Young Writers Society

Another story of mine. For once, I actually somewhat like this one. How odd. Not exactly sure where I'm going with it, as the plot is full of gaping holes... Comments muchly appreciated.

UPDATED

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Araro rested his arms on the broad stone parapet and leaned into the breeze, closing his eyes as the wind tousled his rough brown hair. He could feel the warmth of the spring sun on his back and the worn stone walltop under his bare feet. A smile played on his face as he rested there, listening to the slow afternoon sounds of the city Telrinia.

Below him he could hear the faint shouts and cries of the market place. Far away across the city came the ringing of the Tower bells, echoing. Araro heaved sigh and rested his head on his arms, enjoying the idilic day.

"Araro, where are you lad?" A tall lean young man jogged up the narrow stone steps onto the wall. He slowed and stopped as he neared the boy, raising an eyebrow. "What are you doing up here by yourself?" he asked.

Araro threw a glance towards his tall friend and smiled insolently. "Well, Kondur, I was trying to get away from the monotonous sound of your voice." He sighed in regret. "It didn't work."

"Young imp." Kondur cuffed him playfully. "If you don't stop throwing around those big words I can't understand I'm going to make Irdan stop sending you to school." He snorted. "University education indeed. Guard of the City is a lofty enough title for me."

Araro simply smiled and yawned. "Is there any particular reason you came up here off duty or did you just want the company your favorite nuisance?"

Kondur threw his head back and laughed. "If I wanted company I wouldn't be here. The Captain wants you." Raising an eyebrow he poked Araro's bony shoulder. "What have you been into that you shouldn't have? Been pestering the Warden's dog again?"

Araro sniffed and brushed his hand off. "I'll have you know I have done nothing to be ashamed of." He blinked. "I think." Ignoring Kondur's smirk, he pushed himself away from the wall. "Is he in his office?"

"If you could call it that," Kondur nodded. He gave Araro a none to gentle shove. "Better hurry up, he's in one of his frenzies. Someone from higher up must be hounding him about paperwork again."

"Right." Araro took off down the wall, calling back over his shoulder, "Just be glad you'll never be more than a simple guard, your feeble brain couldn't handle the stress!"

Kondur's booming laughter followed him as he half-ran along the inside edge of the broad city wall.

Araro waved to the on-duty guards as he passed them, standing tall in the raised alcove. Their bright mail and white and gold tunics, the spreading tree insignia of the city on the back, crested helmets sitting proudly on their heads all declared them Guards of the City. An image city pride and duty. A better duty Araro could not imagine.

It wasn't far from here to the North-west corner tower and Captain Rothas' office. Araro took the stairs leading to the top, running through the Guard's Room and back down the stairs into the middle of the round tower. The dimness was a stark contrast to the brilliance of the spring sunshine.

"Captain? Kondur told me you wanted to see me," Araro called. He jumped the last few steps and landed noisily on the floor, facing into the room.

Captain Rothas, Northside Captain of the Wall Guard, sat with his long legs sprawled out underneath his worn desk piled high with papers. His dark hair was rumpled and his white and gold tunic was wrinkled. He heaved a sigh and motioned Araro to come closer.

"Araro," he said wearily, "Whatever your plans are, take my advice and never become a Captain. The paper work is awful." Running his fingers through his hair, he looked longingly out the narrow window to the sun outside before turning to Araro. "What was it
I wanted you for?" His gaze rested blankly on the young boy for a minute, then cleared. "Ah, message, take the message-" he began rummaging through piles of papers, muttering to himself as Araro watched delightedly.

"Here it is," Rothas crowed. He waved the paper triumphantly. "Araro, take this message to Captain Pirmar immediately." Araro took this misssive with a salute. The captain raised an eyebrow. "None of your shenanigans, now," he warned.

Araro looked offended as he tucked the paper safely away. "I would never do anything like that!" he protested, a sparkle in his eye. "Why would you think such a thing?"

Rothas mussed his hair affectionately. "Experience. Now, get on with you." Laughing, he turned back to his work. "And put your boots on."

Scowling, Araro took the boots tossed to him by Rothas and slipped his feet into them. Stomping loudly, he ran noisily up the stairs. Rothas simply grinned and shook his head as the brown-haired boy disappeared.

Out in the sun again, Araro took the liberty of slowing to a walk. Captain Pirmar's office wasn't far away, just to the next tower, and it wouldn't take him more than ten minutes to get there. Araro took the chance to enjoy the beautiful spring day.

The north-east tower neared, and Araro quickened his pace. Up the side of the tower, across the small round top, and down the spiralling stairs to a room the mirror-image of Rothas'. A grey-haired man sat slumbering at the desk. Rather than wake him, Araro tip-toed across the stone floor and laid the message carefully in front of Pirmar, grinning a bit. If he woke him he'd be delivering messages all day. A second more and then he was outside again, mission accomplished. He began whistling as he raced along the wall.

Araro paused a moment on the first step of the wide stone stairs. As far as the eye could see was tall buildings, towering houses and magnificent architecture. The University of Telrina rose far above on the far side of the city, white towers reaching for the sky. Araro thought he could even see a glimpse of the Southern Wall.

He shook his head slightly and trotted down the stairs to the ground, straight into the North-side Market. The noise surrounded him as he descended into the hustle and bustle of the teeming crowd. Letting the rhythm of the city encompass him, he dodged through the crowd with ease. He knew where he was going.

I like the story flow. It seemed like you introduced Kondur a little quickly, I would have liked another paragraph to get used to the setting.

Also, it doesn't make sense that Captain Primar isn't woken. Araro, we presume, has delivered messages before, so we would also assume that he would wake someone up. If there is any reason for him not to wake him (Araro knew that if he woke him, he would be delivering messages all day) it should be stated. Otherwise, we'll go to the default notion of a messenger.

I did spot some unnecessary commas.

All the guards knew Araro, and he could well identify everyone who stood wall guard.

"Is there any particular reason you came up here off duty, or did you just want the company your favorite nuisance?"

If you only join two thoughts with a conjunction (and, or, etc...) you don't need a comma. If it is with more than two thoughts, the commas apply. For example:

"I went to the grocery store and school."
"I bought lettuce, tomatoes, and corn at the grocery store."
"Did you get lettuce or cabbage?"

That's it. I'm kind of interested in what happens next, which means you did a good job.

ditto^ I'd like to see the next bit There could be a bit more description and emotion in it though...I didn't really get an idea of the countryside/castle...

Good point, good point, *grabs handy red pen*

Must go add description.

On a plot note, though, I'm stuck. So it may be a while before this goes much of anywhere....

Dragons, anyone? Gotta have dragons.

Ooh, I like this. You make it very clear that this is a fantasy story, but do it in a different way. The characters are so much more personable, so much more real than others I've encountered in the fantasy genre. I didn't really mind the two commas Griffin pointed out, because they were in dialogue and so it helped me to read it in the intended tone.

I only noticed one typo:

Araro sniffed and brushed his hand off. "I'll have you know I have done nothing to be ashamed off."

I can tell you meant "of."

Other than that, I immediately like Araro, which is always good.

Erm... plot suggestions? You're asking the girl who started a story in April and didn't actually write the first chapter until October. So. Yes. But dragons are always good.

I think this has a very well-written description, although, it might be better if you could describe things such as the guards, and I would also add a small detail into the story to give hint of the time period in which this takes places, I am still left without knowing if it is medieval times or present day. Plus, a detail to show the time would be much more effective than stating the time period flatly.

The only other thing I notice, I am not sure that it is a bad thing, but it is that it seems rather playful, and childish in the sense of being so brightly colored. Now this would be a perfect beginning if you are to twist it and make it much more dark later in the story, but this is just something I discovered.

Now I may seem picky but you also happened to repeat the words playful and laughter at least once. Just to make it a little bit better I would maybe replace those with some words with the same action or description.

Besides my annoying critique this proved to be an extremly well-written and thought out story. I do advise you to continue. I would also like to talk to you in a chat of some sort, I may be able to help you with the gaps in your plot and the other things I have pointed out.

Very good story,

~Yrael

If this were to go somewhere, I'd have it go off the cliff.

I'm not talking about your writing skills, but the character in general.

Alright, quick lesson from plot theory.

Your character right now is in very good standing. He has a job, he is being trained in the university, everything is going well for him.

This needs to change, otherwise it becomes a boring story really quickly.

The typical response is to make a quest. We can do this, but lets pick it up a notch. One path I can see is this:

The young man is told to escort a bard around. The Bard is one of the most useless things in the world. This bard complains constantly and is most vulgar, except when he is around rich people, when his words of wrath turn into sweet nothings. Did I mention that the Bard is a dragon?

Well, this dragon has fallen on hard times. After a bad duel with a knight, he had one of his eyes poked out. It is getting better, but in the meantime his treasure is being stolen by every thief in the land, which has prompted him to go into the bard industry, singing songs of dragon lore. The dragon travels with a gryphon, who acts as a moderator between the dragon and Araro (No, don't flame him, he isn't worth it, but this sheep is!).

The gryphon is great friends with the dragon and is very concerned over the dragon, who is getting older and already had vision problems before his eye got poked.

As it turns out, that dragon that was cussing out everything and flaming everyone discovered that Araro was a very talented person. So, when the dragon leaves, he kidnaps Araro, without telling anyone.

The gryphon eventually hears the screaming, but by then they are at 10,000 feet, and 100 miles away. The gryphon and the dragon talk about this, finally deciding that the next day they would return Araro back to his kin.

When they turn to tell Araro this, they find out he has run away.

While they were talking (in a language that Araro didn't understand) Araro went into the woods. He eventually meets up with a group of rough men. These men say they are religious pilgrims, but they really are smugglers. They offer to take him to the city, but in reality they are planning on taking him to a different city, where they will sell him into slavery for a couple bucks.

The dragon and the gryphon go out searching for Araro, figuring that he has started back for the city, when in reality he is heading in the completely opposite direction.

From here, it is up to you. I'd have them run around a whole lot, ending in a confusing climatic ending that works out in the end.

Yes, I knew all along he couldn't stay there. I mean, he's perfectly happy! Everything is going great!

Therefore, something very bad must happen.

Thank you all for the comments. I think I'm going to go work on a plot outline, and then be back.

Yrael, that'd be great.

EDIT: Oh, look at all the free time!

Tentative Plot Outline Whipped Up In An Hour

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Araro is kidnapped by slavers, and the beginning of a long journey begins. During some sort of catastrophe (Natural? Raid of some sort?) he manages to escape. But Araro, though intelligent and smart, is a city boy and does not do well in the wild trying to find his way back home. After several disasterous happenings, he meets a man, a bard, and finds that he wandered into 'unexplored territory.' (world building.) (Here there be dragons!)

The bard is a good companion, and at least helps Araro survive, but seems to have a secret. He is working with a group of dragons, who have a PLAN (and a problem), and he doesn't know if the boy should know. So, while being perfectly nice and having the best of intentions, he doesn't lead Araro back, but further into the wilderness.

Araro meets the dragons. Has the fright of his life. Dragon architecture?

Dragon's plan. Something of theirs was stolen, and they know where it is but cannot retrieve it. They want Araro to go get it for them. Bard cannot go because .... He would go with them so far, but not near the city. And in return for this they will take him home, make him fabulously rich, etc... But if he doesn't, he's not going anywhere. And so they have him in a corner.

He decides to go. (He has no real choice.) They give him a picture in his head of what it is, (dragon magic) and where it is, and a map of some sort. They also give him a companion. A little dragon-like creature (different species of dragon) who can shape change. (Thus making it easy for him to travel with Araro) When he asks why this little dragon can't go get it himself, he cheerfully replies 'Because they don't trust me. I don't trust myself!'

The dragons outfit them and send them off. They also set a meeting place to meet Bard again, because due to the nature of the dragon city he would not be able to find his way back. The dragons see him off.

He realizes what in the world he's doing and has a brief period of panicking. Little dragon-creature doesn't help, prefers snickering and laughing.

Journey, not much happens, in this city. Encounters some sort of conspiracy, and it hinges upon a keyword they have unconciously been using. (Something about the artifact of the dragons) They are all 'kidnapped' for questioning.

...

Bard - Some mysterious past here. Has a mandolin with a broken string and a flute that doesn't make a sound. Nice, cheerful, and very good at evading answers.

Dragon Leader - Never lets anyone know what's going on. Impatient.

Dragon City - Pillars and canopies and lots of stone. Fountains. Enormous.

Little 'Dragon' - Very annoying and smart-alecky.

I think that little dragon should be named something funny, like Snarkindron.

I think someone would claim copyright to that idea Griff. I'll be back to critic this soon, just after i've finished my English homework...

OK, English homework done

Nothing wrong with the idea or the story as far as i can tell, flows really well, but something needs to happen, as Griffin said or it will get boring. I like it in all.