1105 says...



Thanks for your reviews and I needed the critism, cause I often have tesh problems. And I wanted to show you something. I didn't want to reveal the meaning of it, but
"We all found out the next day to wear a coat instead of a light jacket, as he had recommended. Boy was he an idiot! They fired him soon after that broadcast." Has a reason to it. One day it's hot as hell outside when she's working at the pool, then the next day... BOOM!! it's freezing cold outside. The reason behind this is because the same person who saved her life is the same reason it's cold outside in the middle of August. I won't reveal why now, but you'll see further into the story. Then the reason it's kinda boring at the begining, is because I wanted it to be all normal, then chaotic all of the sudden. I wanted to leave ya'll hanging intill I posted the next chapter. It's a maneuver my favorite author often uses, R.L. Stine. And I don't always use it, but works good in this novel. Thanks again!
We were made to corageous,
We're taking back the fight.
We were made to be corageous,
And it starts with us tonight.

And the only way we'll stand,
Is on our knees with lifted hands.
Make us corageous,
Lord make us corageous. - Casting Crowns
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 943
Reviews: 3
Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:14 pm
adorkableXxme says...



I'm not too great at grammar, so I'll leave that part to everyone else, but all in all it was pretty good. Maybe you should go through and read to yourself and think of different ways to re-word things. Just ask yourself, "If I was talking, would I talk like that? Would it sound right outloud?" Other then that, the plots pretty interesting, you just have to find new ways of getting your points across. Good job, and good luck on future writes :)
"Love keeps hatin' on me, so I hate love, I hate love..." I hate love- Jojo
  








Ogres are like onions.
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