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The Willow- Chapter one



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Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:34 am
little.angelfire says...



This is something i just recently started. (same day as the post, but much earlier.) Well, have fun reading this and tell if you liked it or not.
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The Willow
Chapter 1

“When the summmmer is gone, then it gets cooooolllld. And the flowers will freeeeeze oover. And the treeeees get very grrruummpyy, and then-”
“Would you please not sing your little made-up songs.” asked the young willow tree.
Harumi smiled at the little tree and opened her mouth to sing again, that is until the young tree wiped her with one of her vines.
“Oh alright, I had just wanted to have a little fun. Anyway, it is true.” Harumi said. “See, you’re already grumpy and it’s only autumn.”
It was true. The young willow was grumpy, though, it hadn’t been for the reason Harumi had thought. It had been more that the kids that usually came by to eat their lunch under her long vines were not there. They usually stop eating there when the snow falls, and even then they’ll come out after school and play among her branches.
“Harumi, where are they?” she asked the fairy.
“Who?”
“The kids,”
Harumi sat up on the currant branch she was sitting on and looked around. “Is that what you’re being so twitchy about?”
“I’m a tree, I can’t be twitchy.”
“You know what I mean.” she said. “Anyway, how can you tell when they’re here? You’re a tree.”
Harumi was right. Trees are blind, and that includes Willow. Most even think they don’t even have feelings. They’re wrong. Sure they don’t have as many feelings as humans do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have any at all. They can feel sad, happy, lonely. They feel pain like we do. Willow was able to tell when the kids were here by sensing them.
“Here it is!” a girl that was around the age of 16 yelled as she ran towards the Willow.
“They’ve come!” Willow happily said.
“Hold on a sec.” Willow heard a middle aged man say. “Can’t you read the sign.”
“Huh?” Harumi said and unfolded her wings and stood on the branch. She glanced around the school yard and found a small sign near the tree. She gracefully jumped down from the branch, but instead of hitting the ground, she flew over to the sign.
“What sign?” the young girl said.
“Harumi, what is the man talking about?” willow asked her.
“Just wai- oh no,” Harumi said as she read the big letters.
“No! don’t cut the tree down!” the girl yelled. “I planted this tree about 12 years ago. You can’t cut it down.”
“Harumi, what do they mean?” Willow asked.
“I’m sorry girly, but we got a contract and we’re cutting down the tree tomorrow at noon.”
The girl stood there for a little while and wiped a stray tear from her eye. She’d gone and visited the tree every day since she planted it.
“Tell me, what’s going to happen here. What are you building?” the girl asked.
“We’ll be putting in a new parking lot for the school here, since the school building is getting added to.” the man said.
“Oh,” the girl said and with one more glance at the tree turned to leave. “Come on guys.” she said to her two friends and they left.
“Harumi, what’s going on?” Willow asked.
“Th-they’re going to cut you down.” she answered and flew over and landed gracefully on the ground in front of her.
“But…why?”
“To make room for a parking lot.”
“But what’s going to happen to me?”
Harumi looked down at the ground. She didn’t want to upset Willow any more than she already was, but she couldn’t lie about her fate. “I don’t know. Usually what they’ll do is make trees into wood chips, longer slabs of wood, fire wood.”
Willow was quiet. If she was capable of crying, she probly would be. But Harumi, she was crying. Harumi had been there when the girl had planted her. She had seen the young little child with a smile on her face as she dug a tiny hole in the earth with her mother. She had put the seed and buried it well. Harumi had been moved by the little girls love for something that most people could care less about. Harumi had taken part in helping Willow grow. She had used some of her magic and watched as the little girls eyes lit up by seeing the tiny green come out of the ground.
“Harumi,” willow said out of the silence.
“Hm?”
“Please, will you stay with me until I am no more?” she asked.
Harumi smiled at her with her tear streaked face and in a near whisper said, “Yes, of course I’ll stay with you.”
“Thank you,” Willow said. “Thank you,”

Night fell and Harumi stayed and slept among Willow’s branches. Sleep wouldn’t seem to come to her. She didn’t want Willow to be cut down. She sat up and started to think. She sighed and looked up at the waning moon.
“Hey there, Harumi.”
She groaned and looked away from the pixie. “What do you want Waltz?” she asked him.
“Nothing, just was wondering what you were doing.” he said and landed on the same branch she was on.
Harumi looked down at the ground and shut her eyes.
“It’s a shame she’s not a human. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about being cut down.” Waltz said to her.
“Mm-hm,” she said ignoring him. “Anything else you wanted to say?”
“Wow, I knew you were slow, but I didn’t think you were that slow.” he told her turned around. “But, you are a fairy.” he said and flew off into the night sky.
“Asshole,” she said quietly and leaned up against Willow’s trunk. she watched as the gently vines swung with the wind. leaves swirled in circles around the ground. then she looked up rapidly. “Wait,” she said and stood up. “If she was a human, she wouldn’t have to be cut down.”
She jumped down from the branch and faced Willow. She slowly walked up to her and placed her hands against willow’s rough bark. She closed her eyes and “Sank” into her. She searched through Willow and came to the very center of her being. She found a young girl that looked about the age of 12 or 13. She went deeper in and closer to the girl. Her hair fell across her face and Harumi moved it so it went behind her ear. She looked like she was in a peaceful sleep. Harumi then wrapped her arms around her and gently pulled her as she separated from the tree.
Harumi slowly opened her eyes and found the little girl in her arms, sleeping. Her long reddish brown hair fell over her and covered her like clothing. Harumi set her down so she was propped up on the now hollow tree. The branches of the tree flew lifelessly as the wind blew by and it was heartbreaking to see.
“This tree is still young.”
Harumi quickly glanced around to see who said that and found three figures walking up to the tree. She looked back at Willow wondering if it’d be safe to let them find her.
“It looks…sick.” the girl from before said as she walked up to the tree. She placed her hand on the bark and looked up.
“Holy crap! Katie, Becca, get over here!”
“Hn?” Becca said as she walked around the tree to where he was, followed by Katie.
“What the…?” Katie started. “D-do you think something happened?”
“I-I don’t know. What should we do? Call the police?” Todd asked.
“No, you can’t call the police. Just take her home or something.” Harumi said under her breath.
“Then we’ll get into trouble for being out past curfew.” Becca said.
“We can’t just leave her like this. She’s naked for god sake!” Katie said a little to loudly.
“Ssh, don’t be so loud.” Becca said and put her long trench coat over her. “Todd, think you can carry her?” Becca asked him.
He shrugged. “Where are we going to take her?”
“Katie’s, if she doesn’t mind." she answered him and glanced at Katie who just gave a whatever shrug. "Since her parents are gone for the week.”
“I’ll try, she doesn’t look to heavy.” he said and put one arm under her neck and the other under her knees.
“lets go,” Katie said and they hurried off into the night, followed by Harumi.
Last edited by little.angelfire on Tue Sep 13, 2005 1:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Aug 27, 2005 2:51 am
Kay Kay says...



It's not really something i'm into but i'll help the best i can. I found a few spelling errors and punctuation that you might want to go back and fix. It kind of seems a bit odd to me, but it's probably just me. I thought it was kind of funny when they were talking about a tree twitching. I think you did a good job.
Quarrels would not last long if the fault were only on one side.
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Fri Sep 02, 2005 9:52 am
Gazza_14 says...



Hey, I'm new on here but just posting to say I really rnjoyed your story. I found myself slowly drawn into it, and an original concept. I will enjoy to see more of this. I just love the idea
  





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Sun Sep 04, 2005 11:03 pm
emotion_less says...



It seemed a little unrealistic and blunt. I know it's fantasy fiction, but the realistic parts didn't seem very... real. There were some grammatical/spelling errors, like Kay Kay said.

To start, some things weren't explained very well. For awhile, I thought Hamuri was a bird, not a fairy. You should mention something, or at least describe Hamuri, somewhere near the beginning so that it would be clarified.

“Asshole,” she said quietly and leaned up against Willow’s trunk.
This seems to me something directed more for children... The sudden way you had 'asshole' was kind of unexpected and unnecessary.

She jumped down from the branch and faced Willow. She slowly walked up to her and placed her hands against willow’s rough bark. She closed her eyes and “Sank” into her. She searched through Willow and came to the very center of her being. She found a young girl that looked about the age of 12 or 13. She went deeper in and closer to the girl.
This is one of the parts that seemed blunt. She did this. She did that. It's very to the point and easy to understand, but also kind of dull.

“It looks…sick.” the girl from before said as she walked up to the tree.
Wait, is this the girl that planted the tree? Is she Katie or Becca? Maybe you should mention her name in the first part, to make things less confusing. Also, the names of her friends just popped up randomly in this part, making it hard to tell who is who. You might know who's there and who each of the people are, but the reader might not.

“Then we’ll get into trouble for being out past curfew.” Becca said.
Your characters are around sixteen, right? I don't know... They don't seem to be acting their age. This was one thing said that made it a bit unrealistic.

“Katie’s, if she doesn’t mind. Since her parents are gone for the week.”
“I’ll try, she doesn’t look to heavy.” he said and put one arm under her neck and the other under her knees.

Heh.. just something that bugged me. She never asked for Katie's consent, even though she was right there. Either that, or they were talking about her in front of her face. Maybe Katie could volunteer and give the reason for letting 'Willow' stay at her house?

The whole story was a bit confusing and unrealistic for me... I think you should revise some parts to make it easier to read.
  








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