Young Writers Society

The night was cold and foggy. The four leaders of The Believers walked on the unclear path of a thick forest. Some called this the Forest of Hell. Rumors had spread all about it. It was said to be the forest that had the seal to hell. All of these rumors were true.

The four leaders stopped at a clearing. To mortal eyes, this was just a normal clearing. But, in fact, it was a portal to hell. The only portal to hell. Anyone who stepped into the clearing was transported to god knows where.

There was a crunching sound of a twig breaking. The four leaders swiftly turned around, all with their weapons raised defensively.

"What are you doing here?" Drake Jard spoke harshly from under his hood. The three other leaders of The System stood behind him.

"The question is, what are YOU doing 'ere?" Boris Bulundger spoke.

"We are here to break that retched seal you put to hell." Diana Donsen answered.

"We're here for that, too." Tom Galenar snarled.

"Well, I guess there is no point arguing," Drake grinned mischievously. He quickly picked up a large stone from the ground and heaved it at Tom. It struck him right in the chest. He fell backwards and fell onto the clearing, except, he did not touch ground. He was swallowed into the ground. Everyone froze. A minute passed. Then, the most terrifying, blood-curdling scream was sounded. It was followed by more screams of agony. The seven people stood still, listening to the sick sounds. Drake's grin was wiped off his face. The screaming continued and revolting sounds began to echo around the forest. These sound seemed as if something was pouring. But it sounded sick. As if it was a heavy liquid. A liquid like blood. More sounds ensued until, finally, the screaming stopped.

The seven mortals stood quiet. Sickened expressions were on all of their faces. The first to react was Boris Bulundger, who took out his sword and tried to plunge it into Drake Jard's heart unsuccessfully. Drake Jard swiftly dodged the attack and pulled a dagger out, flinging it at Dora Jenkins. She ducked but the dagger cut her left shoulder. She bit her lips and put her arm on the cut. She took out the Axe that hung on her back and swung it at Drake. It hit him harshly on the arm to make a deep cut. He backed away from the fighting teams to check out his injury.

Diana Donsen crept beside Drake and started shooting arrows from her small bow. the first arrow connected with Susan Lance's chest. She fell to the ground, looking at the arrow that sunk deep. Her head rested on the ground and she left the world.

Boris Bulundger howled into the night and fought with more power. He slashed his sword at Diego Drake who hit every slash with his sharpened Axe.

Damien Samuel took out a long sword and slashed it at the bleeding Dora. It hit her right in the stomach. She toppled backwards and fell into the portal. Again, screams and sickening sounds came out from the portal. Everybody froze. Suddenly, Boris Bulundger ran into the woods. He was the only survivor of The Believers. Diana raised her bow and fired an arrow. It was a sure hit, but it crashed in thin air.

What Diana and the rest of The System did not see, was that the arrow had crashed into someone. The person was fully hooded, but his face was clear in the moonlight that passed the forest's trees. This person had no skin. He was just a skeleton. He had no organs inside him. This person, in fact, was immortal. This was a Guardian of Death. Many of them lingered around the clearing. One of them picked up the body of Susan Lance and threw it into the portal.

To the four leaders, the body seemed to hover into the air and pulled by an invisible force into the portal. The weird noises returned, but there were no screams. They all were scared and silent.

"Well, we can't waste any more time. We have dangerous rituals to do." Drake broke the silence. He started placing plates with weird symbols on them. Finally, he backed away. The four took their places around the clearing: North, South, East, West.

They all started to mutter incantations. This must have upset the Guardians, for they started moving their hands until a strong wind shook the trees dangerously. The four still muttered. Diana took out a large plate and threw it into the portal. Instead of going into the portal, it rose up. Suddenly, a bright, agonizing light appeared from the plate. The plate broke and there was a force that knocked all four people onto the ground.

The Guardians were now really upset. They checked on the four unconscious leaders and then walked into the still open portal.

This has the potential to become very interesting. Right now though, it is overwhelmed with poor gramatical choices.

The first sentence "The night was cold and foggy" Is terribly cliche, and right away when I read that, I know not to believe anything that comes after it. "The fog envelloped the cold of the night" or "The fog gave texture to the already heavy cold about the air." say the same thing as what you said, but draws us in, instead of pushing us away.

"The four leaders of the Believers" is rhymy, and again, leads to disbelief. A different name for these people would better suit the situation. They are believers, what do they believe in? Their title should tell us something about that. We get different ideas when we hear things like "High Priests" or "Chancelors" or "High Council members" but just being the leaders, we don't know who they are, what they believe in, or what they do.

"We're here for that too." is used. It works, we get the point, but it doesn't do much for character. "We also have come for this." or "This matter is ours." or "Our task here is the same." all tell us something different about who is talking.

The setnence structure of this is really short and choppy. He did this. Then he did that. Then this happened. This was like this, and this was like that. He said this, she said that. It gets the point across, and we can understand motive all the way through. But it doesn't grab our attention. The story is interesting, but the choice with which it is brought to us is not.

"He quickly picked up a large stone from the ground and heaved it at Tom. It struck him right in the chest. He fell backwards and fell onto the clearing, except, he did not touch ground. He was swallowed into the ground. Everyone froze."
Again, this gets the point across, we know what he's doing, and we can conjecture as to why he's doing it; but it just doesn't grab us.
"With the speed of a fox, Drake grabbed a large stone and lobbed it at Tom with great force, striking Tom in the chest. Tom fell to his back. To the eyes of everyone watching he simply dissapeared into the deep abyss under the ground. He'd been swallowed by Hell and Hell would not give him back. There was a deep, penitrating silence. Not a soul moved, not a wolf howled, not even a fly buzzed."
That makes me want to read more!

You're very good at getting the reader to understand you. And you have an excellent piece to work from here. I think with some work and a little effort this could be a very good piece.

Thanks for pointing out my mistakes. Although I don't agree with some things. I didn't mean for "The four leaders of The Believers" to be rhymy, but it's just a name. The Believers is just a name. There isn't much about religion except that they believe in god and do not resort to violence when battling with demons. So they just call themselves leaders.

Also, when you say that "not a wolf howled, not even a fly buzzed", it made me want to go to sleep or something. I don't mean to be rude or anything. That just sounds too descriptive. I know that I haven't written a lot of good grammar on this, but I intend this book to be easy to read, you see, I am making a real novel about this and I hope it gets published. I'm using much better grammer there, but less than what you wrote. In my country, if you ever say that, someone in it will fall asleep:P. Well, anyways, I don't like writing on the internet and Im to lazy to do it on word, so, I'll work on it.

Back on the thought of description:

This description was quite improved. You did allow a visual of everything that took place, but I still think you could kick it up a notch or two. It would be difficult to discuss it over a thread because there would only be my suggestions and no conversation. So once again, P.M. me please, I wish to help you.