Young Writers Society

Prologue



The Dragons started it. They always do, though they never seem to know what it is that they are doing while they’re doing it. Afterwards they always take responsibility for it. They always do what they know they should. And they’ve gained so much of a reputation of being initiators and leaders that I doubt that they could stop even if they wanted to. Everyone expects it of them and everyone respects them for what they are.

The Griffins respect them for their physical power. They admire the Dragon’s strength and their abilities to win wars. For while Dragons had entered into few wars, they had lost even fewer, though they bought each victory at a great cost. The Griffins admired them for that.

The Unicorns respected Dragons because the Dragons respected them. Dragons let the Unicorns have their space and let them follow whatever laws they saw fit, as long as they didn’t encroach on the other species that they lived among. And so the two got on very well, even though they rarely saw eye to eye.

And Humans… Humans respected the Dragon, but more so they envied them. Dragons had everything that they wanted. They had power and a say in the happenings of the world. They had strength, dangerous claws, scales that covered their entire bodies like armor built into their skin, wings to take them wherever they wanted to go, and fire that they could cast from their very mouths. But most of all, Dragons had magic, and Humans wanted it. Humans wanted this strange thing that could make objects appear out of thin air. They wanted the power to make things grow and heal. They wanted the power to read the minds of others and to cast up storms where there had only been clear skies. They wanted the power to control.

And as I said, the Dragons started it, though they didn’t know it at the time. They learned of a way to save Human children who were near death by giving them a part of themselves: their breath. The Dragons called them Dragon Children, or in their ancient tongue, Atils and Atilias.

After that the Dragon Children were only half Human, the other half was Dragon. They could turn into Dragons at will. They could keep their Human bodies and add Dragon parts such as wings or scales. They had all the strengths of Dragons and almost all the respect among the Unicorns, Griffins, and Humans. And they also had Dragon magic. And while the Humans envied it, they also feared it and those who carried it.

The Humans continued to fear them. Because they could take Dragon form, they hated them. Because they could breathe fire, they annihilated them. Because they had such power, they attacked their very roots to this earth.

Gradually the Human’s fear spread to the Unicorns and Griffins. But not nearly as strongly, for they had magic of their own, though it was as strong as that of the Dragons. But just the same, they feared them. And all these species had a pride that they could not forget. To cover their fear they put the Dragon Children down. They made the Children believe that they weren’t good enough.

But soon after the Dragon Children came into existence, something else happened, something the Humans were much happier about. Human children began to be born with magic. Few other than the Dragons actually knew that it was because of the Dragon Children that that happened. No one stopped to notice that it was actually the Dragon Childrens’ children that appeared with these strange abilities, and no one stopped to notice that it was only diluted Dragon magic that these children were wielding. They only noticed what they wanted to; that they were completely human except for these strange powers that they had suddenly developed. And for some reason the Humans weren’t afraid of them.

Over the generations the Dragon magic diluted even more, until there was no way to link the Dragon magic with this new Human magic. The magicians became more and more common. There were schools for them all over the Human Lands. Magicians walked down the streets without having to hide it. In fact, most Humans were proud to have magic or at least someone in the family who did. Magicians were held in high esteem. The magic passed from generation to generation, and instead of fading out like most genetic traits would, it grew stronger and stronger. Children were born with more magic than they knew what to do with. They came to be known as Storehouses because they stored large amounts of magic inside their bodies and also gave it off into the air around them. And before the magicians had been limited to one specialty, such as mind reading or shape shifting. But suddenly there were those that could do all of it, from controlling the weather to healing the sick. The Magicians were becoming very powerful indeed.

And then the Humans did begin to fear. The Magicians were becoming too many and too powerful and they knew it. They were no longer servants to the rest of society, doing jobs that no one else could do, but a society of their own. And should they ever turn against the rest of the Humans, those without magic would never survive.

Their fear ate away at them until they were convinced that there was only one way to solve the situation: to get rid of the magicians. The nest ten years were not safe for any Human who had magic. The King of the Human Lands was determined to destroy them all. But it was not as easy as he at first thought. The Dragons harbored the Humans in their lands when it became especially unsafe to be in the Human Lands. The Unicorns and Griffins followed the Dragon’s example and did the same. The King knew there was no way he could reach them there, or at least he thought he did.

But after ten years of chasing Magicians here and there we was not the only one who was tired. There was a small band of Magicians that were sick of running. They were ready for it to be over at any cost… almost. They were not willing to kill the others, as the King wanted them to. Instead they told him of another option. There was a way to send them to another realm, a world that they would not be able to escape from if the King guarded the five Gates that led to it. The King was not convinced that it would work. He knew that at least one of those Gates was in the Dragon Lands, perhaps even two. So he argued with them, saying that the Dragons would simply bring the Magicians back after they had banished them to the other realm.

The King hatched a plan of his own and made them follow his orders. He made them not only banish the magicians, but everyone that held magic, including the Dragons, Unicorns, and Griffins. They hated themselves for doing it, and when the task was finished they banished themselves to the other realm as well. What they did not know, was that there was a small group of Dragons had managed to stay behind in the realm they had been born into. The King didn’t take long to notice however, and he forced them to run, powerful though they were. The Dragons placed themselves in a set of caves and there they started something else.

They called it the Ciani. The Ciani was an underground society formed by the few remaining Dragons. They did the only thing that they knew to do. They continued to save the lives of Human children and make them half-Dragon, until there were more Atils and Atilias in the caves than Dragons. Gradually their numbers grew until they had to find other places to live. Some found new caves and moved there. Others dug their own underground tunnels. Slowly but surely they began to spread throughout that entire world.

On the Surface, Humans forgot what used to be. Magic and Dragons became things of legend. And while many knew of the Ciani, only the Royal line knew exactly what they were. Every King for hundreds of years kept the secret of what the Ciani was and sought to find them and send them through to the other realm. But for all their fear of them, they aided the Ciani in growing larger. One King made it legal to kill and unborn child, calling it an abortion. The Dragons saved these unborn children and they added to the numbers of Ciani.

Most of the population of the Ciani had now been born in the caves and they became an even larger threat to the Surface People, since they no longer had any attachment to the people above them. These Dragon Children were born among Dragons and it was all they had ever known. They had no reason to love the Surface People, but they had every reason to hate them. They had been rejected before they even entered the world, and now they had a price on their heads.

They could have left. The Dragons had discovered a sixth Gate into the other realm that was in the caves they occupied. But they were not ready to give up the world of the Humans, their old world. But the Gate did allow them to communicate with the other Dragons.

Wars raged in the Surface. But the Ciani stayed underground, safe and almost untouchable. The doors were magicked so that no one could see them, except those that had magic of their own. And mostly the Ciani just stayed put.

But when there was a rebellion on the Surface things changed. The Royal line was broken and the people put a new king on the throne, one that did not know what the Ciani were. He did not know of the power that they held. He did not know their history, or why they were such a threat to him. But he wanted them destroyed. Things were not safe anymore.

So dragon's started it, huh? Guess I'm not the only one who likes them .

Anyway, this is pretty good. Your style is interesting. You managed to sum up a lot of backstory without making it sound too dull and text-book like. I wonder if a little action wouldn't make this even better. This seems to do a good job of setting the tone for the rest of the story, which I'm looking forward to .

This is a pretty good story with a lot of room for improvement. There are a few grammar mistakes, but those are easily fixed. You should consider adding more "flare" to it. The author seems bored. It just seems like he's writing this because he has to, and not because he wants to. You could fix this by just using more descriptive wording.

There are a few places in the middle and toward the end where sort of just jumbles together, and I get really confused (that's hard to do, by the way, so don't worry;)). Just take your time with it; try not to rush it.

It's an excellent idea, and I really like the story (the parts I understand, at least). Maybe you could add some sort of personal hatred between the King and the dragons.

Once again, I really like the idea here, but it could use some work.

Cacophony wrote:So dragon's started it, huh? Guess I'm not the only one who likes them .

*shrugs* what can I say? My dad got me started on them, and I've branched off from there. You can't deny the coolness of them. *blinks as she realizes just how... odd... that sounded*

*shrugs it off*

Thanks for the comments, both of you. Here's the Next Chapter:



Chapter 1

I jerked as he called my name again.

“Falcon!”

I looked over at him. “Sorry,” I said. “I didn’t hear you.” I glanced around the table. Everyone was staring at me; Stren’s Mother and Father and especially his brothers, Eric and Sean. I looked down at my hands. I hated this. Every time I came here Stren’s family looked at me as if I was something… different. And I was to them. I guess I should have been happy they even let me in the door.

“Are you okay, Falcon?” Stren asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” But he knew I was uncomfortable her. His family was okay for Surface People, but they were still Surface People.

“Are you sure, Dear?” Stren’s Mother said.

“Yeah.” She never called me Falcon. I think she thought it would make it final that I was Ciani. Couldn’t she see that it was already final?

“The Ciani were on the news again,” Eric commented. I looked at him across the table. “They said you robbed a bank and shot four people doing it.”

Stren looked at me and quickly replied, “We didn’t.”

“I know YOU didn’t.” Both he and Sean looked at me accusingly.

“Are you saying that I did?”

“Of course they aren’t,” Stren’s Mother answered for them.

“It’s all right,” I insisted. “They can say anything they want. Everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong it may be.” I stared defiantly across the table at the two boys.

For a second there was silence all around the table. Stren’s Father cleared his throat.

“Well,” Stren began, searching for something to say. “Lunch was great, Mom. But I think that it’s time for Falcon and I to be getting back.”

“Of course, Justin.” Couldn’t she even admit that he was called Stren now? It'd been 4 years since he was Justin. She rose from her seat and went into the kitchen. Slowly, Stren and I also left our seats.

“Good-bye, Justin,” Stren’s Father said. “Come back soon.”

“I’ll try.”

“Would you come in here dear?” Stren’s Mother called to me from the next room. I obeyed.

“Here,” she handed me a package wrapped in colorful paper. “Justin told us that you liked to read, so we thought that you might like this.”

“Thank you.” I looked down at it, turning it over in my hands.

She hooked a finger under my chin and lifted my face until I was facing her and searched my eyes. “You’re very pretty... just a little pale.”

I took a step backwards to some distance between the two of us. “I don’t get out into the sun much.”

“I’m— I’m sorry—”

“Don’t be. I’m not sorry about what I am.”

She looked down. “Of course.”

We walked to the front door where Stren and the rest of the family were waiting. Stren’s Mother gave him a hug and handed him a bag.

“We’ll see you soon,” she said.

Stren nodded and then we both went out the door.

“I’m sorry,” Stren whispered as we descended the steps in front of the house.

“For what?” I whispered back.

“For what they said.”

“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t tell them to say it.”

“But they’re still my brothers.”

I looked over at him as we walked down the street. I knew it hurt him to come back, to see his family show so much fear, and in some cases, contempt for him new way of life. I knew it had to hurt to see that everything had changed. But I also knew that he had to come. However they had changed they were still his family. They cared for each other no matter what. It was a bond that I just couldn’t seem to understand, having never had family of my own.

“I really appreciate you coming with me like this,” Stren said after we had been walking for a little while.

“What?”

“What what? Can’t I say thank you?’

“I’ve been coming to the Surface with you for years. You’ve never said thank you before.”

“Then it should have been said years ago.

I smiled, but said nothing.

“You may not believe me, but I mean it. I don’t think that the Elders would let me come if you didn’t come too.”

“They let you come because they know how much it means to you. It has nothing to do with me. They’d let you come alone, if they had to.”

“If you say so.” He was quiet for a moment, just looking around at the world he once lived in. “It’s weird, every time I come here it seems less like home and more like the Surface. I go to my house and I can’t imagine ever living there. It just doesn’t feel right. I mean, my family lives up here, but… Do you have any idea what I’m trying to say?”

“Not really.”

“That’s right, you’ve lived in the caves with a bunch of Dragons all your life.”

I nodded to a passing person and then murmured to Stren, “Shh, if they hear us, we’re dead.”

“Oh, sure, they’re all just waiting for us to slip up so they can point us out.”

“Stren…”

“I’ve got news for you: they don’t care. They’re all too busy with they’re own little problems.”

“Stren.” My voice got quieter and quieter every time I spoke, something he should have known was a danger sign.

“They’re not waiting to pounce on us. Here… look.” He walked up to a boy about our age who was walking by. “Hi, I live in a set of underground caves with Dragons.”

“Stren!”

The boy gave us both a strange look, but walked on by.

“See! They don’t care.”

I looked away.

“Falcon. I’m sorr—“

“This may be a lot of fun to you, but it isn’t to me,” I told him quietly, and this time he noticed my tone. “If we get caught, we’ll be dead. We won’t go to jail for a few years and get let out later on. We’ll be DEAD. This isn’t a game.”

“I’m sorry,” Stren said softly and I knew that he meant it.

I tried to smile. “Lets keep going.”

“Okay.”

We walked in silence, navigating our way through the streets. A woman walked past and I hardly looked at her, but Stren followed her with his eyes until she was far behind us.

“Some one you know?” I asked, wondering why he had watched her so.

“No.” He glanced over his shoulder at the woman, then turned back and opened his mouth to speak, but then stopped suddenly. While Stren’s expression could hardly have been called happy, it abruptly changed completely.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“There’s a girl following us.”

"I thought you said they weren’t waiting to pounce on us.”

He ignored my comment. “Look over your shoulder, slowly.” I did, and sure enough there was a blonde girl who seemed to be following us.

“Seem,” I thought to myself. “Only SEEM.” And then aloud. “It’s only your imagination, keep going.” We continued on, weaving our way through the streets and eventually leaving them altogether. We cut across a field towards a ridge of mountains. And still the girl followed us.

I knew she was following us. I simply couldn’t pretend that she wasn’t anymore. But I didn’t like it one bit. Why should she be following us? Unless…

“No,” I told myself. “She couldn’t know.”

“Stren,” I nudged his elbow. “Any suggestions?”

“Go home,” he said simply. “That’s all we can do.”

We crossed over a hill and approached a cave carved into the side of the mountains. The outline shimmered, showing it to be magic. We dashed inside and whirled around to watch our follower.

Stren sighed in relief as the girl looked around in confusion.

“What?” I demanded. “You didn’t actually think that she would be able to see the cave, did you? Nobody but our kind can.”

“I know. It’s just… you know… she followed us… I couldn’t help thinking that she might have been one of us.”

“In which case, we wouldn’t have had anything to worry about, would we?”

“I guess not.” We watched as the girl moved off and then quietly started walking farther back into the cave. I hated the silence.

“So… Why were you watching that woman? I mean, if you didn’t know her then…”

“She looked like you,” Stren said bluntly.

“What?”

“Do you think she might have been your mother?”

I shook my head and didn’t answer.

“Don’t you ever wonder things like that?”

“No.”

“You’re not the least bit curious?”

“Curious about what?”

“About what? About what your life could have been. I mean, don’t you ever wonder what your name would have been or where you would have lived?”

“No.”

“C’mon, just think about it for ten seconds. Your name could have been Alicia or Lindsey. And you might have lived in a mansion or—“

“But my name IS Falcon and I live in an underground invisible cave system. Okay?”

“My ten seconds weren’t up,” he said, pulling on my arm to make me stop.

“My name is NEVER going to be Alicia. And it’s NEVER going to be Lindsey, or any other Surface name for that matter. My name is Falcon and there’s no reason to pretend it’s anything else.”

Stren stared at me. I looked away, realizing what I must sound like.

“I don’t want to be one of them, Stren.” My voice still had not lost its edge, but it was better. “I DON’T want to.” I lifted my head again.

He looked at me for a moment before saying anything. “Today just isn’t my day, is it?”

“Stren… I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize. It’s my fault.”

“No. No, Stren, it’s not. It’s just—“

“Hello?” Stren and I whirled to face the intruder and found the blonde that had been following us earlier. She smiled uncomfortably as we stared.

“I’m a little lost,” she continued, glancing back and forth between the two of us. “Could you tell me where I am?”

I closed my eyes, trying to think. If she was from the Surface, she was a threat and the Elders must be told. But the fact that she was down here at all, said that she was one of us. And yet everything about her scream of the Surface. My eyes were back open in a flash.

“Excuse us a second, will you?” I said to the blonde and then dragged Stren away until we were hidden from view by a bend in the tunnel.

“So what do we do now?” Stren asked, a little louder than he should have.

“Shh,” I whispered. “She’ll hear you.”

He lowered his voice. “What do we do?”

“You keep going, find one of the Elders and bring him back. I’ll try and keep her here.”

“You think she’s from the Surface?”

“Do you?”

He considered a moment before answering. “Yes.”

“I agree.”

Stren searched my eyes. “Are you going to be okay alone with her?”

“I think I can take care of myself.”

“Are you going to be okay with her?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Be careful.”

“Right. Now get going.” Stren headed off down the tunnel while I returned to the girl.

“Where’d your friend go?” She asked.

“He had to…” I searched for something to tell her. “Go home.”

“Home?” She didn’t seem to believe me. “In that direction?” She gestured down the tunnel.

“There’s more than one way out,” I assured her.

She stared hard at me. “Is there something wrong?”

“No, nothing at all.”

“So… what’s your name?”

“Falcon.”

“Falcon?”

“That is what I said. And you are?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, what’s your name?”

“My name. You’ve got to be kidding.”

I was quiet.

“You don’t know who I am?”

“No. Should I?”

“Well, yes… I’m Elana Shaultz. Princess Elana Shaultz.”

I stared.

“Well… Falcon,” the princess said. “If you’ll tell me where I am and how to get out, I’ll be on my way.”

I looked away, trying to figure out how to keep her there. What could I say? I really didn’t want to talk to her. She was the exact opposite of me in every way, even in looks. She had shoulder-length blonde hair and bright blue eyes, everything that you expected a princess to look like. I, other hand, had long dark hair that reached past my waist and eyes just as dark. And even if we had looked exactly alike, we still would have been exact opposites, because she was from the Surface and I was Ciani. But how did she get down here in the first place? How could she?

“Well?” Princess Elana asked.

“How did you get in?”

“What?”

I hadn’t really meant to ask, but I couldn’t take it back. “How did you get in?”

“I walked in, just like you did.”

“Right… you just walked right in.”

“Yeah… I walked right in. Why is that so hard to believe?”

so, when are you going to post more? i like this. and i agree with randy and Cacophony, the prologue was well written with that much information, but is there a way to add flare to it? action would be good, but i don't think that would fit with the way you've written it so far. description would eb good, and maybe active tense, not passive (please don't ask me what the difference is, i can spot it, but that's about it. Zzap would be a good person to ask).

Did I hear someone ask for more? Well here ya go!

(btw, I am still working on the Prolouge, but I needed some pointers to help me out. Thanks y'all)



Chapter 2



Stren and I looked up at Ilen from where we sat, watching as he paced back and forth across the room.

“You both need to understand just what this could mean,” he told us sternly. “The fact that she could see the entrance either means that something is broken, or that she has magic of her own. If it is the latter, which I strongly suspect that it is, than that means that magic is back in the Surface world and that they'll have a way to find us.”

“But won’t the Surface People be just as afraid of them, as they are us?”

“No, it is no longer just a fear of magic that keeps them hunting us. We’ve had a reputation of being liars and thieves for generations now, and that has been ground into their minds since they were children. You know that, you lived in their world once. I’m sure there will be some fear, there always is when you can’t explain something, but it will not keep them from using those with magic to catch us.”

I lowered my head into my hands.

“This is a nightmare,” I told myself. “And in just a moment I’ll wake up, and everything will be fine.” I knew it wasn’t true, but I tired to make myself believe that it was.

A woman entered the room and before the door shut, I caught a glimpse of the Princess outside, pacing back and forth across the hall, waiting for something, though she didn’t know what.

“What is it, Diren?” Ilen asked the woman.

“I’ve checked all the systems connected to the entrance as you requested,” she told him.

“And?”

“There’s nothing wrong with them.’

Ilen closed his eyes and Stren said something under his breath.

“I just wish we knew who she was,” Ilen muttered.

“Elana Shaltz,” I said quietly.

“What?” Both Diren and Ilen turned to face me.

“Her name is Elana Shaltz. PRINCESS Elana Shaltz.”

“Princess?” Stren stared. “But that would make her—“

“She’s the King’s daughter,” I confirmed.

“Then should we send her back?” Stren asked. “Her father will come looking—“

“No!” Ilen exclaimed. “No, we cannot do that. She has seen too much already. And anything that she has seen, will at some time or another make to her father’s ear.” He shook his head. “She must see more before we can even consider sending her back.”

“More?” I demanded. “Why? You said yourself that anything she sees will find it’s way to the King.”

“She must see us for who we truly are. That is our chance, Falcon. If she tells her Father he will come to us with an army. We have no way to defend ourselves against that. We must make her understand that all we want to do is live. Perhaps we can do that by showing her our world.” He stared hard at me, as if trying to force this concept into my mind with his eyes. “YOU must show her.”

“Me?”

“Yes.”

“I want nothing to do with her.”

“I know it. That is why you must. Perhaps it will finally teach you the lesson I’ve been trying to teach you for years.”

“And what lesson is that?”

“That just because a people does something wrong, it doesn’t mean that there is no good in them.”

“You may think so.”

“Falcon! That is enough! You will do as you are told.”

I stared him straight in the eye and then walked out, making it clear that I would not.


* * *


“He’s given her a room at the end of the east hall,” Stren said as I continued straightening the papers on my desk.

“Good.” I moved to the other end of my room to put a book away on my shelves. “The farther away from me, the better.”

Stren turned his head to watch me. “Ilen still expects you to show her around.”

“He can expect anything he likes.”

“This isn’t like you.”

“What isn’t like me?”

“Falcon…”

I turned around to face him. “I don’t want anything to do with her.”

“But you’ll visit my family.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Why is she so different from my family?”

“Because she’s a princess, Stren! She’s the daughter of the man who wrote our death sentence!”

“But SHE didn’t write it. And just because she’s his daughter doesn’t mean that she agrees with him on everything.”

I turned my back to him, jaw clenched. Why did he always have to make everything so difficult? Why couldn’t he just understand?

“You gave her a chance,” Stren went on, a little quieter than before. “Why won’t you give her one?”

“Because you were Ciani. She will never even understand the Ciani. She can’t, she’s from the Surface.”

“When are you going to realize that the Ciani are not the only people who aren’t bad?”

“When are you going to realize that they want us dead?”

“Not everything about them is bad," he insisted. "You read their books and you listen to their music. You don’t find anything wrong with them.

“That doesn’t mean that the people are all right.”

“You never take the time to find out if they’re all right or not. You just shoot them down.”
“When did they ever take the time to learn about US before shooting US down? At least I only do it verbally.”

“Maybe if we started it, they’d follow.”

“Yeah, they’d follow with weapons.”

“They might stop to learn if we did.”

“No, they wouldn’t, Stren. Maybe in the glory days, but not now.”

“What ‘glory days’?”

“Don’t you remember the stories that Ethrin used to tell about how things used to be? About the great kingdoms of Dragons and Unicorns and Griffins, and the kingdoms of Humans? Back when there were knights, and kings, and princesses and honor?”

“Back when we could still walk openly on the Surface?

“Back when battles were fought fairly, Stren. When they didn’t force people into hiding for things they couldn’t help. Their glory days are gone.”

He was silent for a moment. “Kings and Princesses still exist, honor can be found and knights can be made."

“Yeah? Well, if they’re made right now, they’ll be made to destroy US.”

“People can change, Falcon. We have a chance to help Elana change.”

“Elana? Since when are you on a first name basis?”

He turned away.

“You’ve talked to her, haven’t you?”

“And what if I have?”

“How could you?”

“If you’re not going to, then somebody has to,” he said, his voice rising. “This isn’t just about you. It’s about all of us.”

“She reminds you of the people back home, doesn’t she?”

“Well she’s certainly a stark contrast against the roughneck girls down here.”

The words landed on me like a slap on the face and I stared at him. “Roughneck?”

“Falcon,” he whispered. “I’m s—“

“No. Don’t say anything. Just get out.”

Duskglimmer wrote:Did I hear someone ask for more? Well here ya go!

yep!

The you won't mind a bit more will you?



Chapter 3



I looked around the room, still feeling like a fish caught on land. Despite the fact that I had been there for two whole weeks, I still felt completely foreign in this place and with these people.

They were a strange people, completely content to ignore the goings on on the surface for the most part. Some of them read our books. About half of them were in possession of a CD player. But besides that, they had a completely separate culture. They had their own clothing: dressing in a style that was almost Chinese, and yet so definitely not. They had their own set of rules and guidelines. Their own kind of music: beautiful melodies that no words, and yet you knew exactly what they were talking about.

And they definitely had their own ideas about entertainment. Instead of watching TV (as far as I knew, they didn’t even have a television set) they sat and read to each other and wrote stories of their own. Instead of playing video games they played instruments and learned intricate dances to go along with their music. Some danced along or in pairs. Others danced in groups. Still others danced with weapons, twirling blades round and round, spinning wooden staves over their heads and under their feet.

Falcon seemed to be particularly good at those kind of dances, and though others would ask her over and over she would never perform in public. She always went off alone, humming the tunes to herself. I followed her sometimes to watch, though I never told her. I knew that she would hate me for it, as if she didn’t hate me enough already.
Beside the day that we had met she had not spoken a single word to me, unless it was completely unavoidable. She seemed to hate the very sight of me, and yet she seemed to fear me as well. Whatever her feelings towards me, she stayed as far away from me as possible. Stren said it was just her way.

Stren. He wasn’t like the rest of them. At times I could almost convince myself that he belonged to my world, and then he’d go and do something that would make it only too clear that he was not, like sticking up for Falcon, or saying something that was so different from anything that I would have expected. He told me that he had once lived on the Surface, and I believed it. But it was obvious that he didn’t belong there anymore, but in a non-obvious way, if that was possible.

And while I did feel very out of place there, I also felt strangely free. Stren had told me that it would probably be better if I didn’t tell everyone that I was a princess. So for the first time in my entire life, I was free to walk around with people my age with our having them constantly bowing and saying “your majesty”. I felt free. And that felt good.

My advice to you would be: Don't don't don't don't change the first sentences.

They hooked me almost immediately and drew me right away into the story. It made me love your dragons right away. I just love the flare, the subtle trace of je-ne-sais-quoi.

I gobbled the prologue up. XD I think it was great, and there is very little to have to be changed. If you want, you could shorten it a little, and have one of the characters revealing a few choicy parts later on, like the fact it was a group of magicians who betrayed their kindred or, well, any other part! ^^;

A few mistakes I picked up:

But after ten years of chasing Magicians here and there we was not the only one who was tired.

"[...] and he was not the only one who was tired"

What they did not know, was that there was a small group of Dragons had managed to stay behind in the realm they had been born into.

Typo; take out the "there was"

Slowly but surely they began to spread throughout that entire world.

'nother typo; "[...] throughout the entire world."

Thanks.


Chapter 4

Ready elbowed me in the ribs again, interrupting my meal for the millionth time.

“Fal-con,” she said, jamming her four-year-old face in my own. “Fal-con.”

“Read-y,” I mimicked. “I’m trying to read.”

She grabbed the book out of my hands and began flipping through the pages, looking for pictures. “What is it?” she asked, still looking at the pages.

“It’s a book,” I answered simply, taking it back and closing it in the process. Noticing the cover picture, Ready grabbed my hand and pulled the book closer so she could see.

“Who’s she?” she asked, pointing to the blonde-haired girl on the cover with one tiny finger.

“She’s a fighter. Her name is Catherine.”

“Oh. She’s pretty.”

Suddenly someone slipped a set of headphones over my head. I whirled around to see Stren holding a CD player.

“What are—”

“Just listen,” he interrupted, pushing play.

I stared at him as a musical intro sounded over the headphones. Then a girl began to sing. I had to laugh. She sounded horrible! And the more she sang the worse she got. And the boy that joined her a few moments later certainly didn’t help any.

Stren smiled as I tried to stifle my laughter. Ready watched us both with all the curiosity and innocence of a girl her age.

“What in the world is it?” I asked Stren.

“Just something my Mom gave me last time we went. Isn’t it horrible?”

“I’ll say.”

“I want to hear!” Ready reached for the headphones. I carefully lifted them away from my hair and settled them over her red braids. Immediately, she began to rock back and forth, humming faintly to the tune of the song.

“Well, at least your mother has better taste in books.” I gestured towards the book I had been reading as Stren took a seat next to me.

He picked it up. “My mom gave you this?”

I nodded.

“And it’s good?”

“Yeah. It’s kind of weird, but it’s a nice story.”

“Weird how?”

“I don’t know. It’s just… really fake, unreal…”

“Bogus,” he put in.

“What?” I asked not recognizing the word. “What does that mean?”

“Sorry. It’s something I picked up from Elana.”

I looked away.

“I’m really sorry,” he murmured. “Especially about the roughneck thing.”

Only a person who has experienced it could know just how hard it is to be angry with someone when you have a four-year-old humming in your lap. Believe me, I wanted to be angry with him, but I just couldn’t. Even if Ready hadn’t been there, I wouldn’t have been able to, because it was Stren. No matter what, I knew he cared.

“I never meant a word of it,” he continued.

“I know.”

“Elana really isn’t that bad. Won’t you even talk to her? Just for five minutes?”

I looked him in the eye. “All right.” I deposited Ready on the bench, still listening to the song, as I stood up next to Stren.


* * *


Falcon and Stren walked up to my table and sat down.

“Hey, Elana,” Stren greeted me.

“Hey,” I answered him, but my eyes were focused on Falcon. This had to be the first time she had walked up to me by choice. And although she was here, I could tell that she was by no means comfortable.

“What’s going on?” Stren asked.

“Nothing. I was just thinking.”

“About what?”

“That song we were talking about yesterday, I guess. I just can’t believe you were laughing at it.”

“The singing was horrible,” he said with a glance at Falcon. “There’s just no other word for it.”

Falcon smiled and turned away.

“Have you heard it?” I asked her.

She looked back at me warily. “Yes.”

“Isn’t it just the sweetest thing?”

She looked at me doubtfully. “Not really.”

“Okay, so the singing ISN’T that good, but aren’t the words so sweet?”

She was silent.

I began to quote. “’While the storm is raging, while the earth is trembling, while the rocks are falling, as long as we’re together, I’ll love you forever.’ How can you not think that’s sweet?”

“’As long as we’re together’?” she questioned. “What happens when they’re NOT together?”

“Why wouldn’t they be together?”

“Everyone’s got to leave at some time,” Stren put in.

“If the person really loved the other it wouldn’t be ‘As long as we’re together’, it would be ‘wherever you are, wherever I am’,” Falcon said.

“But that’s what they’re trying to say. Maybe you should listen to the song again.”

“No, that’s all right. Once is definitely enough.”

“Aw, c’mon.”

She shook her head.

I turned to Stren. “Where’s your CD player?”

“Ready’s using it,” he answered.

“Who?”

Falcon pointed across the room to a little redhead sitting near the door.

“Reddy? Was she named for her hair?”

“No.” Falcon shook her head. “Its Ready, as in, ’ready or not, here I come’.”

“Ready?”

“That’s what she said,” Stren assured me.

“What is with you guys’ names? Ready, and Falcon and Stren—”

“Well, that’s short for Strength,” he cut in.

“Fine, then Ready, and Falcon and STRENGTH. I mean, what kind of names are those? Why couldn’t you all have normal names like Jessica, or Lisa, or Bob, or Joe?”

“They’re normal for down here,” Falcon said.

I stopped. What was I supposed to say to that?

Ready walked up behind Falcon and placed two tiny hands over the older girl’s eyes. “Guess who.”

“Is it Ready?”

“No,” she giggled.

“Are you sure?” Falcon reached up and grabbed her hands and pulled her around to where she could see her. “Yes it is.”

Ready laughed and Falcon smiled.

“What do you need, doll?”

“I’m done with the music.” She placed Stren’s CD player on the table, and started to leave. Falcon grabbed her hand gently.

“Wait a minute. I want to you to tell her,” Falcon pointed to me. “What you thought of it.”

Ready looked down shyly. “It was funny.” She ran off giggling.

“She’s so sweet,” I whispered.

“Whoa,” Stren objected. “You’re putting HER in the same category as the song?”

“No.” I paused and then spoke again, much softer. “I feel so sorry for her.”

“Why?” Falcon asked, a quiet, hard edge suddenly appearing in her voice.

“Because she’s an orphan.”

“Most of us are,” Stren informed her.

I was quiet for a minute. “How many of you are down here because of the Ciani?”

Falcon jerked to face me. “What?”

“How many of you are down here because of the Ciani?”

She stared at me. Stren glanced back and forth between us nervously.

“How many are down here because the Ciani killed your parents?” I persisted.

“Is that the first thing you ask when something bad happens? Is it Ciani’s fault?”

“From what I’ve heard, a lot of things are.”

“Well, what you’ve heard is wrong. You don’t know the first think about the Ciani.”

“You act like you’re their friend.”

“Maybe I am.”

“Look, I just asked a question. I figured that since you were born down here you could answer me.”

“I was never born.” She stood abruptly and began to walk out.

“Falcon!” Stren called after her.

“You’re five minutes are up!” She yelled and left.

Stren sank his head into his hands.

“What did she mean?”

He looked up at me. “What?”

“What did she mean, ‘I was never born’?”

“She meant exactly what she said.”

“But… But how is that possible?”

“It’s a long story.”

“But is it true?”

“It depends on your definition of ‘born’.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Look, I can’t explain. I have to go find her.” He got up and walked off.


* * *


How could I have been such an idiot? Why did I think that it would be possible for her to not act like a Surface Person? That was all she was. Sure, she felt sorry for Ready. But she wouldn’t if she knew that Ready was Ciani.

I ran along the hall, not really knowing why, just wanting to run. As if there was anywhere to run to. I would still be underground; part of a secret society that would always be hunted by those that lived above them.

I bumped into a person in the hall.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, not really looking at the person.

“Falcon?” The voice that answered was taught and frightened. “Falcon?”

I looked up. “Sean?”

He swallowed. “Where am I?”

I stared. “How did you get here?”

“I don’t— I don’t know. I was near my house and then I was here.”

Ilen and another Elder came along the passage behind Sean.

Sean suddenly gripped my arms tightly. “Falcon, there was a car. It— It hit me. Am I— Am I…”

I suddenly understood. “Sean, calm down, just calm down. Everything is going to be all right.”

“Do you know him?” Ilen asked.

Sean jerked at the sound of his voice and tried to run away. I grabbed his arm and pulled him back around to face me.

“Let me go!” he yelled.

“Sean, listen to me,” I tried to keep my voice calm and level. “You’re going to be all right. We’re not going to hurt you.”

“Do you know him?” Ilen repeated.

“Yes, this is Stren’s brother.”

“Go get Strength,” he told the other Elder. The man strode off and Ilen turned towards Sean. “Come with me.”

The boy shook his head.

“Please,” Ilen continued.

“Sean,” I said. “It’s all right. I’ll go with you and Stren will be here soon.”

“Stren?”

“Justin. JUSTIN will be here soon. Just, please, do what Ilen says.”

Sean turned around, trembling. I put a hand on his shoulder, just to let him know that I was there. Slowly, he followed after Ilen, as the Elder led us through the halls and into a small room. We’d barely gotten there ourselves before Stren rushed in.

“Justin!” Sean exclaimed, running to his brother.

“Hey,” Stren caught him in his arms. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Princess Elana appeared in the doorway. I turned away. What was she doing here? Couldn’t she understand that this was something private between Stren and Sean? Well maybe she couldn’t, but I could.

I moved across the room and out the door. The Princess followed me as I walked along the hall.

“What’s going on?” She asked behind me.

I didn’t answer.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me to face her. “What is going on? He’s from the Surface, isn’t he?”

“Yes.”

“Then why is he down here. I thought you didn’t allow Surface People down here."

“You’re down here, he’s down here, maybe we’re starting a new policy.” I shook loose from her grasp, but didn’t move away.

“That’s not true, you talked to him like he was a person, I heard you.”

“So what?”

“He’s supposed to be down here.”

“Yes, he is.”

“He’s somehow become one of you.”

I hesitated. “Sean is not a Surface Person any more. He can’t go back to living above ground.”

“I don’t understand.”

“You can’t understand.”

“Yes, I can, if people would only explain things to me.”

“Listen—”

“Falcon!” I turned to see the Elder that had been with Ilen before. “Come with me immediately.” He started walking off briskly. I followed and Princess Elana walked not far behind me. The Elder led us to the door of the caves. “Look.”

I looked out. Stren’s mother and father and brother, Eric were walking around yelling Stren and Sean’s names. I closed my eyes, understanding why they must have come.

“Do you know them?” The Elder asked me.

“Yes.”

“They are Stren’s family then?”

I nodded. “Can I bring them inside?”

“Only to get them away from the eyes of the Surface People.” He began to walk away.

“They will want to see Sean.”

He stopped. “You know our rules. They cannot see anything down here.”

“They have two sons here now. I know this family, they will not betray us for the world.”

He shook his head.

“If we can trust her, then we can trust them.” I nodded towards the princess.

The Elder sighed. “You get them calmed down and I’ll take them to Sean. I’ll be waiting down the hall.”

“Thank you.” He walked off. Slowly, I stepped out, quite grateful that the princess didn’t follow me. Stren’s Father noticed me immediately.

“Falcon!” All three ran over to me.

“Where is Justin?” Stren’s Father demanded.

“He’s inside.”

“And Sean?” Stren’s mother questioned, her voice almost choked out by tears.

“He’s fine. Please, follow me.” I turned and passed back through the entrance. After a moment they hesitantly walked through themselves. I knew it must have been strange for them; they couldn’t see the door, for all they knew they were trying to step through a solid stone wall. But three entered just fine, though slightly unsettled.

“I want to see Sean,” Stren’s Mother said firmly. “I want to see him NOW.”

“You will, I promise.”

“He’s Ciani now, isn’t he? He’s one of you.”

I nodded slowly. “He won’t be able to come back with you.”

“I want to see him,” she said again.”

“Go down this tunnel. You’ll find a man waiting for you. He’ll take you to Sean.”

They left immediately, leaving me alone… almost.

“Ciani?” The princess asked me hesitantly. “You’re Ciani?”

I turned to face her. “Yes.”

“And Stren in Ciani?”

“He’s one of us, isn’t he?”

She turned away. “I am so stupid. Why did I trust you?”

“We trusted you. We’re still trusting you.”

“Trusting me to do what?”

“To keep our secrets safe. To not tell your father where we are.”

“You mean your not going to keep me here forever?”

“No.”

She shook her head and turned to face me. I expected to see hate in her eyes, but there wasn’t. There was something else there, something I couldn’t describe, and it frightened me.

“You and Stren are great liars,” she said. “You almost had me convinced that you were nothing like the Ciani. You almost made me believe that you were peaceful.”

I closed my eyes, not believing what I was hearing. “Don’t you understand? We’re not what you think we are.”

“You said I couldn’t understand, remember?”

“Ciani means ‘second chance’. We’re not here to kill or to steal or anything like that. We’re here to give people a second chance at life. People like Sean and Stren and Ready.” I knew I was pleading, and I hated it. But I had to make her understand.

“What does it matter? Everyone thinks that they’re dead anyway. They can’t help us anymore. What is the point?”

“The point is that they lived. They have a chance to do something and to be someone.” I swallowed. “I have a chance to be someone.”

“To be someone? Who can you be down here? You’re hiding. You can’t win. Sooner or later my father will find you.”

“We only want to live. After all we’re people too. We have names and faces and personalities just like everyone else. You know if your father finds us, he’ll destroy us. Do you really want that to happen?”

“I want to go home,” was all she would answer.


* * *


Stren stared at me. “You’re going? You’ve got to be kidding.”

I stared back at him over my book. “No.”

“You’re going to the palace with Ilen and Diren to take Elana back.”

“I’m trying to read here. Do you mind?”

“Falcon there are people who would kill to see the palace.”

“And I’m not one of them.”

“Even you should be excited. The palace is left over from medieval days. They just modernized it.”

I didn’t answer.

Stren pulled my book down, flat on the table. “It’s left over from the glory days.”

I faked a smile. “The glory days were made by people, not buildings.”

“But the people who began the glory days lived in the palace.”

“So did the people who ended them.”

Stren stared at me. “You’re hopeless.”

“Why thank yo—” My eyes shifted to a figure over Stren’s shoulder. “Oh, stink!”

“What?”

I hid my face behind one hand. “Steel’s coming this way.”

“So?”

“We’re not exactly on the best of terms.”

“What else is new?”

“It’s worse than normal right now.”

“I see.”

Steel stopped at our table. “Hello, Stren… Falcon.”

“Good morning, Steel,” Stren greeted her.

She glanced down at the book in my hands. “What are you reading
today? Another antiquated fairy tale form the Surface?”

I smiled up at her sweetly. “What are you wearing today? Another antiquated fashion from the Surface trash heaps?”

“Thank you for noticing.” She smiled back.

“It wasn’t hard.”

“Very funny.”

“I thought it was.”

“Good bye, Falcon.”

“Good bye, Steel.” She walked off.

“Well,” Stren said. “That was interesting.”

“Uh-huh.” I picked up my book again and began to read.

“What is going on with Steel?”

“She’s just being herself.”

“Meaning?”

“I beat her in one of our classes and she’s sore about it, as usual.”

“Oh.” We were quiet for a minute. “So when are you going?”

“Going?” I looked up.

“When are you going to the palace?”

“In about two hours.”

“Wait a minute— you’re going today?”

“Do you have a problem with that?”

“But she only found out who we were yesterday.”

“Yeah. So?”

“If she goes home today, she wouldn’t have any time to think about what she’s doing.”

“She knows exactly what she’s doing.” I got up and left.

Alright, I finally caught up with this (Cacophony is way behind on her reading ). It's pretty good. Your world is interesting, and I like how you built up the conflict between the Ciani and the surface people. I also like how you use names to set the Ciani apart. I think you did a good job developing the characters as well.

This might be just a personal preference of mine, but there doesn't seem to be enough description. To me, a lot of the dialogue, which is actually pretty good, feels like it takes place in a vacuum. Also, the point of view switch seemed a little jarring to me, may I suggest instead of italics, doing Elana's pov in a very tight third-person limited to help set it apart form Falcons pov?

Anyway, I like this and I'm looking forward to reading more .

Good job! I like all of this, especially the begining, how the dragons started it, Haha that was great. You're a really talented writer. I like the fairy tale world you've created. Wish I lived there...

Thank you both.

And I know that description is one of my major problems... But I just enjoy writing the dialouge so much more!!! lol, any ways... thanks for the comments, they certainly give me something to work on...




Chapter 5



Never had it occurred to me that it might be hard to leave. I’d only been there for two weeks. It wasn’t my home. And yet there was something that made me want to stay. This place and the people in it, seemed strangely real compared to my home.

They lied to me. I had to remind myself of that over and over. And yet there was this thing tugging at the back of my mind that made me wonder if they really were lying. Stren just didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would lie so calmly and so easily. He was too nice, too… real.

And Falcon… Falcon didn’t like me. But she wouldn’t lie to me. That was just who she was. How do you know? I asked myself over and over. I’d only known her for two weeks. I’d only talked to her a few times. And yet, I knew her. I knew that she didn’t like me and that she feared me. Now I understood why; I held her future in my hands. By telling my father what I had seen, I could end everything for her. And by keeping their secrets, I could save her. I had her life in my hands.

But I also had the lives of the Surface People, MY people, in my hands. If I let them go, if I kept quiet and didn’t tell my father, how many more would die because of the Ciani? How many lives would end because I grew too attached to a people that would destroy me in a second?

Or would they? They were letting me go. They were taking me home that very day. Every day that I had been there, they had treated me with respect. They hadn’t harmed me, thought they’d had a million chances. A part of me had to believe that they weren’t lying to me.

But if they were telling me the truth, and I told my father everything that I had seen, then I would be condemning hundreds of innocent people, innocent children. Children like Ready.

So everything came down to one question. Were they lying to me, or weren’t they? There were two civilizations hanging in the balance. If I made the wrong choice, one of them would die needlessly. So which was it? Could I trust Stren? Could I trust Falcon?

Some one knocked at my door.

“Yes?”

“It’s Stren. Can I come in?”

“Sure.”

The door opened and he walked in, closing the door behind him. For a moment we just stared at each other, then he spoke.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“What?”

“I should have told you that we were the Ciani from the beginning. But you have to understand, if you got the wrong impression of us, if we couldn’t convince you of who we really were, then everything would be over.”

“I understand.”

“I’m really sorry.”

He had lied to me. Stren had just admitted that he had lied to me. Things were just not getting any easier.


* * *


Ilen handed it to me. It felt cold in my hand.

“A gun?” I questioned.

“Just in case,” he answered. “Don’t use it unless you have to.” I stared down at the barrel of the gun, resting my palm. “Don’t worry, it won’t kill anyone. It will just knock them unconscious; we fixed it that way. There will be no permanent damage.”

“Sir, if it’s so dangerous, then why are you taking me along?”

“We have our reasons, Falcon.”

I nodded and slipped the barrel of the gun into the back pocket of my jeans, settling my jacket over the handle to hide it. “All right.”

Ilen stepped over to Princess Elana. “Are you ready?”

She nodded slowly and we started out. Three Dragons disguised as humans, known to us as the Elders, one Dragon Child, and a Princess walked right under the noses of the Surface People that day. None of them even realized who they were.

The Elders began to talk to each other as we threaded our way through the Surface Streets. But Princess Elana and I kept silent as we trailed behind them. I wanted to say something, anything to make her understand. But there was nothing more to say. And whenever she glanced my way, the look in her eyes kept me silent. It wasn’t that she was angry, or sad, it was something else. It was the same look she’d had the day before just after she had found out who we were, and it still frightened me. So I kept my mouth shut and followed the Elders.

I don’t remember how long it took us to get to the palace. It seemed like forever with all my worries ricocheting around the inside of my skull. Would she tell her father where we were? Would she even be able to find us again? And if she did, would the King have enough force to root us out of the caves for good? But as soon as I saw the palace, all of those thoughts flew from my mind.

Stren was right, I should have been excited to be coming. The palace was like something straight out of the glory days. High stone walls circled a castle that was only visible through the open gate. Three towers rose high above the walls. A staircase wound around the center tower and twin flags, stitched with the royal emblem topped the other two. I wished that they palace was in my world, rather than that of the Surface People.

Ilen led us through the gate and into the building itself, along with dozens of Surface People. There, the idea that I was in the glory days shattered. There was every kind of kind of electronic device in the room: from lamps to computers. There was even a set of metal detectors with a squad of Security guards to go with it.

Ilen stopped in front of them with Elana standing beside him.

“Good-bye, your majesty,” he said. She didn’t reply, but only passed through the metal detectors and disappeared into the crowd. I hoped that it would be the last time that I saw her.

Diren spoke my name quietly. “Ereen and I are leaving now.” She gestured towards the other Elder. “Ilen will leave in a few minutes. Stay with him.” I nodded my understanding. “Be careful, Falcon.” She glanced at Ilen and then left with Ereen.

I stood looking around, hoping that I wasn’t doing anything that would mark me as different from the other people there. I desperately wanted to leave. But I couldn’t. I had to wait for Ilen to leave. I glanced over at the to where Ilen was standing, just for the security of knowing that I wasn’t alone, and started. He wasn’t there. Swiftly, I scanned the crowd, praying that he was still there. But I couldn’t see him.

“Things are going to be all right,” I told myself. “If I leave now, I might be able to catch up with him before he reaches the caves.” I began walking towards the doors. It seemed as if everyone in the room was looking at me. Bending my head, I kept my eyes on my feet, focusing on putting one foot ahead of the other to keep my mind off the people.

“You there! Girl!” I looked up quickly as two security guards, a man and a woman, strode towards me.

“Put your hands on your head,” the man ordered.

I hesitated.

“I said, put you hands on your head.”

Slowly, I obeyed, clasping my fingers at the back of my head.

The woman moved behind me. “I don’t know what you expect to find,” she told her partner, patting down the pockets of my jeans. “She’s just a girl—” She stopped short, pulling the gun from my back pocket.

“Clear this place out!” The man yelled to the other guards. The room began to clear immediately. “Get the King!” He turned back to the woman. “Do you believe me now, Jane?”

Jane ignored him and asked me. “Where did you get this?”

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to answer.

“What’s your name?”

I looked towards the door. I was so close and yet so far. Maybe I could make it, maybe I couldn’t.

“What’s your name?” she repeated louder, as if she thought I couldn’t hear her.

Looking her in the eye, I kept my mouth shut.

The gate closed as the last person exited, leaving the two guards and I alone. A moment later the King entered, Princess Elana at his heels.

“What’s going on?” he asked.

The man handed him the gun. “She was carrying this.” The Princess’s eyes widened at the sight of the gun. But the King hardly seemed to notice it, though he was the one who was actually holding it. His eyes were focused my face, and yet they stared straight past me, as if I were a ghost or some other sort of creature that haunted his dreams.

“Your majesty,” the security guard said when the King didn’t say anything. “What should we do with her?”

“She’s only a girl,” Jane protested.

“She wouldn’t answer our questions,” the man continued.

“Mark…”

He turned towards her sharply. “I’m only telling him what happened.”

But the King didn’t seem to paying the slightest attention to either of them. He spoke directly to me. “What’s your name?”

“I don’t have one.”

He looked me up and down. “Are you Ciani?”

I clenched my fists. He was definitely her father. Just like the princess, this man hurried to accuse the Ciani whenever things went wrong. Could they think of no one else who could possibly their enemy?

“Are you Ciani?” he repeated firmly. I could see the Princess opening her mouth to answer over his shoulder. I couldn’t let her do that.

Swiftly, I kicked the gun out of the King’s hand and caught it as it fell. In and instant I had it pointing in their direction.

Princess Elana swallowed. “You don’t want to do that.”

I back up slowly. “You’re right. I don’t.”

“Then put it down.”

“Let me go… We let you go.”

She halted at that.

I turned a fired wildly at the gate. One bullet shattered the lock. I ran, pushing the doors open in front of me and just ran.


* * *


Father turned and shut the door to Grandmother’s apartment.

“El, are you all right?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

Grandmother forward in her wheelchair to touch my hand. “We were very worried about you.”

“Did you know that girl?” Father asked quietly.

I was silent.

“The Ciani captured you, didn’t they?”

I bit my lip.

“Tell me where you’ve been Elana!”

“Robert!” Grandmother scolded. “She just got back. Your questions may wait.

“I’m sorry, Mother,” he murmured. He walked over to me and bent to kiss my forehead, but he didn’t really see me. “Welcome back, El.” Then he left, seeming extremely agitated.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into your father,” Grandmother said, shaking her head.

I didn’t say anything.

“What is wrong, Elana?”

I looked her in the eye and then settled down in front of her chair.

“What is it?” She repeated.

“What do you do if—” I stopped, not sure how to phrase my question without giving away what I was really talking about. “What do you do if you think you know something that will save hundreds of lives, but if you’re wrong, it could kill just as many… or more.”

Grandmother looked me steadily in the eye for a moment before answering. “You were captured by the Ciani, weren’t you?”

I nodded slowly.

She sighed. “You’d best tell me everything.”

So I did.

Chapter 6



Diren led me in and sat me in front of Ilen. Slowly, she closed the door. I stared. They NEVER closed the door unless they were going to say something that they didn’t want anyone else to hear.

“Good morning,” Falcon,” Ilen said.

“Good morning,” I mumbled back, my mind still on the door.

Ilen was silent for a long time, seeming reluctant to say anything at all, and at the same time, unsure how to say it. I watched him silently, waiting for him to tell me what was so important that it had to be said behind a closed door.

“We have to tell her sometime,” Diren said, breaking the silence.

“Of course.” There was something in his voice that I didn’t like, a warning that I wasn’t going to like what I was about to hear. Immediately, I wanted it over and done with.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“We should have told you long ago,” Ilen began and dropped off.

Diren waited a moment for him to begin again, but he didn’t. “Just tell her, Ilen.”

“The night that you became Ciani is now known as the Last Night on the Surface. That night the final battle was fought between the old king and the new king.” I had heard all this before, and I wished that he would hurry up and just tell me. But I listened just the same. “The old king, King Andrew Valeen, died that night, along with his wife and daughter.”

I jerked to attention. “Daughter?” I’d never heard anything about a daughter before. “What daughter?”

“They were unborn,” Diren said quietly. “Twins, one named Erynn and the other Elana.”

“Daughter,” I repeated to myself.

“You said only one died.”

Ilen nodded. “The new king saved Elana, the daughter that looked somewhat like his family. He passed her off as his daughter, so that no one could deny that she was the rightful heir, even those remained loyal to the Valeens.”

I should have known what was coming right then, and maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I did. But the rest of my mind refused to listen. So I continued listening, completely unaware of what was about to happen.

“We knew that Erynn was Ciani now,” Ilen went on. “But we didn’t know who she was. Our numbers had grown so much that night. Some children had been aborted; some had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time. But there was no way of telling which one was Erynn. So we told all those that came to us unborn that they had been aborted. It was the easiest thing to do.

“We did eventually find out who Erynn was. But by that time, she was nine-years-old and completely convinced that she was someone else. Someone else named Falcon.”

I stared. “What?”

“Your name is Erynn Valeen, daughter of Andrew Valeen and twin to Elana.”

“Elana? Elana Valeen?”

“Yes. Though right now she is known as Elana Shaltz.”

“Elana Shaltz? The girl that was down here yesterday, that we just took back to the palace?”

“Yes,” Diren confirmed. “That’s how she came down here in the first place.”

“What?”

“Often when one twin had magic, the other does also. But only because she mirrors the first.”

I rested my head in my hands. “Why didn’t you tell me all this when she was here?”

“We thought it was for the best,” Ilen said simply.

“The best? Then why are you telling me now?”

Ilen looked away. “The King had a device made that would tell him who Erynn Valeen was. All he would have to do was get within fifty feet of her, and it would let him know.”

“Why? Why would he want a device like that?”

“Erynn is a threat to him. There are still enough people on the Surface who would like to see a Valeen on the throne, that if you should show up suddenly, things would not go well for him.” He was quiet for a moment. “He now knows that you are Erynn.”

I closed my eyes, remembering the look on the King’s face when he had seen me. I WAS a creature that haunted his dreams, no, not A creature, THE creature.

“It is no longer safe for you here. You must leave.”


* * *



Someone knocked again. I closed my eyes, trying to ignore it. I didn’t want anyone to come in. I just wanted to be alone.

Knock! Knock! Knock!

“I know you’re in there,” Stren said, his voice sounding just as quiet as I felt, and almost as forlorn.

“Come in, then.”

The door opened and he stepped through it as it swung shut behind him. “Hey.”

I didn’t answer, still staring at the wall.

“You weren’t at breakfast or lunch, so I got worried.” He sat down next to me on the edge of the bed. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing. I just wasn’t hungry.”

He nodded slightly. “I guess they told you not to tell, huh?”

“Who?”

“Ilen and Diren.”

I faced him slowly. “How did you know?”

“They told me too, Falcon.”

“Everything?”

“Yeah.”

I turned back to the wall and stared at it, as if I expected it to tell me something, something that would make it all right that I was leaving. Anything to make me feel that I wasn’t losing everything.

“I don’t want to go,” I murmured.

Stren put an arm around my shoulders and gave me a gentle squeeze.

“You won’t be going all that far. Maybe you’ll be able to come back in a little while.”

I stared at him. “Not all that far? How can you say that?” His arm slipped off me. “I’m going through the Gate! I’m going into the other realm, where the rest of the dragons are!”

“I know.”

“I’ll be a world away… literally!”

“But you’re here right now.”

“For six days,” I reminded him.

“Okay! So take those six days, use them.”

“What?”

He dropped off the bed so he could face me. “What’s something that you’ve always wanted to do?”

I raised an eyebrow, entirely uncertain of where he was going.

“C’mon, Falcon. Name something.”

“Tell you to shut it, when you’re trying to cheer me up.”

He hesitated slightly. “So do that. Make the most of these six days. Give the Ciani something to remember you by.”

I stared at him blankly. “Shut it.”

He shrugged. “If that’s really how you want me to remember you.”

I shook my head. “I don’t.”

“Good. But if you still want to tell someone to shut it, we could go talk to Steel.”

Laughing, I shook my head. “I don’t like you.”

“What did I do?”

“You made me laugh.”

“And this is a bad thing?”

“I didn’t WANT to laugh.”

Very nicely done... A good read.

On with the editting of grammatical errors.

Chapter One

Stren’s Mother and Father and especially his brothers, Eric and Sean.


Unnecessary capitalization.



But he knew I was uncomfortable her.


I could not understand this sentence.



“Are you sure, Dear?”


Unnecessary capitalization.



“I know YOU didn’t.”


You might consider italicizing instead of capitalizing ‘YOU’.



“Are you saying that I did?”


Specify who is speaking here.



Stren’s Mother answered for them.


Unnecessary capitalization.



For a second there was silence all around the table.


Seperate 'second' and 'there' with a comma.

“Good-bye, Justin,” Stren’s Father said.
Unnecessary hyphen.

Unnecessary capitalization.



“Would you come in here dear?” Stren’s Mother called to me from the next room.


Seperate ‘here’ and ‘dear’ with a comma.

Unnecessary capitalization.



. . . until I was facing her and searched my eyes.


You might consider using ‘as’ to replace ‘and’.



I took a step backwards to some distance between the two of us.


You might consider replacing ‘to’ with a comma.



Stren’s Mother gave him a hug and handed him a bag.


Unnecessary capitalization.



. . . contempt for him new way of life.


I believe it would be ‘his’ not ‘him’.



However they had changed they were still his family.


Separate ‘changed’ and ‘they’ with a comma.



They cared for each other no matter what.


Separate ‘other’ and ‘no’ with a comma.



. . . having never had family of my own.


Consider using ‘a’ before family.



“It’s weird, every time I come here it seems less like home and more like the Surface.


Use a semicolon instead of a comma.

Separate ‘here’ and ‘it’ with a comma.



“That’s right, you’ve lived in the caves with a bunch of Dragons all your life.”


‘the’ isn’t exactly necessary.



They're all too busy with they’re own little problems.”


‘they’re’ should be ‘their’.



. . . he should have known was a danger sign.


You might consider using ‘as’ instead of ‘was’.



He walked up to a boy about our age who was walking by.


‘about our age’ is an interruption in the sentence; place commas around this phrase.



We’ll be DEAD.


You might consider italicizing ‘DEAD’ instead of capitalizing the word.



“Lets keep going.”


‘Lets’ should have an apostrophe between the ‘t’ and ‘s’.



“Some one you know?”


‘Some one’ may be one word.



“Seem,” I thought to myself. “Only SEEM.” And then aloud. “It’s only your imagination, keep going.”


Instead of quoting her thoughts, consider italicizing it to better understand it. And you might want to change ‘Seem’ to ‘Seeming’ since the girl is seemingly following them.

Instead of quoting her thoughts, consider italicizing it to better understand it. And you might want to change ‘SEEM’ to ‘seeming’. Since the thought is italicized already and you want to exaggerate ‘SEEM’, do not italicize this word only. It will look something like this… ‘Seeming, I thought to myself. Only seeming.’ And it would further strengthen this statement to add ‘Only seeming to follow us.

Either place a period after imagination to make that a sentence, or replace the comma with a semicolon.



“No,” I told myself. “She couldn’t know.”


Italicize her thoughts and get rid of the quotes.



“C’mon, just think about it for ten seconds.


You might consider ending this with a period.



“I DON’T want to.”


You might consider exaggerating ‘DON’T’ be italicizing instead of capitalizing.



I, other hand, had long dark hair that reached past my waist and eyes just as dark.


You might consider adding ‘on the’ before ‘other hand’.[/quote]

Very nice start. Chapter Two critiquing will be up momentarily.
The prologue... I may do it, but it has been giving me a hard time.
Good work.