Young Writers Society

So this is a start, the prologue if you will, of a storybook. A multidute of short stories and/or novels in one book. Inthe same time it follows the happenings of the boy invictus, in a way like stories within a story. ANd I hope, my writing skills have improved since the last time. ENjoy, and leave a comment or two thx in advance
------------------------------
Gathering of Tales

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” said the little boy, still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below his bare feet. He lift his ice blue gaze towards the tall old man walking beside him, his long silver hair almost touched the marble floor as well intertwining with the glide of the boy’s snow white robes.

“Yes Invictus, it is almost 4 am, and you must achieve the mental balance, as well as the physical one.” He said with a low voice that seemed to have echoed in these large halls for eons. His wonderful blue robes enveloped his body, decorated with jewels, crystals and many runes. As they slowly walked towards the library rooms, they passed one of the many windows and a moon ray fell on his face litting the beautiful tattoos with a light blue haze.

The enormous hall rose high above them, with a ceiling so high that almost seemed to have been placed in the very heavens above. Invictus raised his head above towards the ceiling and again, each morning he saw the Scion Knights pierce the Silver Phoenix Spear in Nehrethon, the infernal demon lord, above them hovered Laren sitting in his Scarlet Throne. It seemed strange to him, to see the demon in this position, with his jaw wide open growling feeling the pain of the spear as a punishment of his betrayal. Almost as if this was a punishment worse than death. To be locked in this state of pain and a mockery, placed on a ceiling so all could see his pain.

Invictus brushed that thought away from his young mind when the old man stopped in front of the large doors. Above them, in old Archaic with golden letters it was written:

“Journals of the Traveling bards”

“I shall meet you in a few hours.” He said and raised his hand in front of the door. Invictus brushed his eyes again with his silken sleeve still feeling a little nausea from yesterday’s melee training.

The doors swung wide open and Invictus was again welcomed by the enormous marble hall filled with bookcases that were almost spilling, an array of colors, papers flying around taken by the mists of Scion spirits, patchworks and documents laying stretched on the many tables and torches that that lit the hall with a blue flame. Rays of the crystal clear moon fell on the many tables and marble floor giving it a familiar surreal experience every time he stepped inside that hall.

“I shall send some of the laymen to bring you some food later. Some of the books were recently placed in this library.” He pointed towards a far bookcase with a ring embedded hand on each finger.

“I still can’t believe that you want me to read all of this.” Invictus made a frown and rushed towards a bookcase on the far end of the hall.

“Oh, but we do young one.” Jon said with a tone of mockery in his voice.

“I am not a young one. I am sixteen years old, I am supposed to lurk in taverns and meet some girls, and I am the only kid in this castle on a mountain top in the middle of….only the Gods know where.” He responded with a little rage. He turned around but there was no one standing on the doorway. Not only that but the doors were closed, he was shut inside until someone would come from the outside, which was usually for hours.

He sighed and turned towards the bookcase again.
“Hm….this looks interesting….” He said reaching for a medium sized book, embedded with green leather and moss sprouting from the edges of it. “Potion recepies and forest summonings…” he said and opened the book and a green haze washed on his gentle face and a few butterflies tottered from the book. Songs of exotic birds echoed through the hall and beautiful scents flared his nostrils. “I will leave this one for later…” he gently closed the book and placed it on a chair next to him. The same way the birds’ songs appeared, they vanished inside the book again.

“And what about this….” He took a large, ordinary looking book from the same shelf. “Old tales of the New Age…this might be fun.” He said and opened the book. A flash of white light startled him as he back away. The book fell on the marble floor and the pages turned so fast that it made the book look like a giant fly made from wood. Laughter rippled through the marble halls, and a spirit swirled through Invictus’ white robes so quickly, even he, through his long years of training could barely notice him.

“I am free!” a strange, child-like voice came from above him. He raised his head and a saw a long spirit thread swirling above him, and a globe of small bright light at the one end.

“Who are you spirit?!” Invictus shouted, not in fear, but in anger, he hated when his studies were being interrupted by spirits, especially quill wisps such as this one.

“But I have a name, young one.” He mimicked the voice of Master Jon and let out a musical laugh again. The small globe landed on a wooden table near him, and slowly took the shape of a small three inch gnome. He grinned and a pair of snow white teeth and emerald eyes pierced at the boy. He danced around the table dressed in brown trousers and green vest, with long light green hair embedded with small leaves and flowers that hung from his head. Invictus took the green book with him and came in front of the table, arms crossed, with a frown on his face.

“I might as well banish you from where you came, spirit.” He slammed the book on the table right next to the small creature.

“Oh, feisty one, are you? Tee hee!” He giggled and reached with his small hand between the pages of the moss covered book and took a large willow flower. He gently placed it on the table and sat on it, legs crossed. “I am Olu, and yes I am a quill spirit but I like taking the form of a lepracon.” He laughed reaching inside a pocket in his trousers. He took out a tiny red pebble and placed in the blank space before him. The pebble started to orbit around him, radiating with a red haze.

Invictus pulled a chair and sat in front of him.
“Are you a trickster or some sort of an escaped critter from that book over there?” he pointed with his thumb behind him and turned around, but the book wasn’t there. He made a weird expression and turned around again, and the book was laid wide open before him.

“I am a story teller!” Olu giggled and leaped on the book and stood in front of Invictus face to face. “I was a familiar to one of the Traveling Bards, and before he left, he placed me here inside this book, to keep it from being destroyed by time itself.

“Oh? Is that so?” Invictus asked and arched his eyebrow. He realized that if what the spirit said was true, this book must be very powerful and valuable. “You have piqued my interest Olu, what stories do you have to offer me?”

“They always fall for that one!” he giggled again “but it is true, I keep stories of both old and recent time, of evil doers and heroes favored by the Good Gods, for old and young, for male and female.” He passed with his hand in the air, and mists and sparkles enveloped both of them, slowly lifting the boy and the spirit upwards. Before he knew it, Invictus was inside the book, it seems, surrounded by letters, images of dragons and cities that drifted before his eyes. A blank brownish space surrounded him, as he stepped on a floor made of stories. Olu appeared again before him, and made a smirk.

“See? Know you are in my world inside the book, young one.” He laughed and a long column of names appeared before Invictus.

“These are stories! All of them!” the boy laughed and opened his eyes wide, with the amazement of a child and started examining the names. “What about this one?” he pressed on one of the names that said “Darker Self” and the letters, started to glow with a purple haze.

“Oh, I good choice.” Olu’s voice whispered in the boy’s mind. “A story of a treacherous act, a few years before you were born. A story of Knights and Fallen Gods, plotting to destroy the order of the Temple Masters, the very backbone of the Elenian Empire, of brave soldiers who rush blindly towwards their doom with no questioning.”

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” said the little boy, still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below his bare feet. He lift his ice blue gaze towards the tall old man walking beside him, his long silver hair almost touched the marble floor as well intertwining with the glide of the boy’s snow white robes.

Ok, here you say hes a 'little boy' and then later on you describe him as being sixteen years!..... And, do you mean 'lifted his icey blue gaze'? There is too much 'white' and 'sliver' in this paragraph...although it brings a picture to my mind, it makes it a bit bland.

“Yes Invictus, it is almost 4 am, and you must achieve the mental balance, as well as the physical one.” He said with a low voice that seemed to have echoed in these large halls for eons. His wonderful blue robes enveloped his body, decorated with jewels, crystals and many runes. As they slowly walked towards the library rooms, they passed one of the many windows and a moon ray fell on his face litting the beautiful s with a light blue haze.

Master John says this, I suppose? You need to mention that, because he hasn't spoken before. What does 'eons' mean? Again, you've used light blue and silver....the picture in my mind is a grey, dim, sparkling room....is that what you're trying to get at?

The enormous hall rose high above them, with a ceiling so high that almost seemed to have been placed in the very heavens above. Invictus raised his head above towards the ceiling and again, each morning he saw the Scion Knights pierce the Silver Phoenix Spear in Nehrethon, the infernal lord, above them hovered Laren sitting in his Scarlet Throne. It seemed strange to him, to see the in this position, with his jaw wide open growling feeling the pain of the spear as a punishment of his betrayal. Almost as if this was a punishment worse than . To be locked in this state of pain and a mockery, placed on a ceiling so all could see his pain.

Reading this paragraph made my neck ache! I think you emphasise that the ceiling is very high, and it's repeated a bit, but apart from that its ok.

The doors swung wide open and Invictus was again welcomed by the enormous marble hall filled with bookcases that were almost spilling, an array of colors, papers flying around taken by the mists of Scion spirits, patchworks and documents laying stretched on the many tables and torches that that lit the hall with a blue flame. Rays of the crystal clear moon fell on the many tables and marble floor giving it a familiar surreal experience every time he stepped inside that hall.

'almost spilling'? What about 'bulging from a crowded and dusty bookcase' or something of the sort...

“I shall send some of the laymen to bring you some food later. Some of the books were recently placed in this library.” He pointed towards a far bookcase with a ring embedded hand on each finger.

The second sentance in this chapter should have been on another line, because if you read it at the same time as the one before, it 'sounds' like he's rushing in speaking. And...the 'ring embedded hand'. I don't think thats the right word.

Defenition of Embedded: To fix firmly in a surrounding mass: embed a post in concrete; fossils embedded in shale.

Maybe covered/loaded/weighed down/etc, those sorts of words.

"I still can’t believe that you want me to read all of this.” Invictus made a frown and rushed towards a bookcase on the far end of the hall.

'made a frown'....I think 'with a frown he rushed' would be more suitable.

“I am not a young one. I am sixteen years old, I am supposed to lurk in taverns and meet some s, and I am the only kid in this castle on a mountain top in the middle of….only the Gods know where.” He responded with a little rage. He turned around but there was no one standing on the doorway. Not only that but the doors were closed, he was shut inside until someone would come from the outside, which was usually for hours.

See, there he says he's sixteen years old... 'Responded with a little rage'. more like 'he responded with rage'.

He sighed and turned towards the bookcase again.
“Hm….this looks interesting….” He said reaching for a medium sized book, embedded with green leather and moss sprouting from the edges of it. “Potion recepies and forest summonings…” he said and opened the book and a green haze washed on his gentle face and a few butterflies tottered from the book. Songs of exotic birds echoed through the hall and beautiful scents flared his nostrils. “I will leave this one for later…” he gently closed the book and placed it on a chair next to him. The same way the birds’ songs appeared, they vanished inside the book again.

You said 'embedded' again, but I think the right word is 'covered/bound/etc'.
The butterflies tottered from the book???!!! Do you mean 'staggered/clumsily/etc?'
You only mentioned the bird's songs dissapearing...

“And what about this….” He took a large, ordinary looking book from the same shelf. “Old tales of the New Age…this might be fun.” He said and opened the book. A flash of white light startled him as he back away. The book fell on the marble floor and the pages turned so fast that it made the book look like a giant fly made from wood. Laughter rippled through the marble halls, and a spirit swirled through Invictus’ white robes so quickly, even he, through his long years of training could barely notice him.

He 'backed away' would be better. What's with the 'giant fly made from wood'? Is that meant to represent a fly's wings?

“See? Know you are in my world inside the book, young one.” He laughed and a long column of names appeared before Invictus.

'Now', not 'Know', here.

In all, this was a good story, with an interesting character, who has a very short temper. He sort of changed temperaments at the start, going for a quiet, shy 'kid' to a headstrong, wilfull teenager.

The end wasn't very dramatic, it sounds like you've cut off the story a bit too soon....

Keep up the good work

------------------------------
Gathering of Tales

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” said the little boy, still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below his bare feet. He lift his ice blue gaze towards the tall old man walking beside him, his long silver hair almost touched the marble floor as well intertwining with the glide of the boy’s snow white robes.

I think this is happening a bit too quickly. Take more time to establish the setting. You include the floor and the clothing, but I'm interested in what the room looks like, is it sloppy like most 16 year olds? Or is it clean like someone might expect in a strict school? Little things like that will give me a better picture in my minds eye.

“Yes Invictus, it is almost 4 am, and you must achieve the mental balance, as well as the physical one.” He said with a low voice that seemed to have echoed in these large halls for eons. His wonderful blue robes enveloped his body, decorated with jewels, crystals and many runes. As they slowly walked towards the library rooms, they passed one of the many windows and a moon ray fell on his face litting the beautiful tattoos with a light blue haze.

Another Greek style name; it seems like everyone is using them now. Instead of giving us cosmetic details, (clothing, jewels, etc.) I'd like some more substantial stuff.

“Yes Invictus, it is almost 4 am, and you must achieve the mental balance, as well as the physical one.”

For what? I can guess that this is some sort of magical relation, but it isn't overt and is difficult to spot.

The enormous hall rose high above them, with a ceiling so high that almost seemed to have been placed in the very heavens above. Invictus raised his head above towards the ceiling and again, each morning he saw the Scion Knights pierce the Silver Phoenix Spear in Nehrethon, the infernal demon lord, above them hovered Laren sitting in his Scarlet Throne. It seemed strange to him, to see the demon in this position, with his jaw wide open growling feeling the pain of the spear as a punishment of his betrayal. Almost as if this was a punishment worse than death. To be locked in this state of pain and a mockery, placed on a ceiling so all could see his pain.

Is this a foreshadowing?

Invictus brushed that thought away from his young mind when the old man stopped in front of the large doors. Above them, in old Archaic with golden letters it was written:

“Journals of the Traveling bards”

“I shall meet you in a few hours.” He said and raised his hand in front of the door. Invictus brushed his eyes again with his silken sleeve still feeling a little nausea from yesterday’s melee training.

Instead of “I shall meet you in a few hours.” He said..., it should be “I shall meet you in a few hours," he said...

The doors swung wide open and Invictus was again welcomed by the enormous marble hall filled with bookcases that were almost spilling, an array of colors, papers flying around taken by the mists of Scion spirits, patchworks and documents laying stretched on the many tables and torches that that lit the hall with a blue flame. Rays of the crystal clear moon fell on the many tables and marble floor giving it a familiar surreal experience every time he stepped inside that hall.

“I shall send some of the laymen to bring you some food later. Some of the books were recently placed in this library.” He pointed towards a far bookcase with a ring embedded hand on each finger.[/quote]

I thought that old guy left? Maybe you shouldn't have him say "See you in a few hours", until the end of the conversation.

“I still can’t believe that you want me to read all of this.” Invictus made a frown and rushed towards a bookcase on the far end of the hall.

“Oh, but we do young one.” Jon said with a tone of mockery in his voice.

“I am not a young one. I am sixteen years old, I am supposed to lurk in taverns and meet some girls, and I am the only kid in this castle on a mountain top in the middle of….only the Gods know where.” He responded with a little rage. He turned around but there was no one standing on the doorway. Not only that but the doors were closed, he was shut inside until someone would come from the outside, which was usually for hours.

I'd check to make sure this was in character. If he was brought there when he was really young, he wouldn't have a social comparision to make.

He sighed and turned towards the bookcase again.
“Hm….this looks interesting….” He said reaching for a medium sized book, embedded with green leather and moss sprouting from the edges of it. “Potion recepies and forest summonings…” he said and opened the book and a green haze washed on his gentle face and a few butterflies tottered from the book. Songs of exotic birds echoed through the hall and beautiful scents flared his nostrils. “I will leave this one for later…” he gently closed the book and placed it on a chair next to him. The same way the birds’ songs appeared, they vanished inside the book again.

This is a little weird, if this were a movie it would be the part in which they inserted cool CGI effects. Make sure you are focusing on the important stuff.

“And what about this….” He took a large, ordinary looking book from the same shelf. “Old tales of the New Age…this might be fun.” He said and opened the book. A flash of white light startled him as he back away. The book fell on the marble floor and the pages turned so fast that it made the book look like a giant fly made from wood. Laughter rippled through the marble halls, and a spirit swirled through Invictus’ white robes so quickly, even he, through his long years of training could barely notice him.

“I am free!” a strange, child-like voice came from above him. He raised his head and a saw a long spirit thread swirling above him, and a globe of small bright light at the one end.

This spirit kind of freaks me out. You can keep it, but it is an abrupt change of momentum of the story, so you might want to smooth that over.

“These are stories! All of them!” the boy laughed and opened his eyes wide, with the amazement of a child and started examining the names. “What about this one?” he pressed on one of the names that said “Darker Self” and the letters, started to glow with a purple haze.

“Oh, I good choice.” Olu’s voice whispered in the boy’s mind. “A story of a treacherous act, a few years before you were born. A story of Knights and Fallen Gods, plotting to destroy the order of the Temple Masters, the very backbone of the Elenian Empire, of brave soldiers who rush blindly towwards their doom with no questioning.”

I take it this is where the story comes into play.

Alright. I think you are reaching the depth you need to have for detail, but I think you are focusing on cosmetic details (clothing, jewels, etc.) when you should be focusing on establishing some of the setting. It seems like the story is also kind of airy, which is an annoying undertone, but not a error.

Well, it looks like Boni Bee and Griffinkeeper did a nice job commenting, so i'll hold off on the editing.

And yes, I have noticed a very nice improvement since your last story, the Kingdom of Shadow.

I also will always give you credit for writing fantasy stories in a second language.

Very nice job, Arvy.

I really like the idea of having stories like that.

Most of everything has been covered, but here's some comments.

It seems strange that his 'night clothes' as it said are these magnificetn flwoing robes; also, it seems you kinda got stuck on them and it takes away from the story. Try to weave the description into the story more.

“Yes Invictus, it is almost 4 am,

That seems.. akward. The '4 am' part. Even 'Four o'clock in the morning' doesn't seem to fit. Maybe 'it is two hours before dawn,' would work better? Remember to keep your dialouge fitting with what kind of story it is.

Might I mention that I love the little quill spirit?

Keep writing!

thank you, ladies and gentlemen for the detailed comments. I shall see to it, I get the job done

(modified version)


The large wooden door creaked as it slowly opened. The white candles from the hall illuminated the small room and the silluethe of a large man in robes appeared. He slowly entered inside the dark room and approached the large fireplace. As he stood in front of it, he opened his palms and a few streaks of fire looped from his hands and ignited the pile of rubies and wood. On the far side of the room right next to a bookstand and a cupboard, in the small bed below many covers, slept a boy. He felt the presence of his master, and without opening his eyes he mumbled:

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” he said and reached for the end table next to his bed. “Where is my orb?” he mumbled again.

“I gave it the Acolytes for a recharge, I will give it back to you, don’t worry, no one is taking your orb away.” The man said with a low voice. “Now get ready, it is time for your studies, the first rays of the sun shoot at the skies.” He said and went outside the hall.

Invictus rolled out of the bed, and with slow steps approached a large silver bowl filled with water. He washed his face, and slowly opened his eyes. A silver flash illuminated the room for a moment and the room went dark again, the only light coming from the fireplace. With his large silver eyes, the boy searched the room for his slippers and before long he was outside, facing his master still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below his bare feet. He lift his silver gaze towards the tall old man walking beside him, his long silver hair almost touched the marble floor as well intertwining with the glide of the boy’s snow white robes.

“Some of the Acolytes told me you used the gateways last night and escaped the Keep….” He rose his eyebrow and made a smirk. “…Again. ”He said with a low voice that seemed to have echoed in these large halls for eons. His wonderful blue robes enveloped his body, decorated with jewels, crystals and many runes. As they slowly walked towards the library rooms, they passed one of the many windows and a moon ray fell on his face litting the beautiful tattoos with a light blue haze.

“If this is the moment where I am supposed to say I am sorry, I wont.” Invictus frowned and crossed his arms.

“I don’t except you to say it either…” Jon smirked. “You could have told that you wanted to go out, I would allow it. For heaven’s sake, I would even escort a chariot to bring you to the nearby villages.” Jon said and let out a musical laughter.

“You are toying with me Master Jon, don’t you?” Invictus said and quickened his pace down the hall passing by a row of large statues towering above him with their swords risen above them. He came to an intersection of the four halls, in a large space that could enclose an entire gnome village, with many torches and candles placed on the marble walls. The enormous hall rose high above him, with a ceiling so high that almost seemed to have been placed in the very heavens above. Invictus raised his head above towards the ceiling and again, each morning he saw the Scion Knights pierce the Silver Phoenix Spear in Nehrethon, the infernal demon lord, above them hovered Laren sitting in his Scarlet Throne. It seemed strange to him, to see the demon in this position, with his jaw wide open growling feeling the pain of the spear as a punishment of his betrayal. Almost as if this was a punishment worse than death. To be locked in this state of pain and a mockery, placed on a ceiling so all could see his pain.

He lowered his gaze and Master Jon was already standing in front of him.
“Why should I toy around with you? You are a future king. If you want to re-establish order in this continent you have to socialize with others. To think as they do. To see as they do. You cant be a good if you don’t know the troubles of your people.” He said and tapped Invictus on his dark coloured hair.

“By right of what lineage? I was the son of a shepard! I am no king!” Invictus responded with rage.

“Yes, and only a shepard knows how to lead his flock. Don’t worry young one, for some questions not even the wisest of sages know the answer, only time itself. You will come to realise it.” Jon said and curled a smile.

Once again. Invictus tried not to think about it. Every night he was hunted by nightmares of demise. Was he only a mockery? How could a village boy afford himself to be trained under the tutelage by one of the most powerful and secretive order in known Archanon? He brushed that thought away from his young mind when the old man stopped in front of the large doors. Above them, in old Archaic with golden letters it was written:

“Journals of the Traveling bards”

“I shall meet you in a few hours.” He said and raised his hand in front of the door. Invictus brushed his eyes again with his silken sleeve still feeling a little nausea from yesterday’s melee training.

The doors swung wide open and Invictus was again welcomed by the enormous hall filled with bookcases that were almost spilling, an array of colors, papers flying around taken by the mists of Scion spirits, patchworks and documents laying stretched on the many tables and torches that that lit the hall with a blue flame. Rays of the crystal clear moon fell on the many tables and marble floor giving it a familiar surreal experience every time he stepped inside that hall.

“I shall send some of the laymen to bring you some food later. Many of the books were recently placed in this library.” He pointed towards a far bookcase with a hand decorated with rings on each finger.

“I still can’t believe that you want me to read all of this.” Invictus made a frown and rushed towards a bookcase on the far end of the hall.

“Oh, but we do young one.” Jon said with a tone of mockery in his voice. “This is only one of the two hundred libraries, many of them hidden from curious scavengers such as yourself.”

“Where do you find all of them? Are they being brought by the Traveling Bards and Perun Castle?” Invictus said scanning the bookcases one by one.

“Both. But we have many other sources as well, such as the Aurin Academies, wizard guilds from Astraion, the House of the Lotus Quill, or found by the 5th Circle, during their battles with extraplanar creatures.”

“Amazing…I thought that the House of the Lotus Quill was only a myth…” Invictus said slowly walking towards one of the many bookcases.

“Until recently, so did we. Nonetheless, the location stays hidden. It is a bargain, in a way, we keep them concealed by many power hungry wizards and adventures, they give us copies from their tomes. In fact, the bookcase you are currently looking at has many of their books.” Jon said as he was preparing to leave. “Good luck, young one…”

“I am not a young one. I am sixteen years old, I am supposed to lurk in taverns and meet some girls, and I am the only kid in this castle on a mountain top in the middle of….only the Gods know where.” He responded with a little rage. He turned around but there was no one standing on the doorway. Not only that but the doors were closed, he was shut inside until someone would come from the outside, which was usually for hours.

He sighed and turned towards the bookcase again.
“Hm….this looks interesting….” He said reaching for a medium sized book, embedded with green leather and moss sprouting from the edges of it. “Potion recepies and forest summonings…” he said and opened the book and a green haze washed on his gentle face and a few butterflies flew from the book. “I will leave this one for later…” he gently closed the book and placed it on a chair next to him as a few roots sprouted from the pages of the book.

“And what about this….” He took a large, ordinary looking book from the same shelf. “Old tales of the New Age by Kana Do Shinjio…this might be fun.” He said and opened the book. A flash of white light startled him as he backed away. The book fell on the marble floor and the pages turned and ripped themselves forming many colourful origami followed by letters in old Archaic. Laughter rippled through the marble halls, and a spirit swirled through Invictus’ white robes so quickly, even he, through his long years of training could barely notice him.

“I am free!” a strange, child-like voice came from above him. He raised his head and a saw a long spirit thread swirling above him, and a globe of small bright light at the one end.

“Who are you spirit?!” Invictus shouted, not in fear, but in anger, he hated when his studies were being interrupted by spirits, especially quill wisps such as this one.

“But I have a name, young one.” He mimicked the voice of Master Jon and let out a musical laugh again. The small globe landed on a wooden table near him, and slowly took the shape of a small three inch gnome. He grinned and a pair of snow white teeth and emerald eyes pierced at the boy. He danced around the table dressed in brown trousers and green vest, with long light green hair embedded with small leaves and flowers that hung from his head. Invictus took the green book with him and came in front of the table, arms crossed, with a frown on his face.

“I might as well banish you from where you came, spirit.” He slammed the book on the table right next to the small creature.

“Oh, feisty one, are you? Tee hee!” He giggled and reached with his small hand between the pages of the moss covered book and took a large willow flower. He gently placed it on the table and sat on it, legs crossed. “I am Olu, and yes I am a quill spirit but I like taking the form of a lepracon.” He laughed reaching inside a pocket in his trousers. He took out a tiny red pebble and placed in the blank space before him. The pebble started to orbit around him, radiating with a red haze.

Invictus pulled a chair and sat in front of him.
“Are you a trickster or some sort of an escaped critter from that book over there?” he pointed with his thumb behind him and turned around, but the book wasn’t there. He made a weird expression and turned around again, and the book was laid wide open before him.

“I am a story teller!” Olu giggled and leaped on the book and stood in front of Invictus face to face. “I was a familiar to one of the Traveling Bards, and before he left, he placed me here inside this book, to keep it from being destroyed by time itself.

“Oh? Is that so?” Invictus asked and arched his eyebrow. He realized that if what the spirit said was true, this book must be very powerful and valuable. “You have piqued my interest spirit, what stories do you have to offer me?”

“They always fall for that one!” he giggled again “but it is true, I keep stories of both old and recent time, of evil doers and heroes favored by the Good Gods, for old and young, for male and female.” He passed with his hand in the air, and mists and sparkles enveloped both of them, slowly lifting the boy and the spirit upwards. Before he knew it, Invictus was inside the book, it seems, surrounded by letters, images of dragons and cities that drifted before his eyes. A blank brownish space surrounded him, as he stepped on a floor made of stories. Olu appeared again before him, and made a smirk.

“See? Know you are in my world inside the book, young one.” He laughed and a long column of names appeared before Invictus.

“These are stories! All of them!” the boy laughed and opened his eyes wide, with the amazement of a child and started examining the names. “What about this one?” he pressed on one of the names that said “Darker Self” and the letters, started to glow with a purple haze.

“Oh, I good choice.” Olu’s voice whispered in the boy’s mind. “A story of a treacherous act, a few years before you were born. A story of Knights and Fallen Gods, plotting to destroy the order of the Temple Masters, the very backbone of the Elenian Empire. A story of brave soldiers who rush blindly towards their doom driven by unholy rage when in the end it all comes down because of a single insignificant dream.”

(modified version)


The large wooden door creaked as it slowly opened. The white candles from the hall illuminated the small room and the silluethe of a large man in robes appeared. He slowly entered inside the dark room and approached the large fireplace. As he stood in front of it, he opened his palms and a few streaks of fire looped from his hands and ignited the pile of rubies and wood. On the far side of the room right next to a bookstand and a cupboard, in the small bed below many covers, slept a boy. He felt the presence of his master, and without opening his eyes he mumbled:

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” he said and reached for the end table next to his bed. “Where is my orb?” he mumbled again.

“I gave it the Acolytes for a recharge, I will give it back to you, don’t worry, no one is taking your orb away.” The man said with a low voice. “Now get ready, it is time for your studies, the first rays of the sun shoot at the skies.” He said and went outside the hall.

Invictus rolled out of the bed, and with slow steps approached a large silver bowl filled with water. He washed his face, and slowly opened his eyes. A silver flash illuminated the room for a moment and the room went dark again, the only light coming from the fireplace. With his large silver eyes, the boy searched the room for his slippers and before long he was outside, facing his master still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below his bare feet. He lift his silver gaze towards the tall old man walking beside him, his long silver hair almost touched the marble floor as well intertwining with the glide of the boy’s snow white robes.

“Some of the Acolytes told me you used the gateways last night and escaped the Keep….” He rose his eyebrow and made a smirk. “…Again. ”He said with a low voice that seemed to have echoed in these large halls for eons. His wonderful blue robes enveloped his body, decorated with jewels, crystals and many runes. As they slowly walked towards the library rooms, they passed one of the many windows and a moon ray fell on his face litting the beautiful tattoos with a light blue haze.

“If this is the moment where I am supposed to say I am sorry, I wont.” Invictus frowned and crossed his arms.

“I don’t except you to say it either…” Jon smirked. “You could have told that you wanted to go out, I would allow it. For heaven’s sake, I would even escort a chariot to bring you to the nearby villages.” Jon said and let out a musical laughter.

“You are toying with me Master Jon, don’t you?” Invictus said and quickened his pace down the hall passing by a row of large statues towering above him with their swords risen above them. He came to an intersection of the four halls, in a large space that could enclose an entire gnome village, with many torches and candles placed on the marble walls. The enormous hall rose high above him, with a ceiling so high that almost seemed to have been placed in the very heavens above. Invictus raised his head above towards the ceiling and again, each morning he saw the Scion Knights pierce the Silver Phoenix Spear in Nehrethon, the infernal demon lord, above them hovered Laren sitting in his Scarlet Throne. It seemed strange to him, to see the demon in this position, with his jaw wide open growling feeling the pain of the spear as a punishment of his betrayal. Almost as if this was a punishment worse than death. To be locked in this state of pain and a mockery, placed on a ceiling so all could see his pain.

He lowered his gaze and Master Jon was already standing in front of him.
“Why should I toy around with you? You are a future king. If you want to re-establish order in this continent you have to socialize with others. To think as they do. To see as they do. You cant be a good king if you don’t know the troubles of your people.” He said and tapped Invictus on his dark coloured hair.

“By right of what lineage? I was the son of a shepard! I am no king!” Invictus responded with rage.

“Yes, and only a shepard knows how to lead his flock. Don’t worry young one, for some questions not even the wisest of sages know the answer, only time itself. You will come to realise it.” Jon said and curled a smile.

Once again. Invictus tried not to think about it. Every night he was hunted by nightmares of demise. Was he only a mockery? How could a village boy afford himself to be trained under the tutelage by one of the most powerful and secretive order in known Archanon? He brushed that thought away from his young mind when the old man stopped in front of the large doors. Above them, in old Archaic with golden letters it was written:

“Journals of the Traveling bards”

“I shall meet you in a few hours.” He said and raised his hand in front of the door. Invictus brushed his eyes again with his silken sleeve still feeling a little nausea from yesterday’s melee training.

The doors swung wide open and Invictus was again welcomed by the enormous hall filled with bookcases that were almost spilling, an array of colors, papers flying around taken by the mists of Scion spirits, patchworks and documents laying stretched on the many tables and torches that that lit the hall with a blue flame. Rays of the crystal clear moon fell on the many tables and marble floor giving it a familiar surreal experience every time he stepped inside that hall.

“I shall send some of the laymen to bring you some food later. Many of the books were recently placed in this library.” He pointed towards a far bookcase with a hand decorated with rings on each finger.

“I still can’t believe that you want me to read all of this.” Invictus made a frown and rushed towards a bookcase on the far end of the hall.

“Oh, but we do young one.” Jon said with a tone of mockery in his voice. “This is only one of the two hundred libraries, many of them hidden from curious scavengers such as yourself.”

“Where do you find all of them? Are they being brought by the Traveling Bards and Perun Castle?” Invictus said scanning the bookcases one by one.

“Both. But we have many other sources as well, such as the Aurin Academies, wizard guilds from Astraion, the House of the Lotus Quill, or found by the 5th Circle, during their battles with extraplanar creatures.”

“Amazing…I thought that the House of the Lotus Quill was only a myth…” Invictus said slowly walking towards one of the many bookcases.

“Until recently, so did we. Nonetheless, the location stays hidden. It is a bargain, in a way, we keep them concealed by many power hungry wizards and adventures, they give us copies from their tomes. In fact, the bookcase you are currently looking at has many of their books.” Jon said as he was preparing to leave. “Good luck, young one…”

“I am not a young one. I am sixteen years old, I am supposed to lurk in taverns and meet some girls, and I am the only kid in this castle on a mountain top in the middle of….only the Gods know where.” He responded with a little rage. He turned around but there was no one standing on the doorway. Not only that but the doors were closed, he was shut inside until someone would come from the outside, which was usually for hours.

He sighed and turned towards the bookcase again.
“Hm….this looks interesting….” He said reaching for a medium sized book, embedded with green leather and moss sprouting from the edges of it. “Potion recepies and forest summonings…” he said and opened the book and a green haze washed on his gentle face and a few butterflies flew from the book. “I will leave this one for later…” he gently closed the book and placed it on a chair next to him as a few roots sprouted from the pages of the book.

“And what about this….” He took a large, ordinary looking book from the same shelf. “Old tales of the New Age by Kana Do Shinjio…this might be fun.” He said and opened the book. A flash of white light startled him as he backed away. The book fell on the marble floor and the pages turned and ripped themselves forming many colourful origami followed by letters in old Archaic. Laughter rippled through the marble halls, and a spirit swirled through Invictus’ white robes so quickly, even he, through his long years of training could barely notice him.

“I am free!” a strange, child-like voice came from above him. He raised his head and a saw a long spirit thread swirling above him, and a globe of small bright light at the one end.

“Who are you spirit?!” Invictus shouted, not in fear, but in anger, he hated when his studies were being interrupted by spirits, especially quill wisps such as this one.

“But I have a name, young one.” He mimicked the voice of Master Jon and let out a musical laugh again. The small globe landed on a wooden table near him, and slowly took the shape of a small three inch gnome. He grinned and a pair of snow white teeth and emerald eyes pierced at the boy. He danced around the table dressed in brown trousers and green vest, with long light green hair embedded with small leaves and flowers that hung from his head. Invictus took the green book with him and came in front of the table, arms crossed, with a frown on his face.

“I might as well banish you from where you came, spirit.” He slammed the book on the table right next to the small creature.

“Oh, feisty one, are you? Tee hee!” He giggled and reached with his small hand between the pages of the moss covered book and took a large willow flower. He gently placed it on the table and sat on it, legs crossed. “I am Olu, and yes I am a quill spirit but I like taking the form of a lepracon.” He laughed reaching inside a pocket in his trousers. He took out a tiny red pebble and placed in the blank space before him. The pebble started to orbit around him, radiating with a red haze.

Invictus pulled a chair and sat in front of him.
“Are you a trickster or some sort of an escaped critter from that book over there?” he pointed with his thumb behind him and turned around, but the book wasn’t there. He made a weird expression and turned around again, and the book was laid wide open before him.

“I am a story teller!” Olu giggled and leaped on the book and stood in front of Invictus face to face. “I was a familiar to one of the Traveling Bards, and before he left, he placed me here inside this book, to keep it from being destroyed by time itself.

“Oh? Is that so?” Invictus asked and arched his eyebrow. He realized that if what the spirit said was true, this book must be very powerful and valuable. “You have piqued my interest spirit, what stories do you have to offer me?”

“They always fall for that one!” he giggled again “but it is true, I keep stories of both old and recent time, of evil doers and heroes favored by the Good Gods, for old and young, for male and female.” He passed with his hand in the air, and mists and sparkles enveloped both of them, slowly lifting the boy and the spirit upwards. Before he knew it, Invictus was inside the book, it seems, surrounded by letters, images of dragons and cities that drifted before his eyes. A blank brownish space surrounded him, as he stepped on a floor made of stories. Olu appeared again before him, and made a smirk.

“See? Know you are in my world inside the book, young one.” He laughed and a long column of names appeared before Invictus.

“These are stories! All of them!” the boy laughed and opened his eyes wide, with the amazement of a child and started examining the names. “What about this one?” he pressed on one of the names that said “Darker Self” and the letters, started to glow with a purple haze.

“Oh, I good choice.” Olu’s voice whispered in the boy’s mind. “A story of a treacherous act, a few years before you were born. A story of Knights and Fallen Gods, plotting to destroy the order of the Temple Masters, the very backbone of the Elenian Empire. A story of brave soldiers who rush blindly towards their doom driven by unholy rage when in the end it all comes down because of a single insignificant dream.”

I'm making a note to myself to come back here later and add my review on this post (Invictus, orb, shepard king 'storybook')

Arvandor wrote:The large wooden door creaked as it slowly opened. The white candles from the hall illuminated the small room and the silluethe of a large man in robes appeared.

Do you mean the 'silhouette'?

On the far side of the room right next to a bookstand and a cupboard, in the small bed below many covers, slept a boy. He felt the presence of his master, and without opening his eyes he mumbled:

Errmm...this sentance is too long: 'on the...next to....in the...etc..' but I'm not sure how to re do it...

“Master Jon, is it time for my studies again?” he said and reached for the end table next to his bed. “Where is my orb?” he mumbled again.

'he mumbled again, sound annoyed as he searched blindly for the object'

With his large silver eyes, the boy searched the room for his slippers and before long he was outside, facing his master still dressed in his night clothes. The long white robes glided on the clean marble below his bare feet. He lift his silver gaze towards the tall old man walking beside him, his long silver hair almost touched the marble floor as well intertwining with the glide of the boy’s snow white robes.

'With his large luminous eyes' gives a better picture

'before long he was outside, facing his master, and still clothed in his night clothes'

'He lifted his silver gaze towards the all old man walking beside him. The stern figures silver hair almost touched the marble foor, intertwining with the glide of the boys snow white robes'

“I don’t except you to say it either…” Jon smirked. “You could have told that you wanted to go out, I would allow it. For heaven’s sake, I would even escort a chariot to bring you to the nearby villages.” Jon said and let out a musical laughter.

'"I don't expect you to say it either..."'
'"You could have told me that you wanted to go out'

“You are toying with me Master Jon, don’t you?” Invictus said and quickened his pace down the hall passing by a row of large statues towering above him with their swords risen above them. He came to an intersection of the four halls, in a large space that could enclose an entire gnome village, with many torches and candles placed on the marble walls.

'"You are toying with me Master Jon, aren't you?" Invictus said, and quickened his pace down the hall. He passed by a row of large statues towering above him with their swords risen over their heads.

You cant be a good if you don’t know the troubles of your people.” He said and tapped Invictus on his dark coloured hair.

'You can't be a good (king?) if you don't know the troubles of your people", he said, and tapped Invictus on his dark haired head'

The doors swung wide open and Invictus was again welcomed by the enormous hall filled with bookcases that were almost spilling, an array of colors, papers flying around taken by the mists of Scion spirits, patchworks and documents laying stretched on the many tables and torches that that lit the hall with a blue flame.

'bookcases that were almost spilling their contents'

Well....I liked some of this, and some of it I think the first edition portrayed better. The end was rather abrupt, but interesting. Everything is white, silver or blue, and this gets on my nerves a bit, when the description of almost everything is those colours...
I'd like to see where this goes...

Anyway, god job

tnx for the detailed comment

about the colours...its supposed to be, cuz its on the top of the tallest moutain. Also the place is sort of a gateway and all

I am going to have to disagree with Griffen, Arvandor in saying that it is happening too quickly. The reader wants action, not more description.

Sorry Arvy dear it took me so long to get this up.

Here's your crit. :lots_hearts:


1. spell check, silloethe should be silhouete.

2. In the first paragraph you talk about 'a pile of rubies and wood'. Rubies? And it ignites? A bit confused? Are they that rich and careless to light rubies on fire...

3. Third paragraph, really the dialogue: is it supossed to be to the Acolytes it doesn't sound try without the to.

4. Look for different words for those commonplace, I suggest using http://www.thesaurus.com. Words like said, went and approached should be livened up.

5. In the forth paragraph begining with 'Invictus rolled...' you used too much descriptions of silver, trim it down too much, it's a bit of an overload because all that comes away with the reader is 'silver'. It's a little blinding.

6. Reformat, give the dialogue it's own lines.

7. Cut out the elipses in the dialogue that begins with "I don't expect you to" by Jon. Use them sparingly. It's a habit I get into a lot as well.

8. As Griffin (I do believe) stated the entrance into Invictus you focus on the bed and not the surrounding area, you do this through out the story, try describe the whole and then the particular. It will give your reader a clearer picture.

9. As I already stated, I really like Jon's dialogue but Invictus' makes him sound like a impudent, prudish boy. You don't give enough description of him, Invictus I mean, so in that you bank on the dialogue as a way for us to see him in our minds. What does he look like? What color eyes, hair, skin? Add some discriptors to him instead of just his robes colors.

10. The reason I think the dialogue is off on Invictus is because at the begining before he is fully awake he seems rather amiable, then he goes into attack mode...Is that how you wanted it? Maybe I'm just not fond of your main character.

11. I really like the description of the library and all the books. YAY... Libraries...

12. I also like the intrigue, cloak and dagger I think of when you explain the secret societies...hehheh.

13. The name Shinjio seems so close to Shinjo, was that your intention?

14. Rage...please tell me hon, you know more words for heated discomfort than rage...

15. Again with the elipses, please refine your dialogue to use them sparingly.

16. Olu, he indeedily rocks. I like him, very much, tricksters unite!

17. Although at first, the image of Olu is of light, I imagined more of red and yellow kind of dragon or wyvern sprite and not something of a Leperchaun. More of a thing of light and corporeal.

18. What is it with you and using Tee hee, my advice get rid of it. It seems out of place, just have him say, 'Oh, feisty one, aren't you?'

19. Again, reformat giving dialogue it's own paragraphs and such. Makes it easier to read.

20. Giggling, somehow I don't see Olu giggling maybe cackling but that's haggish, or smirking, or some other kind of laughing...

21. lepracon, seemingmy very close to Leperchaun...I suggest changing the name, and why does he have to take the form of anything. Floating ball of light, not good enough?

22. Invictus as his dialogue states seems to think he is smarter than this thousand year old spirit. Hah...

23. Ooooh, Darker Self, sounds like fun can't wait mon cherie!

So that's the end of it. Hope it helps hon.

oh and PS

24. Have you found a name for me yet?

besos y brazos
CL

AHHHHH THE GNOMES THE GNOMES...