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The Bird's Fatal Cry~Chapter One



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Wed Sep 28, 2011 2:07 am
Island6 says...



Spoiler! :
Ok, this is my first ever novel, and I would love some feedback on it. I know it's not the greatest, but I am full of ideas and I need to get them down on paper (or computer screen I guess). Anyways, sit back, relax, and be sure to review once your done :)


For the past two weeks, Evelyn Rose had been having terrifying nightmares. Every morning before the sun rose into the sky, she would wake up with tears streaking down her cheek. On a usual day she would wake up to see her mother’s crystal grey eyes, glaring down at her with a worried look. She would caress the little girl’s forehead and ask if there was anything she could do to make her feel any better. Evelyn would always reply no, because she had no idea why she was terrified in the first place. She never remembered her dreams.

However, that day was very different. She had slept the entire night without a trace of a nightmare. Yawning, the little girl sat up in bed. Mommy will be so pleased of me, she thought, I didn’t get scared for once! I am learning to be brave like her. Rubbing her eyes, she looked out the bay window to her right, observing delicate snowflakes drift down to the street below. Slowly lowering her feet on the hardwood floor, she shivered. Today was another cold day of winter.

Deciding to tell her mother the good news straight away, she crept her way over to her mother’s bedroom. Opening the oak door slowly, she peaked into the room beyond. Her eyes glazed over to her mother who was twitching in her sleep. All of her blankets had fallen to the floor in a heap. Guess mom isn’t so brave after all, she thought as she watched her mother switch positions every second. Picking up a pillow that was lying feet from the bed, she chucked it at her mother playfully.

“Haha! Rise and Shine!” She screeched out in her high-pitched voice as she drew the curtains, flooding light into the dark room. However, Abrielle Rose did not wake. Instead she was rolling around furiously in her bed, groaning in a voice much different from her usual one.

“Mom, get UP! I’m hungry! Can we have pancakes for breakfast?” Evelyn asked her unresponsive mother. She stood there for a moment, clutching her teddy bear, Winky, and moved forward so that she could whisper in her mothers ear, “Winky says that he would like to eat breakfast too,”

Instead a reply like she wanted, her mother continued to thrash in her sleep. Why isn’t she getting up now? A wave of sound then pierced the child’s ear. Abrielle was screaming as though being tortured in her dreams. Her shrieks could be heard from the other apartments in her building, and neighbours were soon banging on their door.

“Is everything ok in there?! Do you need help!?”

Evelyn didn’t even notice the bangs on the door, as she was to focused on what was happening to her mother.

"Mommy! Mommy! WHY AREN'T YOU WAKING UP MOMMY!?" Evelyn had screamed as she tried to get her to stop thrashing. Abrielle almost hit her as she reached out to find the voice of her daughter. The child had dodged her reach, but fell backward instead, tripping on the blankets that were sprawled on the floor. Tears rising to her eyes from the fall, she continued to yell out to her mother, trying to get her to wake up from her nightmare. It hurt her to see a loved one in that much pain.

The neighbours continued to pound on the door, “We’re calling 9-11!” They yelled loud enough this time for the child to hear. Evelyn began to feel a bit more at ease. Help was coming.

The calmness did not last for long. The next sound that came out of her mouth hung onto the chilly air for what seemed like hours. What made her shriek as loud as she did was the sparkling red blood that was now covering her mother’s clothes. Deep slashes tore through her body, just like in a horror movie. A startling sound rang through the room that could be heard by Evelyn, and it frightened her to no end. A sound of piercing blades, creating more damage to her mother's already bloody body.

“WHAT’S HAPPENING?” Evelyn screeched as the blood soaked through the bed sheets. Her mother then stopped moving, and life seemed to disappear from her face. As firefighters broke down the door to their home, Evelyn knew that there was no more hope for her mom. She was gone.

***

The child sat alone in an investigators office, weeks after the death of her mother. She knew what was coming. They were going to ask all those questions again. Questions that she would answer truthfully every single time, only her confessions weren’t the answers they were looking for. The officials took a break from questioning her, thinking that her replies would change over time. They were wrong.

“We know that you are still in pain,” The officer began in the same way as she had done the last time she questioned, “But we really need the truth of what you saw the morning of your mothers death,”

“I already told you what I know,” Evelyn replied, staring at her pink shoes, not wanting to look into the fierce eyes of the adult, “Where did you put Winky?”

“We discussed your teddy bear last time, my answer is no different. The toy was left at the investigation,” The uptight woman said as she rubbed her face with her hand. Her head ached from the stress that came with every case she took on. Having to deal with small children did not help matters.

“When will I get her back?” Evelyn asked, but she received no answer. Instead, the officer ignored her silly questions.

“Don’t you want the murderer caught? Don’t you think they should be put in jail for the pain they’ve caused on your family?” The officer continued, expecting a nod. Evelyn, however, only stared blankly back at the officer, focusing on the officer’s ears. Why is her left one bigger then her right? She thought, trying to rid her mind of thoughts of her last nightmare, “Because the only way that’s going to happen, is if you tell me the truth,”

“MY MOM WASN’T MURDERED! I told you the truth from the beginning!” Evelyn cried out, releasing all of her negative energy, “She died while she was sleeping! She was only having a nightmare! But it was real! The blood just came! It soaked through everything, I didn’t know what to do!”

Sighing again, the officer quickly dialled a number on his office phone, not really listening to what the child was saying, “No. She won’t tell us anything. Just being stubborn-,”

“Hey!” Evelyn blurted out, listening to one end of the conversation, “I have ears you know!”

However the officer have her an angry look and put her index finger to her lips. Rolling her eyes, Evelyn played with her blonde pigtails and took a glance at the room. It was filled with plenty of bookshelves, each probably containing 50 books that she never wished to read. Whatever this woman reads must be super boring, she thought, seems like the kind of person she is.
As the woman hung up the phone she spoke to Evelyn without actually looking at her. She was mostly concentrating on the paperwork laying flat on the desk, “Your mother stated that if there was an event which resulted in her death you are to go live with your aunt. So that is where you shall go,”
Last edited by Island6 on Sun Oct 16, 2011 1:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
<3
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:09 am
Leahweird says...



This is really good, the set up for a very interesting story. I really liked the shift of Evelyn having nightly nightmares to suddenly waking up calmly and seeing the snow. It seemed significant, and kinda sinister, that there was that moment of calm before you realize what's going to happen. Like a really good horror film, although that's not ussually my favourite genre.

My only critique owuld be that the very first sentence does not mesh well with the rest of the peice. The first paragraph especially is great, except for that one line. I'm not sure that this would be easy to fix, becuause the first line of a new project is always the most difficult, but if your looking for things to improve that would be my suggestion.
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 2:59 am
Butterfly18 says...



Hello, Island6.

First of all,


For the past two weeks, Evelyn Rose had been having terrifying nightmares. Every morning before the sun rose into the sky, she would wake up with tears streaking down her cheek. On a usual day she would wake up to see her mother’s crystal grey eyes, glaring down at her with a worried look. She would caress the little girl’s forehead and ask if there was anything she could do to make her feel any better. Evelyn would always reply no, because she had no idea why she was terrified in the first place. She never remembered her dreams.

However, that day was very different. She had slept the entire night without a trace of a nightmare. Yawning, the little girl sat up in bed. Mommy will be so pleased of me, she thought, I didn’t get scared for once! I am learning to be brave like her. Rubbing her eyes, she looked out the bay window to her right, observing delicate snowflakes drift down to the street below. Slowly lowering her feet on the hardwood floor, she shivered. Today was another cold day of winter.

Deciding to tell her mother the good news straight away, she crept her way over to her mother’s bedroom. Opening the oak door slowly, she peaked into the room beyond. Her eyes glazed over to her mother who was twitching in her sleep. All of her blankets had fallen to the floor in a heap. Guess mom isn’t so brave after all, she thought as she watched her mother switch positions every second. Picking up a pillow that was lying feet from the bed, she chucked it at her mother playfully.


This is all exposition and telling. You could cut this down to only a paragraph and maybe a half, with only the pertinent information, excluding all the fluff. Then you get into the dialogue, which moves the story forward.

Other than that, I liked the idea of this story and sounds like a good start.
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 3:11 am
Island6 says...



Thank you both for reviewing! It really helped :)

As for the first sentence, yeah, I know its terrible. Nothing seemed to fit so I just stuck that there. It'll change soon!
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Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:43 pm
sandayselkie says...



OOOOhhhhh ok that was creepy. I could just sense that something wrong was going to happen when she gets a night of peace. Brilliant story. Can't wait to read whats next
"Live in the present, remember the past and fear not the future, for it doesn't exist and never shall. There is only now."
Saphira

"That's the spirit. One part courage. Three parts fool"
Brom
  





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Sun Oct 23, 2011 9:43 am
JacksonDove says...



Hello there. You shall be the first person I review. Good for you!

Well, right down two it. It is a really good beginning, certainly you've set yourself up for an interesting plot and established your main character reasonably well.

However, I found there were some things that didn't ring quite right. Such as how the child doesn't really seem to react when her mother is thrashing about on the bed in the throes of the nightmare. To a young child, this would be extremely frightening. People don't actually thrash around during a normal nightmare. They might murmur or sweat or maybe stir around a little, but not to the extent you were describing, which sounded more like the symptoms of a severe fit. It seems though, that Evelyn only expresses fear for her mother when the blood starts coming. I believe that she would start to get worried, even in her own childlike innocent way, long before that.

Also, the investigators would hand Evelyn over to a professional experienced child psychologist who would question her gently and patiently. (I'm assuming of course that she's what? 8 years old?).

Finally, just a little question. In the weeks after her mothers death, where was she staying? Alone at home? Does she have a father? Wasn't she already staying at her Aunts?

But these are all just things that need to be ironed out. The writing is clear and intelligible, and despite a few confusing shifts in perspective, there really is no serious issues with the first chapter. Well done, and I shall be looking out for more of your work.

Dove
  








There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
— Christopher Darlington Morley