Young Writers Society

Elemental Cycle: Volume 1- Fireborn

This novel is now being posted in a single thread. See below for the link.

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Hey there Sylver!

I'm Tanya and I just read part one. Didn't comment because I didn't have anything to add but here I am for part 2!

Kei snorted, matching the other prince smirk for smirk. "I thought something smelled bad Adri. What are you doing here?"

"Oh that's you Kei, knowing you I'm sure you haven't bathed in weeks." Adri's eyes narrowed as he glared at Kei.

Nodding in acknowledgment of the strike, Kei stood up and walked over to Adri. The two young men glared at each other, sizing their rival up and noting any changes the summer had brought with them.

This didn't sound very 'rival-y" to me. It sounds more like children going at it. I mean, I used to tell others they smelt when I was a pre-teen. IF they are as manly as you make them sound and nobles, I would rethink this. I kept waiting for them to smile and start manly-hugging or something. Except, you said he was his rival. Maybe a short description as to why?

As for what Adri says, it's a mouthful. You, you and you again. I had to reread it a time or two to make sure I got what he was saying exactly. Just me?

Jas shook his head in mock disappointment. The dark skinned young man crossed his arms and stared at them, long bangs of dark brown hair, shot through with auburn, covered solemn brown eyes.

I love the way you describe your characters, the perfect blend of detailing and holding back, creating a very nice effect for them. I thought the part in bold was a little too much, though. We get the idea he's a young man, maybe just say 'man' but they're all the same age at the academy, right? If not, you would have referred to him as being a guard or teacher, yes?

"Just so you guys know the other guys in our dorm house aren't going to tolerate it this year." He continued in the same long suffering tone of voice.

the repetition of guys so close together is an eyefull
Also, it should be a comma, not a period, and lower case 'he'. I also noticed you doing that in the previous chapter.
Here is a great article about dialogue punctuation that I suggest you read

Bewildered Kei glanced over at his rival, only to see Adri looking at him in equal confusion. "We're not that bad, are we?" Kei asked him.

Adri shrugged in bafflement. "Apparently we are. Since we've just basically been told by the entire dorm to shut up."

Flushing in embarrassment, Kei glance at his feet before turning back to his room. Muttering sourly under his breath. "This school year's gonna be no fun at all then."

"You’re telling me." Adri agreed sullenly. Sticking his nose in the air he strode across the hall towards his own room.

Um, what? Is this really the way rivals will act? I mean, I wouldn't consult with my enemy/rival about whether or not we're acting like children. Either they are still friends, even if rivals, and if yes, there's got to be a better way of pointing that out. If not, I would cut this. And would Kei really blush? A noble man? Not too sure but you know your character better than me. The man who spoke to Marys outside did not seem like the type to blush. So, yeah.

dull eyes slid clothes and his legs folded beneath him. He leaned against the wall snoring softly.

close?

Kei's brow furrowed as he shivered in fear, he shouldn't be scared he was a big boy and needed to protect Mama and the girls, Papa would be done with his meeting soon and would come see them before bed time. He shoved the fear and confusion aside and went back to watching the snow fall from the night sky, absorbed in his own imagination. Trapped in the memory the older Kei could do nothing but watch in resignation as what little he remembered of this night unfolded

Um, what is Kei afraid of? Did I miss something, or is it a premonition he's having? I mean, you just went from describing the castle to him shivering in fear. And if his twin is older, shouldn't the burden of protecting his family fall onto him? And, protecting from what, exactly?

"Just because it's been peaceful since before we were born Adri. That doesn't mean it's going to stay that way."

It should be a comma, not a period

Ok! Sylver, you are truly gifted in the writing department. I think you have a good handle on your characters, very nicely done. I would just remind you that a boy acts like a boy, and if you have Adri warning Kei not to go all mad and fight everyone, you can't have that very same Kei blushing over something as ridiculous as bantering.

I really love the world you've created, bravo to you. I'm off to read the next chapter!

Tanya