Young Writers Society

Thanks for the tips in the last one-I used practically all your great advice! But as to my lack of plot the first time-it was not to hook but because I was lazy I hope this is better.

He had no idea how long he had lain there. It may have been mere minutes, perhaps many centuries-impossibly long or a fraction of a second. He had no sense of time or of anything, for the matter.

He was the size of a large house cat, but thin. His most striking feature would be his eyes if it were not the fact he had wings. His eyes were green, blue and like cat's eyes-going from narrow slits to wide orbs as they adjusted to the light. His wings of coarse were his most amazing feature. Like bat's wings they were-but green. Out of the middle of his head was a gnarled horn. Down his spine were orange spikes. Long kangaroo like ears protruded from his head swiveled. He had a handsome wolf like face not at all reptilian, besides his nose was two slits but more like a horse than a lizard. Odd because he was coved in green scales. Like a dog his legs were under him but unlike a dog he had long talons and hawk like feet.

He weakly raised his head and looked around . He cautiously shifted to a sitting position. Looking around he saw he was on a hill, halfway up it. There were a few scant plants on it. At the bottom of the hill was a rarely used road. Across the road stretched golden fields of grain. A lone tree grew in the distance. At least he saw it-he had no idea what he was actually looking at.

He had no inkling of words or logic. All he knew was instinct and impulse. He
felt hunger, heat and fatigue. The young dragon collapsed.


Brittany was a eleven year old farm girl who lead an average farm girl life. Every morning she road the bus from her remote home to a small school. Every afternoon she road it back. Once home she would do homework and housework. She did homework and farm work on weekends too.

The only solace she got from her boring life was the school library, animals and her explorations. Every chance she got Brittany would go for walks on the huge farm, wanting to become familiar with everything. She would climb trees and survey the land. At night when it was too dark to work or walk she would read.

Everyday Brittany petted, played with and talked to the farm animals and pets. All the animals liked her more than they liked her five brothers and sisters. Brittany had a theory (perhaps it came from reading too many animal books) that animals were every bit as smart as humans, so she talked to them like they were. Brittany would never baby talk to a grown animal. She treated them all with respect. Even the horses liked her even though she rarely gave them treats.

Two of Brittany’s favorite animals were kittens; Cosmo, and Larry. Cosmo was her first and only pet she had sole responsibility for. Attila the Hun was originally meant to be her sister’s cat but Brittany paid him more attention. Brittany secretly thought that her sister only got him to name. Attila the Hun was the older of the two kittens but Cosmo was the smarter. Attila, being bigger, was Cosmo’s leader, Cosmo would follow Attila everywhere so when Attila followed Brittany so would Cosmo.

Brittany’s very favorite animal was a mixed breed German shepherd, border collie mix named Sam. She was the smartest dog Brittany had ever met. Sam would come with Brittany on her walks too. The dog and cats tolerated each other grudgingly but Brittany secretly held that they were really quite fond of each other.

One Saturday morning no different from any other Brittany finished her chores and homework early. She decided to go for a walk on a road she had not been on for a while because it was fairly plane. Sam and the kittens came with her as always.

They were walking for about thirty minutes with Brittany talking to the animals about a book she had recently read, The Ear the Eye and the Arm, when Sam (who never wore a leash) suddenly ran farther ahead than usual and up the bank, where she barked and worried something.

“Sam!” called Brittany, “leave that poor rabbit alone!” Brittany assumed it was a rabbit hutch because Sam would sometimes eat rabbits. “SAM!” she called again when the dog still did not come. Cosmo shied away at her loud voice.

The dark scowl on her face turned to a look of astonishment when Brittany trudged up to Sam. She had looked down and was flabbergasted t o see a bald dog with a green skin disease, a horn abnormally thick tail, orange bones sticking out sharply from it’s back and wings. Wait wings? No it was not a dog.

“A dragon” she breathed. “A dragon. A dragon!” she repeated as if to confirm. Brittany was filled with sudden wild elation. Grinning like a lunatic she bounced around yelling, “YES! I was RIGHT! There is such thing as dragons and if there is such thing as dragons there is magic too!” It felt like a huge load had been lifted off her chest. Life wasn’t pointless apparently. Sam was caught up in Brittany’s excitement even if she did not know what it was for. Barking she also bounced around. Cosmo and Attila watched from a safe distance.

Brittany grabbed Sam’s front paws. “look Sam! I was right! Thank you sooo much for finding him!” Sam happily tolerated this for a while before growing uncomfortable and pulling away.

This brought Brittany back to earth. She crouched down before the dragon who seemed to be sleeping. As she did so it weakly opened an eye a slit. It only just managed to expose a canine. Then it was once again still aside from it’s chest heavily rising and falling. Looking closely Brittany noticed a light blue dust and some fragments of an ivory white specked navy blue shell pieces surrounding the dragon. Warily she picked up a fragment. Nothing happened.

Even more carefully she touched the dragon’s side. Her finger lingered there for a moment before she snatched it back. She was surprised by it’s warm. She had always thought dragons were supposed to be cold-blooded. Brittany was also surprised by it’s smoothness; she had expected it to be rough and scaly. ‘maybe it will toughen as it gets older’ she thought, after a second glance she rephrased that thought, ‘if he gets older.’

That alarmed her. There was no way Brittany would let the only magical amazing thing in her life die. ‘Thing? No. It? No. Lets go with he.’ Brittany did not know the dragon’s gender but guessed male.

“He’s weak and starving, I need to take him home.” Brittany told Sam. Sam wagged her tail in agreement.

Cautiously, all too conscience that he might be able to take off her fingers, Brittany rapped the little dragon in her sweatshirt to take him home. What would she tell her parents, she wondered. She came to the conclusion she wouldn’t.


He remembered fainting to wake up with a strange creature standing over him. It had looked a bit like him only hairy. He despondently closed his eyes. The creature made some odd noise another stranger sound came. The next time he opened his eyes a bald (but for the top of it’s head) pink creature was looking down at him. A deep rooted instinct told him that no good would come of a bald creature on two legs. Impulsively he bared his teeth.

The dragon felt a light cool touch on his side before everything went black.

like it!ten times better than the last.

perhaps many centuries-impossibly long or a fraction of a second. He had no sense of time or of anything, for the matter.

There should be a space between 'centuries' and 'impossibly'.

His eyes were green, blue and like cat's eyes-going from narrow

Again there needs to be a space between the dash.

His wings of coarse were his most amazing feature.

of course

Like bat's wings they were-but green.

Space out the dash.

Out of the middle of his head was a gnarled horn. Down his spine were orange spikes. Long kangaroo like ears protruded from his head swiveled.

Why not try to put this together into one sentance, eg: Out of the middle of his head was a gnarled horn, down his spine were orange spikes and long kangaroo like ears protruded from his head swiveled.
Plus what do you mean by 'from his head swiveled'? Did you mean to say his ears swiveled from his head?

He had a handsome wolf like face not at all reptilian, besides his nose was two slits but more like a horse than a lizard. Odd because he was coved in green scales. Like a dog his legs were under him but unlike a dog he had long talons and hawk like feet.

I don't really like how you've written this description. Since you’re saying his face is like a wolf it should be ‘wolf-like’. You say he’s not reptilian and then go on to say he had slits more like a horse than a lizard, why? You could just say he have nose slits like that of a horses. And the last part, you don’t need to say ‘unlike a dog..’ just simplify it. Eg: Like a dogs his legs were under him but instead of paws he had long talons and hawk-like feet…’

He weakly raised his head and looked around .

Take out the space before the full stop.

He cautiously shifted to a sitting position.

Take out the space between ‘cautiously’ and ‘shifted’. He cautiously shifted in a sitting position.

Looking around he saw he was on a hill, halfway up it.

How about: Looking around him he saw that he was halfway up a hill.

There were a few scant plants on it. At the bottom of the hill was a rarely used road. Across the road stretched golden fields of grain. A lone tree grew in the distance. At least he saw it-he had no idea what he was actually looking at.

Try to use commas, dashes or semi-colons to combine these together instead of having short sentences. Eg: There were a few scant plants on the hill; at the bottom was a road that was rarely used. Across the road stretched a golden field of grain and a lone tree grew in the far distance.
I’m not sure about the last sentence; I don’t really know what you’re trying to say.

He had no inkling of words or logic. All he knew was instinct and impulse. He
felt hunger, heat and fatigue. The young dragon collapsed.

This is another part that needs to be combined. Eg: He had no inkling of words or logic for it, all he knew was instinct and impulse. He felt hunger, heat and fatigue. The young dragon collapsed.

Brittany was a eleven year old farm girl who lead an average farm girl life.

Brittany was an eleven year old farm-girl who lead normal farm-girl life.

Every morning she road the bus from her remote home to a small school. Every afternoon she road it back. Once home she would do homework and housework. She did homework and farm work on weekends too.

‘Rode’ is the word you’re meant to use and there isn’t really a need to write the same thing again like the last part. How about: Every morning she rode the bus from her remote home to a small school, and each afternoon she rode it back home. Once she got back she would do her homework and housework which she also did during her weekends.
See, it’s a lot better.

Every chance she got Brittany would go for walks on the huge farm, wanting to become familiar with everything. She would climb trees and survey the land. At night when it was too dark to work or walk she would read.

Again, try to have longer sentences. Eg: Every chance she got Brittany would go for walks on the huge farm, wanting to become familiar with everything; she would climb trees and survey the land, and at night when it was too dark to work or walk she would read.

Two of Brittany’s favorite animals were kittens; Cosmo, and Larry. Cosmo was her first and only pet she had sole responsibility for. Attila the Hun was originally meant to be her sister’s cat but Brittany paid him more attention. Brittany secretly thought that her sister only got him to name. Attila the Hun was the older of the two kittens but Cosmo was the smarter. Attila, being bigger, was Cosmo’s leader, Cosmo would follow Attila everywhere so when Attila followed Brittany so would Cosmo.

After a while you shouldn’t really use her name too often as the reader is aware of who you are talking about, use she or her.

Brittany’s very favorite animal was a mixed breed German shepherd, border collie mix named Sam.

Is this just one dog you’re talking about? If so you should say it was a mix of German shepherd and Border collie. Eg: Britanny’s/Her favourite animal/pet (?) was a mixed breed of German shepherd and Border collie called Sam.

Brittany secretly held that they were really quite fond of each other.

Held? Isn’t it heard or thought?

One Saturday morning no different from any other Brittany finished her chores and homework early. She decided to go for a walk on a road she had not been on for a while because it was fairly plane. Sam and the kittens came with her as always.

Remember to use commas, semi-colons, etc for longer sentences. Eg: One Saturday morning, no different from any other, Brittany finished her chores and homework early. She decided to go for a walk along a road she had not used in a while because it was fairly plain, and as always, Sam and the kittens went along with her.
It’s a lot better than the short sentences you have.

They were walking for about thirty minutes with Brittany talking to the animals about a book she had recently read, The Ear the Eye and the Arm, when Sam (who never wore a leash) suddenly ran farther ahead than usual and up the bank, where she barked and worried something.

Use a comma after ‘thirty minutes’ and the name of the book should be in italics. What did you mean by ‘barked and worried something’? Did you mean to say she was worried about something?

“Sam!” called Brittany, “leave that poor rabbit alone!”

A full stop needs to replace the comma and change the l of ‘leave’ to a capital letter: “Sam!” Brittany called. “Leave that poor rabbit alone!”

The dark scowl on her face turned to a look of astonishment when Brittany trudged up to Sam.

When she trudged….

She had looked down and was flabbergasted t o see a bald dog with a green skin disease, a horn abnormally thick tail, orange bones sticking out sharply from it’s back and wings. Wait wings? No it was not a dog.

Take out ‘had’. … a bald dog with green skin disease, a horn, an abnormally thick tail and orange bones sticking out sharply from it’s back and wings.

“A dragon” she breathed. “A dragon. A dragon!” she repeated as if to confirm.

as if to confirm it

Brittany was filled with sudden wild elation. Grinning like a lunatic she bounced around yelling, “YES! I was RIGHT! There is such thing as dragons and if there is such thing as dragons there is magic too!”

Use the past tense here: There are such things as dragons, and if they exist then magic must be real too!” (Do you get the idea?)

“look Sam! I was right! Thank you sooo much for finding him!”

“Look, Sam!.....”

As she did so it weakly opened an eye a slit.

As she did so, it weakly opened an eye.

Then it was once again still aside from it’s chest heavily rising and falling.

still, apart from its chest heavily….

Looking closely Brittany noticed a light blue dust and some fragments of an ivory white specked navy blue shell pieces surrounding the dragon.

Try to limit this description. Eg: Looking closely she noticed light blue dust and some fragments of white and navy blue speckled shell pieces surrounding the dragon.

She was surprised by it’s warm. She had always thought dragons were supposed to be cold-blooded.

She was surprised by its warmth; she had always believed dragons were supposed to be cold-bloodied.

Brittany was also surprised by it’s smoothness; she had expected it to be rough and scaly.

its

‘maybe it will toughen as it gets older’ she thought, after a second glance she rephrased that thought, ‘if he gets older.’

Since this is what she is thinking, put it in italics. Eg: Maybe it will toughen as it gets older, she thought, then after a second glance she rephrased that thought. If it gets older

There was no way Brittany would let the only magical amazing thing in her life die.

Choose one, magical or amazing?

What would she tell her parents, she wondered. She came to the conclusion she wouldn’t.

How about: What would she tell her parents, she wondered and came to the conclusion that she shouldn't.

He remembered fainting to wake up with a strange creature standing over him.

How about: He remembered fainting and then waking up to find a strange…


All in all, this was an interesting read, the annoying thing was the short sentences and the repetition of the girl’s name. Fix it up and it’ll look a whole lot better. I know I did a long critique but it’ll be worth reading it all.