Young Writers Society

His angelic face was agonized with fear as he tossed and turned in his sheets. Sweat formed on his brow, he groaned as his dreams were were plagued by wicked nightmares. In his dream world, he woke and the sky was lit with a crimson glow and dark clouds formed everywhere, fire was set to everything and there wasn't a soul in sight. He ran around his hometown still in his pajamas, he cried out to anyone who would hear him. But know one answered. He feared he as all alone in a world where everything he held dear would be scorched by the raging flames so he continued to call out for his loved ones. Soon after his call was answered by an animalistic roars and shrieks followed by the pounding of the ground. Something huge was coming toward him he thought, he began to ran the other way. Running was pointless for the beasts were gaining on him. He couldn't help but to look behind him and found six enormous black shadows with fiery breathes and piercing yellow eyes. Fear driven him to run faster- as fast as he could. Sadly, his effort to escape was in vain, with every step that he took his legs grow heavy and he became slower. One of the monsters sung a huge claw and swept his legs out from under him he landed flat on his face. Weak and wounded, he knew he couldn't fight off the shadowy demons who enjoyed his suffering. He began to say his last prayers and beasts howled in laughter. When finished with his prayers, he rose to face the creatures. One monster moved in for the kill, its wide jaw revealed many fangs poised to shred. But a white hot flash of light blasted in front of him and the last thing he heard was the screeching of the beasts. When he rose again, the red sky was replaced by grey clouds that rained heavily on his burned home. The screaming disappeared and there was nothing but the drumming of the rain, and the creatures were amiss. In their place was a young girl. She was petite with black hair, fair skin and most beautiful blue eyes he ever saw. She was dressed like a princess of a fairytale, and she giggled at his pajamas with cute monkeys on them. He blushed and smiled sheepishly. But the smiled quickly faded when the girl revealed fangs and a knife in her hand, then she charged at him.

He woke to his own scream, he found himself sitting on his bed. Everything was okay, nothing was on fire and no beasts of darkness. There was a knock at the door and his roommate came in.

"Dennis, are you alright?" Michael asked, standing at the doorway. Worry was written plainly on his face.

"Yeah, it was just a dream," Dennis mumbled to his friend as he threw himself back. "Just a dream." Saying it more to himself that time.

This is very well written It has good suspense and action, plus it is very well written. The only criticism I have is that it could have just a little more detail. But over all its excellent!

This is pretty good! Like one poster said, Add more detail. Actually...ADD MUCH MORE DETAIL...And maybe explore your characters a little more. I KNOW I KNOW...You didnt post a lot and this obv isn't going to be your only posting...but still... Its not that kind of story (so far) where I could read so little yet still become attached to the characters based off of so little info. So add more character info...even just a quick grocery list of like (Height, hair color etc etc). SO YEAH, THIS WAS GOOD. Keep it up! BABBbaskdaskdwdlwkdaelfnrfrwaw.

I hope you don't mind if I tear this apart, detail by minute detail. It's what I do.

The first sentence is... odd. It doesn't quite capture me, but it's not bad. Perhaps it could use stronger language, but that's up to you. It does lead quite nicely into the second sentence, but I have a couple of issues. After "brow", there should be a full stop or a semicolon. Some people would catch a grammatical mistake in the second sentence and would just set the story down, back away, and find something else. (People like me, generally. We're sticklers. Crazy.) I also don't like "his dreams were plagued by wicked nightmares." It could be phrased so much better - to start with, "plagued" and "wicked" are redundant. If you're plagued by something, it's annoying or wicked or somewhere in between, and there's really no reason to put the adjective before "nightmares". If you just say "his dreams were plagued by nightmares" - well, I also don't like that you used "dreams" before you used "nightmares". It's almost like saying "My living body is plagued by living". Perhaps "His sleeping mind was plagued by nightmares" or "his unconscious self" instead of "his dreams".

On to the third sentence. This is a huge contrast from the second sentence, and it doesn't feel like it belongs: It's a rushed transition, nothing else. If you must include it, please make it another paragraph, so it would at least have some separation from the previous ideas. Also, after "woke", you need a comma; after "everywhere" there needs to be a semicolon or a full stop; and after "everything" there needs to be a comma. That's without me going full-depth into this. I don't exactly like the description, either; for all we know, Hell could be lit with a crimson glow and a sky covered with dark clouds. Give it a bit more effort, hon. Perhaps along the lines of "In his dream world, he woke, and the sky was lit with an ominous glow; clouds covered the sky from one horizon to the next. Fire surrounded him, and there wasn't another soul in sight." That probably sucks, but it's just a suggestion.

This is probably going to get worse from here on out. That was my literal first thought upon reading the next sentence, and I'm sorry if I get harsher on you, but it's just one of my things. I'm on the fourth sentence - and I tend to go in-depth with this kind of thing. I'm actually being a lot more shallow because I'm congested.

But, on to the fourth sentence. I have so many problems with this. I'm sorry. A suggested edit for this and the fifth sentence:

He ran around his hometown, still in his pajamas, crying out to anyone who would hear him. No one answered.

Going on to my problems with the fifth sentence, I have a few: First, do not start a sentence with a conjunction. Second, it is "no", not "know". They are homophones, but one should know the difference when writing.

Perhaps it would just be better if I went through and made my grammatical/spelling corrections. They will be in brackets, in blue. I hope this is easy enough to read.

He feared he [was] all alone in a world where everything he held dear would be scorched by the raging flames[.] [He] continued to call out for his loved ones. Soon after[,] his call was answered by animalistic roars and shrieks[,] followed by the pounding of the ground. Something huge was coming toward him[,] he thought[;] he began to [run] the other way.

Running was pointless[, however,] for the beasts were gaining on him. He couldn't help but look behind him[,] and [he] found [that] six enormous black shadows with fiery breath and piercing yellow eyes [were following close behind]. Fear [drove] him to run faster - as fast as he could.

[His] effort to escape was in vain[.] [With] every step that he took[,] his legs [grew] heavy[,] and he became slower. One of the monsters [swung] a huge claw [at him; it] swept his legs out from under him[, and] he landed flat on his face. Weak and wounded, he knew [that] he couldn't fight off the shadowy demons who enjoyed his suffering.

He began to say his last prayers[, and the] beasts howled in laughter. When finished with his prayers, he rose to face the creatures. One monster moved in for the kill, its wide jaw [revealing] many fangs[,] poised to shred.

[A] white hot flash of light blasted in front of him[. The] last thing he heard was the screeching of the beasts. When he rose again, the red sky was replaced by grey clouds that rained heavily on his burned home. The screaming disappeared[,] and there was nothing but the drumming of the rain[. The creatures were gone; in] their place was a young girl.

She was petite[,] with black hair, fair skin and [the] most beautiful blue eyes he ever saw. She was dressed like a princess [from] a fairytale, and she giggled at his pajamas with cute monkeys on them. He blushed and smiled sheepishly.

[His smile] quickly faded when the girl revealed fangs and a knife in her hand[. Then] she charged at him.

He woke to his own scream[; he was sitting on his bed.] Everything was okay, nothing was on fire and no beasts of darkness [were there to pounce on him]. There was a knock at the door[. His] roommate came in.

"Dennis, are you [all right]?" Michael asked, standing at the doorway. Worry was written plainly on his face.

"Yeah, it was just a dream," Dennis mumbled to his friend as he threw himself back [on the bed]. "Just a dream." [He said] it more to himself that time.

Overall, not that bad, but it could use some serious work. What I suggested above was simply a series of minor grammatical edits, as well as a few wording changes.

I think what you could use the most help with is imagery. Imagery, imagery, imagery. Pull the images out of the story and describe them. How tall were the beasts? How did the girl laugh? How sharp was the knife she pulled? How quickly did she charge? What colour were the beasts' fangs? How tall were their eyes? What colours? Was he wrapped in his blankets while he woke? Was his hair plastered to his forehead? etc.

This is pretty cool, but it definitely needs some kind of work.

Thank you guys. Yeah, I know about the imagery. I just wanted to know how people would like the very basic outline. It's my first posting ever. I would try to do better with your guys' help. That's the whole point of this site right? Thank you for the critique.

I can see you posted this a little while ago, but I wanted to say that I liked this. You need to break up the paragrapgmore though. Reading on a computor screne can be harder than paper (that's what I have found anyways) so it's important to make it simple for the reader to follow. Hope you continue this!