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"Chasing the Moon" Prologue + Ch. 1



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Gender: Female
Points: 300
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Mon Sep 26, 2005 11:42 pm
Twilight says...



A/N: Ehe. This is the first story I'm putting on here. please feel free to give comments and Chu enjoy.


Chasing the Moon

Prologue___________

The faint sound of footsteps echoed through the trees. Despite the mist that blanketed the forest path a lone figure ran on. The moonglow shone on her wings, paler then the whitest rose, her eyes like mercury stunning even in their lucid fear. Hearing the resonating voice behind her, she quickened her pace failing to head the warning her raged breath was giving. Hoping to lose her tracker in the depths of the wood, she erased the image of her wings feeling the instant strain on her strength.
The lights ahead gave a glimmer of hope. The sleeping bundle in her arms stirred and she sang to it in a wavering voice.
Chasing the moon
Riding the clouds
Pathways of gems
Encircled by shroud

Betrayed of thy heart
Challenged by flight
Chasing thy dream
Straining thy mind

Her vision began to blur just as she reached the house. Using the last of her strength she phased into the living room and placed the precious cargo on a simple makeshift bed. Finding the resident couple she played into their dreams her request to care for the child and faded into darkness.







Chapter One



Waking with a start, the young thing quickly realized she had been splashed with cold water and roughly awakened from her dream. She looked around sleepily searching for the cause, and received the answer when she heard a rough voice call out to her.

“Get up! If you don’t make yourself useful you’ll be sleeping with the wolves!”

The young girl bore the name Mirage and had lived with wake up calls like this since she was small. The mistress of the household, Lady Willow, may strike some as cold and unrelenting, and in some ways she was. However, she also held a soft spot in her heart for children such as Mirage, being as she was once an orphan herself. No one knew for sure why Lady Willow and her husband, who had sworn never to house children, took in the baby girl but they had.
On mornings such as this the Lady often threatened to throw her out but thus far had not followed through on it. Mirage, knowing better then to test Willow’s patience, got up quickly and dressed in a simple tunic and slacks. She turned when she heard a sigh from behind her, “Honestly girl, how do you expect to win over a husband dressed like a stable boy?” Mirage laughed slightly and looked over at her guardian. As usual she dressed in an elaborate, jewel encrusted gown fitting of the rank she held, the girl thought of going through her chores and play dressed as such and snickered, “Milady, with all do respect, I would look quite silly going about the town dressing as you do. Not only that, but in times like these only Lady’s like you can afford a beautiful gown.” The woman snorted and walked off not before giving her chores for the day.
As she watched the older woman leave she compared her self to her. How plain she looked shadowed in the Lady’s beauty. She held none of the countess like glory that her guardian and mentor did. The rich, oaken tress had yet to lose their fullness to age, and her bright blue eyes were such an off set to them it only succeeded to make her even more beautiful and unique. Mirage fiddled with strands of her own auburn hair, though rich in color and lower back length hardly compared. Her eyes were only a simple green and barely paid attention to as they often held a blank clouded stare since she spent a great deal of time daydreaming. She sighed and pushed the thought aside continuing with her business.

_____________________

Walking off towards the shops by herself, humming merrily, and swinging the basket she had been given rather roughly, Mirage ran when she caught sight of her destination. She truly enjoyed running errands in the town, and knew most of the shop keepers well.
When she realized someone stood in the doorway of the bakery she tried to stop but not before ramming face first into the chest of the baker. She rubbed her nose and muttered in apology, which was greeted with a hearty laugh.

“In a hurry, Mirage? Where’s the fire?”

“Sorry ‘bout that. Just got excited I guess.”

“Well no harm done. Come in, come in!”
Mirage obliged willingly, and stepping inside breathed in the scent of freshly backed bread and pastries. She had barely enough time to exhale when she was pulled into a rib breaking embrace. Pushing away to see who it was strangling her, she instantly jumped back to hug him again. “Aiken! You surprised me you big idiot!” She let go of him and playfully punched his shoulder. He ran his hand through his dark hair and laughed, “Sorry ‘bout that.” Aiken had been Mirage’s friend and companion since they were small, and he hadn’t changed a bit. He was still as warm and welcoming to anyone who crossed his path as ever, but underneath the kind and gentle exterior was a stubborn streak a mile wide and he never passed up they chance to try something dangerous.

“Here you are Mirage.” The baker came up to her and passed her bread and rolls for home. “Thanks! It always smells so great in here it’s my favorite chore!” she proclaimed. The baker chuckled again and shooed her off after she paid him.

___________________________________

Mirage laid back on the hill and gazed dreamily at the clouds. With Aiken’s help her chores were finished in little time and they decided to relax a bit before they caused any trouble. He leaned over her and smiled, “Daydreaming again?” She sighed, “More like wishing really. It’s really great up here.” Aiken turned to look down at the town.

“Yeah, almost seems peaceful and content from here.”

“And dull.”

“You think so? I guess without us down there to stir things up it is.”

“No, even then. We’re so away from everything here. We never have any creatures come here and any type of traveler is rare. I hear people tell tales of dragons and fairies, specters and nymphs. But, they’re just tales here no ones actually seen anything. I want…”

“What?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Nuh-uh, tell what you wish for Mirage, I’ll do everything I can to make it come true.”

She looked up at the clouds again.

“I…I want to fly. I want to dance on the wind, race the clouds, and chase the moon across the sky. I want to watch the day end on the moors of far off lands, to see the wondrous sight this plane has to offer, not to waste my life here running errands for Lady Willow. I want to meet the fairies and nymphs I’ve heard about, and maybe fight a dragon or outsmart a specter. That’s what I wish for.”
She looked over at Aiken who held an unreadable serene smile. It took a minute but he finally spoke, “Hey meet me back here tomorrow afternoon, it’s your birthday right? I’ve got a surprise for you.” With that he stood and left Mirage staring after him.
_________________________

Back in her bed she thought about what it would be like to live the life she daydreamed about. Settling to sleep she again dreamed of the beautiful figure helplessly trying to escape whatever fate getting caught held for her.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 9690
Reviews: 91
Wed Sep 28, 2005 11:55 am
Nox says...



Here’s my review:

I liked the prologue, it was nice and short.

The faint sound of footsteps echoed through the trees. I don’t think ‘trees’ is the right word; maybe you could use something else.
Waking with a start, the young thing quickly ‘thing’ is not appropriate, just use girl instead.
wake up calls like this since she was small please replace ‘small’ with young or very young. Suggestion: wake up calls like this since she was very young.
The woman snorted and walked off but not before giving her chores for the day.
As she watched the older woman leave she compared her self to her. You need to say who walked off and who compared herself. Suggestion: As Lady Willow walked off Mirage compared herself to the Lady.

Aiken had been Mirage’s friend and companion since they were small again please replace ‘small’ with young or very young. Suggestion: Aiken had been Mirage’s friend and companion since they were young.
he never passed up they chance ‘any’ should replace ‘they’. he never passed up any chance.
it’s my favorite chore chore or store? Does Mirage like the bakers shop or does she love going to the bakers shop?

After Aiken asks “Daydreaming again?” you need to start a new line when Mirage replies.

Apart from a few errors this story is great! I’ll be reading part two next.
In all the time we have
There is never enough time
To show what is in our heart.
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 14
Sat Oct 01, 2005 10:04 pm
Yrael says...



Alright, I think I shall only critique the Prologue, at least for now:

The faint sound of footsteps echoed through the trees.


Okay... this is an odd sentence.. You really might want to review the fact that if the character's footsteps were faint, they would not echo through the trees. Try a different description:
"The faint sounds of footsteps slightly squeaked as she ran faster", or something of that sort.

Despite the mist that blanketed the forest path a lone figure ran on.


I enjoy of the detail of mist within the forest, but what I do not get is the placement of despite. You are suggesting that the sole fact that there is mist is a reason the main character should not run on, but still continues otherwise. This just does not happen to make sense to me, unless of course you add an explanation.

The moonglow shone on her wings, paler then the whitest rose, her eyes like mercury stunning even in their lucid fear.


I believe most roses are red. Now I am sure there are exceptions as to the type of rose. However, when you say rose most people think of the romantic crimson rose. For a better picture I suggest that you use a different analogy to convey a better visualization to whom is reading your story. One more thing, it is not her eyes that feel the fear, but the woman herself. So state that it was her fear, not her eyes. Also remember, moonglow is not a word, I would use a different word or phrase. At the least, moonlight.

Hearing the resonating voice behind her, she quickened her pace failing to head the warning her raged breath was giving. Hoping to lose her tracker in the depths of the wood, she erased the image of her wings feeling the instant strain on her strength.


Maybe explain what the voice said or the threat it gave to the woman. Also, the part of erasing the image of her wings may not be something all readers understand. In fact, I did not understand it too well, so I would explain what you actually meant, which I believe is her trying to imagine her wings weren't there to hold her back.
Another question one might ask, is why the character does not use their own wings to escape this menacing beast.

Chasing the moon (Line A)
Riding the clouds (Line B)
Pathways of gems (Line C)
Encircled by shroud (Line D)

Betrayed of thy heart (Line E)
Challenged by flight (Line F)
Chasing thy dream (Line G)
Straining thy mind (Line H)


The only problem I see here is that you fail to continue the rhyming pattern. Line F and H do not rhyme like line's B and D.

Her vision began to blur just as she reached the house.

Explain why her vision began to blur. It seems as if it is a detail without point because it has nothing to back it up. Give it a reason and it will be much more effective.

Using the last of her strength she phased into the living room and placed the precious cargo on a simple makeshift bed. Finding the resident couple she played into their dreams her request to care for the child and faded into darkness.


This is very well written, this part only needs a little more description as much as I can see. Maybe a clip from the dream?

Anyways, I enjoyed reading this and it kept me on my toes. It lacked a little description and went a tad to quickly, but by just making stronger visuals with your description I'm sure it would be a much more suitable length. Also, don't forget that sight is not the only feeling you can convey through your writing. Explain the taste, the smell, the touch, how is sounds, and many things such as that.

Besides those little mistakes this was a very good prologue, I was engaged the entire time. If you need a little extra help with what I said just P.M. me, anytime. I can really show you how to spice up the description. Well thanks for posting, hope I wasn't too harsh!

~Yrael
"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already
tomorrow in Australia.
" ~ Charles Schultz
  








You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
— Isaac Bashevis Singer