Young Writers Society

I finally finished up chapter 1 and yes I know it's short...

CHAPTER ONE

“Kitten,” A voice whispered in her ear like a soft breeze on a warm summer’s day.

The woman awoke with a start. Scared, she searched her room for any signs of life. When she found nothing, she sat up in her bed. The little light that barely filled the room was coming from her window which was covered with layer upon layer of satiny material.

Breathing a sigh of relief she sat in dimness for a few more minutes before getting up. She straightened her nightgown, opened her door slightly, and peered out. The hallway was deserted except for the slow tick of a clock, cleverly made to look like a painting. As the lady walked down the hall she passed a mirror casting her ghostly reflection. She stopped, flattened her messy hair and continued down the hall.

“Madame, what are you doing up so early?” someone questioned her as she walked into the kitchen.

It took her a second to realize who was talking to her.

“Good morning, Kaylee,” she said ignoring the question.

“Bonjour, Mademoiselle Roselin," Kaylee replied backing out of a cabniet full of cleaning supplies.

Roselin groggily sat down in a chair, it was too early for Kaylee's random French. She rested her hand onto her arms on the table near her. The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and awoke her nose. Slowly, she brought her head up.

"Madame, would you like me to make you some breakfast?"

Roselin rubbed her temples, "Yes that would be fine, Kaylee."

“Has he been keeping you up, Madame?”

Roselin merely nodded her head, too tired to speak. For the last few days she had not been able to sleep for she was being haunted by the memories of someone lost.

“Miss, if I’m not being too forward, this has been going on and off for a year now.”

Roselin sat up, “Well I don’t really have a way to get rid of this-this-this thing.”

“I think I might have a way,” Kaylee replied.

This is good. Short, yes. But, there is nothing wrong with working in small pieces. I just have a few comments about structure because there is not yet much in the way of content to go on. Firstly, the same thing I commented on in the prologue.. just change up your sentence structure periodically.

"The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and woke her nose up. Slowly, she brought her head back up."
Just the use of the word up twice in close proximity.

"Roselin merely nodded her head, too tired to speak. For the last few days she had not been able to sleep for she was being plagued by a spirit."

Show, don't tell. Easy to say, hard to live by. But, just try to describe this plagueing by the spirit instead of just putting the information out.

Other than that... I'm left curious. There has not been any connection made to the prologue so I wonder how that will come together with this part. Looking forward to it.

Very good. You've roused my curiosity.

Darkmoon158 wrote:“Kitten.” A voice whispered in her ear like a soft breeze on a warm summer’s day..

you wrote:The hallway was deserted except for the slow tick of a clock- cleverly made to look like a painting..

I don't think you need the hyphen/dash. I'm no expert in grammar, but it looks unnecessary.

you wrote:As the lady walked down the hall she passed a mirror casting her ghostly reflection.

I had to look up "casting" because I haven't read it in this contex very often. I found that casting means "warping" or "distorting" among other things. Good word.

you wrote:Roselin picked up her head sitting up, “Well I don’t really have a way to get rid of this-this-this thing.”

this-this-this sounds like she's stuttering. Is she? If not, maybe you should break up her dialogue... "Roselin picked up her head(,) sitting up, "Well I don't really have a way to get rid of this-this..." She paused, trying to name it (or whatever). "...this thing." I don't know if this is how you intended it...

I'm excited about reading more of this, and learning more about her character.
~Jacquie~

It's good but the sentence structure seems abrupt in places. It doesn't really have a flow. Also I would throw in some details. Like, does the maid have a French accent or is she just radomly speaking Frenchf? I know that sounds like a stupid question but some people do speak random French. As a matter of fact, I do.
" For the last few days she had not been able to sleep for she was being plagued by a spirit. " This sentence has a old world feel to it. A few of your others do but it seems that you keep going between the old world feel and the new world feel. This makes your story choppy.

Basically what I think is that you should go back and rework your sentence structure.

The woman awoke with a start. Startled, she searched her room for any signs of life.

This line just didn't seem to flow very well. I think in the second sentence you should have used a different word then "startled".

The intoxicating aroma of cherry wood filled and woke her nose up.

This sentence doesn't flow very well easy. You could write "the intoxicating aroma of cherry wood awoke and filled her nose" or something like that. That doesn't sound so great either, though.

I liked the cliffhanger at the end. That was really good. I think you might want to make the chapter just a little bit longer as well.