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Chapter 2 (Part Two)



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Wed Sep 07, 2011 5:37 pm
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Deathcurrent says...



Chapter 2
Unconscious Satyr 101


“Now we don’t know how long he’ll be out. Sarah and I had knocked him out for a few hours with our voices. But with the addition of your spell, which was strong by the way, he could be out for a week!” I was shaking in fury, and still screaming at him. I felt my hair start to drip, the drops freezing before they could fall to the Earth.
“Well maybe you should have said we were done louder. Who made you ref anyway?” Nate asked, his own rage apparent. Any minute now, Nate and I were going to do a repeat of the training we’d done two days ago.
“Walter’s Dad,” I realized that I had stopped yelling, “because he had to finish his level. It was only for today. We told you before we even started training.”
“Guess we’ll just have to wait until he wakes up then.”
Sarah looked furious. “If he doesn’t wake up in three days, your taking him to a dryad to be cared for. At least until he wakes up.”
I looked down at Walter. He was shivering from the cold and all he had was a coat. I picked him up under one arm, and placed it around my shoulder.
“Come on, Nate or Sarah, help me carry him back to the house. He’s cold and he can still die from being out in this weather too long.”
“It’s not even that cold out!” Nate shouted.
“He can still die.” Sarah said calmly as she looped Walter’s other arm over her shoulder. She was furious but she wouldn’t let Nate know that. We trudged back to the house. By the time we got there Sarah and I were sweating from having to carry Walter. (I’d have to tell him that he needed to invest in lighter armor.) We took him to the bathroom he shared with Nate. Thanos was quiet today, and I knew that I’d have to go soul collecting in less than half an hour. Thanos had told me the night before and had been counting down since. He always did that so I could plan around it. Hopefully, I’d be in my room by the time he reached five minutes until we had to go. Sarah and I lowered Walter to the floor.
“Okay Nate, your turn to help with Walter. Get him dry again, and into a pair of clean clothes.” I said.
“Tori and I will go get Walter’s Dad. To help you and question you about training. He’ll probably do the two of us next.” Sarah told him. No room for question in her voice.
“Fine.” Nate grumbled. I heard Nate saying something under his breath, it sounded like he was saying that Walter smelled like wet goat. We left him grumbling, and made our way towards W’s room. Sarah and I had decided to start calling Walter’s dad, W because his name was Walter too. Since we hadn’t seen, or rather heard, W in Walter’s room we knew he’d either be in his room or downstairs. We checked his room first. Which was, if you were coming in the front door, down the hall right in front of it off the foyer. You then turned left, and you were there. We got lucky, he was there. We didn’t step in, one because we weren’t invited, and two who knew what was in there?!
“W! Walter is unconscious and Nate needs your help getting him out of his clothes. He probably needs a bath and to be dried as well.” I shouted into the room. A few seconds later W was standing in the doorway. His black stallion horse body remaining in the room.
“What happened? Never mind. I’ll ask Nate. Lead the way girls.” he said, eyes narrowing as he nodded for us to go first. Sarah and I knew Nate was in for a rough questioning. That meant we were going to have a harder questioning if Nate did his version of events. We led W to where Walter was, and then went to the basement. The normal one that had two comfy chairs, a couch, and a plasma screen TV. There was a pentagonal coffee table and side tables. The side tables were placed on each side of the burgundy colored couch. The chairs were on each side of one of the side tables. They were the same color as the couch. The color of the carpet was a deep green color. It had a flattened part on it where W always laid down to watch TV or play video games if the couch was taken. There was a snack bar that was seen when you exited the stairwell. When you came out there was a wall between you and the main seating area. You saw the snack bar and the aisle between it and the book shelves. Underneath the floor boards of the aisle, there was a trap door that led down to the indoor training area, library and the dungeon that held Sarah and Xavier’s critters that we used for training. The library had a vaulted ceiling, at least four desks, and floor to ceiling shelves. They were filled with books that were for fun, but most were important and had been collected for what was in them. Those ones were collected over the years and some were even passed down through the family. Well Sarah’s, Nate’s and mine, and very few from Walter’s. The training floor was where the the stairs exited. The library, weapons closet, and dungeon branched off of it. The floor was able to be changed to simulate different environments, the lights were able to be adjusted similarly. Sarah and I took a seat on the couch. We didn’t turn on the TV though, just looked at its blank screen. Finally, I turned to glance at Sarah.
“I’m going to have to go collecting soon.”
She looked at me, and nodded. “You want me to tell you how Walter does while you’re out too? Do you have some idea as to how long you’ll be out?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I’d like to check on Walter before I have to go. Once I’m out though, it’s a mystery to how long I’ll be out. I’ll know once I’m collecting with Thanos.”
Sarah’s brow creased with worry, “Why can’t you know before hand? Will Thanos not tell you?”
I hesitated, Sarah didn’t understand Thanos fully. Finally, I told her choosing my words carefully.“That’s not it. It’s because he doesn’t even know until we’re collecting. We only know when we have to go. I have...” I checked the clock on the wall, “fifteen minutes, maybe less.”
“Okay, lets go see if the boys are done.” We ran back up the stairs. Turned left at the top, ran past W’s room to the foyer and then turned right to go down the hallway toward the living-room. We saw Nate and W moving Walter into the living-room. We reached them just as they lowered Walter onto the tan couch.
“How’s he doing?” Sarah asked.
“Thank you.” I thought to her.
“For what Tori?”
“Asking.”

“He’s doing fine. Still don’t know when he is going to wake up though.” W said, eyes narrowing, “Now Sarah, Tori, what happened?” Sarah started to explain her version of the events that had happened. She finished ending it with Nate hitting Walter with the energy-draining spell. She explained that it had been one hell of a spell. She also explained the little condition we’d put Nate on. Three days, and if Walter was still out cold, Nate would be taking him to be cared for by a dryad.
“That’s how it happened. Well from my point of view.” Sarah said.
“Okay. Now Tori, tell me your version of the events.” W said with an air that said Do-It-Or-We’ll-Have-A-Problem. I wonder if he ever thought of being a police officer, he’d be good at it.
“Okay, well-” I broke off because before I could respond fully, the world started to waver. Thanos was screaming in my head that I had two minutes at the most to get to my room and laying down on the bed. I probably had less, but Thanos rounded, so that I would hurry up in case he was wrong.
“Get to your bed and lying down. Before I have to kill something because you were hurt!” Thanos said rapidly. He really hated being the cause of an injury I’d gotten. When he was the cause of an injury, he talked and apologized so often, I was tempted to harm him. Once I had to go kill Sarah’s fire critters to prove to him that I was fine. Example, me falling down to the floor and ending up hitting my head on the corner of the coffee table. It had happened more then once, and every time I’d stay out longer then I was supposed to. Sarah had said it was probably because I was healing from the table hitting my head.
CrapCrapCrapCrap, I thought as I whirled around and dashed down the hallway to my room. The room was starting to fade and waver. I estimated I had thirty seconds. Maybe. I leaped into my room and laid down on the air bed, folding my hands over my stomach before my head had even touched the pillow. Closing my eyes I felt myself and Thanos start to drift. We were on our way to start soul collecting. I heard Sarah and W arguing before I was gone. Heading toward the first soul. Let the games begin, I thought to Thanos. His response was a chuckle and a description of the soul.
Last edited by Deathcurrent on Sat Oct 22, 2011 2:30 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 7:00 am
joshuapaul says...



Okay this is much better than the next chapter. There still exists a few prevailing issues though.

1) Avoid cliches, they are everywhere and nobody is safe. The reason this chapter was much stronger in my opinion is because you manage to avoid the glaring/jarring cliches that blight the next chapter.

2) You also need to give 'W' a name, a real name. W is annoying I hate reading just W, it could be a unique name if you left it, but the annoying part is that you haven't bothered to put something in even for now.

3) Make the character consistent. Some times it feels like I know them, then they do something that seems very out of character and it doesn't change my opinion of them, I don't adapt, I just stop caring about them because the allusion is broken, I realise I am reading, you lose me. So keep them consistent, keep the story consistent.

4) GPS. Tweak it. Break up the paragraphs. Fix the minor spelling errors. Fix the syntax. Read this aloud, read everything you post aloud just once, if a line falls awkwardly change it and read it aloud again. It's not a major issue and for some - including me - it comes with time. You just need to grind through it until it is smooth and easy to read, every little pause you induce costs you a little of the readers attention, enough errors and you lose the reader altogether.

hope this all helps
JP.
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Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:52 am
LindsayG says...



Hey!!

So Joshua seems to have pretty much talked about everything so I'll just do my very best.

Okay, so um I liked this chapter, and what it had to offer..don't know if I'm making sense.. ugh. Let's just say that for tha basic components of a chapter it was fulfilling. But I have to agree with Joshua on most of the things he listed, well especially about the paragraphs...some are really huge.


Example;

“What happened? Never mind. I’ll ask Nate. Lead the way girls.” he said, eyes narrowing as he nodded for us to go first. Sarah and I knew Nate was in for a rough questioning. That meant we were going to have a harder questioning if Nate did his version of events. We led W to where Walter was, and then went to the basement. The normal one that had two comfy chairs, a couch, and a plasma screen TV. There was a pentagonal coffee table and side tables. The side tables were placed on each side of the burgundy colored couch. The chairs were on each side of one of the side tables. They were the same color as the couch. The color of the carpet was a deep green color. It had a flattened part on it where W always laid down to watch TV or play video games if the couch was taken. There was a snack bar that was seen when you exited the stairwell. When you came out there was a wall between you and the main seating area. You saw the snack bar and the aisle between it and the book shelves. Underneath the floor boards of the aisle, there was a trap door that led down to the indoor training area, library and the dungeon that held Sarah and Xavier’s critters that we used for training. The library had a vaulted ceiling, at least four desks, and floor to ceiling shelves. They were filled with books that were for fun, but most were important and had been collected for what was in them. Those ones were collected over the years and some were even passed down through the family. Well Sarah’s, Nate’s and mine, and very few from Walter’s. The training floor was where the the stairs exited. The library, weapons closet, and dungeon branched off of it. The floor was able to be changed to simulate different environments, the lights were able to be adjusted similarly. Sarah and I took a seat on the couch. We didn’t turn on the TV though, just looked at its blank screen. Finally, I turned to glance at Sarah.

The effect of this is that, it sorts of takes the interest of the reader away fro just a little bit. Just try breaking this into smaller parts.

But besides that, I liked the plot line and everything else.

Keep writing....
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Fri Oct 28, 2011 4:02 am
ShadowComet says...



Sup Deathcurrent,
I think that this part of chapter 2 is really good, but I can't find anything to change. The other reviews may say many things, but only some of their input is useful. The other reviewers covered most everything.
I think cliches are pretty good.
The way I think of it sometimes is that the writing is a recipe. The name of the chapter, if it has one, is the base. The details and events are mostly the parts and pieces of the recipe. Cliches are spices and condiments, so they add flavor to a part of a book. A little of dry humor and a good amount of laughs are like the things that in small enough amounts are ok, but too much and it is bad.

Hope my review can help,


ShadowComet
" Everybody dies. Thats just the way it is."-George from Dead Like Me
  








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