Young Writers Society

A/N: Sorry about the short sections, but I find that reviews are better if I post them like this. Enjoy this next installment.


The horse reared up on it's hind legs, almost throwing its rider off. In its immediate path, a narrow river playfully teased it, daring it to pass. Mintrow ignored his stallion's protests, and nudged him past the edge of the bank into the cool water. The stallion was a pure white. He threw his head disgustedly, as a single ripple flowed through the clear blue river towards the opposite bank. The water was shallow, with several green weeds visible beneath its surface.

“Your horse is a little strange,” a voice from behind him said. “It's willing to fly in the front ranks of any battle, but when it comes to getting wet, your horse would rather take a bullet.” Startled, Mintrow looked around.
“Nareen,” he greeted her. “You had me worried for a second there.”
“Why don't we switch horses while we cross the river,” she said. “Nervous horses always prefer the feminine touch.”
“I doubt it's the feminine touch when it comes to Krial,” said Mintrow. “You're the only female he allows within his ten foot radius without going ballistic.” Despite this fact, Mintrow dismounted his horse with a single leap, holding out the worn reigns to Nareen. “So, what brings you to this part of the world? You very rarely venture past the confines of Hyvria.”
“Damn you, Mintrow. You've always been one of those to get straight to the point. I'd hoped you'd at least wait until after lunch before you asked that question.” Nareen's look suggested she carried bad tidings. She always tried to lighten the burden of a load. Especially if it was serious. She paused as she mounted Krial. Mintrow didn't have the patience for these attempts at preparing him for the worst.

“Nareen, just tell me,” he said.
“Okay, Mintrow,” she said. Her face carried a more serious look now. “Look, I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you, but it's gone. Someone stole the key.”
“Oh.” Mintrow's voice dropped dangerously low. “I wonder who it was,” he said menacingly.
“Look, Mintrow, calm down,” said Nareen. “Besides, you don't really know that it was him. You're just going on a hunch. Before you do anything, you need concrete proof.”
“Nareen, both you and I know that he stole it,” said Mintrow, “Okay, maybe he didn't steal it. But it was either him or one of his cronies. Have you at least sent someone to notify Joriah? He might be our only ally in the black market. He might be able to intercept it if Galdiff hasn't gotten his hands on it already.”
“We sent a courier to him at the same time as I was sent to bring the news to you.”

“Maybe you should have waited until after lunch,” said Mintrow dryly. “Now that you've told me the news, I doubt you'll be getting any.”
“I expected nothing less,” said Nareen. She brought Krial over to her own brown horse, and tugged at the saddle bag beneath Mintrow. She produced two packets of dried meat, and handed one of them to Mintrow, “We'll need to leave now, if we are to reach the South dock before dusk.”
“Thanks for packing the necessary provisions. It does save us a little time, but if you plan on returning to Hyvria, you'll have to go alone. I need to get to Kavaria as fast as possible. Joriah will have to wait. I need to be somewhere a little more important.”
“Who's on Kavaria?” Nareen asked.
“Let's just say, it's going to be Galdiff's first port as soon as he gets his hand on the key, if he isn't there already.”

I haven't read the first part of your story, but I can tell just from this, that it will be good. I catches the reader and leaves a sense of mystery.

“It's willing to fly in the front ranks of any battle, but when it comes to getting wet, your horse would rather take a bullet.”

I would change "fly" to fight. When I read that sentence it took me a while to figure out that it wasn't actually a flying horse.

“Okay, Mintrow,” she said.

I would change this sentence to... "Yes, Mintrow?" She answered. You don't have to do it exactly the same but I thought it would make better sense if you changed it to an interrogative.

You're just going on a hunch.

I would change hunch to whim (just my opinion).

He might be our only ally in the black market.

I would change "might" to may.

This is really good writing and has the potential for a great story. Keep going!

-Smilykid

“Your horse is a little strange,” a voice from behind him said. “It's willing to fly in the front ranks of any battle, but when it comes to getting wet, your horse would rather take a bullet.” Startled, Mintrow looked around.

I get the feeling that bullet is not the proper word here. What time period is this set in? I mean if it is the future, why are people traveling by horse and by boat? If it is in the past then I'm not sure bullets would've been invented yet. Idk, this is something you will have to decide. Also looked around sounds awkward. Perhaps you could reword it to say something like, Mintrow glanced over his shoulder or turned in his saddle. Something like that.

“I doubt it's the feminine touch when it comes to Krial,” said Mintrow. “You're the only female he allows within his ten foot radius without going ballistic.” Despite this fact, Mintrow dismounted his horse with a single leap, holding out the worn reigns to Nareen. “So, what brings you to this part of the world? You very rarely venture past the confines of Hyvria.”

Obviously these two have a past together, but what is it? How do these two characters know each other? Were they lovers? Just friends? Battle mates? Are they related? Without giving us a total info dump, I'd like for you to work in something about Mintrow's and Nareen's past.

Nareen's look suggested she carried bad tidings. She always tried to lighten the burden of a load. Especially if it was serious. She paused as she mounted Krial. Mintrow didn't have the patience for these attempts at preparing him for the worst.

This part was especially hard for me to read. It felt very choppy. I think you could reword this bit to say something like this:

Nareen tried to hide the look of concern on her pretty face as she mounted Krial. She never did like being the messenger of bad news. Mintrow didn't have the patience to wait.

Or something like that...Idk.

“Look, Mintrow, calm down,” said Nareen. “Besides, you don't really know that it was him. You're just going on a hunch. Before you do anything, you need concrete proof.”

“Nareen, both you and I know that he stole it,” said Mintrow, “Okay, maybe he didn't steal it. But it was either him or one of his cronies. Have you at least sent someone to notify Joriah? He might be our only ally in the black market. He might be able to intercept it if Galdiff hasn't gotten his hands on it already.”

Who is he that Mintrow thinks stole the key? Why does he think this person stole the key? Does the accused and Mintrow have some bad history? Is Galdiff the one Mintrow is accusing to be the theif? If so, I'd like for his name to come up in Nareen's response. Like this:

"Look, Mintrow, calm down," Nareen said. "Besides, you don't really know it was Galdiff. You're just going on a hunch. Before you do anything, you need concrete proof."

“Maybe you should have waited until after lunch,” said Mintrow dryly. “Now that you've told me the news, I doubt you'll be getting any.”

Watch your redundancies, this is the second time you have used news in the last three sentences.

“Who's on Kavaria?” Nareen asked.

Why does she ask who is on Kavaria? Mintrow reveals nothing in his previous statement to make her think he is meeting someone in Kavaria. Why don't you have her say: "What do you have to do there?" or something like that. Plus I don't like the whole on Kavaria, it makes it sound like a seperate planet or a boat or something.

Characters: Mintrow and Nareen definitely sound interesting, although we really don't know much about them. Mintrow is impatient and stubborn, Nareen sounds confident, feminine yet still a little masculine. Other than that, that is it. I don't know what either one of them look like. We don't know what they are wearing. We don't know how the two relate to each other. There is no real in depth look at what either one of them think of the other person. Their conversation seems friendly enough and Nareen seems to know Mintrow's behaviors quite well, but we don't know why. I definitely would like to see more out of these two, since they seem to be major players here.

Setting: The only real clear setting is the little stream that the horse balks at in the very beginning. Is the stream cutting through a wooded area? Is it a mountainous stream? Or does this brook meander aimlessly through a plain of tall grass and wild flowers? I'd like to know this and I'd also like to know what the weather is like. Is it warm and sunny? Is it a bitter cold with wind that nips at your face? Is it raining? Snowing? What is the climate like? Humid or dry? And what about the vegetation...I mean you are right by a creek, is there moss clinging to boulders? A couple of trees, perhaps a birch that has fallen across the stream? Or is the foilage sparse and kind of like rough bushes growing low to the ground. You can fit little details in amongst the dialouge and not make it seem like an overload of information.

Overall: I think this is great. I am really excited about Joriah being included in this chapter, although I thought the previous chapter he had been killed. Perhaps you are jumping between the past and the future? I like it. I am very interested to see where this is going. And I like the short segments, it makes it a lot easier to critique. Watch your redundancies and don't forget to develop each of your characters to the point that they feel like real people to you. If you, as the author, feel like your characters are actual people then that will be conveyed in your writing and your audience will believe they could bump into these characters on the street. I can't wait to read more!!

Wow, clever-boy, this was really good! It was really easy to get through and also very enjoyable.

I'm kind of wondering who this Mintrow character is. He sort of just popped out of the blue, considering the part to this chapter. Who is he? And who is Nareen? I'm assuming that they are allies of Joriah (well, duh, it says in the story, stupid me). They obviously don't know he's dead. Wondering what will happen next.

I agree with Moriah Leila, I'd like to know what Nareen and Mintrow's relationship is. I'm also wondering what time period this is set in. In the last chapter, I pictured everything happening in modern times, but this chapter gives me a sort of mideival feel. I have trouble with the time setting in my story, too, so I know it must be pretty difficult for you.

I really did like this a lot, even though this review may not be very punctual. If there's ever more, I'd like to read it. PM me when you put the next one up and I'll try to leave something a little longer. Ciao, keep dreamin'

Worx.

Hey =]

I'm back!

So, I enjoyed reading this part too and I'm definitely interested in staying with this story. I want to know what part the key will play in the story

So, Moriah Leila and Smilykid got most of the nit-piks so I'm not going to try and hunt out anymore.

What I will say though is that you tend to use 'said' a lot and sometimes it makes the dialogue seem as if it's said with no particaular expression. I find that using 'said' a lot is okay if the dialogue is followed by how the character is feeling or an action. You don't really let the characters show emotion or tell us what they look like, so it's hard to picture them and how they are reacting to what is being said.

Other than my little point, I couldn't find anything else wrong with it.

I'll definitely be reading the next part!

Can you please PM me when you post it?

xDudettex

Sorry it took me a while to get to this.

You very rarely venture past the confines of Hyvria.”

This isn’t realistic in terms of dialogue. It’s the kind of statement that reader knows is for their benefit alone, not to move the story along. Try something like this maybe: “So what brings a recluse like you to the far reaches of the world?” That’s subtle, and gives us the same information, essentially. If you need to add the name, you could also say, “What will Hyvria do without you?” or something like that. Go for subtle.

“Damn you, Mintrow. You've always been one of those to get straight to the point.

This is too violent a reaction for such an innocent, normal question. Try more frustration, less outright anger. He didn’t seem to have any hidden motives behind the question; if he really thought there was something to her being there, you should write that in. If not, I’d cut out those first two sentences I quoted here, but you can leave the bit about waiting ‘til after lunch. I might change the phrasing into a question, though.

She always tried to lighten the burden of a load. Especially if it was serious.

Tried to light the load for someone else, yes? The sentence as is could be taken to mean she tries to lighten the load for herself.
Secondly, the second sentence: a burden is serious, isn’t it? So that line is unnecessary.

Mintrow didn't have the patience for these attempts at preparing him for the worst. “Nareen, just tell me,” he said.

You want to show us his impatience in his words, rather than telling us “Mintrow didn’t have the patience” etc. If you cut that sentence out and leave just his words, it’s blunt enough to give us the same impression. If you took out her name, it would work even better.

“Oh.” Mintrow's voice dropped dangerously low. “I wonder who it was,” he said menacingly.

I think you can take out “menacingly.” Otherwise, I like these lines.

“Look, Mintrow, calm down,” said Nareen. “Besides, you don't really know that it was him. You're just going on a hunch. Before you do anything, you need concrete proof.”

I’d take out “You’re just going on a hunch.” Firstly, because hunch implies a simple guess; this seems more like suspicion, based partially on dislike I’m guessing. Also, because the last sentence here “you need concrete proof” is adequate.

“Thanks for packing the necessary provisions. It does save us a little time...

Too wordy. Maybe, “Thanks, that’ll save me time.”

The rest of this was pretty good. Just make sure you’re still watching out for wordiness, and giving your sentences some variety. I liked this better than the first part. It’s getting more interested. But remember, we need to be hooked: we need a reason to care. Don’t leave us TOO much in the dark, or we’ll lose interest.

I am back!

The stallion was a pure white.

Why would we need to know this? Do white horses mean something in this world?

He threw his head disgustedly, as a single ripple flowed through the clear blue river towards the opposite bank.

Do you mean "as" or "and"? I think "and" sounds better, since I see the horse tossing his head creating the ripple.

“You're the only female he allows within his ten foot radius without going ballistic.”

What do you mean by "his ten foot radius"? Is he a specially trained horse? Are all horses like that?

If this is just something that makes Krial weird, I'd put "a ten foot radius" instead. ^_^

Despite this fact, Mintrow dismounted his horse with a single leap,

Nareen is fine around Krial, correct? Since you've just stated that, you don't need to "despite this fact" at the beginning of this sentence.

She paused as she mounted Krial.

I consider this redundant, since the long tag before this sentence indicated a pause. ^_^

“Nareen, just tell me,” he said.

You don't need to tag this, since he says Nareen's name in the dialogue.

“Okay, Mintrow,” she said. Her face carried a more serious look now. “Look, I didn't want to be the one to have to tell you, but it's gone. Someone stole the key.”

I think you could delete everything before "her face carried a more serious look now" since "look" has the same effect as "okay Mintrow." Also, it removes a "said," which I am always fond of doing.

“I wonder who it was,” he said menacingly.

I would switch the dialogue and the tag here, and turn the "said tag" into an "action tag." Since right now you have to re-read the dialogue to get the tone right.

“Nareen, both you and I know that he stole it,”

I would put the mane of the thief here, since when you give his name later, we wonder if Galdiff was the person they were talking about. ^_^

said Mintrow dryly

Personal pet peeve here: I dislike seeing "said" right after the dialogue. I would rewrite this as: Mintrow said dryly.

She brought Krial over to her own brown horse, and tugged at the saddle bag beneath Mintrow.

What do you mean "saddlebag beneath Mintrow"? Is he standing on it? <-- That's what I thought he was doing.

“Thanks for packing the necessary provisions. It does save us a little time, but if you plan on returning to Hyvria, you'll have to go alone. I need to get to Kavaria as fast as possible. Joriah will have to wait. I need to be somewhere a little more important.”

Personally, I find this dialogue to be too formal to be considered dialogue. It's also a bit info dump-y, which doesn't help.

“Let's just say, it's going to be Galdiff's first port as soon as he gets his hand on the key, if he isn't there already.”

With the "let's just say" at the beginning of this, I thought something more subtle and MC related was going to follow. Something along the lines of how the MC will show up at that port, not simply what will happen at that port.

~

Dialogue: It's very, very formal here. Too formal. When dialogue is too formal and tells the reader what's going to happen, it not only becomes prose but looses a good chunk of it's realism. People don't speak in complete sentences, nor do they speak in such an organized way.

Dialogue is really where all the character motives, worldview, actions and other character traits come into play. When you have a prose-like dialogue, or when you just info-dump what needs to happen, you're stripping your characters of the life they so deserve. Here is an article on dialogue.

Tags: I believe I told you my standing on "said" and other "said tags" before. That still stands here. I don't so much mind something like "she said" but for some reason I highly dislike "said she." It just feels so unnatural and drives attention to a normally invisible word, said.

Description: You give more here, which I credit you for, but some of the lines you give I don't see a point to. Like the mention of the horse and the river, to a point. Since I explained the horse in my nit-picks, I shall expand on the river more. Yes, you are supposed to draw the conclusion that the river is something that should be easily crossed by describing it that way, but at the moment the description just feels slapped in there for the sake of description. Tie it into the situation a bit so it doesn't feel so lost.

Characterization: I liked the little bit of characterization on your MC when he said "I wonder who took it?" menecingly. It makes him seem like a very passionet and thoughtful character. Nareen also seems to have some good bones when it comes to character-building.

However, I would like to see a few more dots for readers to connect. Since, from what you've told me and from what I see, you're trying to get readers to think about this story. That's good. I love stories that leave you something to think about and that have a puzzle to solve. But when you give puzzles all the time (the dialogue, the characters, the description and the theme) you risk pushing readers away because they have to think so hard. I can stand to see underdescribed settings, and in some cases dialogue and theme, but characters are what I like to see explained the most, if anything. Then the story feels more real, because we get a sense of what the character is going through.

Overall: Some good bones when it comes to a story here. Things seem well thought out and to the point. Just watch that you don't give too little information, so we're not completely in the dark.

Questions? PM me.

~Rosey