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Dragonmaster Chapter 18: Disappearance



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Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:47 pm
DakotaK says...



“Victor?”I groaned as I slowly woke and found myself sitting on a hard wooden chair, my top half lying on the kitchen table. I sat up quickly and saw Zoey sprawled over the table across from me in the same manner. Drool lay in a puddle under her gaping mouth and I let out a sigh. We must have fallen asleep while talking last night.
We had talked about our childhoods and how she had loved helping her dad out at the old inn. One thing had led to the next thing and before I even knew it, I had missed most of a whole night’s sleep and my body ached from the uncomfortable position I’d lain in all night.
“Zoey.” I smacked the table as I stood up and she woke with a start. “Time to get up.” I stretched, yawning.
She looked up groggily. “Oh, I thought it was mother...” she moaned, standing up to trudge off toward her own room. I bent down and picked up the clothing, boots, and crutches. Victor’s tunic was missing so I realized he must have woken already and decided to go explore without me. I was too tired to care and almost fell backwards down the stairs.
I opened Timmy’s bedroom door and found him wide awake sitting upright in bed.
“Morning, Zavier!” He squeaked brightly and I entered the room slowly.
“Yeah, morning,” I muttered a reply. “Here.”I set the pile of stuff on his bed except for the bottle of potion.
“I’m going back to bed, Timmy, I didn’t sleep good last night.” He nodded encouragingly and picked up the tunic.
“I can get these on by myself- Oh wow, where did you find these?” He held up the tiny wood crutches and I waved him away.
“Not right now, Timmy, I’m really tired.” I left the room and entered the doorway across from it, tossing Valsephony to the floor before flopping into the inviting bed. It took me mere seconds before I was engulfed in a welcoming sleep.




I rolled over when someone gently shook me. I longed to never leave this blissful sleep and return to reality.
“Zavier, honey, you need to wake up.” Honey? I shivered. No one called me that! I cracked an eye opened and sighed from relief. It was just Donña being motherly.
“Donña, don’t scare me like that! What time is it anyway?” I asked groggily. She let out a small smile.
“It’s late afternoon, dinner will be ready in a few hours. You had best get up and wash. Don’t worry about Timmy. He’s downstairs hobbling around as best as he can.” She was smiling and I threw the covers off to rise to my feet, feeling slightly refreshed and on the road to becoming awake. Then it hit me.
“Where’s Victor?”
She shook her head.
AI don’t know. He left this morning before breakfast when it was still dark; I heard the back door creaking. Oh, and you and Zoey shouldn’t stay up so late.”She gave me a concerned look and I blushed slightly as I looked away, a touch of panic filling me. Victor should have been back by now.
“Sorry about that, Donña,” I offered distractedly. “Zoey got me dinner since I was back so late and then we started talking and I woke up down there.” I spoke sheepishly, noting the worried glint in her gaze before she turned and left the room.
After washing up I ran down the stairs to find Donña in the kitchen stirring a steaming pot of bubbling stew. Zoey sat at the table monitoring Timmy while he hobbled around the kitchen on the tiny crafted crutches.
“Good evening, Zavier, I see you’re finally up.” Timmy was smiling as he noted on my late appearance in the kitchen.
“Glad you like them.” I pointed to the wooden crutches and Timmy’s smile widened.
“Yep, they’re great, they look exactly like my old ones. Where did you find them?” I shrugged before I pulled out a chair and took a spot at the table.
“The old lady who sold me the clothes had them along with the boots,” I replied, my mind returning to the odd woman and her secrets. Timmy looked up at me, an odd expression across his small face, one of wonder and confusion.
“What?” I asked, suddenly wondering if somehow Timmy was the answer to all these questions. If it really was his stuff then possibly he had known her. He shook his head and returned to circling the table.
“Oh... it’s nothing,” he spoke as if mesmerized. I decided to drop it, my worry for Victor was stronger than my curiosity of last night. I turned and saw Zoey staring at me so quickly leaned down to lace up my boots.
“Any word from Victor yet?”I asked Donña hopefully as she turned away from her bubbling pot and I sat up but she shook her head.
“No, I’m sorry.”She smiled softly then glanced over at Zoey who was still being irritating and staring at me.
I shrugged, hiding my concern. “He’ll probably be back for dinner; I’ve never known Victor to miss a meal if he could help it.”
Donña smiled again and turned away from me back to the stove.
“Where’s Zack?” I asked suddenly remembering the sandy haired boy from before. Zoey rolled her brown eyes.
“He’s out playing knight on your unicorn. I hope you don’t mind, she seems to be doing fine with him though.”
I rose from my spot and glanced out the small kitchen window. Shika was standing next to the fence, her back leg crooked in a resting position and her head dropped, browsing through the lush green pasture. Zack was sitting on her broad back, his hand in the air bearing a stick sword and he was shouting an inaudible threat to his enemy: a scarecrow across the yard. Xyle’s stall was empty. I sighed and turned away from the window to find my chair vacated by a large brown tabby tom.
“Well hello there,” I murmured to the tomcat.
Zoey let out a squeak as I reached out a hand to pet the tom and in a second he shot out a long clawed paw and raked it across my outstretched hand.
I pulled my hand back in an instant and in a knee-jerk reaction kicked the wood chair across the room. It skidded across the floor on the two hind legs then hit the far wall and sent the tom yowling out the open window and with a satisfactory splash he landed in the goldfish pond below the window.
I grinned then turned around to face three pairs of eyes staring up at me. Oops.
“Bravo, Zavier, no one’s had as good a show as that in weeks!”Zoey complemented as she smiled and clapped her hands together. Donña frowned disapprovingly and turned back to her pot.
“I’ll have you know, Zavier, that as long as you stay here, that cats name is Rufus and he is a part of this family.” She glared at Zoey. “Despite the fact that neither of the two children like him very much and he’s seen more death traps in his life than meals. I’d appreciate it if you would leave him alone for the rest of your stay.” I returned the chair to its spot and sank back down in it.
“Yes, Ma’am, it won’t happen again.” I mumbled reflecting that it had been the cat’s stupid fault and he deserved every ounce of water he’d obtained. But still, I felt slightly guilty that I’d displeased Donña.
“Thank you. Anyhow, dinner’s ready now.” She eyed Zoey who rose from her chair in a >do I have to do this’ way and pulled a stack of clean plates from a wall cabinet and set them on the table.
Dinner was ham-bone stew and another loaf of sourbread and mugs of warmed milk. It was getting dark as we sat down to dine and my worries for Victor grew. Where had he gone, and was he alright? I ate slowly, enjoying the home cooked meal immensely as it disappeared from my plate.
Everyone else had finished long before I finally rose from the table and set my dishes in the sink. I passed by Zoey who was in the living room sitting with Donña, speaking quietly.
“Um, Donña? Could I have a word with you please?” I asked, hating to interrupt the hushed conversation. She threw her daughter one last look before she rose from the low sunk couch at my request and came to the doorway where I stood.
“Yes, Zavier, what is it?” She looked concerned, but for what reason I did not know.
“I was wondering if it could be possible for Timmy to have a room on the lower level? It would be easier for him and I wouldn’t have to worry about him falling down the stairs.” I asked softly, watching her concerned face carefully.
“I’m sorry, Zavier, we don’t have any spare rooms on the lower level. I guess he can sleep on the couch if you wish.” She shook her head as she spoke, a look of slight disappointment flashing across her face.
I heard a squeak as the couch was relieved of its other occupant and Zoey came over to stand in the doorway next to her mother.
“Mom, he can have my room. I’ll move upstairs until they leave.” Donña’s black gaze flashed as she glared at her daughter. She seemed reluctant to speak in front of me so gave in.
“I suppose if you don’t mind, that will be fine,” she muttered curtly. I nodded and left to climb the stairs and get Timmy, when Donña hurried after me and stopped me. She sat a hand on my shoulder and I turned to find Zoey had left.
“Zavier, you will stay away from my daughter while you are here. I don’t want to see you two alone again while you stay here.” Worry and anger along with a deep hatred shown in her gaze and I felt appalled.
“Don’t you trust me, Donña? Speaking never hurt anybody... Zoey just wanted someone to talk with,” I stammered, wondering what she was getting at. “But if that is your wish I will try my best to please you. You needn’t worry about me, I promise,” I added respectfully, realizing there was something far deeper then the fact I’d staid up talking with Zoey going on here. Donña shook her head.
“I’m sorry, Zavier that I’m so worried about things like this... I know I shouldn’t be...” Her gaze softened and she seemed slightly embarrassed by her antics. She nodded and patted my shoulder as her lower lip quivered before she left me in the hallway alone with my thoughts. What a strange person.
At the top of the stairs I found Victor’s door opened and my heart leapt as I hurried over to it, Victor had returned! I ran in to the room and almost trampled Timmy who was lying in the doorway.
“Timmy! Are you alright!?”I shouted, fear overwhelming me as I saw the boy laying there, deathly still. He raised his head slowly and looked around. A purple bruise showed on his forehead and he feebly stood.
“Zavier?” His voice quavered as I picked him up and descended the stairs. “I heard someone in Victor’s room, rattling around and thumping and bumping and when I went to open the door, I guess I fainted. I don’t really know-” He sounded terrified.
Once on the lower level of the house, I found Zoey’s room easily and entered, glad she wasn’t there. “It’s alright now you’re going to stay in this room for a while, okay?” He nodded feebly and as I sat him on the bed he closed his eyes. I pried his small fingers off the crutches which he had carried down with him, then left.
I ran up the stairs and slowly approached the room. The door creaked as I pushed it open wider. Victor’s room was undisturbed. It looked the same as it had this evening when I’d looked it over to see if he’d left a note of some sort. Fear entered my heart at the small boy’s words. Was Timmy delusional? Perhaps the boy also had mental problems along with physical ones. No one had been in Victor’s room.




I arose the next morning wide awake. The sun had just started to light the darkened sky and was still hidden behind the distant hills. I yanked the covers off and rushed out into the hall, slamming smack into Zoey, knocking her to the floor.
“Zoey! I’m so sorry.” I took the offered hand and pulled her to her feet. She brushed her nightgown off and smiled.
“Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting that!” she stated cheerfully. I blushed and turned to Victor’s room, the reason for my hasty exit into the hall.
“Is he back?”I asked Zoey, as she followed behind me to Victor’s door.
“I don’t know. That’s actually the reason I was heading down the hall when you crashed into me just now, I wondered if he had returned or not.” I nodded and pushed the door opened. My heart fell. The room was empty, cold, and lifeless.
Zoey sighed beside me and hung her head.
“You’re worried, aren’t you.” It was more of a statement than a question and I nodded distractedly.
“This isn’t like him. I don’t know what could have happened...Maybe he decided enough was enough and decided to leave by himself. Either that, or he’s hurt or in trouble or something awful like that.” I ran my hand through my tangled hair and sighed.
“He shouldn’t have left!” I growled lowly, my worry turning to anger. “He was injured badly and who in the King’s name knows what happened to him now!” I let out a ragged breath before rounding on Zoey.
“Keep an eye on Timmy will you? I’m going to look for him. I promise I’ll be back before nightfall, alright?” I spoke quickly and Zoey nodded. By the look on her face I knew what she was thinking even before she asked.
“Can I come with you, Zavier? I only ever get to leave the house on Market days. Please?” she begged but I shook my head.
“No. Your mother doesn’t want me to speak with you let alone take you out gallivanting around!” I snapped, obviously offending her.
“Besides,” I added more gently, “I need to do this myself. It might end up dangerous and I wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”Her gaze fell at my words.
“Mother doesn’t need to know about it. Besides, we’ll be back before dark-”
“No, and that’s final. Your mother doesn’t trust me and I don’t want to be kicked out just yet. Like I said, it could get dirty, there’s no need for you to get hurt unnecessarily. Besides, I have this-” I motioned for her to come and she followed me into my room. As I bent down and reached under the bed my hand touched the soft blue leather of the scabbard and I pulled the sword out from under the bed and unsheathed her.
Zoey gasped as Valsephony glistened in the lamp light and her hand flew to her mouth.
“She’s beautiful, Zavier, she must have cost a fortune,” she sounded thoroughly enchanted. I shrugged and tucked her away safely in her sheath again before I stood and strapped her over my shoulder. I pulled out the glass vial and poured a few drops on her. Zoey looked on in wonder as I drank a bit of the flavorless liquid. No one else could see her now, and I saw Zoey blinking in confusion.
“A binding spell,” I explained as I tucked the glass bottle back in the sheath and passed Zoey to descend the stairs.
Zoey stopped me once again when I reached the kitchen
“Are you sure-”
“No. I already told you.” I stated flatly. She sighed and stopped in the doorway as I approached the small barn and called for Shika. She entered her stall in a flurry, ready to leave and search for her companion.
“Good girl, we’ll find him. Let’s go.” I tossed the light saddle on her wide back and pulled the cinch tight before mounting the saddle and guiding her out of the barn. Zoey waved to me and I returned the hand gesture then walked around the side of the house to the front gate and out onto the dark and cold streets, ready to start my search.
Where to start I knew not. No shops were opened this time of day so I headed toward the main gate where a sleepy guard stood at attention, leaning up against the cold dark-bricked walls.
“Sir? Have you seen a young man leave the city on a black unicorn?” I inquired hopefully. The guard paused to think for a moment before he shook his head.
“Can’t say I’ve seen any black Unicorns around here for a while. Sorry I can’t be of any more help,” he offered, yawning loudly.
I passed him a silver coin which he took, smiling, then turned and allowed Shika to trot through the streets, her hooves loud on the cobblestones. A few early risers were up and about as they set up shops and I watched as slowly the town came alive in the morning sunlight, and still there was no sign of a black unicorn or Victor.
After a while of searching along the main roads and alleyways I allowed Shika to walk where she wished, knowing her guess was as good as any. I asked around at different shops and busy corners, yet no one had seen a black unicorn with a young man riding him and nothing suspicious had happened around town for a few weeks. No one could tell me anything about his whereabouts. I was tempted to go by the seamstress, since she seemed to know so much, but decided it would be too big of a distraction. The only thing that mattered was finding Victor right now.
I decided I’d searched the main town enough so turned to the darker parts of the city, with its narrow streets and alleyways. I was heading down a dark cold street, shivers running up my spine, when I realized I was being followed. I heard the soft pattering of feet.
I spun around in the saddle and was surprised to see, not a human, but a brown unicorn standing in the alleyway, pawing at an overturned crate. She saw me looking at her and her eyes glistened with intelligence as she gazed at me. Slowly she turned and headed away from me and I urged Shika on. Maybe I should just go back to Donña’s. This was proving to be fruitless, what more could I do?
I was still thinking on the possibilities when Shika reared, and with a loud crash, a wooden crate in front of us fell onto its side and a long haired, shaggy dog fell out onto the street. Shika whinnied and skittered around the alley as the dog rose to its feet and shook grime everywhere.
I managed to calm the scared unicorn but the dog kept her on edge.
“Shoo, go on get out of here,” I yelled at the dog but he just looked up with sad blinking eyes. I turned Shika around and there she was again, the brown unicorn, just standing in the middle of the alley, her long mane stirring in the soft breeze. I noticed a broken lead hanging from her neck and realized she had escaped, probably from an unkind master. As Shika neared her she turned and bolted from sight, her eyes wide with an animal-like fear, any sign of intelligence gone.
I looked behind me and saw the dog following closely, his large tail wagging from side to side lazily and his tongue lolling out of his droopy mouth. I sighed and decided to ignore him though he continued to keep up with us.
When Shika and I neared the busier streets of Azure, I heard a harsh whinny and looked up expecting to see Xyle charging toward us, but was disappointed. The brown unicorn was rearing and people scattered in front of her clawing hooves while a man looped a new rope around her neck. She struggled but her master had claimed her. She would no longer haunt the alleys of Azure. It seemed as if she was looking toward me, he intelligent eyes pleading for help, but I shook the feeling off and headed back toward Donña’s. I’d search again tomorrow.
“Zavier, hurry! Something’s wrong with Timmy!”Zoey came racing down the walkway and I passed Shika’s reins to an overjoyed Zack who led her around the side of the house and out of sight. I followed Zoey back inside and she quickly trotted up to the bedroom door. Her dark hair was loose and flying all over the place and it made her look almost pretty.
“Zoey? What’s the matter with him?” I asked slowly, remembering his episode from last night. She stopped, her chest rising and falling quickly as she gasped for air.
“Zavier, he’s gone mad! He...he thinks I’m his mother!” Zoey’s eyes were wide and I could tell she was scared.
“Timmy thinks you’re his mom? When did this start happening? I’ve only been gone for half a day!” I exclaimed worriedly but she shook her head.
“I brought him breakfast on a tray and asked if he would like to go to the park with Zack this afternoon. He told me that he would love to, but he would have to wait until his dad got home. Zavier... Timmy doesn’t have a dad does he?”
“I don’t know who he is, but I’m sure he has a father somewhere, ”I stated solemnly. Zoey nodded.
“Zavier, I think he probably will think you’re his dad. Why don’t you go in and find out?” I nodded, walking over to the closed door and pushing it opened. Timmy was sitting upright in bed, his hands dancing around in his lap, caused by the small tremors that were normally there anyways.
“Timmy?”
He looked up and waved at me as I walked into the room then patted the bed beside me, indicating for me to sit down.
“Hi, Zavier, how are you? Has Dad returned yet?” So Zoey wasn’t lying, Timmy really had cracked. At least he didn’t think I was his dad, which was a relief.
“So you remember me?” I asked quietly, not wanting to upset him in this fragile state. He looked shocked.
“Of course I remember you, Zavier, don’t be stupid. How could I forget my own brother?”
Brother? So he thought I was his brother!
“Oh hi, Mom.” He waved as Zoey entered the room, her face a look of panic.
I reached over and grabbed Timmy’s wrist and set his waving hand down on the bed.
“What’s wrong, Zavier?” He asked, fear shining in his large green eyes. I let out a scoff and shook my head.
“What’s wrong? Timmy. You need to knock it off; you’re starting to scare me alright? Now I know that you know Zoey is most definitely not your mother.” I stated firmly. The genuine look of confusion that crossed his face scared me even worse. What had happened?
“But...what do you mean, Zavier? She’s your mom too! I mean...don’t you remember?” He looked as scared as I felt so I rose off the end of the bed and exited the room quickly.
“See? Something’s wrong with him, Zavier!” Zoey pleaded.
“And you don’t think I didn’t notice that!” I growled in irritation as I turned around and faced Zoey who started bawling. Gosh, girls could be so dramatic.
“I’m sorry alright I’m just a little freaked out right now, and I’m also really stressed out about Victor. I just hope he’s alright.” Zoey sniffed and nodded before leaving me alone in the small hallway. I felt a bit claustrophobic so decided to go outside and think.
I opened the door and was bowled over as a large stinky mass of hair bounded into me, knocking me to the carpeted doorway. The dog had followed me here and was now licking my face furiously and whining. I shoved the ghastly smelling creature off of me.
“So I’m stuck with you then?”
He whined and sat down, his tail thumping the wooden porch.
“Oh, Zavier, where did you find him?”Zoey shot out of the door, her hard-heeled boot kicking me in the head as she ran past me and knelt next to the dog, stroking his flopped ears.
“He’s so cute!” she crooned.
“And smelly,” I retorted as I rubbed my aching head. I was appalled as Zoey hugged the dog.
“That’s nothing, we’ll just give him a bath out back and he’ll be as good as new! Oh, Zavier, look how skinny he is. Let’s keep him. Please.”
I snorted as I rose to my feet. “You can keep him. I’ll have nothing to do with the mutt, alright?” She had to be joking.
Zoey glared at me. “At least help me wash him first. Please?” She was whining, but I guess I owed her one, what with Timmy freaking her out and all.
“Fine,” I muttered sourly. My mind felt as if it would explode. I was horrified that my injured friend has seemingly disappeared and I had no idea how to find him. I was sick at the thought that Timmy was going crazy, and to top it all off I still had the nagging wonderment of who the heck the seamstress really was and why she knew so much about me. If I didn’t do something to get my mind off of it all I would wind up just as crazy as Timmy!
“Yes!”She leaned over the porch railing and untied a heavy piece of rope that was holding a creeping rose against the house. The bush swayed precariously then the main stem cracked clean in two as it fell to the yard issuing a soft rustle.
“You’re in trouble now,” I groaned but she just shrugged her shoulders and looped the rope around the dog’s neck and pulled him off down the stairs.
“Well, aren’t you coming?” she demanded. I slowly trudged after her and followed the two around to the back of the house where she pulled out a large wooden tub which she shoved under the water pump. She tied the mangy dog to the spigot before rolling her sleeves up and pumping like mad.
Soon the tub was filling slowly from Zoey’s weak attempts and sweat was rolling off her forehead. I sighed.
“Here, let me do that, Zoey,” I offered begrudgingly. She flopped back into the grass sounding a relieved sigh when I took over the pumping and watched the stream of water slowly fill up the wooden tub.
“Alright, I think that’s full enough. Do you have any sort of soap?”I asked, my arms aching. Zoey nodded.
“Yeah. There’s lavender soap in the bathroom on the lower floor, it should be enough.”
“Are you sure your mom won’t mind?” I asked doubtfully. She shook her head.
“She never uses it... At least I don’t think she does...” I stood up from the pump and headed up the stairs. I was at the back door when I heard Zoey shriek and moments later something heavy landed on my back. I fell to the porch, my jaw knocking against the wood.
I flipped over to see the wretched dog lying happily on my chest.
“You idiot.” I shoved him off once again and gasped. The water pump was dragging from the dog’s rope and a fountain of water shot high into the air.
“Well...you have good water pressure at least,” I made an attempted joke as I stared at the water.
“Zavier!” Zoey was crying again and I sighed.
“Here, I’ll go turn off the outside water and you go get the soap. We might as well get this wretch clean since we already started.”
I tied the large dog to a corral post which I knew he couldn’t pull out. Shika shied and whinnied while she trotted around the pasture, spooked at seeing the dog again.
“It’s alright girl...he won’t hurt you.” I left the dog there and went around the side of the house to crank the faucet closed. As soon as I left his line of vision, the stupid mutt started up a raucous barking.
“Shut up, will you?”I yelled as I peeked around the house and the dog closed his pink maw and started wagging his tail. Oh boy, this was going to be a long day.
I raced over to the valve and found it was stuck. After finally locating a hefty stick I managed to bang it closed. The jet of water fell from the sky and splattered to the now soppy back yard. The whole time I’d been doing this the dog had never ceased his loud barking.
“Can’t you get him to be quiet, Zavier?” Zoey was exiting from the back door holding a vial of purple liquid. “Mom will be back from the market any second now.”
My insides dropped. So that was why Donña hadn’t been out here complaining yet; she wasn’t even here!
“Bring him over here and put him in the water. He’s not going to like this, its freezing cold,” Zoey ordered. I walked up to the shaggy looking dog and he blinked at me as I untied him. I walked him over to the basin and patted the side.
“Alright buddy, get in.” The dog leapt into the air and with a huge splash, landed in the wooden barrel. I looked over at Zoey. We were both soaking wet, our clothes dripping.
“He thinks this is all a game,” Zoey said through clenched teeth as the dog wagged his tail creating small tidal waves behind him in the pool, causing water to splash us with each stroke.
Zoey pulled a cork from the bottle she’d brought out and dumped the contents on his head. I gagged. She’d probably chosen the most perfumed shampoo in the whole town of Azure. Didn’t people know there was such a thing as unscented soap!
Soon bubbles were rising from the water and the dog was a white frothing heap of soap. His pink tongue lolled out happily as his tail sent bubbles flying through the air. We scrubbed and rubbed and washed and Zoey fretted, as slowly, a less smelly and despicable creature appeared from the mass of grime.
“What are you going to name him?”Zoey asked as she reached a soapy hand up and tucked her loose hair behind her ear. My mind had been on Victor and Timmy, so for a moment I was confused.
“Oh. The dog...I’m not going to keep him so you name him.” Zoey rolled her eyes.
“Zavier, can’t you see? You’re stuck with him. This dog is obviously attached to you.” She pointed at the broken water spout for emphasis.
“How are we going to rinse him off?” I asked and Zoey’s eyes widened from frustration.
“Um...I guess we could take him inside... We have indoor bath water there. And it’s warm too...”
AI don’t really think that would be a good idea, Zoey,” I muttered cautiously. She shook the bubbles from her hands and groped around in the murky water for the trailing rope.
“Nonsense, it’ll be fine. We have to get the soap off somehow. Besides, it’s getting chilly out here, we don’t want him to get a cold now do we?”
That was the least of my concerns.
She picked up the wet rope and gave the dog a tug. He let out a low growl then whimpered as he tried to wade out of the pool and cover me with slimy dog licks.
“Here I’ll take him,” I offered disgustedly, my temper rising. She tossed me the rope and I managed to pull the large dog out of the basin. He followed me obediently up the porch stairs and his toenails clicked as he slipped and skidded across the kitchen floor. We managed to get him in the bathroom without too much hassle and Zoey left me with him to wipe up the muddy foot prints he’d left behind.
The dog lay down on his belly in the long tub and seemed to smile as the warm water rushed over his back and slowly filled the tub up. I rinsed the soap off as best as I could then pulled him from the tub onto a white cotton towel I’d laid out. The door squeaked and the dog let out a small bark as Zoey entered.
“What took so long?” I asked and she smiled at me.
“I cleaned up the back yard a bit and wiped his foot prints off the kitchen floor. Anyway, have you thought of a name for him?” I was silent for a bit.
“How about Taz?” I said, not really wanting to do this right now. She smiled.
“That will work great!”And then Taz did what most wet dogs end up doing. He shook. Water sprayed everywhere: the mirror was splattered, the floor, the walls, and the door. Not to mention Zoey and myself.
“Ugh.”Zoey grabbed a towel and started to towel dry Taz and I grabbed another one and started to help.
The dog had a long double coat which was sopping wet and proved difficult to dry. The inside was a soft down grey which refused to dry and the outside was a coarse brownish tan color. He had large floppy ears, a big black smile and a huge, gorgeously furred tail with a black diamond on it. Over all, he was a pretty good looking mutt.
It took us over an hour to finally get him dried decently and by then the sun was setting outside the window. I was dying to go and check on Timmy but knew that if I left Taz alone with Zoey he’d freak out.
“Why don’t you take Taz upstairs, Zavier, and put him in your room,” Zoey suggested eagerly. I nodded and picked the dogs leash up from off the floor. He shook again but this time with less devastating results. He puffed up his now clean coat and trotted out the door, waiting for me to follow.
“Oh wait-” Zoey tossed something at me and I recognized it for a bath robe as it landed in my arms. “Put that on and leave your clothes in a pile outside your door. I’ll wash them for you.” I nodded and then froze. The sound of unicorn hooves on the cobblestones could be heard outside.
“Quick! She’s back!” Zoey shoved me out the bathroom door and rushed to the front door. “I’ll tell her you just got back and are up resting in your room, alright?”
I nodded and pulled Taz along the hallway and up the spiral stairs. He ascended them easily and I managed to get him in my room and slam the door closed. It slammed hard on Taz’s tail and he let out a loud yelp. I froze. Had Donña heard? I stuffed him in the rest of the way and closed the door, locking it.
My wet clothing was starting to itch so I peeled it off and wrapped the soft white bathrobe around myself. The scar on my side was still a reddish color and I inspected it carefully, amazed at how well it had healed. Sighing, I piled my sopping laundry in a heap in my arms. I opened the door a crack to toss the clothes out and came face to face with Donña.
She stood there her hands on her hips and a frown on her face. “What are you doing wearing that?” She asked suspiciously as she saw the white robe.
“Oh this? Um, Zoey was going to wash my clothes for me.” She grimaced at my words.
“And where exactly is Zoey?” She seemed displeased and I didn’t wish to anger her further.
“She went to help you unload the cart... Right?” I asked confused as to why Zoey hadn’t met up with her mom before now and intervened. Donña snorted.
“Zoey never helps unload the cart. Now open that door Zavier. I know she’s in there. I heard someone up here!” I gasped. So she had heard Taz yelp.
“Donña! Zoey is not in this room. I swear!” I pleaded. She didn’t look very convinced.
“Then why won’t you open the door, Zavier?” She grimaced as she shoved the door but I countered her shove and the door opening remained a small slit.
Zavier! I demand that you open that door!”
I cringed. What could I do?
“Mom, will you just leave him alone!”
Donña turned to look and Zoey stood at the top of the stairwell, her hand on her hip in mock imitation of her mother.
“I-I’m so sorry, Zavier I thought...”Donña stuttered as she released her grip on the door.
“Well you thought wrong, didn’t you?”Zoey glared at her mother and continued. “Mom, these nice people come to board for a week. They pay you a whole gold piece and you don’t even have the decency to trust them. You just go pestering them every day. Besides, Zavier probably wanted to rest. He just returned from looking for Victor.” Zoey finished angrily.
Donña hung her head and I felt sorry for her. She was just trying to protect her daughter, even if it was unnecessary in this case.
Zoey winked at me. She let her mother pass then rushed over to me. “Close one! I had to clean the bathroom up quickly. Anyway, I’ll take your clothes now.”
I passed them to her through the door crack and she turned and left so I locked the door. Taz was laying across my bed, taking up most of the space. “Alright you big lug, time to move over.” I pulled him off the bed and lay down quickly, pulling the covers over me. Taz decided the floor wasn’t good enough for him, so climbed up alongside me and lay down at the foot of my bed.
I closed my eyes and everything just overwhelmed me. How could this be happening? It felt as if everything was crumbling down around me. The dying twins, Victor’s disappearance, Timmy’s sudden insanity, where did it end?



qqq



It is Time.



qqq
Last edited by DakotaK on Thu Aug 11, 2011 6:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun Jun 26, 2011 8:51 am
IcyFlame says...



I can't tell you why it's mixed up, that's really weird! What browser do you use? If it happens again I'd suggest reporting it because it's awkward for you if it keeps happening.
I haven't read anything else of your story, so at this point I'm probably only going to point out nitpicks.
DakotaK wrote:She looked up groggily. AOh, I thought it was mother...@ She stood up and trudged off toward her own room.
I don't quite understand what you're trying to say here. It may be the odd punctuation but I'm now lost as to who went into the other room. Was it Zoey or this 'mother' that you haven't explained properly. I ight be completely off here and this may have something to do with not having read the rest of your story so I apologise for that :')
DakotaK wrote:I rolled over when a pesky hand shook me.

This is really nitpicky but I don't like the description of pesky for a hand. It just sounds odd to me.

I couldn't really spot anything else in the way of nitpicks, gaving not read the rest there were obviously some things I didn't quite follow but I assumed that they have already been explained in previous chapters.

Overall, the story seems to be progressing at a nice pace. Great job and keep it up! You can't have many chapters left to do now!?
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 5:09 pm
Daisuki says...



I liked this! I haven't read the rest of the novel, but...

The characters were great, pretty believable. The writing flowed well and it wasn't a struggle to read (besides the punctuation, and that's not your fault).

Eh, I'm sorry I don't have much to say about this - only that I did like it!

-Dai
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Thu Jul 14, 2011 12:30 am
Ranger51 says...



Awww.... last chapter (so far). I've kind of gotten addicted to this...
You MUST post more... I'm going to get lonely without Zavier and Victor and Zoey...

Okay, now for a quick overall review of the book so far:

I love this world, where unicorns replace horses and dragons are pests and meals. It's a classic world, but with slight differences - not small enough to make it boring, but not big enough to take away the classic high fantasy feel. I've done a good job with characters as well. They're realistic enough, getting angry where a normal person would get angry and messing up enough to be plausible.

I also really, really, really despise Earl. If there's one thing that I cannot stand, it's cowardly people getting big important things they don't deserve and taking it from others that have earned it. Especially when they brag about it and act all high-and-mighty over the person who deserves what the cowardly brat has stolen from life. (See? I do get mad about it. I'm already ranting.) You've done an excellent job with Earl - I want to murder the little *unkind word*, and I feel this unsatisfied anger every time I hear his name. You've brought a book character to life - something I never pull off and rarely see. (High praises to DakotaK!!) I also hate the father, too, for bringing all this about, but the kid makes me more angry. I think I'll just stick with murdering Earl and then bragging to his dad about it. ;)

At any rate, I'm still feeling confused and in the dark, but my guess is that I'm supposed to feel like that. Again, though, I'd like to suggest that if I am supposed to be confused about it, express that the MC is as well, so I can be sure I'm not just falling behind the story. I'd also like to take the opportunity to remind you that, when you explain the confusing stuff like the dragon-summoning and the strangely familiar people and all that, keep in mind that, although you know what you're talking about from the very start, the reader does not, which is why you have to explain in the first case. I've read several things that confused the heck out of me because the writer didn't do a thorough enough explanation, unconsciously assuming that I had all the background knowledge and foresight that the writer has.
(I don't know if you ever do that or not, or if indeed I made any sense at all there. I just wanted to remind you in case it came to this. (Because that way I can say "I told you so!" :D))

There was only one major flaw I noticed: you tend to use simple words like "looked" or even "was" in places where you could have said "gazed" or "loomed" instead. It brings a flowing description or narration to a screeching halt and throws the mind back to the realm of "See Pat. See Pat run." I always feel bad when I see that, because the rest of the words and sentences are so beautiful and I feel like the simple words are intruding upon and violating your beautiful writing :(. I also noticed a general lack of commas, which for some odd reason seems to be my pet peeve, but I sometimes wonder if I'm just overly sensitive about commas, so take that criticism with a grain of salt.


I adore this novel overall. Your style is beautiful, and I love the settings and characters. Keep writing - I'll be stalking you for more!!

--Ranger51

PS: consider yourself lucky to have avoided my usual fearsome nitpicking wrath - I've had a long day. I've also never used so many smileys, or signed off on a review.... I think I need to go to bed early tonight....
"We need not to be let alone. We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real?"
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Sun Jul 31, 2011 4:31 pm
StellaThomas says...



Guess who?

I. NITPICKS


I ate slowly, enjoying the home cooked meal immensely as it slowly disappeared from my plate.


slowly slowly.

No one knows who he is,


How many people has Zavier discussed Timmy with?

II. ZOEY

Firstly, I'm glad to see a female lead sticking around for more than one chapter. That said, I would also like to see more characterisation of said female lead. Zoey and Zavier stay up all night talking, but we don't know what about. He calls her a tomboy but then keeps complaining about her girlish tendencies- so is she one or the other? The characterisation here I feel needs to go a lot deeper because at the moment she's just faceless and shapeless. Give her some life. Give her a middle name and a favourite colour. Make her a person and not just a convenience.

III. PLOT

Victor is missing. This worries me greatly, because I love Victor very much. However, Zavier does not seem too worried and neither do you, who is technically Victor's keeper. The poor man has vanished, and Zavier is washing a dog! What is this madness. I'm all for having animals in the story, but you spend far too much time describing how they wash said dog when really it doesn't strike me as important in any way. Surely we should be more concerned with a) Victor and b) that omnipresent bigger picture. Washing the dog should really be taking a backseat to all of that.

IV. OVERALL

Stylistically, it's great, but I feel like a chapter on giving a dog a bath while your second main character has vanished into thin air is somewhat flawed. The same goes for Timmy- he's ill yet they seem to entirely forget this. Some tweaking of priorities is definitely in order.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
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Mon Jan 09, 2012 10:22 pm
Rydia says...



Haiii! I'm back for another chapter :D

Awkward Sentences

A few pieces of awkward phrasing here and there so I thought I'd pick some out and give you a few tips.

“Victor?”I groaned as I slowly woke and found myself sitting on a hard wooden chair, my top half lying on the kitchen table.


Okay so I'd suggest: '"Victor?" I groaned as I slowly woke to find myself sitting on a hard, wooden chair, my head slumped against the kitchen table.' The reason for this as that 'top half' is a little too vague and out of the action. A person doesn't think of themselves in terms of top and bottom halves, they think of specific limbs, like legs, arms, bottom. Whichever is the most significant at the time and since he's just woken up and presumably lifted his head, that would be first in his mind. It just sounds more natural.

Random stuff

1. Just a query, but I don't understand why he'd be scared by the use of 'honey'. In one sentence he seems more confused than anything else and then in the next he's saying 'don't scare me like that'. So basically, make sure that your character's actions and thoughts are directly linked since action is usually an expansion of thought.

2. Why is Zavier so quickly irritated by Zoey staring at him? What is it about her stare that annoys him? Just add a little more description there to better explain the reaction.

3. Zavier makes a really quick jump to thinking Timmy might be delusional! People have falls or strange experiences sometimes and that just seemed weird. Zavier is a relatively intelligent character so have him think these things through more. If he reaches a strange conclusion, you need to show us how he got there.

4. Zavier won't trust a nice old woman with the knowledge that he has a pointy special sword but a pretty face comes along and boom! He's all, 'it's okay, I have a sword'. Typical. <<< By the way, this isn't a criticism, just a remark! I actually find it quite realistic that he decides to show it off to her.

Wordiness

Try to avoid being wordy! In some places you say something or show something and then spend the next sentence telling us what you've shown/ said. This makes for slow, repetetive narration. Here's an example:

“Good evening, Zavier, I see you’re finally up.” Timmy was smiling as he noted on my late appearance in the kitchen.


You've spent the previous paragraph pointing out how late he is to rise and then you have Timmy say it and then you can't resist really driving the point home and telling us that he's noting Zavier's late appearance. We really don't need it three times ;)

Realism

1. Uh... Zack is playing on his unicorn? What?! Maybe it's just me but for one I'd expect Zoey to be more apologetic since it's very rude to just decide you can ride someone else's unicorn. For two, isn't Zack far too young to be riding a stranger's unicorn with nobody to supervise him? Please tell me what's going on here because my idea of reality has just been thrown out the window.

2. And then Timmy suddenly goes crazy. It's too quick and lame and feels very much like a 'oh no, I need some interesting side plot while Victor is missing!' moment. You need to work up to these things gradually and give them a source. Tie it to his initial injury or make small suggestions toward something he's eaten or might have aquired. Mostly though, just make sure you start it slowly and build up to the craziness.

3. Why is Zoey's mother apologising at the end there? She has every right to demand access to her own room and I'd still want to know why he wouldn't let me in. Very unrealistic behaviour going on there!

Using the wrong word

Zack was sitting on her broad back, his hand in the air bearing a stick sword and he was shouting an inaudible threat to his enemy: a scarecrow across the yard. Xyle’s stall was empty. I sighed and turned away from the window to find my chair vacated by a large brown tabby tom.
I think you mean occupied here?

Overall

I didn't like this chapter. I don't like the dog and I don't like the really flat relationship you're trying to build between him and Zoey. The only part of this chapter I liked at all was the scene where Zavier went to search for Victor and you had a bit of nice scary atmosphere going on before the dog showed up and then the character of Donna. I feel that everything else here is just random or filler or- I don't really know. Maybe it's just because I really didn't like the random dog in there.

Hope this helps a little!

Heather xxx
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Wed Jan 18, 2012 4:29 am
drashet says...



This is great though I haven't read the rest of the novel. All I have to say is that you need to indent your paragraphs.
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