Young Writers Society

The black cloaked figure shot a glance into his generals eyes.
"I'm sorry my master i couldn't capture the king...I'm sorry my lord" the generals voice broke as the cloaked figure pulled his hood down, to reveal his scared and battered pale face. The evil figure waved his hand in front of the generals face, the general fell to the floor. Dead. Then two men covered in battered grey armour strode up to the cloaked figure.
"Lord Ciyalion, our army had moved into position, we are ready for them"
"Excellent, do not fail me, Slave" whispered the lord.
Lord Ciyalion watched as the armored men walked of into the distance, he then looked out from his cliff and glanced at his army which was hidden in the valley of mountains. A grey fog covered the top of the mountain tops, so no matter how hard you tried you couldn't see the top.
"GO MY MINIONS, AND BRING FORTH THE DESTRUCTION OF THESE VILE DWARF'S" shouted Ciyalion.
His army of ogres, trolls, orcs, and his own unique units called the tower guard marched forward into the night. No one knew anything about the tower guard, just that they were the lord most vicious and loyal subjects, they to were hidden in a black robe so you could only see there red eyes glowing from the darkness.

The lord whispered to himself
"I will finally get my revenge on that grovelling scum they call a king, for every time they took my family away from me, i grew stronger, now our time has come."
Then a second cloaked figure walked out of the shadows.
"very nice, but i have a job to do, can we please hurry up" her voice echoed through the valley.
"after we win this war ill see to it that u perish in my flame" the lord replied.
"Great i cant wait" she whispered and she mounted onto her black steed.

They both galloped to the front of the army, and as the canyon ended, it opened up into a massive field, which gave both sides a chance to glare at there opposition.
"Conquer these dwarfs in the name of the armada, and bring me their king. ALIVE"

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2Nd episode coming soon, all will be revealed in the next one

First of all, welcome to the boards. You know that we as writers learn more from critiqueing others works as opposed to having our own work critiqued. Hope you have fun here!

Right now for the story. I found it a little cliched and unoriginal, it seemed the emperor you described was like darth sidious from starwars. I arnt saying there is nothing wrong with this but is seems a little overdone with fantasy stories nowadays. I also got a little confused with "armadda". Isnt an armada a fleet of ships?

"GO MY MINIONS, AND BRING FORTH THE DESTRUCTION OF THESE VILE DWARF'S"

Dwarves not Dwarf's. You are using an apostraphe there for no reason, the plural of Dwarf is Dwarves(I think).

Also more description could be added in order for us to get an idea of the setting. Also more work in the character of the lord would have improved the piece in my opinion.

I also felt that it was a traditional epic fantasy with the lord and yet the woman seemed a little too common and her dialogue didnt seem to compliment the lords.

Overall if the piece is improved with some of the suggestions above(description of setting, character and dialogue(how a character says)) then it could develop into a much better piece of work.

ok i understand what u mean, but im still trying to improve my story writing, thats why i joined this website, to get hints and tips, and for the spelling of dwarves and dwarf's i typed it as dwarves but the spell checker said dwarf's so i just went by that, but thx for the tips, ill use em to improve my second part when i start it

Sorry, I didnt know you were a beginner. The best thing for starting out in my opinion is saying what you like to read. What you like to read will usually be more enjoyable for you to write.

http://www.hollylisle.com

There a few really great workshops there from an author who made it. I went there and it really improved my work.

Oh by the way Killer Ewok two things i noticed straight away. It's Evil Armada right and no chat speak on this site and in stories. That all i noticed good story.