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Title: Why not. Chapter 4: Dont let me stop you



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Sun Jul 18, 2010 7:19 am
tigs6969 says...



Chapter 4: Don't Let Me Stop You
Emily Rose
I grab my hair, again, as I look around in the darkness; the memories of when my “friends” were actually nice start flooding back.
Yeah, you heard me; these three were actually nice to me once.
I guess friends just grow apart?
But why am I even here now? I mean Sarah managed to open up the door without anyone else, right? How else would she have been able to get in this afternoon?
My eyes finally see the room as Sarah presses down the light switch.
The Room, as we call it, still hasn't changed since last years' summer holidays. Light blue, wooden walls, covered in painted messages, of different colours, we left in case anyone else visits, surround us.
Sarah sits on the brown couch while Amy and Samantha go over to the small kitchen and make some caramel coffees for all of us; a holiday tradition mixed by the fact we are all very tired.
I walk over to the computer, which sits on a brown table, probably the only thing in the room that was never blue to begin with, and type the words Plump caramel pudding. As I press enter a high pitched noise enters the room yet no one, myself included, seems bothered by it.
Suddenly a bright red light enters the room and takes power over the blue.
Everybody, even Sam, earphones now out of her ears, freezes as we stare at the, stone, now sitting on the table next to the computer.
“Wha?” Sam says, for once in her life speechless.
“Exactly,” Sarah says in reply.
“And this... this is what you wanted to show us? The stone is red as usual!” I say, annoyed, expecting something much bigger.
“Have you not put two and two together yet?” Sam asks, looking at me in disbelief.
“What?” I ask, still not catching on.
“Um,” Amy starts, laughing, “Sarah's ability to stop us during our fight... perhaps the stone?”
“Mhmm,” I say in reply, not really excited by this fact, as I start laughing. “Look, I kindly got out of bed and made my way down here thinking something important was going to happen. Why did you even call me down here, Sarah? You got in here yourself earlier, right?”
“Yeah,” She says in reply as Sam passes her a coffee.
“Well... Why? I mean you all three hate me and you knew I would whine exactly as I am right now!”
“Oh for god sake just shut the hell up and just be happy you are here!” Amy screams at me.
“No, no Amy, she is right,” Sarah says in a confident voice as she takes a gulp of her coffee. “Perhaps you would like some coffee?” Sam asks, handing me my coffee; causing me to give her a confused face which she replies to with a not fake smile. I take a gulp of the coffee and place it next to the keyboard as I resume staring at Sarah; waiting for an explanation.
“Well?” I say crossing my arms.
“I, can't; not now.” Sarah says, finally.
“Fine,” I say as I get up, “I'll just leave and let you three enjoy yourselves,”
“Don't let me stop you,” Amy says, moving out of the way of the button which opens up the exit.
“OHHHHHHH GOOOOODD!!!!” Sam exclaims pulling out her mp3 player from her pocket, “I haven't listened to that song in ages!”
“Why do you have to be such a bitch to me?” I ask Amy as I press the button.
“Why did you have to be a cradle snatching slut?” Amy asks, sweetly.
“Don't let me stop you from doing what you wanna do,” Sam sings; back in her own world.
“Hahaha you didn't even know did you? Everyone did; they just wanted to spare your stupid feelings.” I say as I point at Sam and Sarah.
“Bull,” Amy says in denial.
“You don't wanna stick, trust me it's cool, take no chance, get over you,” Sam continues.
“Why don't you ask them?” I say confidently.
“Hey,” Sarah starts, “Don't get us involved in your battle.”
“No, no don't let me stop you, if you wanna leave baby you can leave.” continues Sam.
“Don't worry, Sam, I'm about to.” I say as the stairs upwards finally come to rest at my feet and I begin my ascent.
“Noooo,” Sam says, back in our world, as she stands up and grabs me back down; taking command of the situation. “She can't go... What the hell is wrong with you two? Sarah, this is gonna take a while; call your dad and tell him to start the city back up as it is getting light and tell him we might miss out on school today.” Sam giving a command to Sarah? What? Sarah pulls out her phone and calls her father.
“And Amy, I love ya girl but you know this is much more important than boyfriends and crap. We knew about them, but we couldn't let it all come out yet. Now just put the crap behind you, Emily Rose is with your boyfriend... Deal with it.
“Now, Emily Rose,” Sam says leading me over to the couch to sit next to Sarah who gets up and sits at the computer chair; Sam takes her seat on the couch.

Samantha
Oh finally; the day we tell her. Perhaps some music will make this better? Perhaps some Blind Guardianp or maybe even Burzums' Ambient albums? Or maybe just getting right into it.
“Ok,” I start as Emily Rose continues to stare at me.
“Sam, don't!” Amy starts, delaying the inevitable.
“Amy,” I say, “Just shut it. She has to be told one day. We don't even know why it went red today!”
“Yeah, but with all we know it could change back tomorrow,” Amy says confidently.
“Look, I'm telling her and that's final,” I say, simply.
“Fine, but it's your choice.”
“Yeah, it is,”
“Just bludey tell me,” Emily Rose says, annoyed.
“Okay, you remember how we first found this place?” I say, deciding to start right at the beginning.
“Yeah,” She answers; thankful that she is getting some answers, “We were just randomly jumping around in a square than we fell into here. Weren't we like ten?”
“Correct,” I say happily. “Anyway, you were knocked out when we fell, if you remember, and during that time something happened.”
“Such as?” She asks; hungry for information.
“The computer spoke to us.” I say ready for the shock.
“Huh?” She asks me confused.
“Yep,” I say, continuing on.
“What did it say?” She asks curiously.
“Four,” I say simply.
“Four?”
“Four.”
“Four what?” She asks hurrying me along
“Four papers,” I say, “as that's what it printed out.”
“Well, what did the papers say?”
I reach under my couch cushion and pull out the paper we left here all those years ago for a day like today.
Emily Rose grabs it from me and starts reading.

Amy
Oh yay she has the paper, this is going to end very well!

Emily Rose
I look down at the paper in my hands and read it out loud.
“You have entered
Ready to wake up to reality
Please use my powers for good
Reckless use will be sensed by the powers them self
Only tell those who you trust
Plump caramel pudding
'Only tell those who you trust'? So you three haven't trusted me since the start?” I demand, hurt.
“It's not that,” Amy pipes up. “It's just that you really are the biggest mouth in the world.”
“Yeah,” Sam starts, “We haven't told anyone at all. Do you know how hard it was to keep this from you everyday?”
“So,” I say deciding to change the subject, “ can someone explain what is actually going on here?”

Sarah
I stand up ready to strike.
“Sam, we can't tell her for Gods sake!” I say with force.
“Look,” Sam starts with equal force, “She is old enough now, I think she can keep the secret.”
“Yeah,” Amy says, starting to laugh, “Just like she kept the secret in class yesterday. 'Oh I was out with her boyfriend last night' what a twit!”
“Amy!” Sam says, gently, yet Amy stops talking.
.”Fine,” I say as I sit back down on the computer chair, “But I'm gonna tell her,”
“You do that,” Sam says, happily.
“Well as you probably noticed that the paper says 'Plump caramel pudding' and up comes the stone once we type it in.”
“Yeah, it looks the exact same as it does whenever we visit here doesn't it?”
“Not exactly; it usually turns green around this time. It seems to only be red during our school holidays. When the stone turns red we seem to get these powers that this paper talks about. Why do you think we came down here during all those school holidays?”
“I just thought we found a good hang out that no one else knew about,” She says, simply.
“And you didn't for once wonder about this amazing stone we found?” Amy questions, mockingly.
“Wait, is that why you called us down?” She continues, finally catching on.
“Bingo,” Amy says; happy that Emily Rose is on the same page finally.
“But why is it red today isn't it meant to be green?” Emily Rose asks the obvious question which causes all three to look at me.
“Yeah and why is it that only Sarah has powers today? I've tried to shut Emily Rose up quite a few times tonight yet it hasn't worked.”
“Wait, so that was how you did that all these years?”
“Bingo,”
“What am I able to do?” Emily Rose asks curiously.
“We've never found out, perhaps its the ability to talk a lot? Though that would mean you had the power all this time!” This causes all of us, bar Emily Rose, to laugh.
“One thing I never understood; whenever we come here Sarah gets her dad to cause a power outage for the whole of Sydney?” Emily Rose asks probably the smartest question she has asked all morning.
“Yeah, well,” I start; happy to, finally, be included again into the conversation. “ I guess back than we didn't know what these powers could do, still don't, really. Imagine all the power of Sydney and we accidentally do something and a bomb goes off or something. Plus it's a good way to get everyone's attention for a meeting down here.
“Well, guys,” I start, hoping all questions having been answered, “I told my dad to call up school that we aren't going. Perhaps spending the day here to see if the stone goes back to green?”
Emily Rose and Amy stare at each other evilly in response to my idea.
“Just give it a rest for a day, okay?” Sam says to them both. Sam, she may be an uncaring music nut but she isn't one to mess with! I think that's why she has never had a boyfriend; all the guys at school being afraid of her.
“Sarah, just one last question,” Emily Rose says trying to stop the silence that has taken over, “Why did you dump Bryan?”
I reply by mumbling, “Cheating bastard.”
“I knew it,” Amy says to herself.
“Perhaps some music?” Sam says as she pulls out her mp3 player and takes song requests.
  





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Points: 5973
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Thu Jul 22, 2010 8:04 am
tigs6969 says...



no reviews at all?
bump
chapter 5 will be started tonight or tomorrow. whenever i finish american psycho which has got me so damn addicted im reading it while typing this
  





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Reviews: 23
Fri Jul 23, 2010 2:32 pm
tigs6969 says...



No one wants to review? dont forget that sunday reviewing day on the 25th :P
chapter 5 i start now. for once i have NO idea what to call the chapter. shall be fun to write it
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:52 am
Prosithion says...



hmm, this one was... interesting, to say the least. It answers a few questions, but creates more then it answers. We still don't know what's going on, other then the fact that Sam's dad shut down the city's power for them.

What is this place, why is there a talking computer, and why are they getting special powers, and why is it only during school breaks?

As I'm writing this, it occurred to me that this story might be better suited as a script. It reads like one, and that will make it easier to tell the mc's apart.

Again, there were no grammar mistakes, so I won't bother quibbling over small details. My main problem is the plot line. there are just to many things going on that the reader isn't privy to, and at some point, the reader will lose his/her interest. Personally, I don't like reading books that take half the book to tell the reader what's going on.

Other then that, I don't have any other complaints. I'll read chapter five when it's posted. If I forget, just ask for a review.

Cheers,
Pros
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





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Tue Jul 27, 2010 12:06 pm
MiaParamore says...



Hey Samuel.

I am so sorry for not doing the review, but I had really been busy all this while, and I wanted to do a good review and not a one in haste. I know how it feels when you have posted a chapter and it stands alone reviewl-ess, but thankfully Prosithion came to your rescue.

“Wha?” Sam says, for once in her life speechless.
Do you mean 'speechless life'?

“Yeah.” She says in reply as Sam passes her a coffee.


“Well... Why? I mean you all three hate me and you knew I would whine exactly as I am doing right now!”


I stand up, ready to strike.


“Just bludey tell me,” Emily Rose says, annoyed.
The speeling is not correct. The correct one is: bloody.

I must say that this story turns out to be totally different what it seemed it the beginning, which is indeed a good thing.
Secondly, I would agree with Pro that although it made some things clear, but also made some confusions. But I ain't worried about them right now, as I know these kind of mysterious novels give the story a bit late. So, no comments on this really.

Other thing that I would like to point out that you put commas at every point even when they're not required. I know you didn't want a review on this, but I can't help telling as this is the most important aspect of writing.

Also, I would just like to say something about the way you write your dialog.
Just see what I say here:
There should be a comma after the dialog only and only when the after line is short.
ex. "Don't lick your fingers please Dan," my mother scolded.
The dialogue ends in a comma, and the next phrase is a lower-case letter. This only needs to be done if you're describing how they said it. Like, if it ends in something like, she muttered, she said, she whispered, she hissed, ect....

If it's something like:
Dan, don't lick your fingers." She glared at him for a moment before turning around.
Since the next part didn't describe how she said it, the dialouge ends in a period...
If you have any doubts on this, just tell me.

Other than this I believe that your story is more of dialog than descriptions and you really need to work on them. I think ti might just be your writing style, but still improvement can always be done. :)

Sorry this review is rather short.
~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

— Paramore
  








The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb