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MyNovelChallenge - Chapter I



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Mon Feb 27, 2006 10:17 pm
-KayJuran- says...



*updated version - any comments will be appreciated muchly*

Chapter I

The burning oil lamps gave off a faint smell of jasmine that hung like a fog in the air. The room was plainly furnished; although the rug on the stone floor was a deep red and lined with gold, the place was lit only by candles, standing on brackets attached to the wall or quietly sitting on the floor. There were no windows, which made it impossible to know whether it were day or night.

The man standing in one corner was barely visible; the light was so dim here. The shadows danced, outlining the gauntness of his face and strong nose. His dark hair merely blended into the darkness.
A servant walked in, veiled and dressed in loose white cloth, stopping still within the arched doorway, before bowing his head. He did not move. Only waited, eyes downcast.

“You may speak.”

The servant hesitated before looking up. He had, most likely, heard of the man’s infamous temper. He wrung his hands, not even seeming to realise he was doing so.

“If you please, my Lord, there is someone arrived to see you. He says he comes here from House Dharalan.” The servant’s eyes studied him for a moment. Everyone in the Inner City knew of the feuds between House Dharalan and that of his own: House Garanhe.

He leaned, almost casually, against the wall. “Show him to the study. He can wait there.” He smiled as the servant scurried out. He liked to make his visitors wait; it made them agitated, which in turn, caused them to make mistakes. Certainly an advantage for him.

He frowned as he breathed in the sweet-smelling smoke from the oil lamps; he would have much preferred to ignore the visitor altogether, anyone even connected to House Dharalan was trouble in his eyes.

Walking over to a long mirror, on the other side of the room, he picked up his coat, a dark blue velvet with vines and leaves embroidered in silver thread – certainly not suitable for this weather, not in the daytime at any rate – and buttoned it to the top. He pulled out a silken handkerchief from his belt-pouch and dabbed at his face. There. He would not have anyone thinking he was lower than he was.

He only stood for a moment. He was not sure; had it been long enough? Should he wait longer and discourage the visitor further, or would it be more use to leave now? After all, there was nothing to be doing. Lari would say I was being childish; she never could understand. He pushed the thought from his head. She would have been right though. He gave a heavy sigh, and left the room.

The hallway was silent, save for the odd servant walking through, bowing or curtsying hurriedly when they realized who he was. With the near-silence around him, he found time to reflect – he often did this; the sweet-smelling room with the deep red rug was his place of meditation. He could sit or stand in one place for hours until he reached a state of calm, though he had learnt to do this with eyes open so as not to be surprised. He was a well-known and important figure; he wanted his people to think of him as strong, powerful, not as a man who had time to sit and seemingly do nothing. Of course, that was what they would think. Commoners never would understand the subtle arts of contemplation. Neither did most nobles, for that matter.

Thinking about it now, the servant never had told him which one of the Dharalans was waiting for him. He hoped it was not the Lord Luka Dharalan, he never did like the man.

He considered stopping and asking one of the servants scurrying past, their faces a strange melange of fear and respect as they glanced up at him, but decided against it. No. No time for that now.

He turned left at the end of the corridor and up a spiralling set of stairs, towards the tower study. It had been his choice for the study to be moved to the tower. That way, he could sit up there, just sit and watch the stars as they danced slowly across the sky, rotating around the Earth as they did every night. He had even started giving names to some of the groups of stars; names he found from old tomes and songs in the library in the southern part of the tower. He had a tendency to worry too much, and found it much too easy to flare up into anger, but as with meditation, stargazing seemed to calm him a little.

He had reached the top of the tower, started as he opened the door. Who was this? Certainly no-one he had met before. The man before him wore a high-necked shirt in the typical style of House Dharalan – a creamy colour with red embroidery sewn on the cuffs of the sleeves – but no, he had no recollection of any such meeting.

The other man spoke first. “Samal Garanhe?”

Samal nodded, noting with annoyance how calm the man seemed, even after having had to wait. On the contrary, he seemed to have made himself quite at home, standing next to the bookcase as though he had been examining the choice of literature. “I’m told you are from Dharalan.”

“Yes,” the man sighed, “I know how you feel about my House, and my father in particular; it pained me when I learned of it before my coming here. Forgive me, but I had to come here. I am Garam Dharalan.” He held out his hand and Samal let their fingers touch. Only touch, mind you. He wouldn’t shake that man’s hand unless he had to.
Something Garam had said suddenly jumped to the front of his thoughts. “You’re Luka’s son.” It was not a question, not even a hint of one, only realisation. He let his hand drop to his side, with not even a hint of subtlety.

Garam nodded. “Yes, but-“

“What are you doing here? Your father sent you, I suppose. Thought I’d be taken in by your words and your youth!” Here he hesitated – he had not even thought about it before the words were out of his mouth; the man was young, much younger than he – but the pause did not last long. “Sent you, I suppose, to find something out, to ask a favour, which I might give, not knowing the connection and-“

“Listen!” Garam took a deep breath, regaining his composure quickly. “Samal, listen to me. For once, let us put any differences between our families aside. I have received some… interesting news.”

“News.” Samal sneered. “Of what importance to me?”

“News,” the man breathed, “from the White City.”

“How so?” The sudden surprise in his voice made it seem as though, for the moment at least, all previous hatred had been forgotten. “News from whom?”

“I have certain… shall we say contacts?”

“Spies.” Samal growled.

A small smile crossed Garam’s face, the sort of smile one might expect from a cat, watching it’s prey from a distance. “Let’s be honest here, Samal. There are no real men of power without a few extra pairs of eyes. I have my hidden eyes scattered around, and I would be rather surprised if you had none yourself.”

Samal’s frown tightened at that last remark. There was no denying that what he had said was true – spies were always found in presence of nobility, high lords and ladies and rich merchants – but no self-respecting man of decency would ever admit to it. Garam must be young indeed, to make such an error.

He sighed dejectedly, and threw up his hands in defeat. “Alright. Tell me of this news. What is so important that I must be disturbed so?”

“As you know, I have my contacts in the White City; I had them put there because there had been rumours of something happening within the White City although, of course, I had no idea whether they were true or not; it seemed that for every rumour I heard, there was another contradicting it. I sent my best man but, even with the fastest horse, it would have taken a good few tens of days to get there, and almost as much for news to return. Three days ago, I received news of his death.”

“What happened?”

Young Garam’s face was a look of helplessness. “I do not know – I don’t know why he was killed or even how. The sender of the message too remains unknown; the letter was not signed. I approached my father, knowing that this had become serious, that we had to do something. He refused. Point blank refused! I could not believe-“ Garam must have noticed the speed at which he was speaking. He stopped, taking a moment to breathe.

“So…” Samal interrupted, arms folded. “Why did you come here?”

Garam looked away, for a moment, a lost look in his eyes. “I don’t know the reason why, and I shan’t ask, but you and my father are always on opposing sides. If one of you stands for one value; the other stands against it. I thought… maybe…”

Garam shook his head, cursed silently under his breath. This man truly was lost. True, that he could never get on with Luka, but he could never believe the man’s own son could think of him in this way. Where were the family bonds? Where was honour?

“I shall try to help you,” he said, “but not for the reasons you might think.”

That was true. Samal would let Garam think it was because of his father if he wanted, but the reason was far from that. He would never admit it, but he could see that the man needed help, needed guidance.

The other man glanced up at him guiltily. “Thank you.”

Samal sighed and clicked his tongue irritably. “I said I’d try. I’m not promising anything more.”

“It’s more than I expected. I mean it – thank you.”

Samal frowned at that. He would make this boy into a man. Obviously, Garam’s father had neglected certain aspects of his teaching.

“There are things I must see to. One of the servants will show you to a room, I’m sure we have some free. The gardens are open if you wish to use them. Now, if you’ll excuse me…” He swept out of the room, cursing under his breath. When would he learn? He knew not to get involved, knew where it could lead to.
  





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Tue Feb 28, 2006 7:49 am
Swires says...



Nice story, the description at the beginning is good and you paced description with what the people were doing well. I think this line could be more:

A small smile crossed Garam’s face, the sort of smile one might expect from a cat, watching it’s prey from a distance


How about "A sick smile drifted..." or "A twisted smile bolted..." I think a small smile cross is too weak.

Also this:

shadows danced,


I think its a little cliched, sorry to be picky lol, there isnt a lot of general things to review, so I am going into grit..(does that make sense??? :))
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Mon Mar 13, 2006 11:36 pm
Caligula's Launderette says...



*whistles lowly* now that's a hook, line, and sinker...

only a few nitpicks -

The man standing in one corner was barely visible; the light was so dim here.
- recast the last, maybe: the light was so dim. or the light was that dim.; here is superfluous.

He had, most likely, heard of the man’s infamous temper. He wrung his hands, not even seeming to realise he was doing so.
- recast to He had heard of the man's infamous temper, and wrung his hands, not seeming to realise he was doing so.

The servant’s eyes studied him for a moment.
- he is indeed a foolish servant studying his temptuous lord so. Maybe the servant should glance, or something more passive....

He leaned, almost casually, against the wall.
- Garanhe instead of he

Certainly an advantage for him.
- for him is superfluous

He only stood for a moment.
- moment seems off here, maybe: hand of time, instead?

He had reached the top of the tower, started as he opened the door.
- recast a bit: top of the tower, and started as...

I love how Samal has such a voice of his own. And poor Garam...

Off to read the next.
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Sun Mar 19, 2006 1:45 pm
Firestarter says...



Hey KJ, just returning the favour you did for me :) I really liked reading this, and the it's making me think ... oooooh ....

The man standing in one corner was barely visible; the light was so dim here.


I think Cal said the "here" was superfluous, well, if you want to keep it, I think it makes more sense as "there" anyway, as it seems from the structure of the sentence you are referring to the "corner".

Your dialogue is really believable. One of the best I've seen on the site. Really good work.

The "White City" kept reminding me of Minas Tirith, which was odd. So now I have this whole Lord of The Rings thing going on in my head, but I'm sure it'll fade with further readings.

He had reached the top of the tower, started as he opened the door.


What? This sentence really confused me. Started what?

I really liked how you build up different things we don't know about and mention motives and people we don't understand.

Makes we wanna go read the second Chapter, which I will do now ...
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Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:06 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Thanks for the critiques adam, CL and Fire :P

um.. quote from Wiktionary:

Intransitive verb
to start (started, starting)

To begin an activity. (The rain started at 9:00.)
To jerk suddenly in surprise.
To awaken suddenly. (I started from my sleep with horror . . . --Mary Shelley)


^ So I'm pretty sure it makes sense... BUT other people have said they don't understand this part as well... so I am thinking about changing it to something else.

Hehe the White City is actually nothing like the LotR White City... but I won't give anything away now... :wink:
Last edited by -KayJuran- on Sun Mar 19, 2006 4:18 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Sun Mar 19, 2006 3:31 pm
Firestarter says...



Ahh .. you're using it as if to be surprised. Well, then, it should be "He had reached the top of the tower, [b]and[/] started as he opened the door." But still the sentence sounds odd like that. I'd suggest changing it round.
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Sun Mar 19, 2006 4:45 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Any suggestions? Need to find some other way of saying it that makes sense... Hmm...
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Sun Mar 19, 2006 7:51 pm
Griffinkeeper says...



Sloooooow down there a minute. Things are happening way too quickly! I'd take the entire chapter and devote it to establishing the character of Lord Garanhe. Certain things could be expanded on.

Like his temper.
The servant hesitated before looking up. He had, most likely, heard of the man’s infamous temper. He wrung his hands, not even seeming to realise he was doing so.


Instead of spending two lines on this, expand it!

"The servant hesitated before looking up. He had, most likely, heard of the man’s infamous temper. Once, he had strangled a servant with his bare hands, simply because he had given him some bad news. The servant himself had been beaten on several occasions. He wrung his hands, not even seeming to realise he was doing so."

So, instead of just saying "oh, he's got a bad temper" the readers now have some idea of what the repercussions of this would be.

Another thing you could expand on is the relationship between the two houses. Perhaps you could have Lord Garanhe reflect on it, perhaps while he is looking at a painting of his father. This way, you can actually give the conflict between the two houses some depth.

It's unforgivable, the way you have their conflict. You just say "oh, they don't like each other" without detailing anything! Like it's nothing important! The entire novel is going to be established on top of this conflict and you aren't mentioning a single thing about it!

So, take the character of Lord Garanhe and spend the entire first chapter on it. Then, take the meeting and make that the second chapter.

About the meeting...

The dialogue seems too weak, a consequence of your lack of detail regarding the conflict between the two houses. Once you finish the first chapter, rewrite the second so it is more realistic.

A small smile crossed Garam’s face, the sort of smile one might expect from a cat, watching it’s prey from a distance


How about "A sick smile drifted..." or "A twisted smile bolted..." I think a small smile cross is too weak.


I disagree, adding "sick" or "twisted" would simply make it weaker and more cliched. Lord Garanhe is simplistic on the outside (like his quarters suggest) it isn't likely that he'd make facial expressions this obvious. A small smile is just right for his character.
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Mon Mar 20, 2006 8:36 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Thanks for the comments everyone.

Grif, you're right - everything is definately happening too fast at the moment. I was sorta surprised no-one else had mentioned that yet. Probably should add some more description with some parts as well.

What with Samal and Garam's relationship, I agree with what everyone's saying about that as well. As this is meant to be an important theme in the story, I really should work on this.

Another thing you could expand on is the relationship between the two houses. Perhaps you could have Lord Garanhe reflect on it, perhaps while he is looking at a painting of his father. This way, you can actually give the conflict between the two houses some depth.


^ Good idea Grif, but not something that I think would work with this story. The painting bit I mean. Maybe a painting of someone else, but not his father. Sort of spoiling it a bit by telling you, but the feud is actually between Lord Garanhe and Luka (Garam's father), Samal is (about) 20 years older than Garam, and the events leading to the feud happened before he was born. I can however think of someone else who could be in a portrait... :wink:

Anyway, I'll be giving both chapters a re-write, and focusing on some of these comments as I carry on with chapter III which I'm working on at the moment. This isn't finished yet, but I'll be sure to post that as well so you can help me with that too.

By the way... if anyone can think of another way of saying that Samal 'started', please post here or pm me. I'm having some real trouble thinking of how to reword it...

Thanks again!! :P


~KayJuran~


EDIT: have updated chapter I, so that it now consists of two chapters and I think the new version is an improvement. I've tried to address all of the critiques people have given me, but please continue to comment if you can see anything that needs changing still, or if you can see anything that just needs improving.
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Mon Mar 20, 2006 10:34 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Chapter I


The burning oil lamps gave off a faint smell of sweet jasmine that hung like a thick fog in the air. The room was plainly furnished; although the rug on the stone floor was a deep red and lined with gold, the place was lit only by candles, standing on brackets attached to the wall or quietly sitting on low, wooden tables, not much higher than the floor itself. There were no windows, which made it impossible to know whether it were day or night.

The man standing in one corner was barely visible; the light was so dim. The shadows danced in tune with the candles’ flames, outlining the gauntness of his face and strong nose. His dark hair merely blended into the darkness.

A servant walked in, veiled and dressed in loose white cloth, stopping still within the arched doorway, before bowing his head. He did not move. Only waited, eyes downcast.

“You may speak.”

The servant hesitated before looking up. He had, most likely, heard of the man’s infamous temper. It was well-known that Samal had hit out at one of the serving-girls, simply because she had arrived with unwanted news. In actual fact, the servant himself had been beaten on several occasions, but it was not likely Samal remembered him. One servant was much the same to him, nothing special. The veiled man wrung his hands, not even seeming to realise he was doing so.

“If you please, my Lord, there is someone arrived to see you. He says he comes here from House Dharalan.” The servant’s eyes glanced up at him for a moment, though not for too long. Everyone in the Inner City knew of the feuds between House Dharalan and that of his own: House Garanhe.
House Dharalan. The mere name made Samal’s skin crawl. Lord Luka Dharalan had been an acquaintance of his once, though that was long ago now. Hunting together in the late August, casual talks when they first met, and more formal meetings to discuss trade, and other such matters. No such trade happened anymore, and neither did any meetings. Things had changed since then. It was not just from his point of view either; there were things Luka would never forgive him for.

Samal leaned, almost casually, against the wall. “Show him to the study. He can wait there.” He smiled as the servant scurried out. He liked to make his visitors wait; it made them agitated, which in turn, caused them to make mistakes. Certainly an advantage from his point of view.

He frowned as he breathed in the sweet-smelling smoke from the oil lamps; he would have much preferred to ignore the visitor altogether, anyone even connected to House Dharalan was trouble in his eyes. Pulling a golden locket out from around his neck, he carefully opened it to look upon the face of a fair-haired, fair-skinned woman. “Lari,” he whispered, running a manicured finger over the portrait. For a moment his normally-harsh face seemed full of sadness, before he shook his head violently, and replaced the chain around his neck, hidden beneath his shirt.

Walking over to a long mirror, on the other side of the room, he picked up his coat, a dark blue velvet with vines and leaves embroidered in silver thread – certainly not suitable for the local climate, this close to the desert wilderness - not in the daytime at any rate – but buttoned it to the top even so. He pulled out a silken handkerchief from his belt-pouch and dabbed at his face. There. He would not have anyone thinking he was lower than he was, especially this visitor.

He only stood for a short time. He was unsure; had he waited long enough? Should he wait longer and discourage the visitor further, or would it be more use to leave now? After all, there was nothing to be doing. Lari would say I was being childish; she never could understand. Even with all the pain that man had put her through. He pushed the thought from his head. She would have been right though. Treat your enemies as you would treat your closest of friends; that was what she had always said. He gave a heavy sigh, and left the room.

The hallway was silent, save for the odd servant walking through, bowing or curtsying hurriedly when they realized who he was. With the near-silence around him, he found time to reflect – he often did this; the sweet-smelling room with the deep red rug was his place of meditation. He could sit or stand in one place for hours until he reached a state of calm, though he had learnt to do this with eyes open so as not to be surprised. He was a well-known and important figure; he wanted his people to think of him as strong, powerful, not as a man who had time to sit and seemingly do nothing. Of course, that was what they would think. Commoners never would understand the subtle arts of contemplation. Neither did most nobles, for that matter.

Thinking about it now, the servant never had told him which one of the Dharalans was waiting for him. He did hope it was not Luka. He could not trust himself to hold his temper, were he to meet the man again.

He considered stopping and asking one of the servants scurrying past, their faces a strange melange of fear and respect as they glanced up at him, but decided against it. No. No time for that now.

He turned left at the end of the corridor and up a spiralling set of stairs, towards the tower study. It had been his choice for the study to be moved to the tower. That way, he could sit up there, just sit and watch the stars as they danced slowly across the sky, rotating around the Earth as they did every night. He had even started giving names to some of the groups of stars; names he found from old tomes and songs in the library in the southern part of the tower. He had a tendency to worry too much, and found it much too easy to flare up into anger, but as with meditation, stargazing seemed to calm him a little.

Three flights up, he had reached the top of the tower, and started as he opened the door.



Chapter II


Who was this? Certainly no-one he had met before. The man before him wore a high-necked shirt in the typical style of House Dharalan – a creamy colour with red embroidery sewn on the cuffs of the sleeves – but no, he had no recollection of any such meeting.

The other man spoke first. “Samal Garanhe?”

Samal nodded, noting with annoyance how calm the man seemed, even after having had to wait. On the contrary, he seemed to have made himself quite at home, standing next to the bookcase as though he had been examining the choice of literature. “I’m told you are from Dharalan,” he commented icily.

“Yes,” the man sighed, “I know how you feel about my House, and my father in particular; it pained me when I learned of it before my coming here. Forgive me, but I had to come. I am Garam Dharalan.” He held out his hand and Samal let their fingers touch. Only touch, mind you. He wouldn’t shake that man’s hand unless he had to.

Something Garam had said suddenly jumped to the front of his thoughts. “You’re Luka’s son.” It was not a question, not even a hint of one, only realisation. He let his hand drop to his side, with not even a hint of subtlety.

Garam nodded. “Yes, but-“

“What are you doing here? Your father sent you, I suppose. Thought I’d be taken in by your words and your youth!” Here he hesitated – he had not even thought about it before the words were out of his mouth; the man was young, much younger than he – but the pause did not last long. “Sent you, I suppose, to find something out, to ask a favour, which I might give, not knowing the connection and-“

“Listen!” Garam took a deep breath, regaining his composure quickly. “Samal, listen to me. For once, let us put any differences between our families aside. I have received some… interesting news.”

“News.” Samal sneered. “Of what importance to me?”

“News,” the man breathed, “from the White City.”

“And how so?” The anger had not disappeared completely from his voice, but there was something new there now, just a hint of curiosity. “News from whom?”

“I have certain… shall we say contacts?”

“Spies.” Samal growled.

A small smile crossed Garam’s face. “Let’s be honest here, Samal. There are no real men of power without a few extra pairs of eyes. I have my hidden eyes scattered around, and I would be rather surprised if you had none yourself.”

Samal’s frown tightened at that last remark. There was no denying that what he had said was true – spies were always found in presence of nobility, high lords and ladies and rich merchants – but no self-respecting man of decency would ever admit to it. Garam must be young indeed, to make such an error.

He stood with arms folded, having to look down at the other man, who was slightly shorter. “Alright. Tell me of this news, and what is so important that I must be disturbed so?”

“As you know, I have my contacts in the White City; I had them put there because there had been rumours of something happening within the White City although, of course, I had no idea whether they were true or not; it seemed that for every rumour I heard, there was another contradicting it. I sent my best man but, even with the fastest horse, it would have taken a good few tens of days to get there, and almost as much for news to return. Three days ago, I received news of his death.”

“A spy’s death,” Samal muttered under his breath, but changed his tone quickly at a questioning glance from the other man. “And how did this death occur, if I might ask?”

Young Garam’s face was a look of helplessness. “I do not know – I don’t know why he was killed or even how. The sender of the message too remains unknown; the letter was not signed. I approached my father, knowing that this had become serious, that we had to do something. He refused. Point blank refused! I could not believe-“ Garam must have noticed the speed at which he was speaking. He stopped, taking a moment to breathe.

“So…” Samal interrupted, again with arms folded. “Why did you come here?”

Garam looked away, for a moment, a lost look in his eyes. “I don’t know the reason why, and I shan’t ask, but you and my father are always on opposing sides. If one of you stands for one value; the other stands against it. I thought… maybe…”

Garam shook his head, cursed silently under his breath. This man truly was lost. Yes, it was true, that Samal himself could never get on with Luka, but he could never believe the man’s own son could turn of him in this way. Where were the family bonds? Where was honour?

“I offer no promises, and I shan’t anytime soon. Your father and are not on the best of terms, but I
can see no reason why that should give me any more reason to help you.”

The other man glanced up at him guiltily. “Thank you.”

Samal’s eyes narrowed and he clicked his tongue irritably. “I said I would think on it. I promise no more, remember that.” He sat back into a carved, mahogany chair, and carried on. “Curiosity is not always a virtue. Remember that, Garam.”

Garam’s eyes widened a little, which Samal noted with satisfaction. The visitor was obviously on edge. “A man has died, Garanhe. Are you telling me to ignore that?”

“I am telling you,” Samal continued with more than a hint of exasperation in his voice, “that not everything can or must be looked into.” He stood, and opened the door leading to the flight of steps outside of the study. A servant stood outside, head bowed. “You’re here now,” he said, addressing Garam, “so someone can find a room for you. For now, though, I have matters to attend to.”

“Thank you,” the younger man answered, and explained himself further at the glare he received, “for the hospitality, I mean. I understand if you won’t help.”

Samal watched as the other man let himself out, walking briskly down the stone steps, with the veiled servant following not too far behind. When will I learn, he asked himself, never to get involved. He shook his head, muttering incoherent words under his breath, and busied himself with his work.
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Tue Apr 04, 2006 8:31 pm
Firestarter says...



As promised. Chapter 1 -

“If you please, my Lord, there is someone arrived to see you. He says he comes here from House Dharalan.” The servant’s eyes glanced up at him for a moment, though not for too long. Everyone in the Inner City knew of the feuds between House Dharalan and that of his own: House Garanhe.
House Dharalan. The mere name made Samal’s skin crawl. Lord Luka Dharalan had been an acquaintance of his once, though that was long ago now. Hunting together in the late August, casual talks when they first met, and more formal meetings to discuss trade, and other such matters. No such trade happened anymore, and neither did any meetings. Things had changed since then. It was not just from his point of view either; there were things Luka would never forgive him for.


The last sentence is what I'm focusing on here. Really, if you loking at Samal's thoughts, would he really care about Luka's point of view? If they had a "feud" as you call it, then personally I think he wouldn't care at all. So I'm all for removing the last line. Also, try and insert some biased points of view in Samal's favour. E.g. "Things had changed since then, after Luke *insert something that irked Samal*" You seem to withholding any facts here. I'd like to know why the feud happened. There's no infromation here and it's a bit annoying because I don't understand at all and it makes it seem more shallow.

Samal leaned, almost casually, against the wall.


How do you lean "almost casually"? No, really, I don't understand. This is also an example of telling rather than showing. How is he leaning? It would be probably more okay if you just said leaning "casually" because most can visualise by themselves what that looks like. However, I'm finding it hard to pinpoint exactly how you "almost" lean casually. A mix between casual and serious perhaps? Clarify. This is a nitpick, but I'm looking for nitpicks here.

He frowned as he breathed in the sweet-smelling smoke from the oil lamps


I understand why he's frowning but putting this in the same sentence with "sweet-smelling" is too much of a contrast and could be confusing. You could just take out the "sweet-smelling" part or split the two actions completely as they're not actually related and it seems odd.

realized


I thought you were English! Use an 's'! We're not American blasphemers.

I'm wondering - why did you decide to split the original Chapter thus? Just curious as to your intentions with it.

Who was this? Certainly no-one he had met before. The man before him wore a high-necked shirt in the typical style of House Dharalan – a creamy colour with red embroidery sewn on the cuffs of the sleeves – but no, he had no recollection of any such meeting.


I'd italicise the "Who was this?" for calrity's sake, if you want. I don't especially think it has to be italicised, but I just think it would be useful and also would provide further emphasis.

“Yes,” the man sighed, “I know how you feel about my House, and my father in particular; it pained me when I learned of it before my coming here. Forgive me, but I had to come. I am Garam Dharalan.” He held out his hand and Samal let their fingers touch. Only touch, mind you. He wouldn’t shake that man’s hand unless he had to.

Something Garam had said suddenly jumped to the front of his thoughts. “You’re Luka’s son.” It was not a question, not even a hint of one, only realisation. He let his hand drop to his side, with not even a hint of subtlety.


If both sides have spies, surely he knows what Luke's son looks like? I would have guessed so, otherwise his information sucks.

“News,” the man breathed, “from the White City.”


Breathed as an action or as a method of talking? If it's the former you need full stops rather than commas, but I think you might mean the latter.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:36 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Thanks for the crit, Fire! Very helpful.

I thought you were English! Use an 's'! We're not American blasphemers.


^ arg! What am I doing?! I've obviously been on this site too long, my spellings being corrupted!! (Not that I'd ever leave though, no chance of that! :wink:)

Great that you've mentioned stuff that people haven't said before. I like it when that happens!

Will work on this tomorrow, and I promise I'll get your crit done as well. :P
  





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Tue Apr 04, 2006 9:45 pm
Niamh says...



Very interesting story. Sorry I don't have time to read it all now.

"He only stood for a moment. He was not sure; had it been long enough? Should he wait longer and discourage the visitor further, or would it be more use to leave now? After all, there was nothing to be doing. Lari would say I was being childish; she never could understand. He pushed the thought from his head. She would have been right though. He gave a heavy sigh, and left the room."

I really like this quote, because it shows there might be more to the character than a self-righteous exterior. Details like that are important.

I'd love to read more.
"It is in truth not for glory, nor riches, nor honours that we are fighting, but for freedom -- for that alone, which no honest man gives up but with life itself." -- Declaration of Arbroath
  








Making the simple complicated is commonplace; making the complicated simple, awesomely simple, that's creativity.
— Charles Mingus