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Hidden- Chapter Seven



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Wed Sep 28, 2011 4:38 pm
EvensLily says...



Chapter SEVEN: MURDER
LOCATION: Glasgow City Centre

I kept on walking, where to? I didn’t know. I needed air. Somewhere with lots of things going on to distract me from the night, my legs taking long steps in desperation to find the centre of the city. It wouldn’t be that busy but in luck I might be able to find a cardboard box. I couldn’t and wouldn’t still believe that Tyrone had sent me away with nowhere to go. I was wide awake as I passed Greggs then M&S and then Sainsbury’s, normally I would jump at the chance of going to the supermarket, maybe even getting a hot meal but, tonight I didn’t care. I was in the heart of Glasgow City Centre and it made me feel more alone than I had hoped. I looked around as a blur of people walked passed. Some rushing, some taking in the sights, some holding hands... Tyrone. I hated him. Never again, never again will I give myself up to someone in that way.
I turned in a sudden shock as I heard Police sirens in the distance. The Police suddenly came out of nowhere, running towards a dark Alley besides Clarks. Everywhere, all I heard where sirens bouncing off the walls of the street. People where running in every direction possible, spreading away from the police, terrified. A scream around the shop corner echoed, all the police came running towards the source, as did I and serial other people who followed. I headed towards the source of the noise, the police not bothering to keep me back just yet.
Blood, Black blood flowed freely towards my feet a gaping hole inserted into the boys chest, Tameron. The boy I had tried to save, naked with a hole in his chest, his eyes cold, open and staring into the future that no longer existed for him. There were probably screaming, running, crying to see a boy no older then twelve dead. A tragedy. I was stuck in my thoughts until rough shoulders pushed me back.
“Miss would you please step behind the police line that is being drawn” His voice was slightly shaken as he looked into my eyes searching for something.
“But I know him, please maybe I could help”
“No I’m sorry miss but it’s not my place, go home miss, if we need to speak to you we shall be in contact” He looked apologetic. I saw a group of men put a white cover over his face as a sharp looking woman in a detective suit came onto the scene and passed the police line with no difficulties.
“What have we got here?” She asked her voice tired.
“Murder” One of the men in the white overalls spoke “The same way as the one on Eve’s road yesterday”
“What do you mean in the same way?” The women snapped.
“Naked and his heart missing”
“Well” She said suddenly more awake “That’s not good”
“What do you think we’re working with here?” A man behind her asked looking slightly worried.
“What do you think? Two murders, two days” The detective challenged him, the man contemplated something in his head and finally in a shaky voice spoke;
“You think this is the making of a serial killer?” He answered; the women gave a twisted smile.
“That does not sound good” The voice came from behind me making me jump, the shiny blue eyes were alive with the slightest of worry.
“Nate...thanal” I quickly added. He gave a quick nod and looked towards the body bag.
“What’s happened?” he asked
“Tameron’s been killed” The words came out my mouth brave but still the sadness that was slowly filling my eyes filled my voice. ‘Do not cry in front of Nate... Don’t do it, Weakness Lily, you'll show weakness, you are not weak’.
“The boy from earlier today?” Nate sounded shocked. His mouth fell open. “Wow, I had no idea who it was... was he a friend of yours Lily?”
“Sort of” I took a breath in and calmed down slightly. I turned away from the scene of the crime. I couldn’t look at it anymore, it was making me sick.
“Lily, do you have anywhere to go?” I turned and looked into Nate’s eyes. They were gentle on the outside but there was something he was hiding, deep, deep down, something. My dad taught me how to read eyes; he had said they were the window to the soul, and right now looking into Nate’s eyes he seemed dangerous, and not in a dark and sexy way.
“Yes”
“Why don’t I walk you home then?”
“No, I’m okay”
“No you’re not. There is obviously a dangerous killer on the loose” I stared at him. I instantly made my eyes go cold and frowned. I wasn’t taking any help from Nate even if he didn’t seem that bad... No I shouldn’t.
“Nathanial I would prefer to walk home tonight-”
“Bullshit, you have no home” I was outraged, he didn’t know me. All he had done was confuse me to the point of complete confusion. Why was he doing this? He kept popping up out of nowhere! Seriously where was he coming from?
“I have a home thank you very much”
“Not one you want to go back to –“
“Listen!” I shouted “I do not need help from me you... you... you-” I was fuming, my point of blowing had been crossed.
“You what? Lily, for once in your life fight back! Call me something, go on!”
“ARSEHOLE!” Okay it did feel good. Nate started clapping.
“There you go! Do you feel better?”
“Maybe” I murmured looking at my feet.
“Come on, let’s go to my house“
“NO! NO! I’m fine, trust me, I’ll just walk... over... here” To be honest I wasn’t sure what I was saying but I didn’t want to get into this. When the voice in my head said “Stay Away From Nate” I doubt it meant “Stay in His House”.
“Oh for heaven’s sake, I’m not that bad am I? I’ve only known you for a few days”
“Exactly! I shouldn’t stay at a house with a stranger”
“Listen, at least let me calm you down a bit, and then you can go home” He sneered the word home as if he didn’t believe me, He roughly took my hand and took quick strides over to a Bentley that was shinning a couple of metres down.
“Get in” was all he said as he took out the car keys and opened the door. The car had actually gathered a bit of a crowd, a middle aged man was taking a photograph of it. “I asked you to get in, so you shall get in” Nate’s voice sneered as he opened the car door for me from the inside. I had to do what he asked... I hurdled inside. It was warm; I signed and sucked a breath in, it even smelt nice. I dumped my backpack on the floor and breathed in the warm, sweetly smelling air. I closed my eyes and felt myself slowly starting to drift.
“You okay there” A beautiful voice asked a chuckle in his voice, sounded through my eardrums.
“Yeah, I guess so” I murmured. The voice chuckled as I felt strange, hard; sturdy, warm arms pull me out from my seat. “Huh?” My eyes opened slightly, as I started to look around, it was dark, very dark. I was being brought out of a car, wow, a Bentley, a huge dark mansion stood above me but I was too tired to care. I warmed myself up from the cold night air by snuggling up to the body that was holding me. I felt myself slide into a bed, cold untouched covers where suddenly over me and then... distance.
Write and Smile people! X
  





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Tue Oct 04, 2011 11:09 pm
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southerngirl5379 says...



I love this story! the mystery keeps you in it! It gets so intense. I laughed when she yelled
ARSEHOLE!"
I like this story beacuse it already has a love triangle Tyrone, Lily, and Nate. Tyrone being the main. but Nate sneaking in behind. The end of this chapter leaves you hanging at a mini climax adding more mystery to Nate and why he's so hot and cold towards Lily.
  





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Sun Oct 23, 2011 3:31 pm
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IcyFlame says...



I'll quote the whole thing here as your issues seem to be mainly small, grammar related things
EvensLily wrote:Chapter SEVEN: MURDER Sort out your capitals here.
LOCATION: Glasgow City Centre Quite honestly, I don't like this technique. But I haven't read any other chapters so I can't offer my opinion as to whether it works very well or not.

I kept on walking, where to? I didn’t know. I needed air. Somewhere with lots of things going on to distract me from the night, my legs taking long steps in desperation to find the centre of the city. It wouldn’t be that busy but inwith luck I might be able to find a cardboard box. Explain what for. I couldn’t and wouldn’t still believe that Tyrone had sent me away with nowhere to go. I was wide awake as I passed Greggs then M&S and then Sainsbury’s, normally I would jump at the chance of going to the supermarket, maybe even getting a hot meal but, tonight I didn’t care. Try to avoid too much listing. Maybe just use one or two shops. I was in the heart of Glasgow City Centre and it made me feel more alone than I had hoped.Expand on this part. I looked around as a blur of people walked passed. Some rushing, some taking in the sights, some holding hands... Tyrone. I hated him. Never again, never again will would I give myself up to someone in that way.

I turned in a sudden shock as I heard Police sirens in the distance. The Police suddenly came out of nowhere, running towards a dark Alley besides Clarks. Everywhere, all I heard where sirens bouncing off the walls of the street. People where running in every direction possible, spreading away from the police, terrified. A scream around the shop corner echoed, all the police came running towards the source, as did I and serial other people who followed. I headed towards the source of the noise, the police not bothering to keep me back just yet. Woah, woah, woah! Slow down a little. This paragraph could be lengthened considerably as far as I'm concerned. Show her thoughts, fears, emotions etc.
Blood, Black blood flowed freely towards my feet a gaping hole inserted into the boys chest, Tameron. The boy I had tried to save, naked with a hole in his chest, his eyes cold, open and staring into the future that no longer existed for him. There were probably screaming, running, crying to see a boy no older then twelve dead. A tragedy. I was stuck in my thoughts until rough shoulders pushed me back. Same comment as the previous paragraph.
“Miss would you please step behind the police line that is being drawn” His voice was slightly shaken as he looked into my eyes searching for something.
“But I know him, please maybe I could help”
“No I’m sorry miss but it’s not my place, go home miss, if we need to speak to you we shall be in contact” He looked apologetic. I saw a group of men put a white cover over his face as a sharp looking woman in a detective suit came onto the scene and passed the police line with no difficulties.
“What have we got here?” She asked her voice tired.
“Murder” One of the men in the white overalls spoke “The same way as the one on Eve’s road yesterday”
“What do you mean in the same way?” The women snapped.
“Naked and his heart missing”
“Well” She said suddenly more awake “That’s not good” Watch out for too much back-and-forth conversation. Mix it up a bit.
“What do you think we’re working with here?” A man behind her asked looking slightly worried.
“What do you think? Two murders, two days” The detective challenged him, the man contemplated something in his head and finally in a shaky voice spoke;
“You think this is the making of a serial killer?” He answered; the women gave a twisted smile.
“That does not sound good” The voice came from behind me making me jump, the shiny blue eyes were alive with the slightest of worry.
“Nate...thanal” I quickly added. He gave a quick nod and looked towards the body bag.
“What’s happened?” he asked
“Tameron’s been killed” The words came out my mouth brave but still the sadness that was slowly filling my eyes filled my voice. ‘Do not cry in front of Nate... Don’t do it, Weakness Lily, you'll show weakness, you are not weak’.
“The boy from earlier today?” Nate sounded shocked. His mouth fell open. “Wow, I had no idea who it was... was he a friend of yours Lily?”
“Sort of” I took a breath in and calmed down slightly. I turned away from the scene of the crime. I couldn’t look at it anymore, it was making me sick.
“Lily, do you have anywhere to go?” I turned and looked into Nate’s eyes. They were gentle on the outside but there was something he was hiding, deep, deep down, something. My dad taught me how to read eyes; he had said they were the window to the soul, and right now looking into Nate’s eyes he seemed dangerous, and not in a dark and sexy way.
“Yes”
“Why don’t I walk you home then?”
“No, I’m okay”
“No you’re not. There is obviously a dangerous killer on the loose” I stared at him. I instantly made my eyes go cold and frowned. I wasn’t taking any help from Nate even if he didn’t seem that bad... No I shouldn’t.
“Nathanial I would prefer to walk home tonight-”
“Bullshit, you have no home” I was outraged, he didn’t know me. All he had done was confuse me to the point of complete confusion. Why was he doing this? He kept popping up out of nowhere! Seriously where was he coming from?
“I have a home thank you very much”
“Not one you want to go back to –“
“Listen!” I shouted “I do not need help from me you... you... you-” I was fuming, my point of blowing had been crossed.
“You what? Lily, for once in your life fight back! Call me something, go on!”
“ARSEHOLE!” Okay it did feel good. Nate started clapping.
“There you go! Do you feel better?”
“Maybe” I murmured looking at my feet.
“Come on, let’s go to my house“
“NO! NO! I’m fine, trust me, I’ll just walk... over... here” To be honest I wasn’t sure what I was saying but I didn’t want to get into this. When the voice in my head said “Stay Away From Nate” I doubt it meant “Stay in His House”.
“Oh for heaven’s sake, I’m not that bad am I? I’ve only known you for a few days”
“Exactly! I shouldn’t stay at a house with a stranger”
“Listen, at least let me calm you down a bit, and then you can go home” He sneered the word home as if he didn’t believe me, He roughly took my hand and took quick strides over to a Bentley that was shinning a couple of metres down.
“Get in” was all he said as he took out the car keys and opened the door. The car had actually gathered a bit of a crowd, a middle aged man was taking a photograph of it. “I asked you to get in, so you shall get in” Nate’s voice sneered as he opened the car door for me from the inside. I had to do what he asked... I hurdled inside. It was warm; I signed and sucked a breath in, it even smelt nice. I dumped my backpack on the floor and breathed in the warm, sweetly smelling air. I closed my eyes and felt myself slowly starting to drift.
“You okay there” A beautiful voice asked a chuckle in his voice, sounded through my eardrums.
“Yeah, I guess so” I murmured. The voice chuckled as I felt strange, hard; sturdy, warm be areful not to use too many adjectives in a list.arms pull me out from my seat. “Huh?” My eyes opened slightly, as I started to look around, it was dark, very dark. I was being brought out of a car, wow, a Bentley, a huge dark mansion stood above me but I was too tired to care. I warmed myself up from the cold night air by snuggling up to the body that was holding me. I felt myself slide into a bed, cold untouched covers where suddenly over me and then... distance.



There you go! I know that was nitpiky but hope it helped a little :)
  








Carpe Diem
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