) After her mother's prompt dismissal, Delanie(4) had made her way up to her bedroom (wasn't she already there?) and tried (eh.) to play on her laptop a bit (a bit is little) , but it was to no avail; everything was boring and she was hot. (eh.) It was the middle of August, and even clad in a pink tanktop and a pair of jean shorts, Delanie(5) could feel sweat pooling on her body. (nice) too much "she" as well. ) vines loomed before Delanie (her). It was as if all of her senses but (except) hearing had been shut off; all she could feel was the music, it was all she could see, all she could hear, all she could taste. (doesn't make sense, I know what you are getting at, that her feelings, sight, and taste were all the same as hearing, but you can't say that only her hearing worked, and then she felt, saw, and tasted) It coated her (nice) and (as) Delanie (she) passed under the arch and into a clear green meadow with strange figures dancing. Delanie's feet stopped moving and the figures began to dance and sing so that Delanie could only pay attention to them. (interesting, describe the scene more)
However, I did see a few tiny things that I questioned as I was reading this. DelanieHeart wrote:~1~
It was a roasting morning, but not unlike the strokes residents in the Scottish Countryside had gotten the entire week. This sentence was a little confusing.The tranquil green of the landscape seemed to be like something out of a stroybook; storybookfresh and crisp. The tall oak trees linked with one another to create a perfect canopy, shading most of the Brookendale's backyard. The pond held the reflections of the scenery around it perfectly. Delanie observed the scenery around her, listening to dishes beenbeing moved rather forcefully downstairs, in the kitchen. Delanie's tall, regal mother was creating Creating doesn't seem like the right word. Maybe making or preparing would sound bettera dinner for her boss; a fat man dressed in a too-expensive suit that matched with his designer toupee. She rolled her eyes, remembered her mother's shrill soprano voice telling her, "This is an important event. This could mean a big promotion and I don't need you to get in the way! Out!" Sighing, she pushed herself up on one elbow and looked around her small pink bedroom. Given the smallest room in the house, Delanie often had to make do with second-hand furniture, such as her mother's highschool spring mattress.The extra details about her room are a bit random Sighing, Delanie slipped downstairs, careful to avoid her mother's distasteful glare. No need to feed fuel to the fire flashed a bitter thought. She walked out in the burning August sun and immediately regretted her decision. It was so hot outside. She bee-lined for the forest that covered the majority of her property; the forest would be a great cover from the sun. Stopping under a big oak tree, it's leaves created a shady canopy, Delanie leaned against the trunk, inhaling the earthen smell the forest emitted and relishing in the shelter from the broiling heat.
Come and join the festivites, we are dancing merrily, so much fun and laughter, no one will be able to find you after... Delanie's eyes opened quickly as she heard eerie music and soft singing come from whthin the forest. "What the hell..." she began before a compelling feeling drew her further into the forest. Her feet moved themselves without a thought from Delanie and she felt herself being guided towards the enchanting music.
A strange arch of entwined vines loomed before Delanie but she paid no attention. It was as if all her senses could only focus on the strange music; all she could feel was the music, it was all she could see, all she could hear, all she could taste. It coated her and consumed her thoughts as she passed under the arch and into a clear green meadow with strange figures dancing. Delanie's feet stopped moving and the figures began to dance and sing so that Delanie could only pay attention to them. It looked like an imitation of water; the dancer's bodies were flowing smoothly from one liquid movement to the next, changing every second. They weren't wearing any shoes and their ivory skin shone in the growing moonlight. A collection of men and women, each as beautiful as the last, beckoned to Delanie, their voices invading her thoughts and their dance captivating her body.
The sky began to fade into black, the silver moon shining, but Delanie didn't notice; she was still enthralled by the dancers who were able to match every note of the music with their bodies. Hours passed and still Delanie couldn't draw herself away. The mysterious persons kept dancing, each move more frantic than the next. She was absorbed in the dance, swaying slightly to their voices. Suddenly, she was cloaked in darkness and squirmed to escape a crushing hold. Delanie was about to scream out before a feminine voice whispered through the cloth on her face. "Do not be afraid. I am not going to hurt you." Feeling the irrestistible urge to sneeze, Delanie sneezed, the sound muffled by the dense fabric.
Shaking her head, Delanie felt dust particles shake themselves loose from the fabric. Confused, she tried to see what they were but the bag on her head impaired her vision. Being able to think almost completely normal now; it didn't take her long to come up with a conclusion. This mysterious person had covered the bag in sleeping powder and Delanie struggled to keep her eyes open. Frantically thinking of an escape, Delanie felt herself slip off into peaceful subconsiousness. There was one last thought on her mind before she closed her eyes; Would she live to see the sunrise?
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This is just a tiny one that I noticed. Also, I would recommend not saying the character's name so much. After saying it three times within one paragraph, it tends to get annoying. I hope this helped you out! I look forward to reading more! :)soft singing come from whthin the forest
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