Young Writers Society

Again I say her name is EMILY ROSE not Emily. Her full name is Emily Rose Taylor Rose...
Also a note: You may think that the girls are evil for what they did to Miss Emily Rose... but has she been an angel herself? Isn't this what a girl this age would probably do if another girl stole her bf? You also may ask why is Emily Rose there? You will find out in Chapter 4

Chapter 3: A Night Or Rather Morning Out
Samantha
Ah finally those new albums and bands are noted down I think to myself as I sit back in the chair and listen to some Hey Monday, on, unfortunately, low volume. My parents are, thankfully, asleep and of course what else could I do but go and steal my modem back? I need to know all the new albums that just came out!
I look at the computer clock... Mhmm 3:30am, thank God school starts at 10am... I pity those poor people who have to start at 8am. I press off Hey Monday and get up; deciding it is time for bed.
Walking over to my bed I kiss Cuddles, who is lying at the right end of the bed, get in, and wait for sleep.
I lay there for thirty minutes just thinking about the day until I finally start to drift off.
Tap tap tap..I hear as I am nearly fully asleep.
Tap tap tap. It continues.
Tap tap tap. It gets louder.
"Samantha, get up! I've been out here tapping for half an hour," I hear Amy's voice, which I ignore.
"Samantha," I hear louder and, reluctantly, I open my eyes and move my head off the pillow.
"What?" I say, tiredly, as I get off the bed. "Amy, it must be bludey 5am and I went to bed at 3:30," I say as I walk towards the window.
"Sam, she did it!" Amy exclaims, just as tiredly.
"Did what?" I ask curiously, though I know what she is talking about.
"Its a power outage," She says horrified.
"Huh? What are you talking about? I was just on my computer before I went to bed; it was working perfectly." I say simply.
"Is it on now?" She asks as I notice the bright blue light, on my computer, that usually fills up the room, is gone.
"Eh! Why does she do it tonight of all nights?" I say in a tired, annoyed, voice as I yawn and rub my eyes.
"I know, I know, just come on and lets get it over with, okay?" Amy says, herself yawning.
"Fine, just let me get my Archos," I say as I make my way over to the computer and unplug my mp3 player.
Amy opens the window for me to get out, which I do, quietly, so not to wake my parents, when her mobile starts to play Like a Rose by Meat loaf.
“Yeah,” Amy says looking down at Emily Roses' number, “Wondering when she was gonna call.”
“Eh! You enjoy talking to her,” I say as I start listening to Camera Shy by School Boy Humor .

Emily Rose
Come on, come on, pick up! I think, impatiently.
Amy finally picks up.
"Yeah," I hear her nice greeting as she answers. "We were wondering when you were gonna call."
"So it is true? A blackout tonight? Why?" I ask annoyed.
"You know Sarah; shes unpredictable. Though she did warn us last night during detention."
"Yeah, but she always threatens it, she never goes through with it though."
"I know, I know, let's just get it over and done with okay? Oh! Sam stop singing, you'll wake your parents and than we will never get this done!” She says, impatiently.
“Fine, I'll meet you guys there in half an hour.” I say as I click off the phone and look up at the stars above me. Are we really going to? I think to myself, not really excited this time. I mean each holiday yes but ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! She just had to, didn't she? I think to myself and stand there staring at the stars for five minutes.
Well, I better go I decide, as I know if I don't turn up... well I don't even want to consider what will happen at school later.
“Hey, Hipper,” I say to my dog, who has been staring at me since I came outside, “Protect the house from them, Kay?”
“Woof,” He replies sorta knowing what I am talking about.
I walk into the garage and find my bike, hidden behind the many boxes my parents recently put in here after the last big cleanup my mum does every quarter of the year.
Ah! Pink, haven't used this in a while, but I did buy it like four years ago and I only bring it out for this; mum drives me to school.
I get on and pedal at a moderate speed, so as to delay the inevitable, as I exit driveway and enter the pitch black morning. Thank God Sarah gave us these special night vision contact lenses for mornings such as this; one of her great uses is she is rich.
I continue on my way towards the heart of Sydney.
I keep on pedaling faster until I finally reach Hyde Park and think about the great times me and Michael have had here this past year behind Amy's back. I sigh as I get off my bike and run towards the meeting place when, suddenly, something appears out of nowhere and I black out.

Sarah
“Stop singing now, Sam! Stop it!” Amy says over the phone as I hear Samantha singing, “Good girls goto heaven, baaaaaaaaaaad girls go everywhereeeeeeee.” I laugh in reply; Samantha being in her own world will make tonight much easier.
This change in color is weird. I was sorta joking last night during detention about meeting up but I went there after school last night to make sure that Emily Rose wasn't joking and whoa! This has never happened before.
“Are you here, yourself?” Amy asks.
“I will be in a minute,” I say as I exit my house and click my fingers.
“Hi there,” I say as I appear in front of Amy and move the phone away from my ear as Amy screams. I see Sam, standing there still singing, not noticing, or rather, not caring, that I just appeared on the spot.
“Has Emily Rose arrived yet?” I ask anxious to show them, as soon as possible.
“No,” Amy starts, Samantha still singing next to her, “But, lookey now, isn't that her running?” She asks pointing towards the south side of the park where we were meant to meet up.
"Yeah, wait weren't we meant to meet up over there?" I say suspiciously.
“Well,” Amy starts, “perhaps you want to go get her attention?” She asks with an evil grin.
“Eh! Okay,” I say, knowing I shouldn't but she did steal Amy's boyfriend.
One click of the fingers and I land in front of her, myself getting knocked out, in the collision.

Amy
I move Sarah's purple, dyed, hair to see if any bumps had come from that collision but thankfully nothing has, though it seems some blood has appeared in Emily Roses' hair... or so I think. I pull out my scissors from my bag, always good to bring a bag and some stuff for whenever Sarah wants to meet up, and start cutting Emily Roses' hair just to make sure there isn't cuts or bruises....
“Nope,” I mouth to Sam, “Nothing there... anymore,”
She looks down at my work and finally stops singing; the giggles taking over.
“What's so funny?” Sarah asks as she regains consciousness and reaches out her hand, allowing me to grab it and pull her up.
“Oh,” I start as I point down at Emily Rose, “I had to give dear Emily Rose a haircut just to make sure she had no injuries from the little collision you two had.
“Ah!” Sarah replies casually.
“Anyone got some water so we can wake sleeping beauty up and finally start this all?” She asks impatiently.
“Yeah, in my bag,” I say as I pull out a bottle of Coke from my bag. “Here,” I say as I hand her the bottle, “should pipe her right up,” This, finally, draws a smirk from Sarah as she tips it onto Emily Roses face.
Sputtering from the whole bottle being poured onto her face, which causes me to smile, she wakes up and raises her hand for someone to help her up.
When no one does, she helps herself up, grumpily, while muttering under her breath no doubt calling us fantastic things.
Emily Rose wipes her hair to try and remove some of the Coke and starts screaming as it finally hits her. I, quickly, move out of the way as she lunges when, suddenly, she drops as Sarah holds out her hand and I find myself unable to move.
“Now,” Sarah says through clenched teeth. “Am I gonna have to hold you two here all morning or are you gonna just get the hell over your crap and let me show you the reason all of Sydney is currently shut down?” She finishes, importantly.
“But, she started it,” I say as I struggle to move.
“Do you want me to finish it?” Sarah asks, casually.
Knowing Sarah, that doesn't seem to be a good idea so we, finally, both decide to give in and she removes the hold she has on us.
"How are you doing that?" I ask, curiously.
"That's why I called you all down here, so can we lets go so I can show you all?"
“Okay,” I say as I tap Sam, who, it seems, took no notice of anything, on the shoulder to get her attention. “Lets go.”
All four of us get in our positions and stamp our feet as the ground opens and we start to fall.
The ground closes on top of us as we land slowly and safely onto the earth below.

Chapter 3 in full is up
oh and

Hiya, Tigz, here I am, as promised! Hopefully this helps!

tigs6969 wrote:Samantha
Ah finally those new albums and bands are noted down I think to myself as I sit back in the chair and listen to some Hey Monday, on, unfortunately, low volume. I look at the computer clock... Mhmm 3:30am, thank God school starts at 10am... I pity those poor people who have to start at 8am. [ha, ha! don't we all!]I press off Hey Monday and get up, deciding it is time for bed.
Walking over to my bed I kiss Cuddles, who is lying at the right end of the bed, get in, and wait for sleep. [awkward sentence]
I lay there for thirty minutes just thinking about the day [elaborate here, why not try "thinking about all that had happened today"] until I finally [began to] drift off.
Tap tap tap..I hear as I am nearly fully asleep. [awkward sentence]
Tap tap tap. It continues.
Tap tap tap. It gets louder.
[So, the 'tap tap' bit kind of annoyed me. I'm sure you can think of a better way to have it in the story in a way that makes it flow better]
"Samantha, get up! I've been out here tapping for half an our," I hear Amy's voice, which I ignore. [ignore doesn't seem like the type of word to use, I mean, your character's supposed to be half-asleep, right? Why not try something like "I heard a voice which sounded like Amy's. Maybe I was dreaming. My eyelids grew heavy again and her voice began to dissolve in my ears..." - okay so maybe my style of writing isn't like yours but you get my drift, right?]
"Samantha," I hear louder and I reluctantly open my eyes and move my head off the pillow.
"What?" I say, tiredly, as I get off the bed. "Amy, it must be bludey [bloody] 5am and I just went to bed half an hour ago," I say as I walk towards the window.
"Sam, she did it!" Amy exclaims, just as tiredly.
"Did what?" I ask, though I know what she is talking about [confusing - why ask if she knows the answer?]
"Its a power outage," She says horrified.
"Huh? What are you talking about? I was just on my computer before I went to bed; it was working perfectly." I say simply.
"Is it on now?" She asks as I notice the bright blue light, on my computer, that usually fills up the room, is gone.
"Eh! Why does she [use Sarah's name] do it tonight of all nights?" I say in a tired, annoyed, voice as I yawn and rub my eyes.
"I know, I know, just come on and lets get it over with, okay?" Amy says, herself yawning. [awkward sentence]
"Fine, just let me get my Archos," I say as I make my way over to the computer and unplug my mp3 player.
Amy opens the window for me to get out, which I do, quietly, so [as] not to wake my parents, when her mobile starts to play Like a Rose by Meat loaf.
“Yeah,” Amy says looking down at Emily Roses' number, “Wondering when she was gonna call.”
“Eh! You enjoy talking to her,” I say as I start listening to Camera Shy by School Boy Humor .

Emily Rose
Come on, come on, pick up! I think, impatiently.
Amy finally picks up.
"Yeah," I hear her nice greeting as she answers. "We were wondering when you were gonna call."
"So it is true? A blackout tonight? Why?" I ask annoyed.
"You know Sarah; shes unpredictable. Though she did warn us last night during detention."
"Yeah, but she always threatens it, she never goes through with it though."
"I know, I know, let's just get it over and done with okay? Oh! Sam stop singing, you'll wake your parents and than we will never get this done!” She says, impatiently.
“Fine, I'll meet you guys there in half an hour.” I say as I click off the phone and look up at the stars above me. Are we really going to? I think to myself, not really excited this time. I mean each holiday yes but ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! [I'm not liking or understanding the 'ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! at the end] She just had to, didn't she? I think to myself and stand there staring at the stars for five minutes.
Well, I better go I decide, as I know if I don't turn up... well I don't even want to consider what will happen at school later.
“Hey, Hipper,” I say to my dog, who has been staring at me since I came outside, “Protect the house from them, Kay?”
“Woof,” He replies sorta knowing what I am talking about.
I walk into the garage and find my bike, hidden behind the many boxes my parents recently put in here after the last big cleanup my mum does every quarter of the year.
Ah! Pink, haven't used this in a while, but I did buy it like four years ago and I only bring it out for this; mum drives me to school.
I get on and pedal at a moderate speed, so as to delay the inevitable, as I speed out of my driveway and enter the pitch black morning. Thank God Sarah gave us these special night vision contact lenses for mornings such as this; one of her great uses is she is rich.
I continue on my way towards the heart of Sydney, when I hear a car coming the other way.
It swerves towards me but I dodge out of the way just in time as it hits the tree I thankfully dodged.
I pedal on faster and faster as I hear the car being started over and over until it finally dies as the driver gives up.
I turn around and see a figure yelling at me yet I only manage to catch one word, “Stop.”
Yeah like I'm gonna stop I think as I keep on pedaling faster until I finally reach Hyde Park and think about the great times me and Michael have had here this past year. I sigh as I get off my bike and run towards the meeting place when, suddenly, something appears out of nowhere and I black out.

Sarah
“Stop singing now, Sam! Stop it!” Amy says over the phone as I hear Samantha singing, “Good girls goto heaven, baaaaaaaaaaad girls go everywhereeeeeeee.” I laugh in reply; Samantha being in her own world will make tonight much easier.
This change in color is weird. I was sorta joking last night during detention about meeting up but I went there after school last night and whoa! This has never happened before.
“Are you here, yourself?” Amy asks.
“I will be in a minute,” I say as I exit my house and click my fingers.
“Hi there,” I say as I appear in front of Amy and move the phone away from my ear as Amy screams. I see Sam, standing there still singing, not noticing, or rather, not caring, that I just appeared on the spot.
“Has Emily Rose arrived yet?” I ask anxious to show them, as soon as possible.
“No,” Amy starts, Samantha still singing next to her, “But, lookey now, isn't that her running?” She asks pointing towards the south side of the park where we were meant to meet up.
"Yeah, wait weren't we meant to meet up over there?" I say suspiciously.
“Well,” Amy starts, “perhaps you want to go get her attention?” She asks with an evil grin.
“Eh! Okay,” I say, knowing I shouldn't but she did steal Amy's boyfriend.
One click of the fingers and I land in front of her, myself getting knocked out, in the collision.

Amy
I move Sarah's purple, dyed, hair to see if any bumps had come from that collision but thankfully nothing has, though it seems some blood has appeared in Emily Roses' hair... or so I think. I pull out my scissors from my bag, always good to bring a bag and some stuff for whenever Sarah wants to meet up, and start cutting her hair just to make sure there isn't cuts or bruises....
“Nope,” I mouth to Sam, “Nothing there... anymore,”
She looks down at my work and finally stops singing; the giggles taking over.
“What's so funny?” Sarah asks as she regains consciousness and reaches out her hand, allowing me to grab it and pull her up.
“Oh,” I start as I point down at Emily Rose, “I had to give dear Emily Rose a haircut just to make sure she had no injuries from the little collision you two had.
“Ah!” Sarah replies casually.
“Anyone got some water so we can wake sleeping beauty up and finally start this all?” She asks impatiently.
“Yeah, in my bag,” I say as I pull out a bottle of Coke from my bag. “Here,” I say as I hand her the bottle, “should pipe her right up,” This, finally, draws a smirk from Sarah as she tips it onto Emily Roses face.
Sputtering from the whole bottle being poured onto her face, which causes me to smile, she wakes up and raises her hand for someone to help her up.
When no one does, she helps herself up grumpily while muttering under her breath no doubt calling us fantastic things.
Emily Rose wipes her hair to try and remove some of the Coke and starts screaming as it finally hits her. I, quickly, move out of the way as she lunges when suddenly she drops as Sarah holds out her hand and I find myself unable to move.
“Now,” Sarah says through clenched teeth. “Am I gonna have to hold you two here all morning or are you gonna just get the hell over your crap and let me show you the reason all of Sydney is currently shut down?” She finishes, importantly.
“But, she started it,” I say as I struggle to move.
“Do you want me to finish it?” Sarah asks, casually.
Knowing Sarah, that doesn't seem to be a good idea so we, finally, both decide to give in and she removes the hold she has on us.
"How are you doing that?" I ask, curiously. [How do you what?]
"That's why I called you all down here, so can we lets go so I can show you all?"
“Okay,” I say as I tap Sam, who, it seems, took no notice of anything, on the shoulder to get her attention. “Lets go.”
All four of us get in our positions and stamp our feet as the ground opens and we start to fall.
The ground closes on top of us as we land slowly and safely onto the earth below.

So, this is good but you still do seem to have a lot of awkward sentences. Were you in a rush? Sometimes writing in a rush is a good thing - you get sporadic thoughts in your head and you just type, but sometimes it's bad because you run the risk of awkward sentences. But that's nothing that can't be fixed with a few editing sessions

As far as plot, I'm not totally understanding how Emily Rose fits into Amy's click but maybe you talked about that in the previous chapters - plus, I have a really bad memory. Another thing I'm not fully getting yet is why this piece is in the Fantasy section, but maybe the mysterious blackout and driver will bring some excitement into it.

Anyway, good job, and I'm looking forward to reading chapter 4!

*coco

*coco wrote:So, this is good but you still do seem to have a lot of awkward sentences. Were you in a rush? Sometimes writing in a rush is a good thing - you get sporadic thoughts in your head and you just type, but sometimes it's bad because you run the risk of awkward sentences. But that's nothing that can't be fixed with a few editing sessions

As far as plot, I'm not totally understanding how Emily Rose fits into Amy's click but maybe you talked about that in the previous chapters - plus, I have a really bad memory. Another thing I'm not fully getting yet is why this piece is in the Fantasy section, but maybe the mysterious blackout and driver will bring some excitement into it.

Anyway, good job, and I'm looking forward to reading chapter 4!

*coco

Yay finally a review on chapter 3 lol. thanks for continuing reading. bout to have dinner so I'll probably write a bigger reply soon but for now I'll comment on some
Firstly I was in sort of a rush to get everything out. Like, if you read my blog, i was boggling where to take the plot than I finally decided the least cliche and most fun direction I could but yeah I'm gonna go back and edit some of it to make it read better.
I do want to ask what you mean by awkward sentences? I mean you say that ""I know, I know, just come on and lets get it over with, okay?" Amy says, herself yawning" is awkward but I put that there to show the reader Amy is sort of leaderish in that she will continue to push someone, because she knows it is right, into doing something even if she doesn't like it herself..
Also what do you mean about Emily Rose in Amy's click? you mean why did they fight? Emily Rose stole her bf....
Its a fantasy story. Read the whole story and you'll decide it doesnt belong in general, doesnt belong in thriller or sci fi, it belongs in fantasy
Thanks for the review, I'll make the adjustments you have pointed out. oh and THANKS for calling her Emily Rose
edit: a more complete response

*coco wrote:So, the 'tap tap' bit kind of annoyed me. I'm sure you can think of a better way to have it in the story in a way that makes it flow better

That is pretty much the only way Amy could think of as annoying Sam awake.... guess I could come up with something better but thats a maybe

*coco wrote:confusing - why ask if she knows the answer?

Ill answer this with, you never know...

*coco wrote:I'm not liking or understanding the 'ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! at the end

Emily Rose is a whiner.

Hey tigs.

My review might seem very much similar to my other ones because of the very fact that I think you don't take any notice of the grammar nit-picks people tell you. This is high-time and you should really start taking down these grammar points in seriously..

Ah finally those new albums and bands are noted down, I think to myself as I sit back in the chair and listen to some Hey Monday, on, unfortunately, low volume

So great that you finally wrote the thoughts in italics. Now you just need to put a comma after where the thoughts end and you say, 'I thought etc.'. i have done that for you!

Walking over to my bed I kiss Cuddles, who is lying at the right end of the bed, get in, and wait for sleep to come.

If you add these two words too it would look complete, otherwise it looks like you have missed out on something.

Tap tap tap..I hear as I am nearly fully asleep.

Generally in literary pieces, the sounds are written in itlaics just to differentiate. Also for a door being knocked you need to use another word.

"Yeah," I hear her nice greeting as she answers.

I really liked how you didn't forget to itlaicize the important, sarcastic word.

"You know Sarah; she's unpredictable. Though she did warn us last night during detention."

"I know, I know, let's just get it over and done with, okay? Oh! Sam stop singing, you'll wake your parents and than we will never get this done!” She says, impatiently.

We really need to put a comma right after with and before okay. Otherwise it sounds that they want get done with okay. Okay seems a noun then.

"I know, I know, let's just get it over and done with okay? Oh! Sam stop singing, you'll wake your parents and than we will never get this done!” She says, impatiently.

I don't know how many times I have said and marked this earlier that it is not than to be used here but then. 'Than' is used for comparison.

Well, I better go, I decide, as I know if I don't turn up... well I don't even want to consider what will happen at school later

.

It swerves towards me but I dodge out of the way just in time as it hits the tree I thankfully dodged.

I liked this sentence very much but the red line needs to be in a different part.

I move Sarah's purple, dyed, hair to see if any bumps had come from that collision but thankfully nothing has, though it seems some blood has appeared in Emily Roses' hair... or so I think.

You don't need a comma after 'purple' and 'dyed'. It'a all in one word. Like: Purple dyed hair.

I pull out my scissors from my bag, always good to bring a bag and some stuff for whenever Sarah wants to meet up, and start cutting her hair just to make sure there isn't cuts or bruises....

You said bruises and cuts so it should be aren't, as these both words are plurals.

When no one does, she helps herself up grumpily while muttering under her breath. No doubt calling us fantastic things!

Okay this way the last sentence gets more effect over th readers.

All four of us get in our positions and stamp our feet as the ground opens and we start to fall.

The ground closes on top of us as we land slowly and safely onto the earth below.

Although you have described here a lot but elaborating here might not hurt.

Well, this seemed a bit confusing to me at first but then I read the synopsis and found out that they all had been best of friends once. So then it was a bit easier to understand and it looked like a thriller and suspense. That reminds me that I read the synopsis, which I have already mentioned and found out a mistake.

It should be: Four 15 year old girls....

Also, I think you started italicizing the thoughts, which you already knew about, but I really think you have one very very small error which if commuted can annoy a reader sometimes.
For eg: You are never going to get through me, I think to myself. So here what I did was that I put a comma right after where the thoughts end. this can differentiate the speaker's thoughts from the rest of the part of the sentence.

Your commas have improved tremendously but you added it somewhere when it was needed. As mush important is placing commas, it is that much important to put it when needed not like it's a toffee.

The story I think still is interesting me and I would love to continue reading it to find what exactly is fantasy here. You did say that the fantasy mainly starts after the third chapter and I can't really wait to read about it. I also think that if it's adapted into a movie, it would look cool.

Characters:
Well, I am not an America, European or Australian so I don't know very much about their lifestyle. My only source are the books, the shows, and the English movies, so I am not the best person to critique on this but I really felt that all of your characters seem realistic and very much like typical teenagers. You told me that you would describe the characters in the third chapter and you did but not for all. I think you don't need to describe them on one pace, or in one chapter but don't forget to give in them face.

Well, my review looks everytime the same for you. I should better cut, copy, paste. LOL!!! It's not the best written thing I have read but I just like the story, mainly because of it's characters- of my very age, not like me at all , but it's a really good chick novel. I hope to find the fantasy in it here soon.

The last but definitely not the least thing would be that take two-three days to write it down, and then some more days to be finally satisfied of it. Then only post. that way you feel good and also the reviewers would be able to pin-point much less mistakes, when you already have.

ah my biggest fan thanks for the review
2am So I will reply better tomorrow but I will just make a small reply on this

Shubhi wrote:
. You told me that you would describe the characters in the third chapter and you did but not for all. I think you don't need to describe them on one pace, or in one chapter but don't forget to give in them face.

Chapter 3 was gonna be longer but well chapter 4 will be a little more describing... all I can so for now is that Sam has freckles

I hate to say this, and it may just me being dumb, but I have no idea what is going on. I got the first two chapters, but now I'm just lost.

Why did some one try and run Emily over, besides the obvious?

Why is it so startling that the power is out. It can't be that rare on an occurrence.

You get my point. There are a lot of things in this chapter that are just there, and are left hanging. I'm sure that you'll answer all this stuff in chapter four, but right now, It just draws away from the story.

After your pm, I took some time as I was reading this, and while I don't have any direct experience with being a high-school kid, I can imagine why these characters are the way they are. And thankfully, they've toned down their sociopathy a little in this chapter.

While more stuff happens in this chapter, it wasn't quite as good as the first two. It just kind of goes along, not really staying on any point long enough for the reader to figure out what's happening.

Maybe try having your chapters be a little more 'stand on their own'. It will help the reader follow along.

Grammar-wise, nothing obvious jumped out at me, so I won't nit pick.

Cheers,
Pros