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The Paladins of the Arcane, Chapter 1



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Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:01 pm
creativityrules says...



Spoiler! :
This is the first chapter of my book! I plan to introduce my main character's name in the next chapter. Any thoughts and criticism on this will be greatly appreciated!


The two young men strode through the alley, speaking in hushed voices. There was a distinct sense of purpose in their movements.

"Are you sure this will work the way that you intend it to?" asked the taller of the duo, a young man with black hair who appeared to be around nineteen years old. His friend, a fellow of roughly the same age, smiled carelessly and grinned, his dark eyes shining out from behind a curtain of shaggy blond hair.

"Don't worry yourself in the least. I've done this several times before, and each time it's turned out exactly the way I planned. Leave it to me. Now, do you remember what I instructed you to do?"

The black-haired fellow nodded.

"Wonderful, absolutely wonderful. Here we are at the tavern. Wait outside. I'm sure I will be out within a few moments." And with that, the blond-haired boy dashed through the crudely hewn door of the dingy tavern and disappeared.

Standing outside, the black-haired fellow strained to hear what was happening within. At first, he heard only the normal sounds of a saloon: the clinking of glasses, the low hum of conversation, and an occasional rough laugh accompanied by the slamming of mugs on tables. Then, he heard his comrade's voice, speaking arrogantly to an unknown person. He listened as the voice was met by another far rougher one that grew progressively louder, swelling until it was quite easy to hear. The voices began arguing, growing increasingly more fervent, until at last the tavern door was hurled open and his friend emerged, followed quite closely by an incredibly infuriated sailor.

"Ye'd best watch yer manners, boy," snarled the red-faced sailor as he cracked his knuckles. "Ye've got no sense pickin' a fight wit' a man twice yer size and strength."

"Perhaps," answered the young man he was speaking to. "But I suppose we'll just have to see."

"We won't have to see a blasted thing!" roared the sailor. "Tisn't a man in this 'ere crowd that could knock me down, and ye think ye can! Fool! You'll pay! Let's see how purty face of yers looks after me fist has had its way with it!"

"My good man, I welcome you to try. But I doubt that it will be as easy as you think it is."

The brawny sailor spouted curses at the boy, bristling with rage. Standing calmly, the lad smiled out at the man from beneath bushy brown brows, his eyes snapping with mischief. His light, muscular frame appeared a paltry match for the massive sailor's body, but he seemed strangely unconcerned.

Meanwhile, the black-haired lad had overturned a pail he'd found in the alley and was standing atop it, surrounded by a crowd of ruffians that had emerged from the tavern.

"Men, shall we make this match a bit more interesting? Is anybody willing to place wagers?" The sailors cheered raucously, and the lad was nearly toppled off of his bucket as the throng moved towards him, digging in their pockets for a few coins with which to bet on the fight.

Surrounded by the crowd of cheering ruffians, the blond-haired fellow and the sailor began to pace, keeping their eyes on each other as they circled. Even the boy's formerly relaxed frame had grown slightly tense, but he still kept his cheerful composure, smirking as he moved. His opponent, on the other hand, was anything but jolly. His already unpleasant features had grown even worse as his face contorted with anger. How could this mere lad, this fellow who barely seemed to have twenty years under his belt, expect to win? It was slightly uncanny, the way the boy didn't seem to be afraid, but the sailor brushed it off. He would teach this arrogant lad a lesson.

The boy was aware of his opponent's strength. It didn't matter to him. He knew this type of man. They had hot tempers and slow fists. As long as the man didn't get a hold of him, he would emerge the victor. He needed money, and his share of the wagers would buy him what he wished: passage on a ship out of town. Nothing would stand in his way.

"Start the bloody fight already!" yelled one of the grubby onlookers. And so, it began.

The gigantic sailor charged. Sidestepping swiftly and smoothly, as if avoiding the man's thunderous blows wasn't at all difficult, the boy moved out of the sailor's path. The sailor whirled, his chunky fists clenched, and aimed a blow at the boy's face. Grinning, the boy ducked.

"Is that the best you can do, old man?" he asked.

The sailor swore and swung again, but the boy dodged the blow and moved behind the sailor before the sailor had understood what was happening. Grinning broadly, the boy swept an open hand across the sailor's head, further maddening him.

"I'll get at ye, I swear I will!" the sailor cried, attempting to hit the boy only to have his blows returned by the boy moving quickly out of the way.

The boy laughed. It was time to put the sailor out of his misery.

The next time that the sailor swung at the boy, the boy dodged, but, instead of moving out of the man's reach, he pulled back and drove a fist into the man's face, stunning him. The boy's fists hit the sailor's face again and again, and, seconds later, the sailor toppled to the ground, his face slamming into the dusty cobblestones.

The crowd fell into a hushed silence as the boy picked up his worn jacket and, donning it, walked lightly over to the table where the wagers had been placed. Gathering his share of the winnings and tucking it into his pockets, the boy smiled, bowed gracefully to the crowd, and made his way out onto the street. The men watched him quietly as he left.

Inhaling a deep breath of salty sea air, the lad sighed happily and walked off down the street. Moments later, he was joined by his comrade, and the two boys, grinning from ear to ear, headed off to the docks.
Last edited by creativityrules on Tue Oct 11, 2011 4:08 am, edited 1 time in total.
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

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Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:58 pm
poweroflove says...



Wow... Ah-mazing. So creative and different. I liked it... a lot. =] Keep going with it, but I have some questions.

Is there going to be a relationship?

What caused the sailor and the man to fight?

Where are they and where are they headed to?

Are you going to name it after you get into the story a little more?

I'd love to read it when you start writing more of it and I can't wait for the name of it. =]

-PowerofLove:)
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Sun Oct 09, 2011 9:02 pm
1wasprt says...



Mistakes
creativityrules wrote:picked up his worn jacket and, pulling it on, walked lightly over to the table
here you said he pulled on his jacket. I don't know if you meant to but I think it would sound better as maybe using a world like "sliding it on"

Plot
This plot looks pretty good so far. I would love to hear more about this child that seems chill even when in a fight. I like characters like that.

Descriptions
I think you were pretty good on descriptions with the other sailors egging them on and what the boy saw and all that, so I won't say anything there.

Character description
I think that you sort of did a good character description just by stating the boys actions. You didn't just come out and say this is what the boy looks like, but rather you explained all that through him being chill and acting cool. I liked that too.

Overall
Overall I would love to hear more and I will be following you to read the next chapter of this story.
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Sun Oct 09, 2011 9:30 pm
Duskglimmer says...



Creativityrules -

I like the style of this piece - it's very smooth and use of language is great. Your pacing is also very good, and you definitely leave the reader wanting more. There are a couple of things that I think could be improved, but as a first draft, this is nicely done. :)

First, I'd like to comment on dialect. There's a certain flavor that your sailor now has because of the way he clips his "you"s, and the reader definitely comes away with a feeling about him: he's low-born and uneducated, except for his skills as a sailor. On his accent, I'd like to see you experiment a little more with the dialect, perhaping adding something other clipping his "you"s and dropping "g"s. For instance, I could see changing "with to "wit" or something similar. You could also reconsider his word order. Obviously, you don't want to make his dialogue unreadable, but since he appears to be a character that is only going to appear for a few pages, this is something you could play with a great deal.

And then there's your main character's dialect: From the way that he speaks, I imagine he's well-educated and from somewhere other than the sailor. He speaks very formally, doesn't drop any letters, and employs a more complicated word pattern in his speech. Together with the fact that he's in a fight from money, he's been in a fight for money before and he's wearing a worn jacket when he walks away from this fight, I find him very intriguing. My first thought is that he used to be rich (or his parents are rich) but his luck has turned somehow and he's having to manage for himself. Either he's got too much pride to get a working job, or he's moving too fast to get a working job, or he simply doesn't have the skill to get a working job.

If this speculation is WAY off from what you had intended, you may want to consider changing your dialects.

Secondly, I'd like to bring up plot: As I said, you did a great job with pacing in this piece. It appears you were going for a slow reveal on the character through the situation he was caught in. I get a sense of your main character, but I don't get a good sense of the situation here. I think with a clearer idea of this fight, we could get even more about the character and this first scene would be a very productive opening.

Mostly, I'd like to know two things: What kind of fight is this, and why is our character in it?

Men are betting on the fight and the winner is taking a cut of the wages. That would lead me to believe that this is some sort of formalized competition, maybe an underground operation (from the fact that it's taking place in a back alley), but definitely organized. Otherwise, why would the winner expect to take a cut? From that, my guess is that the main character purposely sought these people out and put his name down for a fight. Yet, the opening line ("Ye'd best watch yer manners, boy,"), leads me to believe that he's somehow insulted this sailor and gotten himself into the fight that way. He could still have intentionally done it, but from that one line it seems less likely to be an organized fight and more likely to be a bar brawl that got moved out into the street.

I'd advise picking one of the options above, and trying to make the motivations and circumstances of the fight consistent throughout the piece.

Lastly, I want to speak to cliches. I know, it's a word that's become so cliched in itself that it hardly has the meaning that I intend anymore, but what I mean to say is to watch the elements that you use in your story and be sure that it's not following too closely on something that's already been done. The small boy taking on an angry, bulky sailor and walking away unharmed has been done before. Just changing the emotions of the the two characters could take away a lot of the notion that the reader has seen this before.

For instance: What if the sailor isn't angry? I'm going to run with the assumption that this is an organized fight and the sailor is at least a semi-professional fighter. What if he's actually chuckling over the size of the kid, thinking that he's about to get some easy money. Maybe after a few swings, he even starts to be a little impressed and feels bad that he's going to knock the stuffing out of him?

And maybe the kid is still a confident son of a duck, but knows that he's going to have his hands full taking on this guy. Come on, the sailor is huge (hulking and massive, I believe you said). If he lands one good blow to the head, the kid's brain is going to do a somersault in his head. Give the kid the skills to fight, let him believe that he can win this fight, but let him see the risks too.

Doing something like that would add an element of realism to the piece, and also give us even further insight into his head, AND take away the element that we've "been here before." Three birds with one stone is great deal.

I think you've got a lot going for you in this piece (great energy, great pace, great start) and I look forward to seeing more from you. :)
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
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Wed Oct 12, 2011 7:26 pm
katiejtaylor says...



This was wonderfully written! I can tell that you have a happy talent for words. One thing that confused me a bit was - who is the main character? The fighter; or the boy? Also, you use "dark haired fellow" a few times. I think you should change that up a bit.
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Mon Oct 17, 2011 1:10 am
wtbh says...



The title of this book was what caught my attention, and WOW this was soo good. It left me speechless and now I'm literally begging for more. There's soo many questions that I have in my head right now that I would love to learn about. I can't find any nitpicks in this story for me to comment about. I can definatly see myself reading this book in the future. You AND this book have some major potential in the future. Any agency company would be plain out dumb if they didn't take you. You have some skills.

~wtbh
  








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