Young Writers Society

I just wrote this, hope you guys like it. Note though, it takes place in Archanon, so as EVERY fantasy story written so far (by me)

Rashtara’s fiery eyes glared at the chaos that ravaged below her small stone cottage that was built beside a large yawning cave entrance that led to the upper levels of the Oganblaze Elemental Dominion. In the pools of fire, Newborns, barely days old, looped with their forms, morphing into each other dancing around the blazing fires. They were expected to do so. They were fire elementals. Their flesh was the raging flame and their souls were the visible orbs of blue and yellow fire that swirled inside their bodies.

She averted her gaze upwards following the pillars of fire, smoke and ash rising upwards towards the highest levels of the grotto. She could see many lanterns and blazing forms on the many levels that rose upwards. Houses, manors, small cottages all carved from the stone walls. For a foreigner, especially a skin-bearer this place may look quite hellish.

Better so. She thought.

They were safe here. Under the vigilant eyes of the Flaming Forge clan, one of the most influential dwarven clans in all of Sherad, the dwarven homelands, they lived far from the unbridled greed and lust for power of the Elenian Humans. With pain that felt like a lance of ice that drove through her fiery heart, she remembered the morning her father, an elven sorcerer, bribed tens of caravans and then turned himself to the Elenian officials, just to give her a seemingly normal life. In Oganblaze, she was surrounded with others such as herself, fire and earth elementals that somehow managed to escape and find a way to sanctuary.

A flame cannot become a raging fire if it is closed inside a box of stone. But at least, it will be safe from the icy winds that ravage the box itself.

She quoted her long dead father. Of course, some would think, How can an elf be a father to a fire elemental? But she knew it. She always looked to him like a father. He calmed her raging spirit and turned her into a calm flame that radiates with heat that warms a skin-bearers heart. His spirit reigns in her blazing heart. A smile formed on her pale, serene face. She turned around towards the room and faced Io, her firecat. The firecat purred and leaped into her arms. She stroked her black fur and looked for her coins. She remembered putting them in the stone cupboard that was chiseled out of the stone wall, only to find them scattered them all over the room, thanks to Io. Beneath the bed, beside the window across the room behind, below the stone pillow.

“Io, sometimes I think I should through you in a water pool of sharks.” She said while laughing.

“You seem to forget that, before you do it, I could easily kill you.” The cat answered in a sarcastic tone with a soft feminine voice.

“And you my beloved…” she stood up in front of her cat and looked down with a boastful expression on her face. “See to forget that I am the one that feeds you. There are no rats in a cave of fire.” She laughed and spread her arms before her. Io leaped in her arms as she moved towards the small closet and took out a simple crimson dress.

“You better hurry. You are almost late. You know how those dwarves brag about punctuation…” Io said as she walked around Rashtara’s graceful legs.

“I know…no need to remind me of the harsh truth.” She replied and looked at herself in the quicksilver mirror.
As beautiful as always. She reminded herself of her father’s words and smiled once again. She threw back her jet black hair and as she threw it, for a moment it blazed with a reddish fire that disappeared the same moment. She opened the small stone door and took a deep breath of the scorched air around her.

“As always, I will watch over the house.” Io said. “I heard rumors of darkfire elementals howling deep beneath these grounds, preparing for an attack of Oganblaze…” the cat continued in a grim tone.

“We heard rumors of it before…”Rashtara shrugged. She walked barefoot on the heated rocks and tried to find comfort in the warmth of the stones. As much as she didn’t paid attention to the rumors, the cat was right. It was only a matter of time before darkfire elementals storm Oganblaze and hundreds of flames will be extinguished once again.

Rashtara’s fiery eyes glared at the chaos that ravaged below her small stone cottage that was built beside a large yawning cave entrance that led to the upper levels of the Oganblaze Elemental Dominion.

Argh! A mouthful thats reall hard to say all in one go!

then turned himself to the Elenian officials

turned himself in to the ...

In Oganblaze, she was surrounded with others such as herself, fire and earth elementals that somehow managed to escape and find a way to sanctuary.

It should be a semi-colon after 'herself'.

some would think, How can an elf be a father

H doesn't need to be capitalised.

only to find them scattered them all over the room

Just take out the second 'them'

Beneath the bed, beside the window across the room behind, below the stone pillow.

'Under' the bed reads better than 'beneath'. What did you mean by 'across the room behind'? You got me confused there.

I think I should through you in a water pool of sharks

Not 'through' but 'throw'.

The cat answered in a sarcastic tone with a soft feminine voice.

Comma after 'tone'.

“See to forget that I am the one that feeds you. There are no rats in a cave of fire.” She laughed and spread her arms before her. Io leaped in her arms as she moved towards the small closet and took out a simple crimson dress.

'Seem' is the first word, plus I though the cat was already in her arms?

You know how those dwarves brag about punctuation

'Punctuality' not 'puntuation'.

“I heard rumors of darkfire elementals howling deep beneath these grounds, preparing for an attack of Oganblaze…” the cat continued in a grim tone.

Is Oganblaze a place? If so it should be 'attack on Oganblaze'.

It was only a matter of time before darkfire elementals storm Oganblaze and hundreds of flames will be extinguished once again.

'darfire elementals stormed Oganblaze....'


I don't know why but I like the cat I haven't read any of your other work so I'm not too sure about what kind of a place this is but I imagine its like living in a volcano?

I like how you didn't need to repeat the girls name over and over again like most writers do (myself included) and I look forward to more.

ok, ill start with the bad stuff, it was too complicated and the descriptions were hard to make out, but it wasnt all bad, although i didnt understand the descriptions the words you used created feelings that im shore you were trying to capture, other things are complicated too, make sence of your story then build on it.

but overall, i enjoyed this (espesially the opening scene) loads,

yours truly ' the man who makes manure'

Rashtara’s fiery eyes glared at the chaos that ravaged below her small stone cottage that was built beside a large yawning cave entrance that led to the upper levels of the Oganblaze Elemental Dominion.

This needs to be changed. This isnt a matter of, 'your story would be better if...' This is a matter of 'that sentence openly defiles and spits in the face of the mere concept of grammar'. So change it. Break it up into 2 sentences.

Okay, that was a bit harsh, only because I forgot to ention the good qualities of the story. You have great description, a if not unique, then is definetly a new take on something Im sure has been done before. And so far, its been written quite well, except for that rather dreadful first sentence which should be changed.