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Ega and the life of Raider Ch1 the lost dreams and pain



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Thu Sep 22, 2011 10:09 pm
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aquatica says...



"Mum...mum...Raider...NO!!" said Ega
When he was sleeping and woke up and said
"It's only a bad dream"
Jerry the mouse woke up and jumped on Ega's shoulder and start rubbing his fur on Ega's check
"Oh no Mr., sleep in your own bed"
Ega got up and put jerry on a pillow beside the room door, and then he went back to sleep in his bed, Ega was wearing a yin half necklace all the time even when he was sleeping, when the clock stroked 12:00 his yin necklace start to shine and Ega's tears started falling, he was dreaming of his past that his father gave the yin half necklace when he was a child and he gave the yang half to his twin brother and he told his brother
"One day son, you are going to be a great warrior like your father" he held Ega's shoulder and said
"And you are going to be a great wizard when you grow up like your mother"
Ega's child past looked at the necklace and said "why you gave us this necklaces father?"
the father smiled at both of them and said "to protect you and your brother, promise me that you are going to take care of each other, promise me" Ega smiled and said "I promise father" and then in the dream changed into a nightmare when he saw the memory of the death of his family, the house was burning they were trapped in the house their mother and father opened the door, it was stuck and the parents opened it hardy it can barely enough for the two twins to get through the both children was running when Ega stopped and looked behind, his father shouted "RUN EGA!!! ,RUN" Ega started crying and said "but father what about you?!" "Don't worry about me, just RUN, RUN RUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!" Ega ran as fast as he could and Ega's mother said in pain" we are not going to survive are we Long?" Ega's father hugged his wife for the last time before they burn to death and said "at least our sons are safe", Ega and his brother ran as fast as they could and suddenly his brother tripped and when Ega tried to help him the floor braked and his only brother fell in the fire and Ega was shouting "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" and then the roof started to fall down Ega had to run as fast as he can out of the house he ran to the first floor and he ran out of the house, when he came out his breathing wasn't organized, suddenly he heard the crying of his mother and father while they were burning by the hot red fire, Ega's mind was confused that he cried as loud as he can and said "MUUUUUUM!!!, DAAAAAAAAD!!!, RAIDER!!!" and then he felt his weight was betraying him that he fell on the ground and closed his eyes for good....., Ega woke up from the dream in a pain and crying on his family, Jerry the mouse woke from Ega's crying it walked slowly to him, Ega stretched his hand and the mouse stood on it he raised him to his face level and said in a small smile "I'm happy that you are with me Jerry" and he put the mouse on a pillow beside him and he went back to sleep in hope not to dream with the pain and the cuts on his heart.......

chapter2 Ega and the yang warrior's black knife

The next day Ega went to his work place, a high school teacher, and the worst part that he is teaching the worst, dumbest, most disgusting class ever in the history of the school, he walked in the class and the class was planning for a trick for their teacher they put some pins on the teachers chair when Ega was going to sit down until someone said "I don't think you want to sit down Mr." Ega stopped and stood up and looked for the person who said this sentence, then someone stood up and said "I'm the one who said that" a woman who looked 26 stood up and walked to the teacher and she took Ega's hand and handed him a black knife and whispered to him in his left ear " the yang warrior gave you this" and she walked to the end of the class, Ega looked at the knife it was black color and have a half broken circle part from the left side and the yang symbol was drawn on its Handel, he stared at the knife with fully opened eyes and he said to the woman "where did get this knife" the women smiled and Ega came to her, before he can reach her she pulled some black sand from her pocket and she throw it at Ega and she disappeared, suddenly Ega's necklace started to point at the knife at Ega's hand then it start to glow really hard (necklace) then Ega fell on the ground and his face started to turn pale and the class ran to call the school nurse to come and help their teacher...
After few hours Ega woke up and said "I can't believe it" he looked for his bag and brought another knife out of his bag it was also have a half broken circle but from the right side and the yen half was drawn on its Handel Ega held both of the knifes on each hand when he brought them slowly the broken circles made a full circle when Ega put the knifes beside each other, the two drawings on the knifes handles moved to the full broken circle and it make a yen and yang circle, the two knifes start to glow like the sun, then Ega saw a vision of the surviving of his twin brother he saw that the yang necklace that his father gave to him protected him from the red fire and he came out of the house after him with half an hour and he saw Ega lying on the ground but he didn't help him he just ran away, when the vision ended Ega was totally confused and surprised he started hitting everything by mistake and from the sound of the crash the nurse came in and saw Ega was breathing fast and his face was pale and his legs and hands was shacking and he was mumbling, the nurse was worried about him and said "Mr. Ega are you OK?" Ega looked at her in a scary way and he ran out of the school to his house and he went to his house to his own library and he start looking in his old books about yen and yang legends and weapons he looked for hours and he finally found what he was looking for "the warriors black and white knifes it said that the old warriors used this two knifes to close and protect the gate of souls and spirits from being destroyed and it was held from the father to the son for hundreds of years and when the yen and yang warriors are separated the knifes gives them the way to find each other because they have the same destiny........"

chapter 3 the 30 age destiny

Ega was shocked when he read this information, suddenly jerry the mouse jumped on his shoulder and gave him a candle Ega was shocked and said "oh my dear.., I totally forgot!, today is my 30 birthday?!" jerry squeaked in his ear, then Ega said " don't worry I didn't forgot, we should go to the park now" every year Ega and jerry go to a picnic in any park and they have some fun but Ega doesn't like to go to this picnic, because everybody laugh at him because of his long black hair like a plate (almost to the end of his back) and his long white coat which is a really Japan style with big sleeves which is a wizard family coat, nobody in America believe or knows this legend so he wear it, but he didn't know that there is someone knows all the legends he knows.....
When Ega and jerry made it to the park, Ega sat a Little time on a chair and jerry was playing in front of him, Ega was thinking about the vision that he saw when the two knifes glowed, suddenly Ega jumped from the chair when he saw a sword was threw to kill him and suddenly a man wearing black clothes and mask attacked Ega with a wide black sword in his hand, Ega was avoiding the hits that the man was striking him since he didn't have any swords or weapons and suddenly Ega moved the man's sword before it strikes his heart, he moved it without hurting his hand and he made a strong strike directly to the man's heart (a magic spell), the man was thrown away, but he fast stood and ran at Ega, he desired Ega's blood so strong that he would not stop until Ega dies, Ega have to think fast before the black cloth man gets him, he suddenly made a yen shape in the air and a shining white ball appeared in Ega's hand when the man got close enough he pushed the white ball inside the man's body the man took a few steps back and then he started to laugh loudly, "what are you laughing about?" said Ega looking directly to the man's eyes, the man looked at Ega and he took his mask of, Ega was shocked..... it was his twin brother "Raider" he even had the same long black hair, Raider was looking at Ega as a fox who is waiting for his victim to lose all its power and then he kill it and eat its flesh, Raider said something to Ega in japans language, he said "at last I found the yen wizard...and he is not weak as I thought, but he is going to die a way or another" and then Raider turned to a smock and he just disappeared.....Ega was shocked from his brother words after 20 years his only brother hate him and he wants to kill him, Ega fell on his knees and he held the grass on the ground really hard and his tears was getting away from his eyes, he went back home and jerry with him and he throw himself on his bed and he started thinking about his brother when he was a child, they both loved each other and loved to play hide and seek, but now his beloved brother wants to kill him after all this years, this was the worst birthday ever for him, Ega closed his eyes and went to sleep as his tears was still running free from his eyes.......


chapter 4 a gray moon's love deafeat darkness

Next day before Ega wake up he had a bad dream he saw the gate of souls in his father's old shop was broken and the spirits killed all the humans on earth and the worse that his brother died and the spirits used his body as a meal serving it to the legendary monsters, Ega woke up in a shout, he couldn't take it anymore, he decided to move to an another bigger apartment he took some jewels from his small bag of money and he bought a new apartment and it was already have a furniture, and the black and white furniture, Ega though for one moment that the man who sold him this big apartment, knows his style, he took his bags and sat on a black chair in the balcony and looked at the high buildings, when he was a child he remembered that the biggest house was almost 2 floors!! his mouse jerry was so exiting that it accidentally fell in a vase, and Ega saved him after almost 3 hours, how is hard to hear a mouse!!, at 3:09 someone knocked the door, when Ega opened the door he saw a brown hair woman with gray eyes, "hello my name is Diana, I'm the neighbour next door, I just came to say welcome to the building" her words was strangely entered Ega's brain "thank you Mrs. Diana" the woman left with a smile on her face, Ega looked at her as she go down the stairs until she is gone. then suddenly his yen necklace starts to glow, he closed the door as fast as he could and he looked at the necklace and he start to hear voices in his head, he heard his mother's voice saying my dear son I saw the cuts on your heart you really love your brother, you are hurt from inside let me heal you..... ,suddenly a great glow appeared in the air and it turned to a spirit it was his mother, she opened her eyes slowly and looked at her son who was terrified she slowly moved her hand to touch her son she put her hand on his check and said "you grew more than I thought and your much handsome than your father" Ega thought if she can touch him then he can touch her, he hugged his mother for a long time and started crying, when he let her go she put her hand on his heart and her hand started to glow and said the most unusual words that Ega never heard someone say it before...

For the life of a broken spirit lives on earth, may be love on your heart is for a good human who lives on their ground, her spirit is thirsty for love and kindness of a being that save her from her loneliest and gives her his heart and spirit.
Suddenly his mother disappears Ega was really surprised from what she said and he didn't understand what she meant with "her spirit is thirsty for love and kindness" was her life almost like a nightmare itself?, suddenly Ega heard a sharp scream from the street, he looked from the balcony and he saw his brother Raider and a back monster spirit with him he said with the loudest voice he have "IF YOU CAN HEAR ME BROTHER COME HERE AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!!!!!" Ega ran and took jerry and he stood on the balcony Handel and said to jerry "are you ready" ,then he jumped from the balcony from the 13 floor and landed safely on the ground like a light feather he went to his brother and he ways away from him with 1 meter away, Raider gave a wicked smile and Ega looked at his brother and said "I'm here" "well, well, well looked who decided to show out....at last", "I think will have to finish it right here and now" jerry the mouse turned into a nine-tailed fox and Raider's was a mutant, the two masters and monsters started to fight the mutant was attacking with its claws, sharp tail and the strong bits and the fox used its 9 magic tails and it's sharp teeth, Ega was using a long metal thick stick tied to its two ends a big strange shaped knifes and raider had two big and wide swords, suddenly the fox a falling down shout Ega looked at his fox and it was lying on the ground with its body full of injures and cuts and the mutant attacked Ega and it was so fast that before Ega could take any step the mutant made him look like a dead person, Ega fell on the ground and when he tried to get up Raider placed his leg on his chest and pointed the sword on Ega's neck "looks like the yen wizard isn't strong enough to save himself, looks like you end today Ega" raider raised the sword and it was the end for Ega he thought that nothing could save him now, but he was wrong suddenly his neighbour Diana came down and saw Ega she shouted "STOP!!!" Raider looked at her in a shock, and she continued "don't kill him! He didn't do anything LEAVE HIM!!" raider stared at the women and took a step back "I SAID LEAVE! LEAVE HIM AND LEAVE US ALONE!!!!" Raider stared at Diana and called his monster and he sat at his back and the monster ran away and Raider thought "maybe it is not your day after all", Diana went Ega and tried to talk to him but Ega fainted, the last thing he saw is Diana's gray eyes.........
Last edited by aquatica on Thu Nov 17, 2011 5:53 pm, edited 7 times in total.
  





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Sat Sep 24, 2011 3:27 am
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Butterfly18 says...



Okay, first thing, aquatica.

Paragraphing. Whenever a new character speaks, there is a change in Point of View, the meaning, concept etc changes its a new paragraph.
Second, Your punctuation.
Your post should be set out like this:

"Mum...mum...Raider...NO!!" said Ega when he was sleeping and woke up and said, "It's only a bad dream"

Jerry the mouse woke up and jumped on Ega's shoulder and start rubbing his fur on Ega's cheek.

"Oh no Mr., sleep in your own bed." Ega got up and put jerry on a pillow beside the room door, and then he went back to sleep in his bed. Ega was wearing a yin half necklace all the time even when he was sleeping. When the clock stroked 12:00 his yin necklace start to shine and Ega's tears started falling.

H
e was dreaming of his past when his father gave the yin half necklace when he was a child and he gave the yang half to his twin brother. He told his brother, "One day son, you are going to be a great warrior like your father."
He held Ega's shoulder and said, "...and you are going to be a great wizard when you grow up like your mother."

Ega's child past looked at the necklace and said, "Why you gave us this necklaces father?"

The father smiled at both of them and said, "To protect you and your brother. Promise me that you are going to take care of each other, promise me."

Ega smiled and said, "I promise father."

Then in the dream changed into a nightmare when he saw the memory of the death of his family. The house was burning and they were trapped in the house. Their mother and father opened the door.

It was stuck and the parents opened it barely enough for the two twins to get through. Both children were running when Ega stopped and looked behind.

His father shouted, "RUN EGA!!! ,RUN."

Ega started crying and said, "But father what about you?!"

"Don't worry about me, just RUN, RUN RUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!"

Ega ran as fast as he could.

Ega's mother said in pain, "We are not going to survive are we Long?" Ega's father hugged his wife for the last time before they burn to death said, "At least our sons are safe."


Well, that's just to show you how it should be set out and punctuated. Obviously I didn't alter your wording because that's up to you to change as it's your voice. I noticed a few switches in tense, but that's easily fixed.

Very interesting so far, aquatica. Keep learning and this story could be really great in my opinion.
Hope this helps.

:)
  





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Sun Sep 25, 2011 1:32 pm
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Starrywolf says...



I don't think the last poster missed anything, so I can can skip the nitpicky part.

I find that when things have a ton of punctuation, ("...NO!!") it kind of looks... weird? Jut something that bothers me.

When you said "burn to death," it kind of looked wrong, like the line didn't fit. To me, anyway.

The entire thing kind of seemed like an information dump, meaning the only dialogue was to supply the reader with random information. These kind of things are a little unrealistic, but I think it was a little more excuseable as a dream.
If you fix up the grammar and things like that, this could be a good story. :)
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:54 pm
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guineapiggirl says...



Hi aquatica. I agree with the others. You need to add some paragraphing and sort out the punctuation, and the tenses. The title really confused me, just as an example. I've come to the conclusion that the novel this is the beginning of is called 'Ega and the Life of Raider'. This is the first chapter and the chapter is called 'The Lost Dreams and Pain'. Am I right? The title and chapter heading are still a little confusing though.
I noticed this story because you entered it for a historical story competition; there was nothing in the story that told me what time it was set in. That can be easily fixed if it is a historical piece of work.
The idea, however, seems like a good one, and grammar can be learned. You're only 13 and so there's plenty of time for this. Really look at this story and the grammar. Keep writing!
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:54 pm
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guineapiggirl says...



Hi aquatica. I agree with the others. You need to add some paragraphing and sort out the punctuation, and the tenses. The title really confused me, just as an example. I've come to the conclusion that the novel this is the beginning of is called 'Ega and the Life of Raider'. This is the first chapter and the chapter is called 'The Lost Dreams and Pain'. Am I right? The title and chapter heading are still a little confusing though.
I noticed this story because you entered it for a historical story competition; there was nothing in the story that told me what time it was set in. That can be easily fixed if it is a historical piece of work.
The idea, however, seems like a good one, and grammar can be learned. You're only 13 and so there's plenty of time for this. Really look at this story and the grammar. Keep writing!
  





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179 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 11017
Reviews: 179
Sat Oct 01, 2011 2:55 pm
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guineapiggirl says...



Hi aquatica. I agree with the others. You need to add some paragraphing and sort out the punctuation, and the tenses. The title really confused me, just as an example. I've come to the conclusion that the novel this is the beginning of is called 'Ega and the Life of Raider'. This is the first chapter and the chapter is called 'The Lost Dreams and Pain'. Am I right? The title and chapter heading are still a little confusing though.
I noticed this story because you entered it for a historical story competition; there was nothing in the story that told me what time it was set in. That can be easily fixed if it is a historical piece of work.
The idea, however, seems like a good one, and grammar can be learned. You're only 13 and so there's plenty of time for this. Really look at this story and the grammar. Keep writing!
  





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Wed Oct 05, 2011 5:34 pm
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Leahweird says...



This is a really interesting piece, although I think using proper capitilization and paragraphing would make it a lot easier to read. Grammar is not the most important aspect of storytelling, but people need to be able to understand you.

As far as the actual writing goes, I think you can expand the individual events. For example, a more detailed description of Ega's vision where his brother survives would highlight the significance of the scene. Personally, I would also like to know more about what Ega feels about all this, other than confusion. Does he blame his brother for leaving him? Is he simply overjoyed that Raider might have survived? Does he believe the vision is real? That kind of thing.

One of my major challenges as a writer is taking my time to explore the elements of a storu, rather than just rushing to the finish. So, when I recommened taking more time with your scenes, you should know I'm struggling with the smae thing years down the line, so don't panic if it takes a while to get right.

Can't wait for the next chapter!
  





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Thu Nov 03, 2011 10:27 pm
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ally1212 says...



It's really good! Just thought I should let you know. I really like the characters so far and the mouse is awsome! Can't wait for the next chapters!

Your friend
ally
  








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